Tracy insight

Yesterday morning, I had my conversation with Tracy. As usual, it proved helpful. As is also usual, we didn't even go over my food until the last 10 or 15 min of the appointment. Tracy has a degree in psychology also and it totally shows.

Tracy's appointment made me think about how, engaging in the ED thoughts and behaviors is, to an extent, a choice - and I will be okay if I make a choice to not dwell in the thoughts and not engage in the behaviors.

She began by telling me "You DID get off track these past two weeks.... You might a well have just thought about yourself as a punching bag the way you were treating yourself."

Tracy and I were talking about how you cannot live your best life AND have an eating disorder (not even remnants of an eating disorder). She probably was throwing her hands in the air, praising the God of Sanity, grateful that I finally understood this. It's true, though. You can't. You can go through the motions of a robust life: you can answer the phone when friends call, you can make friends, you can do things with them, you can hold down a job.... but when you are engaging in the ED thoughts and behaviors while going through the motions, you're not really present. And, when you look back at the memory, all that stands out is "That was the day I binged/purged/starved/felt guilty for eating ____/wiggled my legs underneath the restaurant table to burn calories/kept feeling my stomach or legs or hips....."

Tracy told me how my life is improving, and I let it be for a day or two, and then the eating disorder freaks out, and I try to pull it back - resulting in a disordered day.. a day when I go through the emotions of a robust life, but I'm not really present.

Tracy said: DO YOU WANT TO LIVE LIFE OR DO YOU WANT TO SHELTER YOURSELF WITH AN EATING DISORDER?

Its' true. That's what the ED does. It provides a shelter. It provides something else to focus on, something to accompany you through your day. IT shelters you from feelings that you might not be good enough just as is. It provides a reason (excuse?) to not reach your potential. The eating disorder gives you a reason to explain why you aren't perfect. An eating disorder takes the pressure off. I mean, if you didn't have any eating disorder, then nothing is holding you back. And then what? Then you can go and .... be perfect? But what if you fail? Failing is too hard, so might as well just have an eating disorder to save yourself from trying to be perfect. Achieving an eating disorder is way easier than achieving your perfect life. So, the eating disorder shelters you from real life, from focusing on things that are scary and pressure-filled.

Tracy told me that I had left her a check in message about a week ago that said something like "I'm not completely happy with my food today, it feels like too much... but, oh well, it's good enough." She said that the phrase GOOD ENOUGH is a phrase I should focus on. Don't aim to have food be perfect. Food and bodies are flexible and ever changing. You are constantly eating, digesting, eating digesting. Your body is bloating, deflating, gaining a bit of muscle, losing a bit of muscle, gaining a bit of fat, losing a bit of fat. You cannot freeze your body or your food in time. You can't control it. So, Tracy said, "Just aim for 'good enough.' "Good enough" is a very healthy phrase.

I told Tracy how I'm not necessarily consumed by the ED thoughts all day long.. it's mostly in the quiet moments. During the day I go through, talking to people, shrugging my shoulders at the fact that I feel fat, hugging people without worrying that they might find out that I'm fat.... and then at night, in the quiet moments, a massive surge of regret comes. "How dare you just think you could eat lunch today. You think you're being happy in life... you're just letting yourself go!, etc., etc., etc." The voice comes on in a big way and it usually makes tears fall down my cheeks every night as I go to bed. It's like a I fall asleep thinking, "Who am I to think that I can have a good day, being present in the moment even when I'm not hungry and thin. Who am I to think I can just be happy?"

Tracy told me that it's not okay to let the ED ruin any single moment of my day. She said that I used to have to really fight back, but now, I'm healthy enough that I can just say, "Nope, not going there," when the thoughts arise. She passionately told me that it's not okay to accept any moment or day being ruined because of a way I ate.

I told her how it seems like the medicine for all this ED stuff seems to be self acceptance. Tracy and Jane are all gung-ho in the self-acceptance department. But there has to be a limit! I can't truly just eat whatever I want! There has to be boundaries here.... I told this to Tracy and she understood what I was saying. But she said, "You already know the boundaries. If you were calling me saying 'I binged' then that means that you went too far. If you were calling saying 'I am so stuffed I'm going to explode' then you went too far. But that's not happening. I can guarantee you with 100% certainty that, naturally, you eat healthy, you pick healthy ingredients, and you don't regularly over eat. That's just not you and it's not about to be you either."

Tracy said, "A lot of good things are naturally happening in your life, and you're trying to pull back the eating disorder." And the discussion ensued: eating disorder of life? eating disorder or life?

Tracy told me about how I have so much going for me. She said that people like me, I have good social skills, people can connect with me, I am successful in my job, I have friends, I am educated. She PASSIONATELY told me that I have so much in me, and when the ED steals a moment from me, when it dampers a moment, it undermines all of my strenghts, it sucks out my potential. She was just like "You can't let that happen!"

Tracy works with Michael Strober, who is apparently some well-known dude in the ED world. Tracy told me that Mr. Strober will walk into a room full of ED patients, look them in the eye, and say "You all are pathetic! Look at what you're doing to yourselves, to your life! You are all making the choice to let this ED steal your life and your potential from you! In this room we have people with degrees, we have amazing mothers, we have women active in their church, we have people who have loved ones who care about them... we have amazing women in this room. And instead of focusing on your talents, you are letting the ED take over and steal your potential from you. This is pathetic!"

Tracy said that his words are harsh. People don't like to hear them. But they are also true. I'm not sure I like knowing this, as, last night, when I was falling asleep, I was being mentally beat up by the ED thoughts... and, because of that, I thought "I am pathetic like Mr. Strober said." Clearly that is not what Tracy meant when she told me this, but still. . . His words are true, although I'm not sure how effective it is to call ED people "pathetic."

Anyway, the conversation between Tracy and me continued to focus on life or ED, life or ED. We talked about why I am so hesitant to fully give up the ED. I guess I just told her that, without it, it's like I'm going through life alone - never sure if I'm doing the right thing, the best thing... but if I have the ED and all the rules it comes with, I at least have a guide. I at least have company through the journey of life, and I have a way of knowing if I'm okay or not. Tracy understood that. (She did make a joke though. She said, "If you like rules, go make some different ones. If you like rules, make the rule that you'll smile at yourself in the mirror 10 times a day instead. If you want rules, I'll come up with a whole list of healthy rules for you. I can think of a million other rules you could have besides ED rules." lol)

Tracy told me how some of her patients really don't have much else in their life besides the ED. They don't have friends or family or an education or a job, and, if they were to give up the ED, they would really notice its absence. She told me that isn't the case with me. If I were to fully give up the ED, my life would continue on smoothly because I do have other things in my life now.

Tracy ended the conversation by giving me the biggest compliment she could have. Her words were: "It's time to focus on your life and not the eating disorder. I promise you, you will be FINE without the eating disorder. You will be just fine. You don't need it anymore. You will be okay just as you are."

And so, yesterday, I ate fairly well. There are probably areas that could be improved (breakfast could have been more normal - a large handful of dry cereal isn't really satisfying. Tracy would have called dinner small and she would have told me I should have eaten the wrap part of the burrito, but my friend at the same thing for dinner I did... I could have eaten less at night. I could have not had the piece of peppermint bark. I could have not had the handful of dry cereal.... but... food yesterday was GOOD ENOUGH.

Yesterday I reminded myself of things. When I was avoiding eating, but growing really hungry, I said "You are hungry. That's what this feeling is. That means you don't have to decide if you'er allowed to eat or not. You are. You're allowed to eat when you're hungry."

Yesterday when I felt bad after lunch and dinner I said "Feeling food inside of you is not a bad thing. You are not stuffed. You simply feel the way bodies feel when they just finished eating."

PS: Yesterday my friend arrived. She's going to stay with me until Monday :) [telling you, life... it's getting in the way of the ED... somehow I just have a MUCH easier time not eating enough when I'm not around other people. When I'm eating with other people though, it makes eating enough way easier... so the fact that I keep being with other people mean I keep NOT following through on my ED plans and I keep eating meals.... but I wouldn't give up my friend or my life just to let the ED be my priority. That'd be a shame if I did that.]

We had a wonderful time, just talking for hours in a restaurant and then in my apartment. We talked, ate burritos, ate peppermint bark, drank tea, watched TV, fell asleep. It was LOVELY :)