Stubborn ED psycho freak attack day

WARNING: This is totally not one of those productive posts. This is just a total rant. This is not even representative of how I was feeling all day. Although I was hungry all day, I also had a good day in many ways. I wasn't walking around the earth like a psychotic screamer or something. Also, I make my therapy session sound like jane and I were fighting or something. It didn't feel like that. And it started by me reading a letter I wrote to her - which was essentially a love letter :) So - just to round all this out: positives of the day: got the job, people hugged me in congratulations, went on a run, cleaned my apt, danced while doing so, tutored adorable children, got complimented by grateful parents, went to Whole Foods (yes, again...)

Coupla things....

first off - before I go into my stubborn rant... I got the job, so that's good. I start tomorrow. blah blah blah, i'll explain more later.... (yes, I'm in an immature, ranting, mad mood for no particular reason... no I do know the reason.. it's because I'm thinking about ed stuff and I'm SICK of thinking about it. omg! seriously. seriously. SERIOUSLY. must make conscious choices to leave this topic behind... problem is... some people (couch jane tracy cough) are not letting me. But im paying them.... what's wrong with this picture?

another thing - i ran today. just one and a half miles... i told myself i'd stop at that distance.. and my knee hurt... but at least it wasn't buckling and making me limp?

anyway...

I am being really eating disorderly stupid and stubborn today. (David, don't even start... I know, I know... I'm a hypocrite....) It's 9:30pm, and I'm starving. I am not complaining because it's my own fault, I know. Maybe if I had eaten more today, I wouldn't be so hungry right now. So, let me just back up. Saturday, things were going so well. I felt like I was in Phase C. I had B, L, D, and an evening snack. This was, however, one of my only normal days in the past week. So you'd think that since Saturday was so great, that I'd just stay there! Well, Sunday I did eat a cup of fro yo, but besides that, I just had one real (small) meal. Then there's today. Today I woke up in some sort of total ED psychotic mode. I knew I had Jane and I decided that I was determined to not let her help me. I was not going to do what she said. She asked me if I had eaten or drank anything today (nope). She told me to go get food. I refused. I beeegggggeed her to trust me that I'd eat lunch after I left her office. Because we had other things to talk about, the subject simply changed, and I didn't have to go get food in the middle of my appointment. But, when the appointment ended, I just thought to myself "no! I'm not going to eat just because she wants me to! I'm gonna do whatever I want to do!" I was soooo stubborn today! I dunno what got into me! Jane had asked me to call her within an hr after the appt to tell her I ate lunch. I called her and said, "Nope, I didn't eat lunch. And I don't care either. blah blah blah" But then I got so hungry I thought I might faint or something..... so I ate a banana... at 5:15pm... the first thing I had eaten all day. And that food made some switch flip in my brain. Suddenly I wanted to not be stubborn and stupid. So I called Jane and left a voice mail. "Um, sorry I was being so disordered and stubborn. I'll eat dinner I promise." So, I did eat dinner. But it wasn't enough. Volume wise, it was rather huge... but it was made of mostly raw vegetables. IT was a spinach salad with a million pounds of raw veggies and no dressing. And so now I'm starving. STill. Um, duh! OH EM GEE - WHAT IS MY PROBLEM! WHY AM I BEING SO STUBBORN! Now that it's 9:40 and I'm effing hungry, I wish I just ate lunch like a normal person.

Why didn't I eat? I dunno. I was getting uncomfortable with being comfortable?

Maybe I didn't eat enough today because I had horribly unstable body image. I thought "I'm not going ot eat until I get a handle on what the heck my body looks like."

Speaking of body image... my body image has gone from "stably horrible" to "horribly unstable." It's not really vanity - it's just frustrating that everytime I look at myself, I see something different. I just wish I had an understanding of the boundaries of my body! I tell Jane that I look for evidence to tell me a/b my body but the evidence is all contradicting. She said she wanted to talk a/b that next time. I jsut wrote out all the contradictory evidence, but then I realized how potentially triggering that might be - so I deleted it.

Today though in the tutoring center... my boss's boss's boss ketp staring at my stomach. I don't know why, but it was very weird. I probably had lunch spilled down the front of me - except i didn't have lunch - because i was in a stubborn psycho mood! as;ldkfjalskjdflaskjdfl;asjd i am such a freak. oh my gosh. seriously. please ignore, please ignore, please ignore.... please - everyone - do not use me as your example of how to be somewhat healthy and normal. i will return to being example-worthy asap. promise. lo siento muchismio!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I was definitely a stubborn ed patient for jane today. Sorry, Jane! And I spent like 15 min of my session going on and on about why I should quit tracy... because i don't care anymore.. i don't want anyone to tell me how to eat. Jane was like "Well you should talk about this with Tracy..." And I was like "Nope." - Jane laughed and jokingly said, "Wow! Well, I've been trying to help you get to know yourself and I think, world, she's gotten to know herself."

Then Jane and I had a little debate over checking in...

J: "I really want you to check in to tell me you eat something the rest of the day."

L: "Thanks but it's okay."

J: "I'm not so confident about this..."

L: "You know what I really want to say?"

J: "What?"

L: "I really want to tell you to get out of my way so I can please just go be in peace to not eat"

J: "Yeah, see, that's the problem.... but I'm really glad you were able to tell me htat."

L: "Sorry I'm being mean."

J: "You're not being mean. You're just being really honest about how you feel."

Why the heck did I do to my body what I did today and yesterday? Why did I only eat on meal - and wait until dinner to do it - and even then, pick something very unsubstantial? Why am I fighting through the shakes and the hunger? why am I acting like I'm in stage freaking uno?!

Seriously - Laura - get it together and be a normal person tomorrow... seriously!

I'm sorry. I feel like I shouldn't be writing things like this anymore. I should be past this. Tracy and Jane should not have to deal with it. And I don't want anyone to deal with it. I don't even want to talk a/b it with them because I want this all to be over. I want to just be left alone to do whatever I please.

I feel so many things.

-embarrassed that I feel this way

-guilty that I feel this way

-ashamed that I feel this way

-tempted to refuse help

-tempted to shut down and push everyone away

-scared for myself

Maybe when I wake up I'll think more logically.

I need to write a post about "why eating is good" or something. And then do it. Because this is osoooooo stupid. I don't know why I'm in this phase. I tmakes me sooooo mad. mad at myself. I feel like I owe you all and jane and tracy an apology.

I apologize for the negativity and irrationality of this post. I swear I'll think my way back on track soon. I know myself. I will....

Yeah I am in a fantastic mood, eh?

I dunno what's up... I was in a fine mood when I STARTED writing the blog... and, the more I wrote, the madder I got.

I guess... mostly.... I jsut want this to be over. I want this topic to be closed! I want everyone to leave me alone about it. I want to be done with this topic. Shouldn't I be done yet?!

aslkfjla;sdjf;salkjfl;askjfl;asdkjl;adjaf;lkjalsdfkjasd

Am I really not done? Do I really still have some of an eating disorder? Or am I being brainwashed?

I mean, what would happen if I quit Jane, quit Tracy, and stopped blogging about ED stuff? What would happen? Would I thrive and be fine? Would I hover at functionally disordered? would I crash?

blah i hate this. what is "this?" thought: maybe i'm so mad right now because i'm hungry. hm. duh! sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

i am just CHARGED up right now!!!!!!!!!!!!

i will write more when i'm in a peaceful place.

i'm sorry for being stupid.

k i really need to stop blogging and go do something fun. watch intervention? lol . how about a comedy movie?

I have so many other things to blog about - so many happy, non ed things to tell you all... but this is what was raging in my mind tonight. I'll blog about normal life tomorrow....

ps: not even hungry anymore. i was apparently lying about being hungry.

pps: yes i realize how messed up this whole post is - ha. rant post, remember - not a productive post

PPPS: I am back to being soooooooo hungry I can't even stand it. I am making oatmeal. I don't care that it's 11:18pm. I can't deal with this level of hunger anymore. Plus, nothing wrong with oatmeal. It could have been my breakfast or my lunch. And, yes, I will still have breakfast tomorrow. Maybe I'll go back to posting about if I had 3 meals or not..... Ah, just the idea that soon I'm going to be able to eat oatmeal is calming me down : )

okay, currently eating oatmeal. Ah, I feel so much better. Um, how in the h-e-double hockey sticks did I get like I was today? Geez! Must not happen again.

okay, i ate the oatmeal. it's gone. that feels good. i feel normal again. ah. i feel so much better. so much better! wow. I CANNOT have another day like today tomorrow. it just sucks. that level of hunger is stupid!

Love,

Your resident wacko

i don't want to do again what i did today. today was scary and horrible now that i'm beign honest. i don't want to do it again... please please i hope i don't do it again. i'm in control. if i don't want to, i won't.