Food, Water, Tracy, Family, Fun

Two topics of tonight's blog post: 1) Food/water update + Tracy's imput & 2) Family Fun Today

Food, Water, and Tracy

Unfortunately, the ed called the shots today, and I let that happen. At 6pm, I ate 1 wedge of a cheese and veggie quesadilla, and that's all I ate today besides a handful of raw kale around 2pm. I'm not really that hungry, but I know that that's impossible.

As for drink, I had 1 glass of water in two days. At this point, I'm so dehydrated that I'm dizzy and nauseous (are those even signs of dehydration?) . I am drinking hot decaf tea right now to hydrate while watching the Olympics. I do understand that hydration is important. I'm just being overly sensitive to things inside me right now. This won't continue into tomorrow. I've had my "cleansing" day. I had my taste of "control."

Yes, I'm aware that's totally disordered. I feel ashamed to admit that I had to do that today in order to feel better, but it's the truth.

Today, unfortunately, will be a day that has a food memory attached to it. I had a fun day with my family, but I will look back on today and remember it as a day when I avoided food and was overly thirsty. My sister ate a bowl of cereal, two bowls of spaghetti, half a burrito, and gelato. My mom ate oatmeal, a salad with dressing/nuts/cheese, polenta/toful/veggie/sauce mix. My dad ate an egg and english muffin, a sandwich, a banana, a taco, and gelato. And I was very aware how I was different today. I want to think I'm barely eating disordered anymore... and it's true I'm a lot better than I used to be, but then there are days like today - and I think "oh. yeah, I can't deny that there's still some ed."

I had left Tracy a phone message last night to check-in, and I sent her my dream blog post as an e-mail. She replied to me saying that she wanted me to send her my food diary for this week (I skipped my appt because my family is here). Here is our e-mail correspondence:

Tracy's first email:

Hi Laura,

That dream is very telling...I hope you're planning on telling Jane about it. I really doubt that you've been overeating lately but I would like to see the last couple of days written down. I'm working at the hospital today so I can probably take a few minutes to review your food. Please send me a couple of days of your eating so I can give you some feedback. I want to make sure that your on the right track and feeling good about it. Happy Valentines Day! ~Tracy

My response:

Hi Tracy,

Yes, I will tell Jane about that dream. I am eating much more normally lately, and I find myself questioning if it's okay to do this. Am I just being too easy on myself? Am I "letting myself go?" Also, I am getting fatter. Like you say, it's temporary and weight changes. I just feel like the only way my weight will go back down (just a few pounds) is if I return to being more "careful" with my food. Maybe the way my body is now is how it's meant to be. I am also feeling very unfit. I want to run so, so badly. So, when you look at the food, keep in mind I am not exercising at all! (unless taking the dog on very short walks counts). I'm probably less out of control than I feel. It's probably just the eating disorder that is being squashed by life that is freaking out a bit....You do not need to take a few minutes to review my food. Really you don't. If you do have time and WANT to, then attached is my food diary thus far. Just look at the days you feel like looking at....

Thanks and Happy Valentine's day!

~Laura

Tracy's Response:

Hi Laura,
I reviewed all the days you sent me. You are definitely not overeating. In fact, it looks like you have been undereating this week. I'm not sure why you feel that it is too much food. Maybe, you're uncomfortable because you're eating some new foods such as cream cheese, pizza and sauteed spinach. Keep in mind that your portions of these foods are very small and you need to have some fat in your diet. Your intake of fat is very low so it is actually healthy for you to eat these foods. I am being very honest when I say that you are not eating enough. Please review some of your past food records to help gain some perspective. Keep checking in...

-Tracy

My response:

Hi Tracy,

Thank you SO, SO VERY MUCH for taking the time to review my food. Your feedback has been very helpful. You have given me perspective. I did look at the food diary I sent you, and I did realize it wasn't as much food.

I am pretty sure I've been feeling uncomfortable about my food for two reasons: 1) I haven't been exercising for an always increasing amount of time, and 2) I've been eating a lot of restaurant food, a lot of food I'm unsure about in terms of preparation and calories.

I also was really thinking I was getting fatter, but have now decided that I just am not capable of determining that. I do feel fatter, but the way my clothes fit surprises me.... I keep expecting everything to get tighter, but that keeps not happening.... So maybe I should just try to keep my mind off my body.

It's naturally begun to happen that, during the day, when I'm busy with other stuff, I'm thinking less about food/weight... but I start to notice that I'm thinking less about food/weight, and I pull the disordered thoughts back.... It's almost as if I'm swimming by myself without any flotation device for the first time... and all of the sudden I notice that there's no flotation device and get scared and start flailing my arms (swimming = life; floatation device = eating disorder).... I guess I'm finding comfort in the disorder in a way, just because I'm sadly used to it.

I wish I could give you a better report for today. Today I only had a handful of raw kale + 1 wedge of a veggie/cheese quesadilla. I've had my "cleansing day." I had my taste of "control." And I think I'll be able to be back to normal tomorrow...

Thank you for everything! You don't even know... but just from your e-mail, I feel "allowed" to continue eating as I have been and even a bit more... so thank you. I needed your perspective....

Take care,

Laura.

CHANGING TOPICS.... BEGIN FAMILY FUN:

My family (not my brother - he's in CO right now) went to the beach today.

It was so nice to see the waves and feel the breeze. It made me feel alive, energetic, and so very happy. The waves were SO HUGE today too. You can't really tell from the pictures, but the waves were really tall and aggressive. I ran with my dog on the beach, and, in those moments, I felt so happy!

Then we walked around the little town, and my dad bought a paperweight that looks like Jupiter. It was beautiful. It is blown glass, and it is stunning to look at. Completely mesmerizing. IT was kind of expensive, but I'm SO SO glad my dad bought it. He never buys anything for himself, and he does so much for all of us. He loves the solar system. He knows so much about astrology. He has a telescope that he looks out of every night. He could sit and stare at the stars and learn about them all night long. Jupiter was the first planet he ever saw.

Here are some pics from today:

The first picture is my dog, sleeping on my lap on the car ride home from the beach :)

edit to add: i just ate a bowl of cereal, which I'm fine with...