Breathing again

In my last postl I wrote that food was awful. That was true. Yesterday I was feeling very out of control, like I was living in a tornado or something. It was like I couldn't see straight. I was noticing all my imperfections, how my body has changed in two days, I was worrying about a to-do list... and I was just feeling like I couldn't function. I was feeling soooo out of control. I was feeling so much pressure. I wanted to quit jane and tracy, not talk to any friends ever, never take zoloft (either that or increase my already very small dose), and just crawl into a cave. Except that I couldn't see straight enough to find the cave.

I tried to calm down. I went grocery shopping (which I hadn't done since December), and got food that I am looking forward to cooking and eating. I need to get back to the place where I look forward to food as opposed to avoid it and feel out of control around it. Food that will taste good and make me feel healthy. Also, last night, I read a funny book. omg - HILARIOUS book. (not the book I quoted last night) I watched a documentary about Lebron James . And I slept for 11 hrs. (And had a dream I went to Egypt, and was the fattest person in the country - yup, that was my dream). Despite the big sleep, I am still tired today. Abnormally tired. But that's okay. I can take it easy today and get enough sleep tonight.

Now I feel much better about myself today. I woke up not feeling an urgent need to restrict. I woke up not feeling mad at myself. I woke up feeling accepting of myself, and patient with myself. I am not feeling like I need to compensate. I don't feel out of control anymore.

I plan to eat brunch, an afternoon snack, dinner, and an evening snack today. I plan to feel healthy. I am eating Brunch with a friends in twenty min. Yesterday, my plan was to order only coffee and not eat. I didn't even care if I looked disordered or abnormal. I didn't care if it made her feel weird to eat when I wasn't eating. I was so adamant about the fact that I was putting my foot down, and I was not going to eat just because I had to go out to another restaurant with someone! No way was I going to eat. I just so badly needed my control back. But, I don't feel that way this morning. So, I will order oatmeal and coffee. I will eat a piece of fruit as an afternoon snack (an orange or cantaloupe). For dinner, I'll eat a salad that I will make with spinach, chicken, and beans. For an evening snack I will eat some fro yo - I'm working. I will be accepting of my body, which feels way fatter than it felt just a few days ago. I will be patient with myself And I will drink water, which I restricted in a big way the last two days. I restrict the water becuase the coworkers make me eat more than I'm used to... so then I feel more full than I'm used to.... so then I can't drink water because it'll make me fuller! So I end up so thirsty all afternoon. But I have to choose between being full and quenching my thirst or being dehydrated but avoiding feeling more full. I choose the latter unfortunately.

I think I started to feel out of control because I felt like I was being pushed (from coworkers) to eat more than I was comfortable with eating. I was going to work every day with a plan to eat a lunch I felt good about, and ended up eating things like pizza and entire sandwiches with thick slices of turkey and mayo and bagels. I also was just tired and had gone through a lot of changes - this week I've been going to a new job, worrying about how people are perceiving me in this role, going on dates, socializing with friends a few times, and getting too little sleep. I think I just need to take a step back for a sec. So, today is a day to rejuvinate, take care of myself, and make sure I stay healthy. I don't feel frazzled. I'm confident that today will be okay.

I'm appraoching today in a slow, calm, self-accepting way.