Insightful dream

Sunday night, I dreamt that I called Jane and left her a voice mail that said, "I don't like recovery. I want nothing to do with it. I want to stop just where I am or go back a little bit. Stop pushing me to move forward! I want out of this. I hate recovery. I don't even want to be recovered. Please stop making me recover."

But last night I had a follow up dream to that....

... an insightful dream.

I dreamt that I was watching video footage of myself in college, when I was more "successful at restriction" (i.e., more eating disordered). I saw scenes of my life. I saw get togethers, and class discussions, and backstage of plays. I saw meals with friends. I saw moments when I was at a professor's office hours. I saw walks that I went on with friends... All of these moments actually existed in real life. So, basically, I was dreaming about memories....

In the actual time that these memories took place, I had bad body image (what's new?).

As I think back about these actual memories, I am nostalgic for the "control" I had. I am nostalgic for being more eating disordered....

And as I watched these scenes, in my dream, I had a break from the nostalgia and a break from the bad body image. Instead..... when I watched these dreams this is what I thought:

1) I saw myself as thinner than I saw myself at the time. I watched myself in my dream and thought, "Oh, wow, I was thinner then. I am so fat now." I never felt thin at the time... in my dream, I realized that I was.

2) I realized I could be thinner than I am now. I could go back to how I used to be and enjoy the control and the thinness.

BUT HERE IS WHERE THE POSITIVITY STOPS.

I watched these scenes, these actual memories... and EVERY memory had a food memory attached with it. (This is true - not just in the dream).

Yes, I remember the superbowl party with my friends..... who played? No idea. you know what I remember? I remember not eating at all for 48 hrs so that I could justify having one slice of pizza with everyone, just so that I didn't stand out as eating disordered. And then what do I remember? I remember that after I ate the one slice, it was like my whole mind got clouded. I could no longer think or function because I felt so guilty and out of control. So then I had to not eat for even longer afterwards to make up for it...

Yes, I remember being backstage in the play. What about it do I remember? Not the conversations. Not the excitement of acting. I remember closing my eyes and thinking to myself, "It's okay. Just breathe through the hunger."

Yes I remember the party I went to. What do I remember? I remember the fact that I had eaten vegetables for dinner, I was hungry, yet I forced myself to keep dancing in order to burn calories. I remember waking up for breakfast the next day more hungry than usual, but not allowing myself to eat anything more than my normal breakfast.

Then, even the times after starting to talk with Tracy... I remember the seminar on Tocqueville... and I remember the fact that I had eaten a taco (as a goal from Tracy) before the seminar. And that's all I remember - not the class discussion... I remember the taco. I remember the cloud that my mind was in because of the taco.

I watched these scenes, I REMEMBERED how horrible I felt inside. I remember the guilt with food, the out of control feelings, the crushingly bad body image. I remembered that I felt like I couldn't move. In my dream, as I watched myself, I saw myself unpresent in life, trapped in a mental jail of "shouldn't have eaten" and "should eat" and "what to eat next." I watched myself get through my day in a clouded state. I watched myself miss out on the fun.... for even though I was present in the room, I wasn't mentally present. I watched everyone around me enjoy each other's company, and I watched myself struggle to "be present." And I remembered what was going on in my head. I remembered that it felt like I was living in a storm, a jail, a wave of guilt. I remembered that it felt like my feet had been stuck in wet concrete, and I couldn't move if I had wanted to.

In my dream, I cried as I watched the old version of myself. I cried because I remembered the hard parts. I looked down at my old self, and saw that I was thinner, and remembered that I ate less..... but I saw how taxing and horrible it felt... I saw how life-limiting it was.... and I felt sadness for that older version of me....

And, in my dream, as I watched, I realized that I do not want to go back to that. That is nothing to be nostalgic for.

In my dream, I became incredibly grateful for where I am now.

I am less rigid with my food, and sometimes I just eat things without thinking.... but I am more free and happier and able to live up to my potential.

I have a bigger body now than I did in my dream.... but I do not live in a cloud of guilt and a jail of "cant eat."

Fewer and fewer of my memories will have food memories attached to them.

Gosh, maybe there were good feelings that came with being "more in control" and "more eating disordered." ..... but, when I was like that... it's like every decision I made was dictated by what the eating disorder let me do. Even when I was "going through the actions of life," 99% of my brain power was going towards my body size and my food intake.

And that's no longer the truth! Yes, some of my brain power still goes towards body size and food intake.... but it is NOWHERE NEAR 99%! And that is such a relief. That is such freedom. Sometimes the fact that I have less rigidity and preoccupation with food/body scares me. It worries me. But when I remember what it's like to have constant rigidity and preoccupation with food, I am SO SO HAPPY for living like I am now.

Living like I am now.... yes, there is still the existance of disordered thoughts. Yes, I sitll am more preoccupied with my food intake and my body than many people.... BUT MY DAY IS NO LONGER RUINED BY FOOD.

When I had my first appointment ever with Tracy, I wrote her a letter explaining what my goals were. One thing I said to her was, "Food makes or breaks my day... and I can't live with my day broken anymore."

My days aren't broken anymore.

Sometimes I worry "Is that okay?" Yes, yes,yes... that is VERY okay.

After I ate my first sandwich with Tracy, she asked me how I felt. What I described was how I ALWAYS felt after eating anything beyond vegetables and an apple..... I felt clouded, out of control, shut down, unable to function. I mean, it was really like I might as well have been dead - that was how little I was able to function.

I RARELY FALL INTO THAT CLOUD NOW. RARELY.

Sometimes that worries me. "Wait, is it okay that I'm so much more comfortable with food now that I rarely fall into the cloud?"

Yes, yes, yes... that is VERY okay.

After last night's dream... I am not "skeptical" of recovery. I know it's a very, very good thing.

It is a relief.

It is getting your potential back, your life back, your personality back...

I may have less "control," but I have more life.

Life wins.