I had a FANTASTIC appointment with Jane the other day, that deserves a post of it's own - so I will wait on that. Basic conclusion: you cannot have a robust, developed life AND have remnants of an eating disorder. Eventually, the two (life and ED) compete for your attention. Eventually, you try to hang on to your ED, but life gets in the way... so you have to make a choice: robust life or a lil' bit eating disordered. That's kind of where I am now. I'll go into detail about this post and about the activity I did with Jane in another post later, when I have more time and feel like using more brain power.
Yesterday after a long day on the job, I came home not to a silent apartment like normal.... but rather to a happy, smiling, sniffing, tail-wagging dog! What a great greeter, Bucket is! I want a dog, but I don't want to train one... and an untrained dog is no fun at all. My mom and sister were there waiting for me as well. It was so nice to come home to a filled house :) Then we all cooked dinner. My mom and sister made spaghetti with vegetables and chicken mixed in. I ate a salad with the same veggies and chicken.
This morning I had a "blind friendship date." I have a friend, who has a friend, who realized that she has a friend who has a common friend with me... (follow that?). Basically, someone figured it out that a girl lives near me who went to grad school with a guy I went to high school with. So we met up today for breakfast (bagels). She's a really neat person, and I would enjoy hanging out with her more. Hopefully that'll actually happen. She lives like 0.3 miles from me. So, I just have to initiate some time to hang out, and I'm sure we can become friends :)
Remember how I was saying how life is getting in the way of maintaining remnants of an eating disorder? For example, I was NOT thrilled about having to eat a bagel for breakfast, meet my mom for lunch, and meet friends for vietnamese tonight. But in order to get out of those meals, I'd have to get out of life... like, I'd have to not meet a friend, I'd have to not meet my mom, I'd have to not meet my other friend... I'd have to be lonely. Just so much eating! It's making me feel out of control. But, I just told myself that I don't have to eat anything I don't want to eat. That helped me feel less out of control. So, this morning, I hate half a cinamon raisin bagel with peanut butter. I'll deal with lunch when it comes... Anyway, I noticed that this girl I met with today, she ordered a bagel with cream cheese (ate it all), and ordered another one for lunch later. I immediately thought, "Wow, so she isn't even considering skipping lunch or cutting back on lunch because she ate a bagel for breakfast..... and I am." It's moments like that when I do realize that sometimes I do think differently than others in regards to food....
Body image is still unstable. Some days I accept myself and some days I literally cry just thinking about my body. I do want to try to accept myself.
I also realize that I'm overly critical of my food intake. Like, yesterday... This is what I ate: B - packet of oatmeal. L - 1/2 turkey sandwich: S - a pinch of craisins, about 3 tortilla chips. D - salad with spinach, chicken, veggies, and a couple slices of melon. And I thought it was too much. Why? Because I didn't "need" those craisins or pinch of tortilla chips. But here I catch myself being way too perfectionistic with food. I can't live with such rigid control on all my food intake. I have to be allowed to take a pinch of craisins and a few tortilla chips. It's not like I'm taking pinch after pinch after pinch after pinch. It's not like I'm bingeing on tortilla chips. It was 3 chips. And was I hungry every time I ate? Yes. Was I ever too full? No. Looking at that intake intellectually, is it too much? Definitely not. So, I have to stop criticizing all my food intake. I have to stop thinking it has to be perfect at all times. I have to remember what Tracy says... food can't be perfect. You have no way of knowing if your intake is perfect. Food is vague.
Okay, off to work...
Too true. You can't afford to cling onto remnants of ED if you want to truly live.
ReplyDeleteI like the sound of a 'blind friendship' date by the way :-) I want to go on one! Or a real blind date, I don't mind hehe
Glad you have some canine company...how's it been with the rest of the family?
Yeah...there's no such thing as getting it exactly 'right' where food is concerned, you just get better at getting closer ;)
Looking forward to hearing more about your fab appointment...
Sarah x
You just reached into my brain and took out what I've been thinking about! =) Tonight my friends are going out for pizza and I experienced a similar internal dialogue: I want to go be with my friends, but i don't want to go eat pizza...As of right now ed is winning. Pizza is trumping friends which should not be the case. I'd love to hear what Jane had to say about the ed remnants!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear that your family time has been good!
I just read the comment you posted on my blog in november...i haven't checked it at all, or written...BUT I read yours everyday- so thanks for thinking of me, still reading and appreciating everything you write. Maybe i'll write something of my own again someday! Just wanted to let you know I'm alive :)
ReplyDeletePS Bucket is the best name ever for a dog.
I really like this statement:
ReplyDelete"in order to get out of those meals, I'd have to get out of life..."
So true, so wise. Those words hit hard. I'm going to try to face similar situations with this attitude from now on :)
I'm glad you have a sweet doggy to greet you! How long are they staying?
I am so-so-so-so jealous you got Starbucks! Ive been craving it ALL day and we are completely snowed in. It's been snowing for almost 24 hours straight now :O
Hey there! I'm glad you're enjoying your family (I miss having a dog or cat sooo bad) and I'm looking forward to hearing about your appointment with Jane. The day you describe was fairly restrictive, from an outside perspective. Like, not so bad for one day, but if you ate the equivalent of that every day I don't think it would be enough food. You know I think an oatmeal packet just barely qualifies as a meal and the other two meals were also very light. Not criticizing, just sayin'. I'm struggling a little myself. Anyway, lets talk soon - I actually want to ask you something about your senior thesis!
ReplyDeleteMariposa - Thanks for the comment. Things have been great with my mom/sister too. My dad flies up for the weekend :)
ReplyDeleteStruggling20something - I just started following your blog! I can't wait to read more... I went to undergrad in the midwest - ohio. small liberal arts school.... How did the night go? I hope you chose your friends over pizza....
Blu - thank you, thank you, thank you for commenting. It's so good to hear from you! I hope you're doing okay. I think about you pretty frequently.
Alex - I didn't actually get any starbucks, I just sat there - haha. I figured I get starbucks so often that it should be fine to just sit once without ordering anything. I'm glad you found a sentence in my blog that will stick with you. Do you watch Eric tomorrow? Take care of yourself like you would him....
Rebecca - So good to hear from you! Yes, we need to talk!!! I know that yesterday was pretty restrictive. Weird how sometimes I just lose perspective and think the day is "too much"... but after a bit of time, I'm usually able to look at it more objectively and say "oh, really wasn't that much." I think not exercising as rigorously as I used to makes me feel like I have no room for error in my eating... but that's just extreme thinking.... Stay healthy... I'll wear my invisible "What would I tell Rebecca To Do" bracelet and you can wear your "What would I tell Laura To Do" bracelet :)