Refreshed: Job and Food

Hi all! Today was not a repeat of yesterday. I had a good day.

Highlights of the day:

• Running the training session
• Making a pretty sweet ass poster for the training session if I do say so myself :)
• Feeling very included by the full-time staff. Finding out that they knew they were going to promote me for a lot longer than I realized.
• Having a little girl braid my hair. (I look like I have dreads now -lol)
• Having a little boy and girl hug me and beg me to come visit them now that I can't tutor them anymore
• Really tasty food! (wheatberry, raisins, almonds, chocolate, salmon, avocado, oatmeal, hazelnuts, tempeh, toful, black beans, falaffel, seaweed)
• Having a mentee e-mail me saying that "today went well. I couldn't have done it without you!"
• Driving in a high-elevation area and seeing an amazing entire view of the Bay Area (city, water, bridges)
• Knowing that my boss really cares about me, and I've landed myself in the perfect environment for where I am at my life in this moment.
• Being alone in the tutoring center for an hour this morning, playing my own music while I set up for a training.
• Flirting with the barista (yeah, I admit it lol)
• Finalizing a date for Thursday (new guy)

The job: It is a good fit for me not just because I like the work and I like the people I'll spend the majority of my days with but mostly because it is a really healthy environment for me. IT is not a culture of glorified workaholism. My boss cares about my well-being. Examples:

• My boss has made it clear that I may not work more than 40 hrs a week (When I was a teacher I seriously worked like 60 -70 + hrs).
• My boss has made it clear that I may not work 7 days a week. She said, "If I find out you're working when you should be relaxing, I will not let you into the office the next day. I will lock you out and force you to take a break."
• My boss has made it clear that I may not skip lunch. Today I ran a training session and gave the trainees 30 min for lunch. But during that time, I opted to help my mentee as opposed to eat lunch. Well, around 1pm (I had been at the center since 8am), my boss said to me, "I haven't seen you take a lunch break, and that is not okay. In 30 min, I am coming in to take over the training for half an hour and you must eat lunch." So, I left, got sushi, came back, and sat in the back of the training, eating. My boss stopped and said, "No, when I said take a break and eat lunch, I meant like go read a magazine and eat lunch or something... don't sit here watching the training!"
• My boss sent me like 3 e-mails today telling me how awesome I am

So, it's pretty obvious why this job is great for me right now. I had been afraid to get a full-time job again because I had been afraid I'd lose myself. But, with this job and this boss, my personal time will be protected and my lunch hour will be secure.

I am keeping 3 of my students even though I'm taking on a full-time because they are all "special cases" for a variety of reasons. It'd be really challenging to find another tutor to work with them. Also, the families have said they will quit if I don't continue... so, for the sake of business, I am continuing with 3 students. That's nice for me; I love working with the kids. The rest of my kids, I have to give up though :(

I have a secret mission with my job (that I'm writing on a public blog lol) : to harness alternative funding to support instruction for low-income kids. So far, I've secured a few scholarships to give to such families. Tomorrow I am eating lunch with a local Rotary Society to see if they want to "sponsor-a-kid." Wish me luck!

Onto food...

Just wanted to say that I ate 3 meals and one sweet snack. Calorie wise, I probably ate a lot, but I'm not worrying about it too much. Mostly I just feel physically so much better than yesterday. It was all food I enjoyed. I was hungry for it all. I never felt stuffed. (That's my check to see if I overate or not) And I probably had some cells screaming for food from the previous two days. So... here goes: First time I posted food in a while, but I might go back to doing that for a bit.

B - packet of oatmeal

L - 10 pieces of salmon/avocado sushi (smaller than normal sized)

S - 2 squares (ghiradelli) of dark chocolate

D - unmeasured everything... I have no idea how to explain it. 2 strips of grilled tofu, 1 triangle of grilled tempeh, a heaping serving size spoonful of wheatberry/raisin/almond salad, 3 baked mini falafel balls

I'll admit that I was thinking "Well I'll just not eat tomorrow" (to compensate for this). Then I was thinking "How am I supposed to know what to eat? How am I supposed to know if I'm maintaining or gaining weight?" Then I remembered! YOUR BODY TELLS YOU!

okay, so I might give this whole listening-to-my-body-and-trusting-it thing another go.

I think the reason I ran back to restriction the last couple of days was because, on the other days in the past week when I was eating better, I was doing it because Jane scared me into it... or in any way, I was doing it for Jane. That can't be the reason. I have to own my own process and go at my own pace.

I actually called Jane last night and said, "Please don't call me today to encourage me to eat. I want to do this on my own. I need to know I ate well today because I chose to and not because I want to please you." (Text messages are welcome though!!!) So, she didn't call. She always calls when I get in ruts like this. Today she respected my message and didn't call.

And it was a normal day. I ate in accordance with hunger and craving because I knew it was right. I ate well today because I knew I wanted to be someone who takes care of themselves. THe idea of giving my body a bunch of healthy ingredients seemed appealing. Sure, I get scared. I get worried that I'm just being too easy on myself... But I try to just not think too much about it.

Plus, The idea of freaking my body out by never feeding it just seemed.... nonseneical. Certainly feels better this way.

I have to stop thinking I can control my body shape. I can't. My body wants to be at a certain weight. I have no idea what that is, but I must trust it and honor it.

Well, time to go have a relaxing evening to myself. It's already 8pm. Need to drive home, get some jammies on, do some laundry, read some books... :) PEACE!