tracy take aways

Had an excellent session with Tracy today, which I need to continue to process. I'll write about it later. Maybe tomorrow night. If not then, Sunday. This is why I never end up quitting her, though. I say "I don't need her." And then, most weeks, I massively benefit... so, in the moment of talking with her, I don't want to quit. I go into every session intending to quit and leave no longer wanting to quit. Why? Because she's a genius and I get a lot out of talking with her. Honestly, we only "go over my food" for the last 15 min of each appointment. The other 45 min is more about how I'm approaching food, thinking about it, honoring my body, and psychological things. Some RDs are very biology-based. Tracy is not like that at all. She has an undergrad degree in Psychology and it shows. She's basically a therapist.

I'll write more later but here are some of her quotes from today:

-yes, I still have an ed because "don't forget that last week happened."

-You're being very perfectionistic about eating. There's no perfect formula for food. It is vague. You're searching for a non-eating disordered way to know you're eating exactly in the right way, but there's no way of knowing if you're eating in the exact right way. You have to just trust yourself.

-Controlling your food is so ingrained in you.

-You know how to eat. You know how to listen to your body. When you do well with your food, you get on a roll and you just go and go. You do so well. You know how to do it. Normally, you get to a point where you worry you're getting out of control, so you stop. But you're not getting out of control. You know how to eat and, when you let yourself, you do a very good job. So you have to just continue to eat, get to that point where you worry you're losing control, and risk it, and push past, and trust that you're doing just fine.

-The benefit of therapy is that you can process these feelings of "feeling out of control" when you get to that point."

-The person who can maintain their natural, slender weight is the person who allows themselves to get plenty full after every meal.

-I know you have a functioning metabolism. You have a good meatabolism, in fact. There was a point when I think your metabolism dropped because you were gaining weight without eating more, but your metabolism is definitely back to normal now.

-You know how to hear hunger, hear fullness, get satisfied.

-There are people who are too anxious to even put food in their mouth. There are people who have a hard time even functioning and getting through their day if they eat a real meal. You are no longer anywhere close to being one of those people. You are able. You are physically and mentally healthier. The only thing holding you back is trusting yourself and releasing all of your control.

-You don't need to lose weight; you need to maintain your weight.

-I think your set point is right around where you're at right now.

-You can get "plenty full" after every meal, and you wouldn't gain weight.

-If you want to maintain a natural weight for your entire adult life, you have to get a good relationship with food now. In order to have a good relationship with food, you have to consistently allow ourself to get "plenty full." And you know what that feeling of being fully satisfied is. You have felt it. You describe it. You get your hunger and fullness signals. You know what "plenty full" is.

-This week, try to allow yourself to get "plenty full" days in a row without resorting back to restriction to calm your nervous feelings of being 'out of control.' Try to push past the discomfort. Try to take a blind leap and trust yourself that you know how to eat in a way that will maintain your weight.

-Every person with an eating disorder has that same fear. They fear if they let go of all control, they'll gain tons of weight because they just won't stop thinking. Now, think about this... how possible is that really? How possible is it that you'll just not stop eating? I know you. There is a 0% chance that you will turn into an over eater. 0%. I'm not saying you'll never have the occasional meal or day where you feel too full, but, if speaking in terms of consistency, you will not overeat. You can trust yourself more than you think.''

Basically, Tracy was saying that I have the ability to not have any left over eating disorder anymore... so I just need to cut those final strings I have tied....

Now, it's not that I need specific help or advice... I just need support and confidence. I need people to confirm that it's okay to continue to eat enough to be full; I need people to confirm that it's okay to behave in ways that I know to be healthy. I just need a lot of reassurance. And that comes from tracy, jane, my parents, and you all.

Right now, though. I'm so tired. I'm It's not even 8pm, and I'm going to bed.