What I want

What do I want? Sometimes I think about what I want ("Yeah, sure, I'd like to eat breakfast even when I ate "too much" the day before."), but then I think I can't do that if I want to be happy and at an okay weight ("If I eat breakfast, I will get fat.")

But that's where I'm wrong: "If I eat ______, I will get fat."

I'm also wrong here: "If I eat ______, I will be full and out of control." (might feel that way but I won't actually be out of control)

I'm also wrong here: If I'm eating in a restrictive way now, then if I eat even a bite extra, then I have changed my ways and am at risk for making my weight go way up.

And I'm wrong here: I'm not allowed to go be part of the world unless I feel thin and empty.

***FALSE! IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAINTAIN NORMAL WEIGHTS AND BE PART OF THE WORLD AND EAT NORMALLY AT THE SAME TIME!!! I ALWAYS FORGET THAT THIS IS THE CASE, BUT IT IS THE CASE. I MEAN, NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD WHO IS A NORMAL WEIGHT HAS AN EATING DISORDER. NO, THERE ARE PLENT OF PEOPLE WITHOUT EATING ISSUES THAT ARE PROOF THAT IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A NORMAL WEIGHT AND BE PART OF THE WORLD AND EAT NORMALLY. IF OTHER PEOPLE CAN DO THAT, I WANT TO DO THAT TOO*****

So, what is possible: It is possible to eat 3 "real" meals a day without becoming sluggish from being overly full or sluggish from being under fed. It is possible to eat a sandwich for lunch and pasta for dinner and maintain the same weight you have when you eat 1/2 a sandwich for lunch and when you pick at the vegetables in the pasta for dinner (Thanks, R) instead of eating it normally. It is possible to not have an eating disorder, but also have some attention on health and say "yes" to avocado but "no" to cheese (or visa versa) because you don't need both but you like the taste of avocado. It is possible to eat meals at socially-normal times even if you're not ravenous for them and not end up gaining weight. (Like today, I ate breakfast and wasn't hungry at all for it. But it will not cause me to gain weight. In fact, it will do more harm than good. It will keep me out of a restrictive mindset. It will keep my blood sugar normal. It will keep my engine fueled and my metabolism going. It will decrease chances of overeating later. It will take food off of it's "special pedestal" that I have it on right now). It is possible to feel full and look the same as you did when you felt hungry. It is possible to feel full and still maintain your weight. It is possible to enjoy rich, "real" food without hating yourself or becoming fat - becuase you don't need to stuff your face with it, you just need to savor it and enjoy it until you have stopped enjoying it. It is possible to overeat and, instead of hating yourself and vowing to never eat again, just say "wow, i'm really full. I'd rather not be this full. oh well." BOTTOM LINE: It is possible to eat (even if you're not starving, even if you're eating something "real," even if you'er eating something you actually want) and still have the right amount of energy (not too full or too tired) and still have a normal weight.

Okay, if that is possible - and if plenty of people in this world do just that - then I want to do that too. I just have these "cognitive distortions" (that's what Jane calls them) that get in the way. In the moment I think that somehow I am different from all other people and, if I eat normally, I'll hate myself and be fat and have nothing to make me feel good.

SO WHAT DO I WANT - BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S POSSIBLE TO HAVE...
1. I want to keep food in my house. When I'm hungry, I will go eat some of it in a "normal" way. I want to not get scared of it and end up throwing it all away. I don't want to get hungry and feel like I can't eat so eat the crust off of some bread and then throw the loaf away. I want to keep food in my house and approach it when I'm hungry in a normal way.

2. I want to be in a rythym of eating: 3 meals a day that leave me with enough energy to exercise, socialize, and think about important things. That means not undereating, but it also means not overeating. I am in touch with my hunger and fullness and I do know when you're supposed to stop - I just often don't let myself get there. But I want to let myself get there.

3. I want to pick foods that I actually like the taste of. And I want to enjoy eating them. I want food to be more than something to take away hunger.

4. I don't want to count calories.

5. I want to choose foods based off a combination of health-awareness and taste and eat until I'm full (calories are not in the picture here).

6. I want to exercise when I truly want to - not when I am feeling 'angst' bout having just eaten and not because I feel like "well, but I always do this exercise at this time so I have to do it today too." (Today, for example, I'm not biking to the fro yo store. Because writing this blog was more important to me. I was in danger of having today be an eat-nothing type of day so I needed to write this. So I will drive to the fro yo store, but that's okay. I still am the same person whether I drove or biked. I'm still heatlhy. I'm still energetic. I'm still allowed to be my best self. I'm still able to socialize with my 2 friends tonight. I don't have to earn the right to be happy, energetic, and part of the world. I can be those things with or without biking to the fro yo store).

7. When I'm hungry, I want to sit down and eat a meal or a snack that is appropriate for my hunger level/cravings. I don't want to eat the skin of an apple while pacing around quickly and then maybe the rest of the apple and then feel guilty about the apple and then throw it in a trash can and then feel "angst." I want to just not be afraid of the hunger. Sti down. Eat the apple. Throw the core away. Move on.

8. I want to not think much about food or weight. While I want to enjoy my food and I do care about my health and weight, I don't want food or weight to be a pre-req for living life fully. I want to know that I can be happy and present in life no matter what I ate or what I weight or what I look like or how hungry or full I feel.

I do want all of this. Somehow, in the moment, those congitive distortions get in the way and I forget I want this - or I forget that it's possible - or I find some reason that I don't really want this or I find some reason that it's not really possible. So it's going to take lots of frequent reminders. Lots of remembering. Lots of correcting the cognitive distortions. Lots of positive, reasonable self-talk. But I want to do htis. I really do.

So - I'm working at the fro yo store all day today. I don't think I've had a day of working at the fro yo store all day ever this whole summer where I ate in a normal, healthy way. This is such a danger zone for me. But I don't want that to happen today. So, today I ate breakfast event hough I wasn't hungry and even though I feel like I ate too much last night (I know I didn't binge so I guess it was just dinner - it wasn't too much). Still, I have all these thought in my head "don't eat at all." or "Eat 4 oz of fro yo ever 4 hours and that's all." or "don't eat until 8pm and then eat dinner with your 2 friends and pick something light." or "see how hungry you can make yourself. just play around and see." Then there's the other thought that says "do the right thing. do what you really want to do. eat normally. you wn't get fat. you wn't be worthless. you'll keep your mind present. you'll keep your metabolism going." It takes a lot of effort for me to choose the right voice... but when I correct the cognitive distortions, I know that what I want is also possible.

If what I want is also possible? then why wouldn't I do it?
So... I ate a normal breakfast even though I wasn't hungry.
And I want to continue to be like this for the rest of the day.
I don't want to forget...