I spent the majority of this summer feeling wonderful. Remember the Evolved Me? The no preoccupation with food? The relaxation? The bike riding? The frozen yogurt? The trying to socialize more? All of that?

Where did it all go?

I just made a big decision - no more teaching next year. I still think it is the right decision to make even if it's simultaneously a sad decision.

And now... a full day after having made that decision official.... I feel like I'm slipping and I'm losing all the good stuff that came with summer.

Maybe this is just me tired. Tired from the decision making process. Tired from continually getting under 5 hours of sleep. Tired from biking and PT. Maybe I have no perspective right now. After all, I felt great on Thursday and I feel crappy now. So, really, just 4 days ago I felt great. That means I can't be that far away from great again, right?

First of all - food is starting to bother me again. Not starting to bother me. It all of the sudden is bothering me. Today SUCKED with food. I hate it! I woke up unwilling to follow the nutritionists advice. I was planning on reducing the amount of times I talk to her. Well, after today, I'm basically begging to be back on a meal plan. I guess what happened was I started to cut back on food. Then I started to get cocky about it (look, I can restrict again - just like the good ol' days!) But then.... I started to get paralyzed by the restriction. I felt like I could eat nothing. Then I'd eat something and feel guilty. And I felt unable to decide if I was starving or stuffed, hungry or full. I have to remember, whenever I psychologically deprive myself (tell myself I can't eat), it eventually leads to eating too much. That "eventually" was today. I had not wanted to eat and, by the end of the day, I ate more than I ever wanted. And it makes me not want to eat tomorrow. But see, therein lies the beginning of a cycle. This means I HAVE to eat tomorrow. IT means it is ABSOLUTLEY ESSENTIAL that I eat tomorrow. So, I need a meal plan for tomorrow. I do not want to live today again. I don't want to go backwards or go back to square one. I don't want food preoccupation. I don't want to feel guilty for eating everthing. I dont' want to end up eating more than I want. I don't wnat to end up feeling like I can't eat even though I know I should.... and, mostly..... WHY DOES THIS TAKE SO LONG! SHOULDN'T I BE DONE NOT "HAVING AN EATING DISORDER" BY NOW?! Anyway, no point in getting mad. But there is a point in getting real. I can nip this in the bud and go on a meal plan for tomorrow until I'm "back on track" (mentally and behaviorally) or I can continue following my own dumb advice to "not eat" and end up paralyzed by restrictive thoughts or swallowed in guilt that then starts to accompanying eating anything. There is NO GOOD CHOICE except for to follow the meal plan for tomorrow. So that's what I'll do. I already planned my food for tomorrow and I HAVE TO FOLLOW IT even if I'm not hungry for it! Seriously!

Well, now that I wrote that - maybe that is the only thing that is bothering me. Yeah, I just need to be on track with food for tomorrow. It is basically crucial.

Sorry that this has to be about food agian. I watn to go back to feeling allowed to eat. And the only way to get there is to follow the meal plan for tomorrow. I'll also read a couple books hat usually assist in me being able to do this.

Tomorrow the agenda is:

Breakfast/coffee (already I'm thinking, "I'll never be hungry!" you know what? It doesn't matter if I'm hungry. It doesn't. I HAVE to eat breakfast if I'm going to not end up in an awful cycle. Like Tracy awlays says, getting back to normal as fast as possible is progress. So, tomorrow, I make progress by eating breakfast).

Bike to PT (I feel too fat to exercise but I have to push past that feeling and exercise anyway. Exercise is the only thing that always refocuses me and brings me back to life essentially.

Physical Therapy

Bike back and deposit check on way back

Shower

Eat lunch (I HAVE TO DO THIS! I CANNOT LET MYSELF GET AWAY WITH NOT EATING THIS! if I want to beocme not preoccupied again... if I want to do the whole intuitive eating thing... then I must eat lunch even if I swear I'm not hungry b/c it just has to be an 'on track' day. I don't want to think a/b food anymore.)

Go to my (old) school, return a book, clean out classroom :( :( :( :( :(

Study a little for the GREs

Dinner

Read, Relax

Okay - it's 1:52am. I am falling asleep and I have to get u at 6am So I'm going to go to bed now.

I have to remember that nothing that I do to "get out of this" or "get back on trakc" will feel good. Restricting seems like the best choice but that's what I'm doing now and that doesn't feel good - it doesn't even maek body image good. Bingeing is sometiems what happens but that feels awful all the times. And REstricting just maeks the bingeing all the more likely. Eating on plan seems like a bad choice b/c it's not restricting - but it is the only choice that takes me out of this stifiling place. It is the only choice that gets me where I want to go. So, like it or not, follow the plan is what i will do!

I am so tired I can't even see straight.