NEW APPRAOCH: STAY CALM

Hi Everyone,

I am an all-or-nothing, one-extreme-or-the-other-extreme type of person. I think I have recently been taking this approach to this slip/regression/whatever.

I've either been writing on here "Okay, I get it! I have to do this if I want my life! Therefore I want to eat and I will eat!" And then do I eat? Not really....

Or I've been writing "Okay I don't want to do this whatsoever but I have to so I'm going to do it even when I ate doing it!" And then do I do it? Not really...

In both scenarios, though, I've had a lot of energy - either "let's do it!" energy (which was just a facade, really) or "let's fight it!" energy (which I couldn't keep up).

But there is another approach that you all are helping me see. When Jane originally introudced me to the idea of the Evolved Me, she had me think about what the Evolved Me is like. I thought and pictured and imagined and quickly concluded that the Evolved Me is a lot like the Real Me just a lot more reasonable with myself. I hate using/writing the word "recovery" (I don't care when other people use it though), but I'm going to have to use it here because I don't know what other word to use. I have not been being reasonable with recovery from this slip/slide/regression.

I like the idea of reasoableness. It isn't scary to me. It doesn't even take a lot of energy. I don't have to put on my war paint and fight to be reasonable. I don't have to be passionate about what I'm doing to be reasonable. No, I just have to make the right decisions in a calm sort of way. I don't know how to explain this, but I get what I'm saying and it means something to me.

So, no, I am not motivated to "fight the ED." I don't want to fight. I don't have energy to fight. And I'm sick of being at war with myself over this.

And no, I'm not motivated to "passionately leave the ED behind and follow my dreams and live my life fully." That would be cool if that were the case, but, unfortunately the voice that says "just stay really hungry - it'll make you feel great" is a little too loud for that right now.

It is easy to give in to the ED right now. Because it takes effort to eat, because I'm not pissed at the ED right now, because I'm not distracted by having to do other things (like teach or keep a roommate happy), it's easy to say "yeah, okay, let's just be hungry. that's easiest."

The fact that it's so easy to not eat and the fact that I feel like I am at war with myself to eat does mean that I am "in" this. I know that even though I don't really know it. Part of me knows it.

There is another part of me though. This other part of me KNOWS I can't let myself keep doing this to myself. Another part of me KNOWS where this ends up. Another part of me says "You've done this before and it led to a bad, bad place and this time it's going to lead to an even worse place if you don't stop." Another part of me KNOWS I'm not being the person I wnat to be. Another part of me KNOWS if I don't get super motivated, I'll regret it. That same part of me KNOWS maybe I do need IOP. But listening to those parts of me so far hasn't done any good. I can know all that stuff all I want - and all it does it give me false motivation and make me feel like I'm in a fight with myself.

I feel like there is another way to deal with this: the calm and reasonable approach.

I am inspired to be calm and reasonable from you all:

Blu said to not fight the thoughts, to just observe them, let them come. I think if I take this approach then they don't scare me or control me. I don't have to hear them and be in a fight (that takes too much energy). But I can hear them and not attach to them. I can hear them and let them be and let them "play around" in my head and kind of go my own way. It's not easy but it's a hell of a lot easier than fighting right now. It keeps me calm (helpful) and reasonable.

I see Lisalisa saying she wishes recovery were fun and now it just seems like work - and she's not completely free of ED behaviors or anything, but she also isn't letting herslef get as wrapped up in them as she could. She is calmly aware that her family is important, that even though she wants to restrict a lot, she won't actually like that result. Her writing is calm. Her writing is "I kinda want to do the ED thing; Recovery is a pain; yup... oh well." Her writing is NOT: "Screw, ED I hate him and I will not let him win!" Both appraoches work for dif. people at dif. times. Right now, I don't have the energy to have the fighting approach. But I think I do still have some sanity left to have the "yup, not fun. yup, there's the voice saying 'be hungry.' and, let's be reasonable. shrug it off. okay. let's eat." Do you see waht I mean? It's disobeying the ED without having a war first and without being super motivated. Do you know what I mean? This approach seems to have a different energy.

Then I see Zena saying "if you do this, x, y, and z happens." And I see her saying "this is how it starts and then it turns into something worse." And everytime she writes "soon it'll get worse and it'l be like ____," shortly after it becomes the _____. So I know she's right. Right now that isin't motivating me or pissing me off enough. But it does keep the rational part of my brain saying "Yeah, I know, it'd be nice to be hungry. But, what happens if you stay hungry? Exactly what Zena said. Okay, I guess I better do someting else." Kind of a low energy appraoch..

Maybe I sound like I'm deluding myself but I really think I'm not. I know for sure I'm not going to eat quite enough today, but I think I know for sure that I will eat when I'm hungry and I will eat 3 meals/snacks as appropriate. I'll get back to the place of 3 normal meals and snacks, but, right now, I just need any sort of food during the day. Really. Pushing myself to just eat something that can pass as lunch/breakfast/etc and deal with the fullness and push myself again at the next meal (in a calm and reasonable and observant and non-fighting) sort of way (this sounds so hard to me right now as I write this but if I freak then it won't happen. If I can keep myself calm then it's more likely to happen).

Basically - when I get scared, I get paralyzed and can't do anything. And the fighting approach and the awareness that I'm not motivated is scaring me. So it's not helping.

When I stay calm, I'm much more likely to do things that scare me.

So the key is to stay calm.

So I guess what I'm saying is this...
OLD APPROACH: eating disorder thought --> eating disorder action--> freak/scared --> too paralyzed to move I'm so scared and therefore can't even think --> more eating disorder action --> increase in fear level --> increase in inability to think/move i'm so scared ---> eating disorder action.

OLD APPROACH: eating disorder thought ---> mental fight --> (sometimes) healthy action --> eating disorder thought --> mental war --> I surrender b/c it becomes too intense --> eating disorder action

NEW APPROACH: eating disorder thought --> notice it's there ---> eating disorder thought ---> notice it's there ---> start to feel scared ---> keep myself calm (suing self-talk) --> eating disorter thought still there ---> fear rises again --> keep myself calm (using self talk) --> realize I don't feel excited to not to the ED thing but ACCEPT THAT and don't let it scare me --> now I'm even calmer --> realize I don't want to fight the ED thought that is still there and ACCEPT THAT but don't let it scare me --> now I'm calmer --> aware that healthy action is reasonable and it doesn't have to be fun in order to do it --> now I'm calmer --> healthy action

So... the food check off as well as the life check off:
BREAKFAST: eaten (tracy would ahve said to add a slice of toast but otherwise it's okay)

SNACK: eaten (tracy never made me eat this. this was a big snack. 1 slice bread with 2 small spoonfuls PB. it was not easy to eat but I used the calm approach. and now I hear the "dont' eat lunch" voice but I'm going to try to stay calm)

LUNCH: eaten (and it was not easy but, using the calm voice, I talked myself into it, and I was mad and irritated afterwards and wanted to run a zillion miles but I didn't, I waited it out using the calm voice and I avoided calorie counting and it all passed. p.s.: it was not a peach; it was something more substantial than that and less substantial than a panini. Tracy probably would ahve been okay with this but, ultimately, would have urged me to add half a sandwich or a salad or something. But, in comparison to lately, she would have been very pleased)

SNACK: - eaten (totally approved by tracy and, for wahtever reason, very easy to eat and didn't make me think about skipping dinner nor did it make me feel like i have become gigantic)

DINNER: - eaten (I think it was Tracy approved. It was Indian. I don't know what she approves in this category or not lol)

SNACK: - eaten (either totally Tracy approved or maybe even Tracy would say "um, you dind't need THAT much." It was a very large scoop of light ice cream with a spoonful of PB. Seriously, guys, I have a PB problem - this is why I can't keep it in my apt with me) (of course there's the ED voice that says i should therefore not eat tomorrow but there was a huge showdown at dinner tonight with my family which I will write a/b later and if I don't eat tomorrow, they'll basically force me to go to IP so I have to eat tmorrow. I'm not feeling anxious about it. I don't really want to not eat tomorrow. Anwyay, I'm staying calm either way and dealing with breakfast when it comes)

**I think this is approximately 12 times the amount of food I've been eating lately. But, the good thing is, it didn't swing to the binge side of things.****

LIFE THING 1: complete

LIFE THING 2: complete

LIFE THING 3: complete (needless to say I added like 7 things on my long list so I've actually made negative progress by doing 3 things haha, but I still feel good getting things done)

LIFE THING 4: