GRE, teaching, food, running

Hi, Everyone!

I took a practice GRE today instead of actually showing up to the real thing. I'm not prepared in the least and, when you send grad schools your scores, they see all scores you've ever received. So it's not worth it to take a real GRE when you haven't prepared. I can't get my money back, which stinks, but that's not a reason to show up and get an official bad score anyway.

Good thing I didn't take it because I totally bombed the practice GRE! Like woah! I have some studying to do! You'd think that if I can teach students (who are behind grade level and don't speak English except for in the classroom) to do so-so on standardized tests that I could then to well on them too. Apparently not! But, if I can get my students to improve then I can "teach myself" to improvmeent as well, right? I think so. I got a 98% on reading comprehension and a 100% on sentence completions (fill in the blank with the right vocab word) though. That makes total sense because that is what I have spent the last 2 years teaching basically. However, I got a 19% (yup, you read that right) on Antonyms. So, given that I have a super low vocabulary, this is how I see an antonym question:

DIRECTIONS: CHOOSE THE LETTER THAT IS THE ANTONYM OF THE WORD BELOW.

1. WORD I HAVE NEVER SEEN/HEARD BEFORE:

A. WORD I HAVE NEVER SEEN/HEARD BEFORE
B. WORD I HAVE NEVER SEEN/HEARD BEFORE
C. WORD I HAVE NEVER SEEN/HEARD BEFORE
D. WORD I HAVE NEVER SEEN/HEARD BEFORE
E. WORD I HAVE NEVER SEEN/HEARD BEFORE

LOL, SERIOUSLY! So given that that I did not recognize a single word ever, I think a 19% is some pretty awesoem luck :) Acutally, if you think a/b it, 19% makes total sense. There are 5 answer choices. I have 1 in 5 chances of getting it right. 1 in 5 = 20%. 19% is pretty close to 20% :) Wow, probability really is real!

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I went to my school yesterday to return some books and it was so sad being there. My throat got tight just driving through my school's neighborhood. I truly feel an attachment to that community. I saw my school secretary and she said, "I'm gonna kill you. We are a family here. You can't leave." I wanted to cry. Then I talked to the maintence men and I couldn't tell them I wasn't coming back. I talk to them every day for about 30 min or more during the school year. And I just couldn't "engage" in the conversation b/c I was so sad to not be staying at my school. They were joking with each other, talking about me in front of me. They were speaking as if I couldn't understand them (We all speak in Spanish to each other). They were like, "Oh, she go ta boyfriend over the summer. Look, she's in another world. She seems so sad. She doesn't want to leave her summer love to come back." I was like, "Um, hello - I'm right here. I understand you remember?" They started laughing. Even so, I couldn't bring myself to tell them I wasn't coming back.

I called my mom and said I'm sad to not be part of my school anymore. And she was like, "Oh, Laura, don't let yourself be sad." Um, I feel like that is not the right reaction for a mother to have. I got mad. I was like, "Mom! I'm not second guessing my decision. I'm allowed to be sad about leaving the thing that took up 100% of my day every day for the past 2.5 years!"

Anyway, It IS the right decision. I am sure of it. It's still sad though.

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like my new transitions? ha - a little abrupt maybe...

Yesterday was better food-wise, but I did binge at night. This was the first time I had really overeaten (and overeaten in a binge-ish way at that) in a LONG, LONG time. Maybe the first time in nearly a year? But I know why. It's because I cut back my food intake so much in the last week. So, it's "what I get" I guess.

anyway, I'm doing pretty well with eating when I'm hungry today, although I know Tracy would tell me I should eat right now. I don't want to eat though b/c I'm not SUPER hungry and also because I have to go to dinner in 2.5 hours (PTC, don't even comment... lol... I know!!!!) AT the same time, I'm aware that I actually have had nowhere near enough food for it being 4pm so I'm going to do the Evolved, reasonable thing and eat a snack now. A big enough snack so that I don't feel faint (that'd be a start haha) but not so big that I'm stuffed. MAkes sense, right? Yes. Okay, hang on.... okay, I just went to make an egg white omlette, which I will eat. It's like an appetizer?

I am majorly craving protein and REAL FOOD lately. I'm going out to dinner tonight. The place looks delicious. I'm going to order what I truly want to taste. I'm not going to "pick things off" the food. I'm going to eat it as served and enjoy the conversation. I'll eat without giving the food so much power. Just slowly munching along until my body gets that, "Ah! Wonderful! That's a perfect amount" feeling. I do actually get that feeling now.

I talk to Tracy (nutritionist) in 50 min. I'm nervous to talk to her, which is weird. I feel bad. I feel like she's going to be mad at me for having a bad week last week. I know she wont' be mad but I think she'll be sad or disappointed and I don't want to make her disapointed or "tired out" or hopeless. I've had plenty of bad weeks in the past but this one feels different. This one seems like it came out of nowhere and like I could have stopped it but I chose not to. It seems like it's evidene that I still have issues or something. And I want her to feel like her job is done with me. she's been working with me for so long (basically 2.5 years). This shouldn't happen. I felt like I had entered the part of this process where I was done going backwards. I thought I'd just continue on some linear path to normalcy - like I was approaching the finish line of this. And then last week happened. oh well.

Thing is, even though last week was bad, I really do feel like I'm on the brink of figuring this all out. I just want Tracy to think so too.

p.s.: I just finished eating the omlette.

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I ran today for the 2nd time since I had been not allowed to run. The first time there was no pain until the end. Then I tried running again and it hurt form step 1 - so I stopped. This time, I ran 2 miles and it didn't hurt! I am so happy about that! I'm also happy that I have the endurance to run 2 miles - having not run regularly in over a month now I was worried. I guess biking, stair mastering, weights, yogaing keeps up the endurance.

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Well, today was kind of a boring day. I don't like not moving a lot and not talking a lot. But today I haven't spoken out loud very much and I've been alone a lot and I haven't moved much. Movement and social interaction gives me energy and I've lacked those two things today. It'll be nice to talk to Tracy and to meet up with my friend for dinner.

Tomorrow is a super busy day:

J (therapist) at 9:30am - 11:10
Phone date with friend from high school who lives in Canada now: noon - ??
Physical therapy: 2 - 5
Work 7:30 - 11

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also, I didn't weigh myself today. I'm too freaked out. I'm going to eat normally and well and evolved this week. I'll weigh next week.

This is a boring post- sorry.