family session 2

The second family therapy session was still beneficial but it was harder - less comfortable. We talked a lot about how my parents can voice concern and me respond and keep the conversation calm and keep me from shutting down and keep them being productive and not counterproductive. I had a really hard time figuring out the answer to that. In the end, I told them they need to give me time to come up with answers (because it takes me a while to figure out what is real and what I'm actually experiencing without lying or being in denial). I also told them it doesn't help to threaten, to yell, or to provide me with nutritional info on why eating is good (it's not a lack of knowledge problem). I told them it doesn't help when they presume to know what to do, but I could perhaps tell them what would be helpful in any given moment. They understood. I also told them they are welcome to ask me "How's your eating?" I told them I'd let them know if they ask too frequently, and I told them that I could try to answer in a more open way (not quite as open as I am to Tracy and Jane, but more open than "Fine! Dad! Geez!")

I am still trying to pin-point why the session left me with the uncomfortable feeling. I think the ambiguous, want-to-stamp-my-feet feeling was a result of me not being able to figure out exactly what I was feeling. Some ideas as to why it was less comfortalbe and I felt less open:

1) we were talking about things having to do with my present condition and not just stuff about the past (present is always harder to talk about than the past), which kept making me confused between "I can just do this. I'll just DO it" and "I know I've been having trouble just doing it for years so, maybe I can't just do it but I'm not sure I can admit that right now." I had to try hard to stay truthful and to find my voice. It was hard to not go into denial or - on the other end - just say what everyone wanted me to say.

2) I kept feeling like my parents still don't "get it." When they articulate the problem, it's not totally accurate. However, that's not their fault. They listened to me. They learned new things about my experience with an ED. They were shocked at some things they heard (mostly the details). And they have no prior knowledge or experience with EDs. They understand the best they can.

3) My parents said some things that made me feel fat. When I was talking about when I was 19, 20, 21 (my most restrictive years - I'm 24 now), my mom said "But you were never really that thin." I interpreted that in two ways: First, I thought, "She thinks I'm lying b/c if I were telling the truth, I'd have been like 10 pounds or something. But I'm not lying, but no one believes me." SEcond I thought, "So I'm enormous right now. Because I was 40 pounds less than I am now in those years - so, if she thinks I wasn't thin then, then that just means I'm really seriously huge now."

Not talking and thinking in black-and-white is so huge. So, if I'm going to talk in "gray," then I would say something like, "Although I felt uncomfortable during much of the second session and I have some frustrations with my parents ability to fully understand, the sessions were ultimately worth it for the new level of openness and understanding achieved (on both parties). My parents learned more about the history and present state of my eating disorder and about how to communicate with me. My parents also learned more about the recovery process of eating disorders (slow going and it ebbs and flows). My parents are willing to help by having open dialogue with me and they support the decision to see Jane 2x a week and Tracy 1x a week and most likely begin medication and see what happens from there. And I learned that my parents will respect my autonomy and independence even if I'm open about the ED (big plus!).


My parents, I think, felt the sessions went well. They wanted a "plan" that they were confident would provide "Results." I asked them if they felt like they got that. They said "no." However, they also said that now that we can talk more openly, they're okay with not having gotten that because they don't feel helpless and they don't feel like things will spin out of control without their knowledge. So, they're grateful for the openness. That said, my mom is frustrated that I can't just talk to her. She wonders why I have to talk to Tracy and Jane when, according to her, she could tell me everything I need to know. She voiced this thought in therapy and Jane told her that while my mom may be very qualified to provide ED therapy and nutritional counseling (which she is not - but she thinks she is), sometimes kids just listen more to other adults in certain situations and, ultimately, you just want to do what works. That answer didn't really satisfy my mom. She is really hurt still.