The Water is Boiling....

I have approximately four separate posts "saved as drafts" that I just cannot continue. So much has happened that they are already outdated. So let me do my best to summarize. I'm really skilled in the summarizing department :) (Kay, that last sentence... not necessary... if I am summarizing I can't say things like that!)

When I first got home, I was making little effort to hide my disordered-ness. I didn't care. I wanted to eat the way I wanted to eat. I didn't want to be so hungry that I was in pain, but I essentially only wanted to eat enough to ensure I could still get thins done and get through the day. The first day I came here, I ordered a steamed artichoke for dinner while everyone else ordered real things - and I ate the crust off of 2 pre-dinner breads. The next day I didn't eat anything (besides green tea) while my mom and sister ate, then I proceeded to act very full after a normal-sized dinner (I was very full!). The following day I did not eat lunch while my mom sat in a restaurant with me and told me we weren't leaving until I ate. she cut the sandwich in half.. then in fourths... then took a slice of bread off.... no eating. I didn't want to eat then (but "I would eat when I was hungry," I maintained) so I wouldn't eat then. At the same time, I was noticing the negative effects of "maintining hunger." I was not exactly myself. I was "going inward." I was not "connecting" with my family - there was distance. There still is actually and I feel bad about this.

The following day I made my "Stay Calm" approach and ate a lot better. However, I endured a massive confrontation at dinner. The following day, the confrontation continued at breakfast. I ate the crust of a slice of toast and went running, which stopped the conversation in its tracks. This morning there was more breakfast/lunch drama (see comment section of the previous post).

As the confrontations/explosions have occured, my behavior has become healthier (IER - NOT healthY....I KNOW, I KNOW...). I can't "go inward" and I can't order something weird (like a steamed artichoke) and I can't eat in weird ways (like only eating the crust) and I can't not eat when everyone else is eating (even if I'm not hungry). And I can't run after eating. And I can't tap my leg or act/look tense before/during/after meals. So, basically, to avoid more confrontations (and also because I know it's what I need/want to do), I have to resist being "disordered." And I don't know how this happened so fast, I don't know how I went backwards so fast, but it's really not an enjoyable experience to try to be "normal." Not being able to order something minimal, not being able to tap my leg or run, not being able to eat the crust and leave the fluffy part leaves me..... just very..... angsty and uncomfrotable. But I've been left with that angsty/uncomfortable feeling on more than a few occasions in the last couple of days and, like it always has, the uncomfortable/angsty feeling goes away and then I'm fine.

Throughout these many confrontations/explosions/dramatic episodes, it's become evident that my parents care imensly and want to be able to help me more than anything and want some security that there is a plan in place that will produce "results." However, it's also become clear that they really dont understand eating disorders. I try to be open with them and they make me feel like a moron. Here are some of the things they've done or said:

---"Use your brain and eat like a normal person!"

---"You say if you eat this now you'll be too full and you'll have to run or not eat the rest of the day or binge - but that is irrational! That makes no sense to feel that way so just stop feeling that way! Just be rational"

---"You can't not eat all day and then eat a huge meal" (their huge meal was 3/4 of a veggie burger).

---"Why are you eating now if you way that you were full 2 hours ago?" (There point was to point out how I don't recongize my fullness properly but I feel like I shouldn't be eating).

---"You can't eat nothing and then eat bad for you things" (bad for you thing was fro yo)

--"You are doing things that aren't healthy. If you care about being healthy so much why can't you be healthy? Just THINK! Think and do it!"

---"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST THINK HARDER. THINK HARDER AND EAT IT!"

--They have also shoved food in my face. Given me ultimatums "Eat this by 1pm or we're not driving you to the airport on Tuesday" They have told me I should stop talking to Jane and Tracy b/c they're clearly not working. They have told me they're going to put me on lock down and come up with a daily menu and moderate exercise regimen that the whole family will follow (PLEASE LORD DO NOT LET THEM FIND OUT ABOUT MAUDSLEY!)

My parents are not in denial anymore. They're not afraid of confrontation or this topic anymore. And that totally weakens the eating disorder. It makes me do the healthy thing even when I don't want to and even when it's hard. Realizing how hard it is to do the healthy thing, makes me realize how messed up I am right now.

Jane told me today "You better count your blessings you'er not 14." OMG I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO THANKFUL TO BE OVER 18 in my life than during this trip home. WOW, HOW DIFFERENT IS THIS WEEK WITH MY FAMILY FROM THE LAST ONE?!

How did this happen so quickly? Seriously! Not that long ago, I blogged about things other than EDs and restriction and Jane and Tracy. Now, it feels like my entire world had been reduced to an eating disorder. My thoughts revolve around it. The attention I get (from my family and you all) revolve around it. It's like "Woah. What happened to life?" Seriously!

Jane called around 5:30pm today. I was SO RELIEVED to see her calling because the "shit was hitting the fan" in my house and we really needed a mediator and I really needed my parents to be making decisions WITH me and Jane and I really needed my parents to talk to a professional and I really needed my parents to get educated. Basicaly, I needed Jane to "handle" my parents too. They really do mean well and they will be a key source of support for me. There are SO MANY LIES between me and them on this topic, that an openness between us and their support I KNOW will be essential. But it's just.... hard. With just me and them.

I need to talk to her. She's been on vacation so I haven't talked to her in nearly 2 weeks. And so much has happened since then! I even figured out why I stopped eating enough and haven't told her yet. I just have so much to tell her I feel like. Last she knew, I told her that the anorexic voice was not a bully. Rather, it was simply saying "eh... let's not eat." Well, as Tara predicted, that voice has changed into more of a bully - much more of a bully - much more enticing, much more "if you do this, then this, this, and this." I haven't told Jane about that change and I feel like I should. I'll leave her a message tomorrow realy.

Jane suggested family therapy. She talked to my parents on the phone for about ten minutes. She suggested they come up to sessions this Wed, and Thurs, and Fri. Yes, 3 sessions. She thought it would be important so that everything can get out in the open and resolved - and so that no one feels pressure to accomplish all of that in one session. So... that's the plan. My family has been consideirng coming back with me on Tuesday night and staying an entire week with me (in addition to attending Jane's 3 sessions). I REALLY REALLY don't want them to do that... but I dont know why. Maybe it's b/c I want to be left alone to be disordered. But also it's because I feel like I'm being babysat and I don't like htat feeling.....

My dad also had a chance to ask Jane questions. I didn't hear the whole thing but he asked if this was an actual regression or if he had just been in denial the whole time. Jane told him it was both. I also heard him tell her that this has been going on for too long and he wants to make sure a plan is in place to end this and he wants to take an active role.

Today my dad said "Think about us for once" And I burst out crying saying "I'm sorry I can't make this go away for you." I am really hurting them and I feel horrible.... I'm more distant. I'm less connected with them. It's like I came home and made no memories except for ED memories with them. My sister didn't really get to enjoy me, her big sister. My parents just worried the whole time I was home. No one understand this - this (ED) makes no sense from the inside or the outside - and I'm hurting a lot of people. :( <--if I could make that frown face huge, I would.

I'm not psyched about my parents staying for so long. I'm not excited about feeling babysat. I wish that I could have a session with Jane BEFORE the one that my whole family attends. this is going to be very hard. The water is about to boil over the pot basically.... and that will really leave me feeling powerless sometimes... Still, there's a part of me that knows this is good and necessary - and it's that part of me that's letting it happen. But, truthfull, I am so nervous and scared....

I really go back and forth between "wow, I'm really messed up" and "It's nt that bad and if everyone can give me some space I'll be fine!"

I might be struggling more so than I have in a few years - but I do *want* to have a life without this problem anymore. I do want it gone once and for all. I'm just so tired of trying. And it's weird that it's not just 'going away' easily. I'm getting totally drained and exhausted from this. I feel like I finsih every day run over by a freaking semi or something (just from trying and thinking about it).

You know, I know I'm complaining like "oh my world is so small now" and "oh my parents don't understand" but, really, I have a very good life and amazing support. I get it - I've totally been "crashing" this last month, but I made an awesome life decision (not teaching - might have played a part in the not eating thing but I had to make the decision.). I have a nutritionist who goes above and beyond. I have a therapist who cares. I am able to see both of these two people. I have a wonderfully supportive family. I have an amazing relationship with my parents. I am open to them about EVERYTHING except eating disorders. I have a few good friends who I am now (finally) able to be open to, and they are not only willing (but wanting!) to listen. I have a great friend who is flying fron NY to visit me just to be with me for a few days (in a couple of weeks). I own a computer that allows me to blog and, in doing so, I have met you all.

I might have an eating disorder, but besides that little blip, life is good and I have a lot to be thankful for.

oh, and in case if you wanted a food report for the day...
1. there was the watermelon
2. there was the "bit" of brown rice/salmn
3. there was a snack of 1 saltine, 1/2 slice cheese, 1 walnut, lettuce with a spoonful dressing
4. there was dinner of 1 slice of cheese-less pizza and 1 cup veg. soup
5. there was no running
6. yes i'm aware that's not enough - but that is WAAAY better than what was happening before coming home.... and that is pretty good for the day after a night of overeating
7. yes i can promise that tomorrow will be better
8. plan is: oatmeal or eggs for breakfast. Sandwich for lunch. banana for snack. family dinner. possibly fro yo for an evening snack. with a moderate run. (That would satisfy one of the earlier meal plans I had. and it wouldn't be too far off from the more recent one).