I ate dinner. And some fro yo for dessert. Then I felt guilty. Then I chose not to think about it. Still choosing that. I would rather hve not eaten fro yo. I'd rather have eaten real food b/c I was hungry, but oh well. Fro yo was the closest thing and I have no food in my house and I was hungry.
My brain was not nearly as stuck today.
I think I'm back on track but tomorrow is busy so it's a little hard.
I want to eat enough to not be "inward" and enough to not feel super weak but I don't want to eat so much that I feel food in me. Yes, I know, that is a little disordered. But that's doable. Right?
Eating rules?
1) always eat when I'm hungry
2) aways eat what I want
3) stop when I'm not hungry anymore (this is the rule that originally got me in trouble)
I don't want it to get me in trouble anymore because I don't want to go back to the meal plan.
Why is food an issue? Eating is actually very simple. Open mouth. Insert correct amount of food. Enjoy taste. Swallow. Feel food in stomach. Know that you dind't just become out of control. The end. That's all there is to it.
I like the nonchalant approach - which, I know, clearly that worked so well for me last time. IT did work well for a while! - just until it didn't work well :)
Tomorrow I am biking to the fro yo store at 7am, then setting up the store, then locking it to bike to the bank to meet my former roommate for some refund business, then biking back to the fro yo store, finish setting up shop, working until 5pm, then biking home, showeirng/changing/packing dinner ultra fast, then driving back to the fro yo store, working from 7:30pm to 11pm, then driving home.
And eating during all of this. Eating is tricky tomorrow. This is how it's gonna work:
--B before leaving my house (oatmeal or egg)
--open fro yo shop and I have to take 1 lick of each of the flavors (I mean, I have to know if I loaded the machines correctly! Oh, you know you'd lick all the flavors too...)
--don't eat fro yo
--lunch at fro yo store (veg. chili)
--don't eat fro yo
--snack at fro yo store (the rest of the veg. chili)
--bike home
--shower/change
--drive to fro yo store
--pick up subway on the way
--eat subway at fro yo store when there are no customers
--pack a fro yo for a snack after closing
--after closing, if I want fro yo eat it. If I don't want fro yo b/c I'm actually hungry (which will likely be the case, eat something else that I plan ahead of time)
Okay, needed to get that straightened out.
Sorry - sometimes I have really boring posts that are just a bunch of lists....
I don't really have anything to say. I don't even know why I'm posting.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Jezz, that's a busy sched. Good job having a plan, that's where I get in trouble. No plan, ED sneek's in. Just stick with. I'm so glad to see you eat at Sub, that's one of the fear places for me, not sure why but I'm going to think about trying one. Think mind you, I'll talk to the N about it when I see her on Thur and let her plan it with me.
ReplyDeleteJust so you know, oatmeal/egg, veggie chili, and subway is NOT enough food for the day. That's not even 1000 calories for the day. You need to at least double that. I don't think you are eating when you are hungry. You should be starving after only eating that little for the day!! Don't fool yourself in thinking that you're out of this.
ReplyDeleteokay I am with PTC an egg for breakfast that s 70 cal...what happened to the exchanges...your going to have to go back on the MP if you dont straighten out...I hope you read this before breakfast cause you need 2 eggs, oatmeal and a piece of fruit...I know I know but you dont want to feel the food...but I love you so I am going to be blunt...you are heading down relaspe road...believe me I KNOW...you need to stop going with the emotions of food, stop attaching emotions to food...food is neutral...its around so that you stay around..(ie not collapse and die from lack of it)...do you relaize you are burning off everything that you are eating during the day by biking so much...you are very active you need more food...its not about being greedy or anything retarded like that its about living and with all this thinking about eating/not eating you are not living, at least not to your fullest ability...PTC is right you are NOT out of this..and really your thinking is very distorted and I am starting to get scared...I know you are saying you feel less stuck but I have to say it again just get out of the fire(follow the MP) and figure out why you are having this relaspe later...your sinking and we can see it..STOP it know before its to late.."TRUST THE PROCESS"...
ReplyDeletehere is a little exerpt to what normal eating is...I dont remember it all but youll get the gist...
normal eating is...sometimes eating to much and feeling full, sometimes eating less and still haveing room for desert...sometimes its eating the desert cause it tastes so good and sometimes its not..sometimes its eating fresh cookies right out of the oven, because we all know they are best right out of the oven, and sometimes its waiting til tomorrow cause you know they will still be here...thats not all ofit cause I cant remember it all but what its saying is in NORMAL eating there are NO rules...and my sweet girl right now you have allot of rules...what you are doing is definately not normal...what was the "dont eat the fro yo" about...eat it it tastes good and its nutritious after all you know whats in it..I mean girlie, if I can eat cake at Zacks birthday you can definately eat some fro yo and survive...okay okay i will get off my soap box...I just love you to much to see you do this to yourself...be evolved, be ED free, and like nike says just f-ing do it...K...
love you no matter what
Tara
Crud! Ok I screwed up that. I read your plan with ED eye's and mind. I was walking the restriction path today too. I read an egg and oatmeal, and blanked out the rest of it. I'm with Tara. Suck it up and just use a meal plan for now. Errr.... hold on.... Ok Had to go and go and get a slice of cheese to make up for what I restricted earlier. I was playing the "evolved" game too, oh I'll make up for it later. Then you can't eat now your hungry you might binge. There are MP's for a reason. Take care of yourself! Please.
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't get comments like these all the time so I don't think it's just the case that you guys were holding back all this time and now have decided to tell me I'm heading down the wrong path. I also know that, in the past, when people have said stuff similar to the things you guys are saying, the people were right. So, knowing that, you are all probably right. I did add up the calories for my plan just now and realized that no, it's nowhere near enough even if I weren't biking - and I am plannign on biking - 22 miles of biking....
ReplyDeleteAnd I am hungry now (I woke up about 30 min ago). I'm hungry and I ate yesterday so why am I hungry? Because eating for one day doesn't "cure hunger" for the week. I know...
I don't want to be heading down the wrong path or stuck in this. I don't want to be giving you guys reason to raise the red flags. I just want this to be a non-issue. Please? Please can't it just go away? I am actually aware that if I eat the meal plan, I'd be eating a lot more food than I am. I ate on the meal plan really not all that long ago (1.5 months ago now?) and obviously was not imploding/exploding by eating the meal plan so I know it's possible. I also was not any fatter than I am now from eating the meal plan. (I haven't weighed myself in almost 2 weeks now and I'm scared too because I might have gained weight - but I'm going to weigh myself on Tuesday so that I can just KNOW my weight so I can stop worrying)
Anyway, this really isn't about weight right now. This is about eating though. And the fact that I'm hungry now and I have to eat breakfast. But I already drank water and coffee! Yes, I know - I know, incredibly disordered statement...
J called yesterday and she said to keep eating even if I don't want to because the more I eat the more quickly my mind will come to normal.
I could just not eat and not bike? Then I wouldn't be biking at least! But not eating is not an option. a NON option.
I think Zena's advice to "get my ass out of the fire" (I don't think she actually used the word ass though) is good advice. But what does that mean I do? Eat what I know the plan would say? I guess so... Am I really in a fire?
Maybe I can't think right now b/c Im so freaking hungry. I better just eat breakfast and come back to this b/c I have to go to the fro yo store very soon.
okay, i'm going to go eat breakfast now.
I really should not press "post comment" b/c I know that this comment makes me look insane... oh well, too late, you already know I'm insane :)
you are not insane...we all have those thoughts...and we worry cause we LOVE you and see you getting sick even if you cant see it...SO whats for breakfast...and dont say a freaking egg or I will beat you with my stick...GO BACK TO THE MP..its not a step back its a step FOWARD!!!! soemtimes evolving means accepting the and guidence we need and deserve..you are not alone in this and dont have to fight it alone...let us help guide you...WE(I) WANT TO HELP...you have helped my so much...let me return the favor...and no I didnt say get your ASS out of the fire...but whatever works for ya...but ummmm yeah get out of the fire before you burn alive...then dissect why you are relasping..and yes you are relasping we all see it...I know it hurts to hear...but I think you need to hear it...said with love and compassion
ReplyDeleteTara
TAra you are so, so sweet and supportive.
ReplyDeleteOatmeal was for breakfast
And 3 glasses of water
And 1 large mug of coffee
And I feel fat/full. But I'm okay with it. Really. It's okay.
Thank you for the offer to help. I will accept it. I have to go now or I'll be late to the fro yo store, but I'll be online again later this afternoon to check in on ya.
(HUGS)
Laura
yeah for oatmeal!!! yeah for doing it!!! yeah for evolving!!! Yeah for trusting the process!!! that said I will make my breakfast/lunch whatever...M is taking me boating taday then for a walk then to dinner...then to a movie..will check in later tonight...I want a good report..K
ReplyDeleteLove and support
Tara
wow, so much has happened in blogland while I have been gone! I'm glad you are open to the support you have been recieving and are giving your restrictive patterns some good honest thought. I hope you can get back on track-wait- I KNOW you can!
ReplyDelete