stuck brain or something

I had a rather unexpectedly confrontational/intense/kinda scary session with J today. Tracy and J talk, which means there's never any hiding anything. So, after my restrictive week (which, according to them, was preceded by two restrictive weeks and culminated into a much too restrictive week last week), Tracy of course tells J all the details.

J and I don't talk about food THAAAAT much. Mostly because I've been pretty nutritionally stable and, therefore, able to talk about other things. Also because I always figured "I can't talk about food with her if I also have a nutritionist." I didn't understand the point of J for a while (like, until May).

J put all these rocks on a plate. The big, spherical yellow rock represented my core - "you're a nice and good person." All but 4 of the other smaller rocks represented good, unproblematic parts of me ("helpful, curious, persistent, funny") (<--her words). Then she said, "In therapy, we don't' really focus on your good natured core or these other good parts of you. We tend to narrow in and zoom in here (she points to 4 rocks). These rocks are parts of you that are problematic. And, since we talk about those parts, it can tend to make you feel crazy and misrepresented." She the said the 4 problematic parts of me are:
1) "Anorexia" (She actually said the word. Ugh. She did not say eating disorder. And she said the word about once every other sentence, seriously)
2) "Anxiety"
3) "OCD compulsions/tendencies"
4) "Self punishing" (Although, she said I'm a lot more nice to myself than I was at the beginning of therapy. This is true.)

She played around with the rocks, putting the "Anorexia" underneath the OCD and Anxiety, then next to them, then on top of them. She said she wasn't sure exactly how these rocks were arranged, but the reason that "this isn't over and the anorexia is still here (which, btw, my weight is totally normal and I'm not even kidding) is because we're just now realizing that there is OCD compulsions and anxiety and we are just beginning to treat those."

I sort of just smiled and nodded. Sure, whatever. I have no idea. I see what she means though... I guess.

Then she wanted to talk food specific. She wanted to know what on earth happened last week.

I told her that it was the first time in a while where I knew I was doing the wrong thing but my brain just felt "stuck," like I knew I should eat and I wanted to eat and I couldn't. I told her that I read her book, BRAIN LOCK, and that pulled me out of it. She commented that Tracy had told her that I wasn't yet out of it because I only ate __ and __ yesterday. I was like, "Okay, I know this looks bad. I get that I'm like an alcoholic holding a bottle saying Seriously, I don't have a problem. I get that that's what I seem like right now. I know I'm hard to believe right now... But I did pop out of it. My brain did get unstuck on Monday afternoon and Monday was good because of it. Tracy thinks I'm not unstuck yet because I only ate __ and ___ yesterday. But that was seriously because I wasn't hungry. But Tracy says it doesn't matter if I'm hungry. But, really, I know, I know. If I were you I'd think I was not unstuck yet either. But I can feel that my brain is more rational now."

We sort of analyzed how last week ended up happening. This is what we realized: It started off with letting go of calorie counting and beginning intuitive eating. I felt great because I gave up my system of rules. I also gave up the meal plan and I was going to intuitively eat. Intuitive eating does have some rules, though - such as eat when you're hungry and stop when you are full. It's that whole 'stop when you are full' rule that got me. Suddenly I decided I could be full on a little less. And then a little less. And then, I was aware I wasn't full but, who cares, I'm still having a great time in life! In the past, I had things in place to keep me from "letting the anorexia be in control" (her words). I had a meal plan. I had the desire to please Tracy by being a good meal plan follower. I had a roommate who would get very upset when I wouldn't eat and so I had a desire to keep her happy. In order to keep her happy, I had to eat. I also had a fear of bingeing. Suddenly, all these things that kept me eating were gone: I still wanted to please Tracy but, with no meal plan, it's easier to eat less and please her. I no longer have a roommate. I stopped keeping food in the house. I didn't fear bingeing (I hadn't done it in a while and there was no food in the house). So, without these things keeping me in line, "the anorexia took control." (her words). Then J started talking about anorexia and about how its not gone and I supposedly have it and it sneaks up on you like this and you have to be careful.

She told me that if I cannot eat better, she'll have to recommend that I do not live alone. Not like I have to take her recommendation but, still, a kind of serious thing to hear.

Then she told me that she can tell I have a "calorie deficiency" right now and that I'm not yet "unstuck" because my skin is "paler" and my eyes are "less colorful" and you seem to have less "pep." I don't' know if this is true or if she's just making this up to scare me into eating more.

She wanted to know what I had had to eat today. Then she got really serious with me after I told her (it was like one bite of something) and wanted to know exactly what I was going to eat/drink for the rest of the day. All of the sudden, she was on this mission to give me calories. She wanted me to drink juice not water. She wanted me to take a snack to physical therapy. ETc. ETc. I told her "no, I don't see that happening" to a couple of her ideas. And she was very understanding and said, "Okay, that's too challenging right now." I always responded by saying, "It's not too challenging I don't have any worry around food. It's just that I don't see myself actually eating it. But it's not because it's challenging. Nothing is challenging anymore." And she said, "This is the anorexia talking trying to convince you that you're fine. It is challenging or you would eat." Then she was funny and said, "Just a side not: you do have to eat to not die, you know that right?" I laughed loudly on that one. I said, "Oh, wait, let me write that down." She goes, "Here's a pen if it'll help!"

J wanted to know if I'm motivated by anything besides bingeing to eat. I told her that I think I am motivated already b/c I already have experienced the negative effects of eating too little. She wanted to elaborate on what those were this week. I told her not enjoying exercise, feeling fatter than ever, feeling too hungry to think, hallucinating/ worrying that I ate when I didn't, noticing that I'm less connected to the customers at the fro yo store. But I also told her, "I know this sounds so disordered and bad, but it's not like this is my whole life. I also socialized a lot more this week and had a lot of fun." She said that was good but that I can't ignore the seriousness of this "regression" by claiming to enjoy life while it's happening... I don't know. I'm confused now.

Anyway, in the end, she asked me to write the answer to the question: "Was my brain stuck today?" every day this week and read my answer to her answering machine every night and turn in the log the next time I see her. She also wants me to tell her answering machine if I ate or not. Specifically, she wants to know about dinner.

So - um - wow... I feel like this all came out of nowhere and it's a little unreal and I don't know how I feel about it. Tracy and J are acting very serious towards me... J kept saying, "This is a huge regression and we need to stop it right now."

I don't get it - I don't get if this is real or not. J and Tracy are never wrong but they are reacting so seriously. Do I need to be worried? I'm confused! Is it ACTUALLY a big deal? I don't know....

Even as I write this blog I feel like I'm not talking about myself. Yet, I also know I'm not lying here so that's weird.

I also know they say "this is serious" and I say "no, don't worry," and yet - my report for today isn't good....

So to J:
Aug 5: Was my brain stuck today?
I noticed that my brain was stuck in the morning. I had an urge not to eat. It wasn't to make up for anything and it wasn't because I felt fat. I just didn't want to eat because that seemed better. At the same time, I knew I'm supposedly "out of it" and I knew I wanted to tell you I ate breakfast, so I ate 1 bite of something. I decided that's enough to claim I ate breakfast and I stopped.

At lunch my brain was stuck again. I thought "you don't need to eat." Yet, I had JUST discussed with you exactly what I was going to eat for lunch. I told you I'd eat it. If I didn't have you, I'd probably have eaten something random and little because the hunger would have gotten too much, but I knew I just had to eat because I told you I would. So I ate the 6'' subway turkey with cheese and LF mayo. My brain was unstuck after about 2 bites. The sandwich tasted so good and I felt like I could think again.

I didn't eat a snack or drink juice during physical therapy because it seemed logistically awkward and I just didn't' see the point. It wasn't that my brain was stuck, I just thought it'd be weird to eat.

But my brain got stuck at dinner again. I was so, so, so, so hungry for dinner. If I didn't work, I'd probably have sat down at the kitchen table and eaten it. If I didn't have to call you tonight, I might have eaten a lot less. But I knew what I *had* to do and I couldn't bear to think of telling you I skipped dinner after you so seriously told me I need to call you and tell you I ate dinner. So I packed my dinner and brought it to the frozen yogurt store. There was time to eat dinner. A coworker even warmed up my dinner and handed it to me and said, "Time to eat.... just trying to help." Even though it was there, in front of me, hot, my brain felt stuck and I didn't eat it. I just looked at it. I knew I should eat it. I knew I had the caloric space to eat it. I knew it wouldn't make me feel guilty. It didn't even make me feel anxious. I knew good weight management is NOT skipping meals. But I didn't want to eat it. So I did the things the BRAIN LOCK book tells me to do, but it didn't really work. And then I imagined the EVOLVED ME eating dinner (like we did today in your office) and I could picture it. I could imagine it. Nothing bad would happen. It'd be nice to eat dinner. But I didn't eat it.

I'm sorry...

I want to eat tomorrow because I want energy.

(This is an unreal post to me. I sound like an idiot crazy person. JUST FREAKING EAT! WHAT IS MY PROBLEM! this is not me! I am better than this so I don't know what the heck my problem is!)