Reasons to Push Myself to Evolve

Nothing will change unless I want it to. I think today I hit my "fear ceiling" and I also got new reasons to feel hopeful. Fear + Hope = Motivation.

FEAR:
1) Physical Health: Today I got so scared for my physical health that I was thisclose to calling my parents, screaming, "Help me!" and confessing every thing. Instead, I called J and Tracy. I felt so deeply hungry and my body hurt in a way it's not supposed to and I felt so dizzy and weak and so unable to eat it scared me to a degree I hadn't been scared before.

2) Alone: I felt so scared in so many ways and so alone. I wanted to ask for help everywhere and also didn't want anyone to help. It was this awful feeling that I hadn't felt before really. I just didn't know what to do. It's either ask for help and tell people the truth about my eating disorder or sink farther and farther under. So I found myself wanting to call people from college (they already know. I mean, they think it's over an ended but they wouldn't be shocked for me to tell them it's back). Instead, I left the most terrified sounding message ever on Jane and Tracy's voice mails. And, as soon as I left them, I went running and the whole time I was just looking at my phone, hoping they'd call. Tracy called at mile 4 and I stoppped and walked away from the human conveyor belt. I was being self destructive and was so so scared. I just wanted someone else to make my decisions!

3) Having no life: I love kickball. I was starting to make friends through the kickball league. It makes me social and full of life. Today, I couldn't go to kickball because I used all the little energy I had on running and Tracy advised me not to go to kickball. So, I missed out on kickball. Also, I have things to do (employers to call, cover letters to write, contacts to be made), and I'm not able to get anything done because of lack of nutrition. I have a lunch date and a dinner date planned with people tomorrow and I feel myself not looking forward to them because of food. I was so much looking forward to seeing these people, and I want to be carefree about seeing them. Also, I love physical therapy. Yesterday I had to excuse myself in the middle of the physical therapy session to use the restroom so that I could regain energy. the PTs kept asking me if I was okay. I used to come in their talkative and laughing and energetic. This Anorexia (yes, I said it) is stealing my personality from me and it's stealing my life from me.

HOPE
1) I am feeling a little overwhelmed with care right now. I feel like you all care (yes, even you, PTC :) ) so much. Jane called me twice today (one time telling me to immediately to go buy Ensure and to buy a plane ticket home). Tracy called me twice today (one time helping me pick out what the heck to eat while I was in a panic-starving state and another time to advise me not to go to kickball). Nicole (my roommate) cares so much that she's been willing to stick around through this and, even though her endless concern doesn't ever "leave me and my disorder alone," I know she sticks around because she believes in me. I also talked to someone who has lived with someone with an eating disorder before and I asked this person for advice on how to not hurt Nicole. In talking with this person, she gave me confidence that I *can* regain my life back (really, it's only been lost a few weeks - but it's getting worse by the day)

2) As I started to realize the severity of my situation, I started to speak about it differently. Tracy told me I sounded a lot more realistic. Jane told me I sounded a lot more in tune with reality and with my own psychology. It was nice to hear people tell me I was being rational for once.

3) I learned new techniques from Jane yesterday and they make me feel more hopeful too. I feel like I know how to not drown in this. I'm aware that if I'm willing to give up some control, I can survive this and come out better for it.

4) I've realized I'm not back at square 1. I'm just learning something new now. All progress made in the last two years is not erased.

NICOLE:
I had a conversation with Nicole tonight, which went really well.

Earlier today, after she had texted me asking about food for the day, I had sent her a defensive text saying something along the lines of "we can't ever talk about this topic anymore and if you can't handle that then we can't be friends. So stop worrying! Or worry but keep it to yourself. And if you can't keep it to yourself then we can't hang out because I can't have our relationship centered around food." And she texted back saying, "Dude I didn't say I didn't want to be friends. What are your loved ones supposed to do? Not care? I have no idea and I'm taken aback by you saying I have to not worry or not be your friend. Do you think I'm just going to stop being your friend? That's insane. You have less then 10 days to let people start helping you or I'm calling your parents - BECAUSE I'M YOUR FRIEND."

So, I talked to Jane today about how to talk to Nicole and I realized that I'm so afraid of losing her (I've previously lost so many friends from this - b/c I pushed them away) while simultaneously being so afraid of hurting her (I've previously hurt so many friends from this).

So I told Nicole about those fears. I told her that my goal was for our friendship to survive this. I was honest with her. I told her I know I'm really struggling and that I'm scared. I told her that I do realize the severity of this. I told her that I am doing things to fix this (I'm going home; I'm going to be willing to try medication if that's what the psychiatrist's suggestion is; I'm doing things to stay motivated; I'm calling Jane and Tracy; I'm preparing food even if I don't eat it; I'm going to have the conversations between "self knowledge" and "anorexia," like Jane says; and I'm going to tell my parents).

I also told Nicole that no matter what, until I've changed and left this behind me, I'm going to hurt her. No matter what I do - she'll be hurt. And it kills me to know that, but it's the truth. If I tell her to never broach the topic, that hurts her. If I tell her we can't be friends (in an effort to protect her), that hurts her. Until I change, she will be hurt. That's the sad truth.

I also told Nicole that she needs to keep her own well-being in mind. She is welcome to ask questions, just know that I'll answer them honestly. I told her I won't be offended if she doesn't ask. I won't be offended if she does ask. I won't be offended if one day she asks a lot and some days she asks once and other days none.

I told her she is one of my primary motivators b/c I care about her so very very much. I told her that I know she cares about me because she has stuck around - a lot of people can't stick around.

Nicole said, "Well, first off, Welcome Back. Oh man, you sound like you again. Thank goodness. It's like night and day. You sounded so irrational and in denial before it scared me so bad. You finally sound like you get what is going on." Then she told me thank you and that it was very sweet. She then told me, "You don't need to worry about pushing me away because, no offense, but I won't let you push me away because you're my best friend ever and I'd die if I lost you."

So, that was a nice conversation.

SO, ONTO THE POINT OF THIS POST:

REASONS TO PUSH MYSELF TO EVOLVE:

Working Definition of Evolved: Normal eating habits and thoughts, outward energy, being kind to myself, not holding back on life

1. Nicole: To not hurt her; to show her I care for her; to say 'yes' to social events with her; to enjoy pasta (her favorite food) with her; to make her life easier because I care about her so much it hurts.

2. Jane: I know she cares about me so I want to say "thank you" by caring for myself.

3. Tracy: She has invested so much in me. She has been so caring and persistent and understanding. She has taken me seriously even when I don't take myself seriously. She has been so patient. I need to give her a rest and show her I can do this. I want to do well for her.

4. My Body: So it never feels shaky or weak or out of energy. I can't have my life without my body. So that I can breathe easily and my chest doesn't hurt. So that I can do any activity (from exercise to being able to concentrate to get pregnant some day)I want. My body would also never feel too full (I'm not on that end of things right now but I could be one day and I have binged before so I'll throw that in too). My body would be adequately fueled to jump into life and give all I have to give.

5. Hypothetical, Potential One-Day Children: Both of my grammas were anorexic. One of them is 78 and still has eating issues/strong anorexic tendencies and people are annoyed by them. I want to put an end to this in my family. I want to stop the cycle. Who knows, maybe it's such a genetic thing that my Hypothetical-Potential-One-Day-Child will have an eating disorder anyway. But I can at least not trigger it. I can be on the watch for it. And I can know how to stop it through personal experience if it does start.

6. Dating - I avoid guys, decline their invitations, don't let them get near me when I'm in the midst of this. I had just begun to notice that I was finally letting my guard down (and I was freaking enjoying it!) when Kaboom! Eating Disorder is back. I'm so much more open to letting people near when I don't have an eating disorder.

(hang on - I need to go get food. I'm super shaky and starving and I don't care that it's 11:37 at night. I need food RIGHT NOW. Okay... eating... this is the right thing to do...)

7. Fun - It's hard to have fun when I have an eating disorder. I want to say "yes" to fun. I want to initiate fun. I want to let loose! I want to jump into life and interact with others. I am good with people and I want to have fun in life with those other people. I want to go to concerts and to restaurants and play sports and I want to look forward to Christmas baking parties. And I want to be able to hang out with someone doing whatever activity at whatever time no matter what.

8. Travel - I want to enjoy the places I travel to - whether local, national, or international. I don't want my mind to be worried about hunger levels. I want to go places and truly be there - seeing what's around me, talking to the people around me, listening to what's around me, tasting what's around me if I want to.

9. The following people... I either want to be or stay close or closer to them or I want to be a good example for them. Beth, Rachel E., Willow, Liz, KK, Ashley, Nicole, Marc, Dave, Tim, Patrick, Joanne, my sister, my mom, my dad, my brother, Emily L., Bridget, Antonella, Anna B, Meghan M., Sherrie, Kelley L.

10. Career/ Contributing to the world - I want to be able to pursue a career I find meaningful and I want to do GOOD in the world through my career. I have a lot to give to the world (I just know it), and I will not be able to use my life for GOOD if I am limited by energy levels, food thoughts, body thoughts, mean self-talk.

11. My skin - It is simply better and clearer when I eat better. Always.

12. Money - Therapy/Nutritional Counseling costs quite a lot

13. Peanut Butter - I love peanut butter so so much. I want to be able to keep it in my house. I want to go to THE PEANUT BUTTER COMPANY and actually order something and eat it. I want to cook PB Banana Pancakes (which I've cooked for roommates every Saturday for a few years and for my family every day in the summers but never actually taken a bite myself) and eat one (not binge on one - eat one... or two.... maybe three lol... okay I get to binge once - jk! haha)

14. I want to be an example - I want to be an example of how to live life. I want to be understanding of others. I want to be self-respecting. I want to be generous and full of "outward energy." I want to care about health - but not obsess. I want to value fun and love and kindness. I want little kids (my siblings and others) to be inspired to live well by living like me. I want to pass on "well living" to strangers by interacting with them in "well-living-ways."

15. Cupboards: I want to be able to keep food in my house without ending up throwing it away out of fear that I might (heaven forbid) eat it. And, when I live with others, I want to be able to be sane around the food in the house - not try to control it like some crazy Food Nazi. I made Nicole keep the PB in her room when we were roommates in case if I were to sleep eat it. (In case you're wondering how I ate PB sandwiches last night... someone gave me a jar of PB for free yesterday. I made sandwiches with it and threw the entire jar of PB away afterward - I know, I end up wasting food, I know.... it's so bad.. I don't feel good about this)



(okay, this list will continue to grow... but this is what I have for now...)

I know this will be hard. I know that. I know motivation will wane. But I have a responsibility to do what I can to keep it up.

Friday will be okay because I have a lunch date and a dinner date. I had an urge to cancel so that I could just be alone and not eat, but I *KNOW* I cannot do that. And Jane told me I absolutely *HAVE* to go to those (and she sounded more serious than I've ever heard her sound when she said that). So I will go.

Saturday and Sunday will be hard. I can't promise to eat, but I can promise to bring food to the for yo store and to put it in front of me at meal times. It is my responsibility to do that (for all the reasons listed above).

I'm scared and I just want to not be scared anymore. So if I have to try in order to not be scared, then so be it.

And I will go home on Monday. My parents will already know by then. I'll go home on Monday and stay through Saturday. Jane says going home is a "brilliant idea" and that it will definitely "pause the downward spiral and maybe even stop it in its tracks and prevent it from continuing." Maybe. I just knew I had to go home. Something in me told me that If I stayed by myself for a week, I'd go down really, really, fast - and I was scared. I can't let that happen. So I'm going home. And it'll be okay.