Evaluation

Hi everyone! I haven't been writing because I didn't want to write a bunch of disappointing food posts. I also haven't eaten enough to be able to fathom writing an organized blog. Too much energy I didn't have. Plus, I wanted to be able to write, "I'm gonna do this! I want this! I'm struggling but I'm not giving up!" However, the truth is, my motivation has been waning and I have been "giving in" a lot and so I couldn't truthfully write "I will fight!" And since I can't lie, I'd be stuck with having to write the truth. So, that's what this entry will be: the truth. I'll try to make it objective and rational and organized, and I'll keep the "gory details" out of it. So, here it is: the absolute truth. (Thanks, Tara, for encouraging the truth)

Before I get into food stuff, I want to just throw it out there that there are other parts of me besides eating disordered parts. I am passionate about a type of community development theory called Asset Based Community Development (ABCD). I am so passionate about this that it makes my blood feel like it's dancing. Essentially, ABCD is seeing strengths in people and places and connecting those resources to each other in mutually beneficial relationships so that each is magnified and supported. I love neighborhoods. I love civic engagement. I love treating other people well. I love uncovering unseen gifts in people and places and finding a way to connect those gifts to the rest of the world. I love conflict resolution and gang prevention. I love a particular grad school where I could get a Masters in Human and Community Development. I also love frozen yogurt and serving it. I value good customer service. I also value smiling at strangers and putting friendliness and positivity and hope out into the world. I value knowing the mail man's name and making a point to say it every time you see him. I also love activity - running, biking, acrobatics. And I love languages. I love children. I love random acts of kindness. I love math. And I love my family. And I love collaboration and brainstorming. And I really think no one should ever be closed to changing their mind - everyone's mind should remain open at all times. People should be able to play Devil's Advocate with themselves. And I also love sidewalks and bike lanes. And laughter. And high fives. And I think it's awesome when people hug you upon first meeting you. And I love the local news and wish more people read the local newspapers. And I love comedy routines. And I think it's important to say "hi" to the cashier when you check out of the grocery store. And I think you should never resist the urge to dance (maybe not NEVER... sometimes resist....) MY POINT IS: these things have taken up my life recently in addition to food stuff. So it's not like all I am is a jumble of eating disordered confusion.

So, food, therapy, nutritionist, plans: the truth (Btw, they are some conclusions at the end of this that are honest conclusions)

The truth is, I am, in Tracy and Jane's words, in the midst of a "severe regression." I am eating very little. And it is scarily easy to eat that little. It doesn't feel like it's about body image or guilt or calorie ceilings. I just.... am not eating... and I'm not sure why. And, rationally, I know that I should eat. Rationally, I know that everything would be just that much better if I ate. Rationally, I know all the bad things that could happen if I don't eat. And yet, I'm not eating nearly enough. And I'm afraid I'll continue to not eat enough and I'm afraid it'll get physically dangerous and I'm afraid I won't stop. I haven't ever truly felt like I have an eating disorder until now. Even in the times when I was physically way worse, I always claimed to have a reason for my self destructive eating habits. This time, I don't have a reason. So I'm confused and scared.... scared of myself (not FOR myself, OF myself). It's strange. It's like "Woah! What am I doing?! And why do I keep doing this?! And why do I not really want to stop?!"

And I'm afraid I'll hurt people by doing this to myself. In dreams, cars are supposed to represent your life. Well, last night I drempt that I was driving in my car on a road and noticed, in the distance, that there were people standing in the road, blocking my way. The people were my friends and family. Specifically, I saw some bloggers, my dad, J, Tracy, and my former roommate, and 2 jungle men. I thought to myself, "I better stop the car or I'm going to run into them and hurt them." But I couldn't get my foot to move to the brake. As I got closer, I thought again, "I really better start braking or I'm going to run into these people and hurt them!" But, once again, I could not get my foot to move to the brake. At one point, I got way to dangerously close to hurting all these people I care about. The short distance between me and these people made something click: "Oh Shit! I really better step on the brake or I'm actually going to hit these people and hurt them!" So I was able to move my foot to the brake, but it was too late. Although I slowed the car down, it couldn't stop in time and it hit everyone and everyone was injured because of me. The jungle man had a broken foot, j was covering her face, others were lying on the ground. And all I could think was, "I braked too late."

J and Tracy have now both mentioned what happens if it doesn't turn around. They talked about IP and hospitalization, which shocked me - but not enough to get me to eat better (which is the scariest part of all). They've gotten serious and "in my face" and talked about the dangers. I know them, and it weird me out that I'm not more motivated to change.

J and Tracy have decided things have to change and they can't depend on me to make the changes. Tracy's words exactly were, "This has been a very rough road for you and we think you need more support. It shouldn't have to be this hard." J's words were, "The sad truth is, you are trying very hard. It takes so much effort for you to stay on track with food when you had students and now, without any, it takes so much effort to even eat a single meal. It's unfair that you're working so hard. We have to make it easier."

So how are they making it easier? Supposedly, the following will make it easier:

1) I see J twice a week and Tracy 1 time a week (This is a big difference. 3 times a week of people. I used to see J and Tracy on the same day so it was just one intense day a week).

If that doesn't help me "turn things around," then step 2...

2) Let J and Tracy call my parents. (Nightmare)

If that doesn't help me "turn things around," then step 3...

3) Take medication (which I am pretty much against). J thinks we need to move straight to this step. She is a very conservative with medication and labels, etc. - much more so than Tracy. But she sees this as so important that she actually told me that we were going to call the psychiatrist together in the middle of her session today. Um, woah. So, we did. I asked J to do the talking. J left a message. Supposedly this guy is going to call me back. I cannot promise I'll make an appt. I'm pretty against the medication for a couple of reasons.

If that doesn't help me "turn things around," (or if I refuse medication) then step 4...

4) Get a roommate (which I won't do... so let's just cancel that one and call the next step # 4 too)

4) To to an "intensive outpatient program" where I have to eat my meals with other people (I feel like if we got to this stage I would get so freaked that I'd do ANYTHING to not have to do that. I'd eat instantly.)

If that doesn't help me "turn things around," then step 5...

5) Go to an inpatient program (Same reaction here as to the outpatient one).

You know what's weird, I was doing so well - until I wasn't. I thought this was all almost all behind me. J and T even thought so too!

I sat in front of J today telling her that I don't know what I want. I told her I might not turn things around because I can't decide what I want. what if I don't want to turn things around? Her response was, "Oh I know you don't want to eat. I know. But I'm not going to sit here and wait for you to be able to make a rational decision because that's not going to happen until you start eating more and we don't have that time." She then gave me a helpful analogy to explain to me why she's being so intense and different than previously and why she's telling me the "order of consequences" of what will happen if I don't "turn this around." Here's her analogy, written in script form:

J: if you had a child in your class who was continually skipping school, what would you do?

ME: I'd talk to him.

J: Right. And if that didn't work. What would you do?

ME: I'd start calling him every day at 7:30 and tell him to get up and come to school.

J: And might it be the case that he doesn't want to go to school?

ME: Yeah, he probably does NOT want to come.

J: Even though he doesn't want to come, are you one hundred percent sure it is good for him to come and bad for him to not come?

ME: Yes.

J: Okay, so you call him, and he claims he'll come, but he doesn't, so you talk to him and he says, "but I just didn't want to. I'll want to tomorrow." Do you wait for him to 'want' it?

ME: No...

J: No, of course not. So what do you do?

ME: I would call his parents and tell his parents that they need to get him up and encourage him out the door.

J: And he still doesn't come to school. Not only that, now he hates you. Now what?

ME: Well, then I start picking him up on my way to school. I drag him out of bed myself.

J: And you arrive at his house and he says he doesn't want to go. you take him anyway. What is he like on your trip to school?

ME: He's telling me this is pointless and I didn't need to come and get him and he can get himself to school on his own and he doesn't need my help and he hates school anyway.

J: Hm.. kind of like how you hate food and you can figure it out if you just have time to think for a second.

ME: Yeah....

J: So, now he's in the classroom. Good. But what does he act like?

ME: He does no work. He rolls his eyes. He curses at me under his breath. He purposely never pushes his chair in.

J: And what do you say to him when he leaves every day?

ME: I say "Great seeing you in class today!"

J: And just because he's not doing his work, do you stop giving it to him?

ME: No, of course not. I continue to say "Great seeing you in class today!" And I stop by his desk way more often than any other kids to encourage him to work.

J: Now, a few months later, does he do any work?

ME: Yes.

J: And, years later, what does he say to you?

ME: He says, "Thank you."

That made me understand a lot. Right now, I am that truant kid. And I understand now why J and Tracy are acting so serious. And I understand why my wanting or not wanting this is irrelevant.

Today, J's session was helpful - and different than any other session for the following reasons:

1) She looked at my food diary (she has never seen my food before. Just Tracy).

2)Told me I need to come 2x a week

3) Called the psychiatrist in front of me

4) Told me to leave, go to the grocery store, buy food, and come back to her office and eat it (literally - so I did) so that I could "get more out of the session."

5) She told me to bring food to every appt and, if I don't bring it, she's ordering take out and we're eating it right then.

6) She had me write a sentence about Denial (any sentence). I wrote the first things that came to my mind, which were: "This time is scarier becuase I'm not in denial. I've been in denial before without realizing it and it's never turned out well so why risk it?"

7) She had me make a poster. She wanted to title the poster "Reasons to recover." I told her I can't write the word Recover. So she changed it to 'Reasons to Get Better.' I told her I can't write Get Better. So now the poster is just titled "Reasons." She told me to close my eyes and picture who comes to mind. If I can't do it for myself, who can I do it for? Truthfully, no one came to mind. The planet Earth came to mind with lots of shadowy people. that's all. So I wrote: "The world." Then she wanted me to write other things too so I wrote "John McKnight" (founder of ABCD) and "Tracy" and "Jane" and "Nicole" (former roommate) and "so I can enjoy exercise as much as I usually do" and "so I don't annoy myself or others" and "so I'm not always in a moral dilemma of lying or not to people." The most motivating one of all is "So I'm not annoying."


8) She had me "listen to the anorexia" and "respond to it" and "imagine it leaving" and then "imagine it coming back" and then "responding again" and then eating the banana. I thought this was all over the top. I thought, "Okay, I can just eat the banana. This actually isn't hard. SEriously." I said to her, "Can I just eat it?" And she said, "No." And I was like, "ooooh, I'm going to tell people that my ED therapist told me I couldn't eat." She laughed and said that no one has ever said that to her before. This whole session I kept telling her how "bad" she is (not in a mean way....). And she was like, "I know, I am bad. And I have more badness to come too."

Anwyay - this is # 8 (right above) continued -- she had me close my eyes and she started talking as if she was the "anorexia." But the thing is, she talked in a way more mean voice than the way the "anorexia" actually sounds to me. She started saying things like, "The anorexia says you better not eat it. If you eat it, then no lunch or dinner for you. Or, if you eat it, you going to become fat. And, oh yeah, we're just going to cut back every day for this whole week." And I realized, my eating disorder used to sound like that, but it doesn't anymore. And I told her this. Now, it doesn't sound so much like a bully. The anorexia sounds more like, "Eh... let's just not eat...." It's not very strong and mean. So I told this to J who wanted to know why it was winning. And I said, "I don't know! That's why I'm confused and scared!" And she said, "Well, listen to it. Let it tell you why it thinks its a good idea not to eat. Just listen and tell me when you get an answer. So, I sat there, and I listened. First I said to it, "That's silly, it is healthy to eat a normal amount. I'm just going to eat." And the anorexia said, "Then how are you going to feel good?" So I told J that I got a response. I told her that it said, "Then how are you going to feel good?" And J was like "exactly - it's a self esteem problem. But, your self knowledge knows that getting your self esteem from feelings of hunger is destructive. Maybe your self-knwoledge can help your your anorexia. Your anorexia clearly is just trying to help."

So then I ate the banana.

And, she started talking, and I knew that even though I had just claimed the banana wouldn't be a problem, I knew that it was starting to become a problem. I could tell that inside of me, I was starting to imagine hardly eating a thing for the rest of the day. I was wanting time to pass so that I could feel hungry again. I told J this. I actually interrupted her and said, "Um, this is a weird thing to say. And I know I have never really said eating disorder out loud much less anorexia... but... if the anorexia were talking right now, which it's not but.. i mean, i know it's just me but...." J interrupted me and said, "What would it be saying?" And I told her it would be saying, "It's too bad you don't feel as hungry as you did a bit ago. If you wait long enough, you'll get to feel hungry again." And then J showed me how you respond to that. And, after we talked that out, I felt confident I'd eat lunch. (The lunch thing technically happened but T and J would not consider it lunch. I am having a hard time eating...)

That's when J came up with the idea to write letters. She wants me to write letters from the anorexia (btw, I have never even said the word eating disorder out loud until today and now I'm writing the word anorexia). When I decide to not eat or when I decide to play a little experiment with not eating (not going to write details out of fear they would be triggering), J wants me to write a letter to myself from the anorexia so that I "listen to it." And then she wants me to respond to the anorexia with a letter from "Self knowledge." And she wants the "self knowledge" to be like a mentor to the "anorexia."

I love J. She is so nice and helfpul and understanding. I say "It's my fault, I just didn't try hard enough." She says "It's not your fault. It's your responsibility to keep trying, but you did try hard enough. You tried as hard as you could." I appreciate her saying things like that. She also told me, "I get it. I really get it. I get how strong of a grasp this has on you right now. I've been where you are, too, and so, trust me, I get it." I appreicatiated that little disclosure too.

So anyway - I am cautiously hopeful. Cautiously because over and over and over again in these last few weeks, I say I'll eat and I don't. Hopeful because these tools worked today. Today I ate the banana with her. Then, for lunch, I had something extremely minimal it hardly counts. Then, for dinner, I had the rest of my lunch. I was about to go to bed, it was 11:30. I was fully aware I was starving. Fully aware I was being dangerous to myself - it is dangerous to only eat that many calories. I know this. Fully aware I'd be hurting ppl I care about. Prior to my session with J today I would have just said, "but I dont' want to eat. I'm sorry but I'm not going to. I can't right now. I could if I really wanted to but I must just not really want to." And I would have gone to bed, very hungry.

Tonight, though, I thought I would listen to the "anorexia." So I did. It didn't take that long to listen. And, as a result, I ate 2.5 PB sandwiches. It's a lot of food but it didn't feel like a binge. It didn't feel like overeating. It just felt really nourishing. I had gotten SO hungry. This food felt GOOD. It wasn't hard and it felt good. I can't promise what tomorrow will bring, but "listening to the anorexia" and "responding with self knowledge" made me a LOT less physically in danger tonight. It also made me able to think clearly enough to write this blog :)

Tracy had asked me to "make a plan to turn this around." I kept making unacceptable plans. I think I have an honest truthful plan now.

MY PLAN:
I cannot promise to eat.
I cannot promise results.
I cannot tell you I'll eat; I hope I'll eat, but I don't know if I will.

I can promise to do the "action steps" (that's what J calls them). That means...

I can promise to prepare/buy/get food at meal times. But I cannot promise to eat it.
I can promise to look at my "reasons" poster. But I cannot promise to care about it.
I can promise to add to my "reasons" poster. But I cannot promise to not role my eyes as I do so.
I can promise to be aware of when I'm being controlled by an eating disorder, but I cannot promise to gain control back.
I can promise to "listen to the anorexia," but I can't promise it'll make me eat.
I can promise to call J and Tracy, but I can't promise I'll please them.
I can promise to continue to be honest, but I can't promise my honesty won't hurt people.

So, I can promise and plan for those actions. But I'm not saying I'm going to eat. I just don't know what will happen. I do believe, however, I'm a lot more likely to eat if I do those actions.

Will they be enough? I don't know.
Do I care if they are enough? I'm not sure. I think I do...

So, that's where I am.... I am losing more times than winning the battle of the meals; I have newly aquired tools to win them and hopefully those tools will work; and I also have other parts of me besides an eating disordered part.