GETTING REAL

Blu, you didn't offend me. You complimented me at times. You also told the truth. And you reminded me of who I really am. Thank you, Blu, for reminding me that I am capable of being in control of my own person. I've wanted to write "okay everyone, stop worrying, I'm fine now," but I felt like no one would believe me so I couldn't write that. Also, it might have been the case that I wasn't fine.... but now, now I am going to write that I will be fine and - believe me or not, it doesn't matter - because I will be. And that can begin right now. (No, this is not going to be a huge denial post.)

I'm not sure what to write. I think things are on the upswing right now (I know, nobody believes that, but just stick with me for a second...)

I had a good, non-disordered day. Yes, I had the "I'm mad" moment after lunch and when my mom didn't see the point in seeing Tracy. Truthfully, I don't even need to see Tracy. It would serve no purpose. I just wanted to go as a way to run away from my parents I think. But, beyond that, I ate well (I'm not going to go into food lists right here. Just trust me please), I did things with my family, and it was an easy day - relative to the other days. But I don't want to write about my non-disordered day. I don't want that to be the subject of this blog. I feel like I "should" write about my non-disordered day, but that's not what I want to write about - and that's not what's important.

I'm realizing something about myself. I am waaaaaay to attached to receiving others' approval - and that shows up in my relationship with my parents, with Tracy and Jane, with my bosses and friends.... and even on my blog. I write out food lists here because I feel like you guys want them. I feel like I have to update after everything I eat, because that's what I'm supposed to do or something. I have not been open to my parents on the subject of eating disorders because that would shatter their "perfect child" idea of me and I want to uphold that image so as to continue to have their approval. And, when I am open, it hurts them and suddenly I hate myself because "I'm not making them proud (read: I don't have their approval)." I invite my parents to appointments because I think it's what they want (not necessarily what I think will be helpful). I say that I'll consider IP if you all want me to because that's what I'm supposed to say. I talk to Tracy even though I don't really need a nutritionist anymore because I feel like if I were to quit her, she'd feel bad because I'd be quitting before she felt like I ate "perfectly." So it's like I can't quit her until I eat her version of perfectly. I can't quit her until I've won her approval. Even at the frozen yogurt store, I mop the floor so, so thoroughly at night so that the manager will know that I'm a "good mopper." Seriously, What the flying f**k is that all about?! That's just dumb.

Is sounds like I'm revealing myself as "a fake." I don't think I'm a fake in a manipulative type of way; I'm more a fake because I don't know my own wants/needs well enough and, when I do, don't feel the right to assert them. I hope no readers feel deceived. I definitely am a people pleaser and dependent on others' approval in an unhealthy, impossible, unsustainable way. I'm not a fake when I say I care about the world. I'm not a fake when I say I care about people. I'm not a fake when it comes to living life according to certain values and principles - and I'm not afraid to assert those either. When I'm doing things just to win others' approval, it's not that I'm a fake - it's just that I often don't even know what my own preferences really are. Does that make sense? Yesterday, my parents asked me what day I wanted them to fly up to go to Jane. My actual preference is that they come for as limited as time possible. I love my family but I DO NOT want to turn them attending my therapy sessions into a freaking vacation. Seriously. So, that's my preference. But how did I respond. My response was, "I want you to do what makes you feel the best."

This blog has been a place to process thoughts, organize ideas, and also a place to vent irrational, supr-of-the-moment emotions. However, this blog is starting to become fake too. It's starting to take on a life of it's own, and I'm not always in control of it anymore, and I need to gain that control back starting right now. I feel like I'm almost becoming more insane, child-like, and disordered just by writing here. I don't know how that happened. Maybe it's because I truly did become more "Restrictive" in my eating habits. I wrote about that. Then, in order to win your approval back, I spent the last month playing the part I was supposed to play (out of control girl on her way to IP) and/or saying the things I had to say to win the "right" to talk about other things besides ED things. As if I had to only talk about ED things until I had achieved "approval" that I was "safe" to move onto other topics. I don't know if I'm making any sense here.... All I know is... well, sometimes I say "can the world just slow down for a second." What I mean by that is, "Woah. Let me stop, find my voice again before I start using the voice that I perceive that others want me to use." Is anyone following this? Sometimes I'm so slow to form my own opinions that I just take on the opinions of others when things are moving really quickly - and that is not a good thing.

So I'm trying to get real. Actually REAL. Not be the person that I perceive I'm supposed to be. I need to reclaim my actual person, my actual identity, my actual preferences. Why did I lose all of these this past month? Maybe it's because I entered the first real transition period where the future is uncertain and so..... I just tried to find a role for myself. And the role I assumed was the one I perceived that others wanted me to play: the ED girl, the client/patient, the food-focused girl, the one on an "ED recovery journey."

Blu commented that she reads my blog as of late and thinks "Where is this strong woman who wants to save the world? Who is capable of maybe doing just that?" I have wondered that myself. I write this blog lately, and these comments I make, and I annoy myself. Blu goes on to advise that I am an adult, I have to take care of myself, I have to understand my own needs and dreams and attend to those. I do not have to be a little girl doing what my parents telling me to do. Beyond my parents though, I don't have to be a little girl doing what anyone expects me to do. The truth is, no one really expects me to be or do anything. I am my own caretaker. I am my own parent. And I am also an adult. I am capable of knowing what I need and being able to assert that, discuss that, go after that. And I'm not a mean person - I'm not going to hurt people simply by being true to my own self.

So.... TIME TO GET REAL.

Lately, in this blog, I've wondered: What is real? What of all of this is me playing a character? What of all of this is real?

In terms of this relapse, the following things are real:
1. I did start to eat less.
2. I did go through a few weeks where I found myself "unable" to eat enough. In truth, "unable" is a bunch of bullshit. In reality, I was allowing myself to not eat because I didn't want to.
3. I did scare myself that I could do this.
4. However, really, I was in control the whole time because, had I really wanted to just stop, I could have (and I can).
5. I focused 100% of my energy on food, lack of food, and hunger at the expense of moving forward in life. I was aware this was happening.
6. Part of me wanted to "keep this relapse" going so that I can avoid moving forward in life.
7. Part of me acted immaturely and like a child so that I could be "taken care of" by my parents and not have to move forward in life. "I can't move forward; I have to deal with an eating problem." (Okay, seriously, time to believe in myself, buck up, and move forward - scared or not, ready or not)
8. I did things that confused even myself (mostly acting like a child in my parents' house. Why I did this..... Not sure. Maybe so that they got concerned and therefore had no expectations of me and therefore I didn't have to achieve anything in order to win their approval. All I had to achieve was 'eat normally' and I knew I could do that...??? Just a thought..)
9. I have a folder full of bills from this month that I haven't opened.
10. I have 4 coverletters/resumes written but not sent.
11. I have a list of contacts that I would love to get to meet, but I haven't called or e-mailed.
11. I have questions that need to be answered about the future that I have been too chicken to think about.
12. I have "acted out" so badly that the topic in therapy switched from "future" to "food." (This was my way of getting out of the future topic)
13. I realized I have s many hopes for the future that I'm basically paralyzed out of fear that I'll fail and not realize the dreams. (Well, that's nice, but it's time to - once again - buck up and move forward ready or not, scared or not)
14. I have become attached to the computer world at the cost of the live world

Does this mean there's nothing wrong and I have to just stop being fake? No, just because I found a reason for food going downward doesn't mean it's not a problem. But it DOES mean that I have to deal with things and pull from my inner-strength (which does in fact exist) and charge ahead (even if I'm afraid). And I am a persistent, brave person - I can charge ahead. I can. I know that I can. Even if others doubt that I can; I know that I can. I do.

In gymnastics, there's a moment before trying a new skill where you are so scared your palms are sweaty, your heart is pounding, your organs are shaking, and your breathing is shallow. You are afraid you'll hurt yourself, miss the bar/beam/vault, land on your head, die... there are so many uncertainties. But not trying the new skill for the first time is not an option because "you are a gymnast. you face fear. You learn new skills." So you stand there, about to go for it, feeling like you could faint from fear. If you let yourself, you could wig out, spazz out, freak out, and it'd all be over. You wouldn't have tried the new skill. Your coaches would have been let down. You wouldn't have improved. But that's not what you do. You don't let yourself wig out. You pull yourself together. You wipe your sweaty palms on your thighs. You cover your hands in chalk. You take a deep breath. You focus. You concentrate. You decide to have faith and believe. You zone out everything that makes you scared. You zone out all your teammates watching you. You do not allow a fearful, doubt-filled thought to enter your brain. You only allow for positive, motivational thoughts to be. You zone out the other girls' floor music. You look at the apparatus. You tell yourself you can do it, and you imagine it happening. You get your body prepped and tight. You stick your right leg out in front of you, toe pointed. You bring your left foot to meet your right foot as you bend your knees. You swing your arms down. No turning back now. This is you - ready to go for it. Once you've swung your arms, there's no turning back. You go 100% or you really will hurt yourself and fall. Hesitation means disaster. Determination means safety and success. So, you thrust your arms straight up high again. You straighten your legs all the way through your toes, jumping with all your might. And - suddenly - you find yourself in the midst of a new skill - you're flying, you're remembering how to do it, you're calculating if you're going to fall or not and, if so, what to do to make it the softest fall possible. You watch only the important parts of your environment... and then it's over. Maybe you executed it well - but maybe not. It doesn't really matter. Because now you're not afraid to try again. So you work on it again. And you keep practicing until it gets there. That is what I need to do now with life. And I will do that with life. Because I don't want to feel like a child/baby anymore, and that's what I have been feeling like. I think I was enjoying the effects of being the child/baby for a while, but I'm not enjoying it anymore. I'm not. It's getting old, stupid, and stressful.

Blu, thank you for your comment. It was empowering. You reminded me that I have a person inside of me who knows how to navigate situations, who knows what she wants and what she's capable of, and who has the ability to live independently. I forgot that I had that power for the last month, but now I remember. I am stronger than I remembered. I am more mature than I remembered. I am smarter than I remembered. I can talk like an adult, say what I need, make my own decisions, be healthy, and take the steps I want to take towards making the world a better place.

Just remembering this makes me feel so empowered. I suddenly don't feel like the world is changing and dragging me along without me having any say.

So... getting real....
Yeah, haven't been eating that well. That does not need to stay the case. And I do not need to be shipped off to an IP. I know that. In my heart, I know that's not the answer. The answr is remembering my strength and being brave. And I don't need to go back to a meal plan. I haven't been writing this blog for that long, but I was a religious meal plan follower for 2 years. So, yes, I do actually recognize hunger and fullness. I do know how to eat. And I don't need a meal plan. I know how to feed myself and I can do just that. You may not believe me given the recent slip, but I know that I've done well-ish for the past 2 + years (especially for the past year), and I know I can do this. I don't have to re-learn anything. At one time, yes, that was the case. That is not where I am now. Now, what would help would be being brave, doing "life things," continuing to work on talking to myself in a calm, evolved, reasonable way, and talking to Jane.

I go home (my own apartment) tomorrow evening. My parents will be coming up Thurs and Fri. I'll be mature and figure out what I most need out of these appointments, and I will articulate that - scared or not. Then my parents will leave. And, yes, I will be seeing Jane 2x a week. However, I will also be attending to life. I've basically stopped living for a month, and I've now remembered that I'm capable of living again.

I'll write about what seems to be most important - not what I feel I "should" write about. And, no, I'm not going to starve to death and just fail to mention it. I'll keep you in the loop on the food front, but I don't assume that will be all I have to talk about.

I'm making a commitment right now: to Get REal with myself. To Be Real with myself. And to Write Real. And to believe that I have the ability, the right, the strength, the "goodness" inside of me so that I will not be a "let down" to the world if I just take the courage to do what I'm afraid of doing (everything non-food related). No one knows what is best for me except for me. That is true. I'm not saying that there's never a case where a person's "treatment team" knows what's best for them. That is not tha case with me right now though. I think this whole "Relapse" thing was me putting on some sort of show - not in a manipulative way. It served several purposes. Yes, it was an immature way of dealing with life. But, anyway - I know what's best for me. And I trust myself. And I know things will be fine. I'm done relapsing. This might sound like crazy talk, but seriously. I am. And, if I find that it's tempting to keep relapsing, I'll just remind myself that I need to get mature, buck up, and "go for the new skill." Because all this food stuff DOES make me feel like a child - and I am not a child. So, time to be adult about life basically...

I hope this post made sense. It did to me. (I'm not saying there's no food problem and I don't ever have to focus on it again. I am just saying that I will be fine. I remembered how to be fine. I use mature thoughts and my inner strength to do it. And, also, I need to just buck up and attack life - step by step. no, it's not like "oh, this is so simple! All is fine and dandy now." But, it is like, "okay, let's deal with this transition in a mature way now..."

p.s.: colors in the process of being chosen. I got too tired and just had to stop...