Day off 21

• I call the days that I don't have to be at the program "Days Off," but they're not really days off. Really, I can't take "time off" from being healthy, you know? I need to apply what I learn in recovery and in the program to all parts of my day - every day - no matter where I am.

• I write this next part only because I have to admit to the role it played in my day today. I can't pretend like this didn't happen because it did, and it needs to be addressed: Woke up starving this morning. Weighed myself. Normally, the # doesn't phase me much. My weight is where it wants to be. Maintaining my weight would be a fine thing for me to do. And I've come a long way to accept this. I used to fret when my weight was less than this - now, I accept this weight and was never planning on trying to lose weight again. I weigh myself every day (I know, I know... probably shouldn't), and it pretty much always says the same thing. It stays within a 2 or 3 pound range. I do take note of when it's in the higher of those 3 pounds, but I don't feel any sort of emotional reaction to the # on the scale like I used to. I used to feel a horrible feeling in my stomach every time I stepped on and then a wave of nerves every time I saw the # (even at times in my life when the # was lower). But this reaction doesn't happen anymore. Every morning, I can predict pretty much exactly what it'll say. I have no pit in my stomach before, no nerves after. I don't get a high off of the # either. I just know the number and that's that. on with my day... The program has me on "maintain." (the choices are: gain, maintain, restore metabolism) They basically consider my weight as having maintained so long as it stays in a 5 pound range. The rule is: if I go below that, I have to gain back. If I go above that, they'll adjust my meal plan. Well, today, I stepped on the scale and the # was below that - like a pound and a half below that. I was surprised to see that #. I didn't feel happy - just a bit confused. I say that the # I see on the scale doesn't affect my food. I say the # I see on the scale doesn't stick with me throughout my day. Usually, I truly mean that. Unfortunately, I think today it did affect me. I need to be careful. The scale has never been a dangerous tool for me, but I'm starting to see how it could become one. I saw that # and thought about it thought the day (embarrassingly, this is true). I should think "eat, eat, eat, so that it goes back up tomorrow by the time they weigh you at the program!" Instead, I was thinking "let's keep it down here. Let's keep the weight down. Maybe you can lose more." (I am seriously embarrassed to admit this. This thought process DOES NOT reflect who I want to be. I would soooo much rather have spent time thinking about things that MATTER. I don't want to be someone thinking about her weight all day, and I'm embarrassed that, today, I did think about it more times than normal. Well, it's a learning day. I can make a choice to not continue this type of thinking in the future. In the future, when I start to think things like "keep your weight here" or "get your weight lower," then I promise (to myself I promise) to push those thoughts away and go spend my mental time on things that really matter. I did push those thoughts away today 70% of the time, but 30% of the time I engaged. Goal: turn that 70% to 100%.

• I REALLY ENJOYED my breakfast. I loved the taste. I loved the blessing. I was present in my tastebuds and in the conversation with my parents. As I was eating it, I was thinking about how I used to have a calorie rules. I used to allow myself to eat X calories before dinner. As I was eating the breakfast, I wondered how I ever could have survived on that - as this breakfast was nearly 2X. I was eating more at one meal than I used to allow myself to eat until dinner. How sad to think back on those times. How could I deprive myself? Life is way better with more food throughout the day.

• As I was eating, I couldn't help but think about my angel card: The Angel of Purification. I was thinking about how eating really is a form of purifying our souls. Eating well lifts my mood; it energizes me; it gives me my personality; it snaps me into focus and alertness; it makes me present. If I want my personality, then I must eat my meals. Simple as that. I used to look back on restriction and remember good things: I remembered being happy and confident and energized. True, I also remembered being zoned out and tired and cold, but I always thought, "I'll just restrict enough to get the feel-goods but not enough to get the freezings and irritables." Anyway, now, I realize, even when I was restricting moderatly, I still wasn't my best self. There was always a part of me counting calories, always a part of me not listening to the conversation, always a part of me aware of my body and doing body checks. I don't want to live with some of me present and some of me off food-listing, calorie-counting, body-checking. I want to be fully available to the world. I want to live 100% in the now - alert - awake - engaged - connected.

• I had an ED moment at lunch that showed me what I need to work on. I went to subway. I know very well that, when I go to subway, I'm supposed to order a 6inch with cheese/mayo and chips for lunch. So, I have the easiest time eating in calm environments. I like being present and mindful with my food. I like tasting it. I like feeling peaceful. The challenge at lunch came with the subway environment and I did not handle it well. The line was long. The person behind the counter was yelling questions "cheese? toppings? oil and vinegar?" and I felt rushed to answer. There was a war in me "Do I say yes to cheese or not? yes to cheese or not? ah i'm holding the line up. ah the woman is waiting for an answer, ah what do I do? cheese? i'm supposed to say yes.... oh i feel rushed.... " And the people who were making it were just slapping ingredients on it and throwing the sandwich around as they rolled it up - which made me feel like anger and hostility was going into my sandwich. So, I stood in the line, feeling very internally chaotic. I was not present. I was just a walking ball of chaos. I grabbed chips like I was supposed to and paid. what I SHOULD have done is this: I SHOULD have taken time to note that my internal chaos and frozen feeling was anxiety. I SHOULD have then taken a second to breathe and calm myself down. Then I should have eaten. Instead, I didn't have that awareness and I let the inner chaos get the best of me. I immediately unpackaged my sandwich (while still in Subway), took off the cheese, scraped off the mayo, took off one piece of turkey, ripped off some of the bread.... and threw all of that away. Then, I gave my chips to the homeless man outside. I sat in my car afterwards and was like "WOAH! What the heck did I just do? What in the world just happened?!" So, I didn't handle this well. My take away is this: Feelings of chaos = anxiety = must calm down. Another take away: throwing food away and deconstructing a sandwich is an ED Behavior = i must be anxious = take time to calm down and then reapproach the meal. The problem with this scenario is that I lacked awareness while in the thick of it. Hopefully writing it out here will help me increase awareness for next time.

• I applied for a job today. That feels good.

• I also did a lot of future-life thinking today. That felt good because I came away with some idea of direction....i don't really want to talk a/b them in detail here... but i might have some idea as to a path. maybe? for now at least?

• I had issues at dinner, too, unfortunately. I was hungry before dinner. I think a part of me wanted to stay hungry so that I woudln't gain weight. I thought about the number from this mornign and wanted it to stay there (yes, evidence I should probably take a break from weighing myself. I've never had a problem with weighing myself but I can see where this is going). Anyway, I just did a lot of ED things... it was a completely ED dinner. Horrible. So I'm just going to confess it all: I had a choice b/w staying home to eat with my parents or going to a restaurant with my sister/neighbor. I chose to go to the restaurant so that I could get away with restricting. I didn't even stop to combat this. I just went with it... (looking back, I see how in it I already was). I ordered lentil soup and polenta (yes, same as last night). When it came, I saw oil on the soup and didn't know waht to do. It made me freeze up. Again, I should have recognized this freezing up as anxiety. I should have taken a chance to center myeslf. But I dind't even catch it. Instead, I spooned the top layer of the soup off and onto the plate on which the bowl of soup rested (yeah, nice manners, I know...). I did this to get rid of the oil. Then, I ate the soup with a fork. But I was sooooo just..... scared? I guess? of the oil..... that I was really hardly eating it. I probably ate like 20% of the soup - if that. But I knew this was looking restrictive, so I took a piece of bread from the table, took the crust off, and just ate the crust in teeeeny tiiiiny bites so that it took me as long to eat the crust as it took everyone else to finish their entire meal. Then I took my fork and cut my polenta up into pieces and pretended to eat it but didn't actually eat any. I was aware I was being eating disordered; I was aware my sister was probably noticing. But I was in that "brain is stunned from fear" place where I needed a relaxing timeout to stop myself - and I didn't take a relaxing timeout... I wasn't even self aware enough to notice I needed a relaxing time out. There's a theme from this post: I need to work on continuing to recognize when my brain is stunned from anxiety. I used to be better at that than I have been recently.

• AT dinner, I watched with happiness as my sister ate her squash brown sugar ravioli sooooo normally. I'm so glad she's a normal eater.

• I realized when I left that, on my contract, it says I now have to tell someone that I restricted at dinner. My east cost ppl would have been asleep, so I told my local, non-program family friend and another non-program friend over g-chat. I basically said, "you don't have to do anything about this. I just ahve to tell you, I restricted my food a lot at dinner. I have to tell you b/c it's on my contract. But no worries b/c I'm on track. Thanks for letting me tell you." Then friend A called. And she said, "Well, obviously you're not on track b/c you restricted your dinner." And I told her "no, I was, it was just dinner.... well I also had a lunch issue today..." And, as I talked about the day with her, I realized that this was an ED heavy day - its just that I was minimizing it. But, if I look at actions, it was an ED heavy day. This is good for me to realize. I never admit to this or realize it in the moment... it's only in hindsight that I notice.

• And then Friend B responded... in time for evening snack... which I was COMPLETELY set on skipping (we ordered chocolate cake and I had 2 bites so i figured that was my evening snack). You can see, from the conversation, that there was some massive (even uncharacteristic partly) ED stuff going on. Geez, what was wrong with me tonight?! Anyway, this is another example of "reaching out." The more I write a/b reaching out, though, the more I think "ok, this is ridiculous how much you have used this in the past few days. you need to get back to being self aware and doing this on your own." Here's some of the convo:

Friend: i'm glad to be the person you're telling

btw, i ate dinner, and now i just ate cereal, and now i'm going to eat more cereaal

me: aw, you're the best. thanks for telling me that. i'm glad youer' glad and not annoyed

Friend: (and i haven't turned obese yet)

me: nope u haven't

i also restricted at lunch

but didn't tell anyone

maybe if i had told someone i wouldn't ahve done it at dinner

Sent at 9:01 PM on Sunday

Friend: you can always tell me --- and that includes sending a text in the middle of the day

(or middle of the night, or whenever)

me: thanks

hopefully you won't ahve to get too many

(insert lots of conversation about non ed topics... then back to ED stuff )

Sent at 9:11 PM on Sunday

me: really quickly: here is my rationale for skipping the evenign snack: at dinner, we ordered chocoalte cake and i had two bites. so, in my mind, that counts as my evening snack. is that eating disordered thinking or is that normal? (the more i talk a/b today the worst it gets lol maybe i should just shut up and follow my meal plan)

i'm hungry. that's why i should eat my evening snack. body knows best. not mind. ok. thanks.

and another total subject change: cover letters suck

Friend: two bites of chocolate cake is so not a snack

a bowl of cereal or a luna bar is a snack

or a piece of bread w/ PB

and if you are hungry, you should eat something

remember that whole idea of "just eat" and then you'll be able to think clearly? yeah, i think you need to "just eat" right now so that you can start thinking clearly

me: good point

FFrriend: haha

brb

me: ok thanks. i'll go eat now. gracias.

Sent at 9:15 PM on Sunday

Friend: ok i'm back

go eat

(and make it something that actually is substantial)

no two bites of celery or something

me: omg u are so clever.... or sneaky... can i just tell u what just happened (no judging)

Friend: yes

me: i just was set on eating

and then i decided "eh, maybe not"

and then i weighed myself (which I NEEEVVEERRR EVER have done at night)

and it was down

and i decided i want to keep it going lower so i was not going to eat and not tell u

and then u said "go eat"

Friend: all the more reason to eat

me: lol

Friend: so go do it now

me: ok hang on

ok eating

thank you

Friend: good

what are you eating?

Sent at 9:22 PM on Sunday

me: a chocolate PB protein bar

Friend: good!

you should eat the whole thing

me: damn! you are like a freaking spy!

i just said to myself "i'm just going to eat half and then put it down" and i broke off half and put the other half down

and then u wrote that

are u spying on me? are we video skyping w/o me realizing?

Friend: hahahahaha

i just figured you might do exactly what you just did (um, hello, I lived with you remember?)

and i think it would be better (and you will be happier with yourself later) if you ate the whole thing

Sent at 9:25 PM on Sunday

me: i just finished the whole thing. True, I am very happy with myself right now.

Thank you!

Friend: you're welcome

i'm glad you ate that

you needed sustenance

Sent at 9:28 PM on Sunday

me: yes, true. and i feel happy too. it's all fine after i eat. it's the first bite that seems to be the issue usually.

so, total subject change: how's the flood repair going?

(and conversation ensued about different topics)