Day 74

• It was relaxing eating at the program today for the most part. I enjoyed being at the table for snack, lunch, snack. I wasn't over thinking too much. I enjoyed my company. I really do like the other girls.

• In group, 3 people said "restricting," and, unexpectedly, I had this instant reaction of a pit in my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I didn't expect such a reaction from the word "restricting." It was this reaction that was just like, "Ew, get away!" I felt so turned off by the word "restricting." Ugh, the word "Restricting" just turns me off so much. I never want to go back there. I have been 100% on track this week and it's been sooooo nice to be back in PHP. I haven't been restricting at all this week, and it's felt good. Why do I go back to restricting when, honestly, it doesn't even really feel good? I just never ever ever ever ever want to fall off the meal plan ever again. It's too hard to get back on. I just never want to fall off of it. I don't want to ever restrict again....

• The meal outing was fun. i ordered spicy salmon tacos. I was cooperative :) i was not at all in my head. I was tasting my food. And, weirdly enough, I actually enjoyed feeling the food in me. I know, where did that feeling come from? I was so hungry before hand, and, to be relieved of the hunger felt good! <--new feeling

• Had a session with my program therapist. The main take away from the session was that I want to/need to / am going to try to start feeling things from my heart and not from my brain. I'm going to try to filter through all the circular thinking, all the doubt, all the overanalyzing and I'm going to try to just feel for the truth in my heart.

• I woke up today and considered going into my mom's bathroom to weigh myself. But then, I felt my stomach (not like body checking... like getting in touch with my inner guide) and my heart and said to myself, "No, this here, this tells me I'm okay. My inner self can tell me that I'm okay. I don't need to check." (And, I also trust my body now to basically, more or less, maintain the same weight from day to day).

• Here's the insurance news: insurance granted me another week of PHP! Yay. That takes me through next Saturday. The following Monday, a bed is open at this one residential place. (I currently am thinking that I'm most likely NOT going to agree to go - I go so back and forth on this though and I'm so confused). Apparently, my insurance is being nice and insurance is telling the staff, "Sounds like she needs more containment." Staff told me "Insurance is saying this! Even insurance is suggesting!" (Geez o peets the staff must be like ED lawyers. They must be darn good at making a case for me or something. Because I honset to goodness am doing the best I've ever done in YEARS and insurance said this?!)

• I'm having some treatment planning issues. Here's the complication. My family is moving on Sept 10th back up to the Bay Area of CA, which is where I want to be anyway. Treatment, however, is down in Southern CA. What do I do? Go residential and then PHP / IOP down here and, when all is said and done, move back up to northern CA with my parents and find a job, etc.? Or do I stay down here doing PHP / IOP and, when I'm done with that, move back up to the Bay Area with my parents? Or do I do PHP / IOP until Sept 10th and then just leave against medical advice and move with my parents? Staff has their opinion. My parents have their opinion. Jane is such a "Grey thinker" that I have no idea what her opinion is. I have no idea what Tracy's opinion is either b/c I haven't spoken to her.

• I should listen to what my heart says. In session, I tried to listen to my heart and I came up with: "I know that the eating disorder continually gets in the way of my life. It gets in the way of my social life, of my relationships, of my job. I know it's holding me back from living the best way I could. I know I would benefit if I continued treatment in whatever form so that I could get food into a habit and not rush into life." Is that my true heart speaking? Or did my heart only say that b/c I was in the room with my therapist and that's what she wanted to hear?

• I am still benefiting from all that I learned a/b my brain from the psychiatrist on Tuesday! I'ts so helpful to know! It explains so much!

• I had the world's worst conversation EVER wtih my parents tonight a/b the whole treatment planning. I tried to be honest, communicative, mature, a good listener, etc. And, for the most part, I really was. ACtually, I think I was totally being maturely communicative. But, it just resulted in me having a fit. It took place over dinner and then continued into the parking lot of a restaurant. It's clear that this is what my parents want to happen: They want me to move back up to the bay area when they go, live with them, and have me live in a house where it's "the same" as a residential program... meaning there would be rules regarding meals: like i have to eat every single meal with them. The problem with this is: 1) my parents wouldn't know if i was restricting; 2) my parents say that i couldn't go out to eat with friends (I protested this and they asked why i was willing to give that up if i went to residential but not if i lived with them); 3) it wouldn't actually last. I cannot imagine my parents actually consistently monitoring my meals. I'd do well for 3 days and they'd trust me and the whole thing would fall to shit. But, anyway, as I was trying to just talk with them (I wasn't even making the case for residential. I am very much conflicted on this issue). They said:

"You can't find a job then because you have to go into treatment for months and months? Well too damn bad." (May I please remind them of the fact that I have had a job since I was 15. This is the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE SINCE I WAS 15 that i haven't had a job. CAn i remind them that they wante dme to take a break from working so hard?)

"You have ruined our whole family."

"Your sister knows how to eat. Your brother seems to know how to eat. They don't have to be taught how to eat."

"Why don't you stop thinking about yourself for once? Grow up and stop being so selfish." (May I remind them that they recently made me a sign that said "It's time for Laura. Do things for you and start putting yourself first.)

The quotations I could put here are endless....

In the end, I just screamed "STOP SAYING THESE THINGS" and walked away and cried harder than I've ever cried in my entire life for about 2 hours straight. Maybe 3. It sucked. I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER talking about the ED with them again.