Day off 17 and 18 (the weekend away)

Quick for documentation purposes (and then the real writing and response to comments will return)

Since I feel fat right now and feel bad about eating too much last night, I think it is important to focus on the successes of the weekend:

1. Completely moved out of an apartment
2. Scrubbed an apartment clean
3. Attended a wedding
4. Kept a positive, friendly, grateful attitude the whole time
5. Kept a sense of humor the whole time
6. Didn't forget to thank my dad and brother for helping me
7. Even though I was busy, I was hyperaware and mindful of my thoughts and, every time they were starting to get negative or self-critical or ED-ish, I pulled them right back on track and kept them healthy, accurate, and self-positive.
8. On Sat, I ate 100% of my meal plan + responded to extra hunger by eating a larger dinner
9. On Sat, I did not count calories
10. On Sat, I tried a new food at dinner: a blue cheese hamburger with fries and I ate about 80% of everything on my plate.
11. After the hamburger, I could easily have shut down and withdrawn due to the food, but I remembered that I have the power to choose how to spend my mental time, and I chose to spend it in a more enjoyable way. And, afterwards, it was confirmed that I was successful in not shutting down too much because, my friend, who had met us for dinner, said to me that night, "It's so nice to see you eat without withdrawing afterwards. It's like, you can eat, and, after we eat, my friend is still here to talk to! you haven't gone off into your own world." (I was thinking "Actually, i've been spending the last 30 min combatting thoughts in my head, but I'm glad i was good at covering that up haha)
12. On Sunday, I didn't go long periods of time without eating.
13. On Sunday, I didn't count calories.
14. On Sunday, I responded to extra hunger by eating extra snacks (we're talking 3 meals and 6 snacks)
15. When the extra hunger scared me, instead of beating myself up for being hungry, I understood its cause (I realized, after the fact, that my meals were light + I was carrying boxes up and down stairs for a couple of hours, scrubbing an apartment clean, I walked 3 miles to a breakfast joint, and I spent about 3 hours walking around a shopping strip at night)

And the short comings and the lessons:

1. Sunday, my meals were skimpy. I didn't fully realize this in the moment, but they were. Why were they skimpy? Because I was eating by my head and not by my body. Also, because I was eating with the past (the hamburger and fries + an extra morning snack) in mind instead of staying in the present.

2. Sunday, I ate in a less conscious, less planned, too grazy way when I arrived home. Why? I was STARVING - I felt shaky and weak. Why did I graze instead of eating something more real? Because I wasn't feeling "allowed" to eat, and I didn't know what to do with this extra hunger. I had already eaten my evening snack, and I thought, "What do I do about this?" So... it's GOOD that I ate (responding to hunger shows I'm on the right track), but it would have been better if I had eaten in a different way. I just picked at things. First, I put some totilla chips and started to eat while holding them. Then, it's GOOD I remembered to put them on a plate. I got a plate, and a spoonful of hummus, sat down and ate them. I tried to go to sleep, but I was just so hungry. I found myself saying, "Just breathe through the hunger." That's what I used to say to myself, and I caught myself saying that. It's GOOD that I caught myself saying that, and it's GOOD that I then went to eat more. But it would have been better if I had eaten more in a different way. I put strawberries in a bowl and ate a couple of them, but I didn't want strawberries. It's GOOD I changed my food so it reflected what I really wanted. I took a snack out of my purse and ate PB filled pretzels. It's GOOD they were portioned out. It would have been better if I ate them more mindfully and with less guilt. I was still hungry, but I didn't acknowledge it consciously. It would have been better if I had said to myself "Ok, I need more." or if I had said, "Let's wait 20 min and if I still need more, I will et more." Instead, I just ate a cookie from the farmer's market without sitting down. It would have been better if I had sat down and felt allowed to eat it. Then, I wasn't still hungry, but I ate a luna bar and a mini-bagel. It would have been better if I had acknowledged that I was feeling anxious and guilty form eating the cookie and just breathed and then gone to bed. But I ate a luna bar and the mini bagel. And then I went to bed.

I actually feel better having written that out, because I realize I actually did pretty well at the beginning - catching myself eating without a plate, catching myself eating something that wasn't waht Iw as craving. And hten I see where it went awry. The cookie. It was too much. It caused guilt. Which led to the luna bar and mini bagel.

What would have been better? What should I have done next time? It would have been better if I had said, when I landed at the airport and was feeling so hungry that I felt weak and shaky, "Hm, I'm very hungry. I'm going to eat a sandwich and a banana." The ONLY reason I didn't was because my mind was calling the shots. I was operating by rules. I was operating by "but I already ate 3 meals." and "but I already ate my evening snack." If I had let my body call the shots, this would have had a simple solution.

I should also remember that that when I get too hungry at night and am not in a pure-restriction place (which I'm not right now), then I risk getting grazy at night. If I feel hungry at night, I need to not try to wish it wasn't there. I need to hear that hunger, listen to it, and feed it with something that would satisfy it. Last night, for example, it would have honestly been better to have a sandwich and a piece of fruit than to have grazy snacks.

And What about today?

1. I know my mind will tend to past trip to last night. I must catch it doing this and bring it back to the present.
2. I know my mind will tend to beat me up for eating the way I did last night. I must catch it doing this and remind myself of all the successes above.

So, yes, I ate more and differently than I would have like to upon arriving home. Would I have rather gone away for 2 days, completely ignored hunger, and come back sucked into restriction? (that is my usual pattern for what happens when I travel). The answer is no. The fact that I struggled with eating more simply shows that I'm headed in the right direction I think.

So I guess my biggest challenge is keeping up with hunger. I can follow my meal plan when I'm living as I am now - pretty sedentrary. But when I add activity (like over the weekend) or exercise or whatever back into my life, I need to honor the hunger when I feel it and not let it throw me for a loop just because it violates my mind's rules - which are irrelevant.