Day 75

• I was so hungry when I woke up. I wanted to eat, but chose not to because I would have program breakfast in 2 hours anyway. I don't think I could walk into the program and say, "I promise I already ate an appropriate breakfast so don't worry about feeding me this morning." Yeah, that wouldn't go over so well.

• You know what? My biggest fear/source of discomfort for going back up to PHP was that I'd have to eat here on Saturdays again. When I was in PHP the first time, I never once in the whole 2 months got anywhere close to comfortable with the food on Saturdays. It just seemed like so much. I felt so out of control, so anxious. So I was dreading having to do Saturdays again. You know what though? This Saturday wasn't so bad. I can handle the food pretty easily this Saturday. I guess I am making progress. For breakfast we had a bagel with cream cheese + a banana + a glass of soy milk. That doesn't seem "huge" and "like a giant breakfast buffet." That's how it used to seem to me. But now, I can see how that's pretty reasonable. We have 2 groups (read: we sit down the whole time) and then lunch, which was a turkey sandwich with cheese and mayo + an apple + a chocolate chip cookie. Again, not a light lunch, but I can see how this is reasonable. I didn't have any of the anxiety arise. Basically, I wasn't white knuckling my way through the Saturday. It was manageable :)

• That's kind of the truth all around for PHP the 2nd time. The first time around, I was basically white knuckling it the whole time in PHP. It got more manageable, but it required a lot of calming, rational self-talk to not freak out every day. This time around, I am a lot less scared, I dread a lot less of the food, and I don't feel like I'm white knuckling it.

• During lunch, though, I did want to stop eating with about 20% of my sandwich left and 30% of my cookie left... not because of anxiety (although maybe there was anxiety because, it was at this time that I started counting and recounting calories and that's usually an indicator of anxiety) but because I suddenly just felt like I didn't want anymore food. It was at that point that I noticed myself future tripping (questioning if I'd have the afternoon snack/dinner/evening snack). Ok, future tripping + cal counting = anxiety. I must have been anxious without recognizing it. Anyway, I am not allowed to just not finish the meal, so of course I ate it all. But to deal with the calorie counting and to stop counting, I just reminded myself that eating is a body activity and calorie counting is a mind activity and is, therefore, irrelevant. Also, afterwards, I checked in with myself to find out if I'm okay or not. Because I know - somewhere inside of me, I know. I'm learning that. I'm learning that I know if I'm okay or not. I don't have to count calories to decide if the meal was okay or not. I don't have to analyze the situation to decide if it's okay or not. I can just feel and find out. I can consult my inner guide. I can just feel for my heart and hear. So, after lunch, I stopped analyzing... because I put my energy towards my inner-self, towards my heart, towards my body, and I knew that I was okay. I knew the food wasn't too much. I knew everything was fine. I was still safe. Nothing is off-kilter. My body wasn't rejecting the food. My soul was still intact. No thoughts were relevant. My guide for eating is not found in my brain. It's found in my heart (um, and in my meal plan lol)... in what I know is right.

• What I've realized is that there's something to be said for connecting with the inner guide part of you, the soul part of you. I think this is what will make recovery lasting. I really think that anyone could eat 100% normally and exercise 100% normally and not have ruminating food/body/exercise thoughts and have good relationships and be in a career of their choice and.... if they did all that.... well, dang, they'd appear pretty freakin' recovered. But you know what? I really believe that if a person hasn't gotten in touch with their center... if a person can't go inside themselves to look for guidance... if a person is still relying on external things to calm them down (achievements, activities, numbers, routines) then I don't think they are actually recovered. I think they are still vulnerable for regressions and relapses. This is one of the main reasons I have given my scale up.

(I have come to think this thing about listening to your inner guide from the group Body and Soul, from the therapist who leads that group, and from the other staff in general... as well as from the book Eating in the Light of the Moon, which was an assignment for me to read).

• On this same note, here is a quote from Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnston. "A labyrinth is an ancient and mysterious archetype. It consists of one pathway that loops back repeatedly upon itself, reaches the center and then winds its way back out again. Unlike a maze there are no barriers, false turns, or dead ends. In many ancient religious traditions, the labyrinth was a powerful symbol of the journey of life, death, and rebirth. It was used as a meditation tool whose path would lead to one's own center and then back out into the world. The women on the road to recovery from disordered eating began with a journey that required them to follow a twisting, turning, winding path to their centers. It required them to leave behind old perceptions of themselves that they had adopted from others and to reclaim their own inner authorities. They had to listen to the voice from within to give them guidance and support as they searched for their true thoughts, feelings, and desires. They found themselves letting go of all expectation of linear progress, disengaging the rational mind, and embracing the power of their emotions and intuition... As they walked this labyrinth, there were times when they felt trapped, lost, bored, disoriented, frustrated, or anxious, but they kept on going, placing one foot in front of the other. Finding their centers, the essence of who they are as women, was not the end of the journey. They then had to exit the labyrinth, integrating this new vision with a new way of being in the world."

• So, this group that we have: Body and Soul... I'm starting to realize that Body and Soul is basically how we recover. We recover our Bodies and our Souls. In recovering our bodies, we restore physical health and we learn to trust our bodies and our metabolisms and our digestion, etc. Up until this week, this was the only level of recovery that I was aware of. This week, though, I've become aware of a deeper level of recovery, the soul level. The soul has to do with connecting your awareness to your soul self, to your center. It has to do with discovering your inner wisdom, your inner guide. It has to do with being able to feel inside of you (not think inside of you) and listen... listen to what your soul self tells you. It will tell you if you are okay or if you need to make changes. your soul self is wise. Over the past week, I've had brief moments when I've felt that soul self... when I've felt connected to that center... and, in those moments, the head chatter becomes quiet. I think, for basically the last 3.5 years and for 95% of the time I've been in the program, I've been working on recovery my body. That's the only level of recovery taht I was aware I was doing. But, I'd say for the last 5% of the program this week, I realize that there is a level of soul recovery that happens too. This sounds fluffy, I know, but I sincerely believe everything I'm typing here.

• I went out tonight to dinner and a bar afterwards. I think I did a good job at trying to let myself have fun and respecting myself and what I wanted to do. I wasn't looking forward to the bar part of the evening, and I wasn't going to go. Everyone wanted me to come and I figured, "you know, I never go to bars. Maybe I'll have fun. I'll go for 20 min and then I can leave if I want." So I went for about 30 min and then left. I'm glad I went for a little bit though. This counts as a success for: boundaries, socializing, trying new things.

• Dinner was a difficult scenario: 12 people, 11 of whom I did not know, Italian Restaurant, FAmily Style eating with multiple courses, and we didn't eat until 10pm. As would be expected, I had thoughts about wishing I could just not eat dinner. I had lots of thoughts, but I did pretty well. I think I ate very close to enough if not enough. I was aware that I wasn't 100% in the conversation b/c some of me was listening to the ED thoughts. I looked around the table and I saw people being 100% present, eating without thinking... and I thought to myself: "This is what I will recover too. so that, I, too, can eat freely like they are eating." So, the 1 person I did know doesn't know about my eating disorder.... but you know what? I am like the queen of getting comments about my eating or ED or something. Seriously. Everywehre I go people comments. I'm starting to wonder if I happen to look particularly distressed while eating because, while eating, the 1 person I did know looks at me and goes, "Am I going to have to tell you to eat?" And then later goes, "Remember when you used to eat onion soup out of a tablespoon?" (ok, I seriously don't remember that at all. honestly.) and then later, "Are you going to partake in dessert like the rest of us?" I mean... geez! How do I manage to get these comments so easily. I must not be aware of what I look like when I eat, that's all I can think of....

• Food today was:

Breakfast at program: whole wheat bagel, cream cheese, banana, vanilla soy milk

Lunch at program: turkey sandwich with cheese and mayo + chocolate chip cookie + apple

Snack: Fruit and Nut Kind Bar

Dinner: 1 stuffed mushroom, 1 serving spoonful size of cesar salad, 1/2 breast of chicken parmasan, 1 bite of chocolate cake