day 72

• yesterday I had this fantastic psychiatrist appointment. You get one appt with him per week when you're in PHP. I absolutely adore this guy. I trust him with my life! He has helped explain my brain to me. I told him about my constant confusion about myself and about how I'm doing in regards to the eating disorder. I read him some things I've written here on this blog to give him a better picture. Beyond just what I shared with him yesterday, he did have a weekly session with me for 2 months. Anyway, he basically told me that my brain produces thoughts at an extremely rapid rate. I actually was tested for this once when I was a kid and reset the 100 percentile mark for the rate at which I produce ideas. This has nothing to do with quality of ideas or intelligence. He told me that, often times, I think and I'm thinking so fast that I lose control of the thoughts and lose perspective on myself. I slip in and out of perspective, in and out of denial, in and out of understanding because my thoughts just go and go and go in a circular fashion. This is different than "racing thoughts." This is a style of thinking that is almost too thorough. It's like you think one thing to death. And then you realize you could take a different angle. So you think it to death again using a different angle. But you're aware of all possible angles. So you think the thing to death from every possible angle. And then, once you've thought the thing to death from every possible angle, you start to wonder if there's another angle that you hadn't thought of... So you end up in circles, constantly proving and disproving the same conclusion. This describes my thought process to a "T." He called it Circular Thinking and Thinking About Thinking, but he told me the clinical term for it is Pathological Doubt, which is a big characteristic of OCD. As he described this to me, I felt understood for the first time. He had totally captured my brain. This is the reason that, when I was a teacher, I'd make 20 or occasionally even 30 page long lesson plans and then, as soon as I was done, I'd rewrite the whole thing to improve it even more. And then I'd come up with another idea as to how to improve it, and I'd rewrite it again. And I'd be rewriting and rewriting and rewriting, planning planning planning that I had no time for anything else besdies work in my life. It's the same reason that when I count calories, I recount and recount and recount and recount and recount and recount and recount - just in case I did the math wrong. This brain of mine... this way of thinking I have.... it is the reason that teachers told me I was a thorough and intelligent... it was the reason that other teachers told me I should not participate in class because I confuse everyone. It's the reason that people tell me my brain tires them out. Anyway, he told me that my brain works so fast that it requires a ton of skill for me to "hear" all of my thoughts. And if my thoughts aren't going to control me, I need to be able to "hear" them and know they're there. When they get going so fast, I miss the thoughts and lose perspective on my own self. I am able to maintain awareness of all my thoughts and even STOP the circular thinking from going around and around when I'm in totally calm, serene environments (like being in php without looking for a job without doing anything but eating and writing). But, the second I multitask (think about other things besides just ED recovery), I lose my ability to stop my circular thinking because the thoughts are just going so fast. The psychiatrist compared it to a car: when tires are spinning so quickly, the car loses traction and the car goes nowhere. He told me that, in my brain, the accelerator button is permanently stuck down. Medicine, however, would give me the option to have a break pedal. So, you know, I am usually so hesitant with medicine. But, this psychiatrist just "got me" so well, and he's not quick to prescribe meds. In fact, he said, "Some people come in here and tell me they need to double their dose, and I think, no you need to fucking work your program. But, for you, this is not a work ethic problem or an attitude problem." So, the fact that he understood my brian so well and recommended meds and told me exactly what the meds would be for, I was way more willing to take them. I asked him "Well, I've gotten good at stopping my pathalogical doubt and circular thinking adn slowing down my thoughts when i'm completely relaxed. Shouldn't i just learn to do this while I am multitasking in life too?" And he said, "The possibility that you'd be able to do that anytime forseeable future is so remote given how fast your brain thinks. If there is a bell curve that describes brain speed, you are at the extreme end of the fast thinkers, circular thinkers, pathological doubters." So, I trust him. I really do trust him with my life. So, I'm taking the meds. I filled my prescription today and I took the first pill today.

• Yesterday morning, I was in the shower, worrying about breakfast. I was afraid to eat it. I wondered about skimping it. Then I realized a) If I don't want to have an eating disorder, I cannot do eating disordered things. Skipping/Skimping breakfast is an eating disordered thing. Therefore, it's a non-option. b) My job is to answer the question "How can I challenge my ED today?" and then do it. Eating 100% of the breakfast would challenge my ED. c) I was future tripping. If I stay in the present, eating breakfast is manageable. Then I thought, but I'm full! Then I thought, "Well, it's impossible to be full. I ate 10 hours ago. Maybe fullness is anxiety or maybe my psyche is tricking me that I'm full." So breathed, ate, and enjoyed breakfast.

• While making breakfast yesteday, I started to calorie count the milk in my coffee. When I was asked to make a list of yellow flags, red flags, counting the milk in my coffee was one of my yellow flags. Just knowing that it was one of my yellow flags made me stop counting. Listing yellow/red flags is powerful and effective then.

• I had a conversation with my parents yesterday morning about going back to PHP. They wanted details. They wanted to know why. We talked a little bit. The conversation made me cry because they felt hurt that I was hiding the little slips that were happening. It wasn't that I was hiding it, it was just that I get so confused myself and minimize everything in my head that it's hard for me to talk about my situation to my parents.

• Today, I have not yet told them about the staff's recommendation to go residential. I'm going to let it sink in first. I'm going to try to think more clearly about the prospect myself first. I am going to talk to Jane again (I spoke with her today and she wants to speak to me again tomorrow). I am going to talk with my program therapist again on Friday. I won't delay too long, but I need to gather myself a bit first. And, I don't even know if insurance would pay. It is very likely that insurance would not pay. If that turns out to be the case, I don't want to tell them. Oh, something i left out of yesterday's info. IDeally, they'd want me to go to residential immediately - but a bed at the residential place that feeds into this PHP place isn't available until 2 weeks. So they want me to go in 2 weeks and then come to here for php again and live in the program's apartment. That would all be contingent on insurance and I have this feeling that insurance is not oging to be happy a/b this. I dont' think all of this is needed - but it's not even an option w/o insurance. Insurance has already paid for 3.5 months of treatment for me. I just ahve this feeling they're a/b to drop me any day now... so, i have a feeling i won't be going residential (and that'll be okay) but we'll see....

• Most of the morning yesterday, I was worrying a/b the fact that I ate breakfast. I was worrying about if I would be hungry for lunch or not. Then I remembered one time when I had eaten a pancake for breakfast about a month ago and then I kept worrying about being hungry for lunch or not. But, at that time, I kept telling myself "it's okay, lunch is 4 hours away," and I'd also pull myself back to the present. And it turned out great. I was hungry for lunch and I had an amazing lunch with a farmer's market cookie. I thought about how well that worked out for me and told myself that this morning could be just like that morning. GO BACK TO THE EVIDENCE!

• Yesterday morning, as I was driving to program, I had this general feeling of confusion, of frustration with myself, feeling like i want to scream "what am i doing wrong?!?!?!" to everyone - but, other times i've had that feeling, it's just been b/c ppl were pushing me in the right direction.

• Yesterday, I also started worrying a/b lunch, cal counting it, but just kept telling myself "I accept all calorie #s" and "just stay in the present."

• after breakfast yesterday, i started worrying i was too full for lunch. i had to keep telling myself "lunch is in 4 hrs. you shouldn't be hungry for lunch yet. it's ok that you're not hungry for lunch. just stay in the present." I also thought back to a time that i had a pancake for breakfast and had the same things, worrying a/b being hungry for lunch. and then i remember eating lunch - and how free i felt - and i remember that i got throught hat moment. so i can get through this one too

• Yesterday I ate 100%. Today, I will have eaten 100% as soon as I eat my evening snack (which, at the moment, I do not want to eat, but I'm not thinking about that because that's in the future and the future snack is none of my business right now). Being with program friends outside of the program has made the eating more doable. Actually, it hasn't seemed that hard. PRobably because, since being back in PHP, I'm in such a state or relaxation. For whatever reason, being here, I feel so contained and "allowed" to just relax and sink into myself. Why do i feel that in php but I lose it when I start multitasking in my life?

• When you're in the mindset of "have to eat - doesn't matter if you want it - doesn't matter if you're hungry for it" it's a lot easier to eat. Like, last night, my program friend slept over. Being with her made everything so much easier. I had thoughts about "should I eat evening snack or not?" and "i'm not hungry for breakfast and i don't want it." But, because of her, I knew I had to eat it. So I just kind of stopped the questioning because, her presence made it more obvious that not eating it would definitely be wrong.

• This morning, I parked my car near the program and was going to walk to fill my prescription. This would have resulted in a round trip walk of about 1.5 - 2 hrs. I REALLY wanted to even though i kind of knew it was ilegal. But I saw my friend from the program outside of program. And I couldn't do that with her knowing I was going to do that. And I couldn't ask her to come along with me. She totally caught me though and she was like "how about I come with you and we drive?" So... part of me was annoyed b/c i wanted to walk! But I said okay and I drove with her and spent the morning with her. As I was with her, I thought "I'm having a lot of fun right now. In this moment, I have chosen a relationship over an eating disorder."

• In Body and Soul group today, I mentioned that, for whatever reason, I was feeling - like, feeling in my body - confused and scared "but I don't know why." And then I started saying things that came from my brain and not from my body, from my heart. The therapist was like "Wait. AT the beginning, you were just speaking from emotion. You said you felt confused and scared but you don't know why. But you do know why. You have a very specific thing to feel confused and scared about. Does anyone want to remind Laura of what she's scared about?" (Possibility of going to residential). The therapist was telling me (and I agree) that I have the wisdom in me. I do feel things. But then I think about what I'm feeling and all my energy gets caught up in my brain. So, I need to work on identifying what I am just feeling - what I feel before the thoughts. What I feel underneath the thoughts.

• As I wrote that last little bit, about the possibility of going to residential, I notice my chest just squeezing in on itself. I guess it makes me anxious. Here's the thing that I've decided: I can go back and forth and back and forth on should/shouldn't go. But, in the end, I don't even know if insurance would cover it or not. So, I'm going to stop thinking about it until I know what insurance would do.

• In PHP I sure am a lot more "sturdy" and "not empty" all day compared to in IOP. I don't think I'm eating a ton more food, it's just more squished together. I just notice that, my hunger and fullness are a lot more... kept in the "mid range" on the hugner fullness scale in php (it hovers between 4 and 7, 4 and 7). When I was in IOP, my hunger fullness was more going back and forth between (2/3 and 5, 2/3 and 5).

• In Body and Soul we had to go outside and find 4 objects from nature. One to represent us before the ED. One to represent us in the worst times of our ED. One to respresent us now. And one to represent us fully recovered. Here's what I picked

Before ED: A bright piece of grass. I picked it because it was sitting in the grass and stood out. It looked really vibrant and strong and like it was totally okay. I reached down to pluck it and realized that it wasn't actually sitting in the ground. So, it had no roots. It was just standing up straight b/c of its surroundings but it was really, truly unstable - even though no one could see that it was unstable.

Worst of the ED: A candy wrapper. I found a candy wrapper in the garden. To me, that represents my ED. Whether I'm referring to the most ED phases of my life or just when I'm having an ED moment... it's like I'm doing something that makes no sense. Like a candy wrapper in the garden. It's like it thinks it is nature but it's not. In theED, nothing makes sense, you think what you're doing seems reasonable but, really, nothing belongs. You are a candy wrapper in a garden thinking that you're a flower. only later do you discover you were not a flower. you were a candy wrapper.

Now: I picked a leaf that was half red, half green. This just represented how I felt in the very moment. If you look at the leaf one way, it's green. The other way and it's red. So "what is the truth? Is it a red leaf or a green leaf?"

Future me: I picked some dirt. The dirt is so strong. you can put a paper on it, a plant on it, or a house on it, and it can handle it all. It's so stable. Also, it's not supposed to look like anything, it's just dirt. And it's not just close to the ground... it's not just in the ground... the dirt is the ground. I liked the idea of the future me being in the ground.