Day off 19 - morning hurdle

You know what is a problem? I woke up today wanting to restrict. I woke up wanting to just feel hungry. I have this attitude of "whatever, I don't care, I suck, so let's just go hungry." And I wonder why I have this feeling. Is it because I woke up pretty hungry today - and, for me, lots of time feeling hungry makes me want to continue to feel that way? Is it because yesterday I restricted - which makes it seem like a good idea to just keep doing that? Is it because the idea that if insurance covered PHP for a week, I'd have to go back to it and that made me feel like "screw it, I fail" and made me feel down on myself so I just kind of.. went with that feeling and wanted to restrict?

There is a huge part of me that just wants to not think through this and just.... do it... just, turn one eye from myself and just....cut back and just.... be hungry. (WHY?! WHY?! Why must I be tempted? What the heck, Laura?!) But there's another part of me that knows I don't *really* want this. I have an awareness that the ED is just strong in this moment, and, later I'll regret listening to it.

o when I don't want the things that come with restriction.... then why did I still want to just..... slip away into hunger for the day? Why? What is the logic? No, seriously. You know what? I seriously think there is no logic - I just truly think that once I've restricted for a short time (yesterday), something happens in my brain where I just... stop thinking and want to keep doing self-destructive things.....

Hm, writing that out just made me realize that that's true. That's why it's so important I eat regularly - so that I don't get lured in.

I have come too far to go backwards.

I don't *really* want to go back to moments I wrote about in My Worst Eating Disordered Day. I don't *really* want to feel sad. (Isn't that weird. I used to think restriction gave me some sort of high, almost an energy boost. Now I think about it and it is sad. I think of it as sapping my energy and being kind of.... well, down). I don't *really* want to be sapped of my personality.

I just want this temptation to go away.

Ah! Realization!

So I have to accept that I'm in a place where I still feel tempted sometimes.

I will stop fighting this.

I will acknowledge - I'm tempted. I am tempted by the ED right now.

Ok, that feels better, to just acknowledge it and not be bitter about it.

I will stop wondering why I'm tempted.

I will just assume I'm tempted because I still have an eating disorder, and when you have an ED, you get tempted to do things - like restrict your food.

So, I will not wonder why i'm tempted (even though I do wonder), I will just accept.

But I want these temptations to go away.

You know how they go away?

By time after time after time after time of NOT GIVING INTO THEM.

That is how they will go away.

It's supposed to be hard.

It just seems like I should be at a place already where I gung-ho follow the meal plan.

I am not there yet, 100% of the time.

But I do know I don't want to go backwards.

I do know I don't want to get pulled out of life as I think about food, #s, etc.

I do know that in order to achieve my long-term goals, I have to not have an ED.

I do know that the only way to not have an ED is to not act on the ED temptations.

And so... to make the temptations go away.

I will acknowledge they are here.

And I will not act on them.

And instead of changing the index card out of convenience, I will eat for bfast exactly what it says (right? I will, right?... I have to because I wrote it here).

WTF though - why does it randomly get tempting to go back to the ED.

I should do an ED-Healthy Self dialogue:

I don't feel like doing that... I'll make a pros and cons list.

Pros of Restricting today: I don't know.... I can't think of any

Cons of restricting today: I'll get hungry which will make me grumpy which will ruin my yoga class and will ruin 2 memories that I plan on making today with people....

Dude! I know why I want to eat!!

B/C I want energy for yoga!!!

WEE ok that feels better.

Also...............

I am going out to lunch with a friend and dinner with my family/neighbor, and, during those times, I want to be present and laughing. I don't want to be tip-toeing around food!

I have a choice of the type of memory I can create today.

I would like to create a good one.

And, for the record, as I wrote that, the ED part of me says "No, just slip into restriction."

But I really think I need to take this hyped up energy to have good memories and capitalize on it. I'm just not even going to hear the ED part of me.

I accept that this is a challenge today.

I accept that I'm in a place where, sometimes, eating is still a challenge.

I accept that that's where I am.

I will make myself proud by eating bfast.

(k, off to eat bfast)