Day 70

I sit here writing this, post program, 9pm. And I am in such a confused state. Do I have an eating disorder? Is my eating disorder really "Raging," like the staff told me today? Am I really incapable of working and doing recovery? Is the staff tricking me into thinking I'm worse than I am? Am I tricking them into thinking I'm doing worse than I am? What do I do? What should I do? What is right? What is up? What is down? OMG. So... with that being my thought process... here are some bullet point:

• Today was my first day back in PHP. I'll be here for a week to get my food back on track.

• Everyone - staff, Tracy - seems to not support the fact that I applied for a job yesterday. They are all throwing their hands in the air. "What?!?! You did what?!?! Why?!! You need to get your food back under control. You need to focus only on your food right now!"

• I'm sorry for this. I just need to write how I'm honestly feeling right now: I'm feeling something and I can't articulate what I'm feeling. I'm feeling frustrated that people are telling me I can't move on and handle food and life. I'm feeling confused about the state of my eating disorder - how bad is it really? I'm feeling down about disappointing others; I fear I'm a constant disappointment to staff, to tracy... I'm feeling like I'll ALWAYS be seen as a person with an eating disorder. I sometimes wonder if, one day, I really won't have an eating disorder, but everyone (I'm mainly thinking staff and tracy) will still assume I do so they'll look for ways to make a case for me having an eating disorder even when I don't have one. I'm feeling annoyed that my sister is playing music. I'm feeling so tired I could fall asleep. I'm feeling like my head is going to compress in on itself I have such a bad head ache. I'm feeling like I want to run - or maybe I want to sleep - or maybe I want to throw all my food in the garbage. I'm feeling like I really just want to talk to someone. I'm feeling like I want to be doing 100% well with food. I'm feeling like I am. And then I'm finding evidence that shows me I'm not. But then I can think of moments when I am doing well (Saturday was good...). I'm wondering if it's true that I'm so off track like the staff says or not. Am I mad now because they're telling me the truth and I don't like to hear it? Am I mad now because I can't figure out how I'm doing - well or poorly or struggling or not? I wish I could create a sentence that accurately describes how I'm doing. Let me try: In moments of higher anxiety, which is caused by focusing on other things in life besides just ED recovery, my ED voice comes in strong and, occasionally, my healthy voice doesn't even have a fighting chance. In those situations, the ED has been winning before I even have a chance to notice. Other times, I am not as taken in by the ED, but I do have strong urges to restrict. I have been getting through those times usually (sometimes I still restrict but just less so) with effort and with reaching out. I do have a committment to eating my food though, even though it's hard. I do understand I'll be uncomfortable and I'm willing to be uncomfortable as I go through treatment. Basically, this is what happens in my mind: I want to be the one who is doing well, who people aren't worrying about. But then I open my trunk tonight and am reminded that, in there, are 3 hidden sandwiches (sandwiches that I told people I'd eat but never did). But then I think back to last night, when I froze up and tried to eat the lentil soup with a fork and even then only finished about 20% of it. And then I think about the fact that I didn't eat breakfast today. Or I think about the fact that I deconstructed my subway sandwich yesterday by throwing away the cheese, etc. and then eating it. Or the fact that, on Friday, I ordered a salad but got scared of the dried fruit, cheese, and candied pecans and tip-toed around them. Or the fact that, on Friday evening, I'm not sure I would have eaten my evening snack w/o being pushed. So... I think of all those things and get confused. I think, "Wait, I thought I was doing well. But this all sounds quite eating disordered... maybe I am more off track than I'm admitting to myself." But then I counter that. I think "No, but Saturday was totally on track. And that salad on Friday night... maybe it doesn't count as restricting... and Thursday was all on track. And I feel like I've been remembering the importance of eating my meal plan and, in general, I've been doing well and reaching out - except for yesterday." I know recovery is not a linear line, but I feel like my recovery should be. And I feel like I'm on the end part of recovery. I feel like I'm just tying up lose ends. But no one else seems to agree with me on that. I just go in and out of denial; I can make cases that support any conclusion I want to come to. What about the fact that I'm generally pretty happy? What about the fact that my weight is fine? Does that mean there's no problem? I am so confused. And, the hardest question I end up with is: Am I doing the work? If it's true that I'm off track, does this mean I'm not doing the work? Does this mean I'm not trying? Does this mean I'm one of those people who just goes into treatment and doesn't take it seriously? What should I be doing differently?

• Within the first hour of being back in PHP, I found myself really comforted and glad to be there. I found myself really relaxed. I felt very..... just.... safe. Very safe. Yes. I noticed that I felt like I was unwinding and sinking back into myself. I felt relaxed, less high strung, less anxious. I hadn't even noticed that, out and about in the real world, I just feel more tense. In program, I feel not tense, more relaxed, and just very... safe.

• Here's an observation: In program, I eat when it's time to eat. They call lunch, I eat lunch. They call snack, I eat snack. I don't sit there and think, "am I hungry enough for it? Is it time for it? Should I eat it?" When I'm IOP and there's more eating on my own, I don't just say "oh, it's 3:15. I'll eat a snack." When I'm IOP, even though I know I still have to eat it, I wonder and wonder and wonder about if I'm hungry enough for it, if I should eat it. Maybe I should make things easier on myself and just recognize that I have to eat it one way or the other, so just eat it and don't overanalyze my hunger/fullness so much.

• I do need to focus on my food. I feel like I can also focus on a couple other things at the same time. Everyone keeps shaking me: "This is your only job right now! Please stop applying to jobs! You don't have to!" I focus on other things because I feel like I should be focusing on other things right now and also because I also want to focus on moving forward. I'm disappointing myself with the fact that people tell me I can't handle focusing on anything else. Here's the thing: I understand and have FULL BUY IN that I need to prioritize my food. I TOTALLY HAVE BUY IN to this. I DO NOT WANT my food to get off track. I want to prioritize my food AND be able to do other things in my life besides just totally relax too. Here's the danger: When I've done that, my food has gotten off track in the way that I don't even realize it's off track until after it got off track. It gets off track in the way that I am bad at stopping myself in the moment. I need to maintain the power to stop myself from acting out in my Ed in the moment. The question is: Can I do that AND do things that give me anxiety/stress? Am I capable of that balance?

• I am starting to feel calmer now. I was just worked up from a session with my program therapist where she pushed my Confusion Button by telling me I have a "Raging" eating disorder and I need to get my shit together.

• In Food and Feelings group, we went around and "checked in." We went in order around the circle; I was about half way through the order. Everyone spoke about how they did with their food/exercise/etc. over the weekend. Everyone seemed to speak honestly a/b successes and struggles. Everyone spoke for a while. When it was my turn I said, "I'm fine. I have nothing to share." And the therapist said, "you're perfectly fine?" And I said, "Yeah." And then we moved onto the next person. Shortly after that, I felt.... just... bad inside.... like I had just lied by saying I was fine. As I listened to other people speak, I realized "Wow, so, compared to these other people and what they're saying, I'm actually not at all fine then. I'm not nearly as recovered as I thought." I guess I do just minimize a lot. I just realized that "wow, I'm all cocky and thinking I'm basically fine, but I hear other people talk and realize that I mess up and struggle more than a LOT of them. I realize that, oh, I guess I'm not just fine." It's weird b/c it doesn't even occur to me to share some of the weekend struggles. It's not like I'm purposely hiding stuff. It just didn't occur to me that those weekend struggles even counted as struggles. I mean, Idk, I'm still alive, I'm still here, I'm still in a good mood. Jane always tells me that I have high distress tolerance. She says that's good but it's also bad b/c it allows me to minimize the ED a lot. Anyway, suddenly I felt like a fraud. I felt like I was giving off this image of being perfectly fine when, in fact, I wasn't as recovered as I had thought. But, I guess it was good to sit there and realize that people who seem like they're doing worse than me (just b/c the amount of time they spend announcing they're struggling and just b/c of the fact that they got here after me) are actually doing better than me in a lot of ways. It's a humbling piece of knowledge that I tend to forget.

• I am trying to speak up in group lately. So, today, I just forced myself to say I had something to share. It's like I just had this little whisper in the back of my head, nudging me: "Share, do it, speak, take time." So I pushed myself and said I would share. I prefaced it by saying that I'm not sure why I'm sharing, I'm not sure what the topic is that I'm even trying to share about. I said that I felt like a fraud - I felt inauthentic in food and feelings. I said that I always say I'm fine and I come across like I'm perfectly fine, and it's not that Im lying or hiding or deceiving... but it's that I literally feel like I am. I trick myself into thinking I am fine. But, when I look at actions, I realize that I am not as fine as I feel. When I take my emotions out of it and just look at actions, I'm not always as fine as I appear. So, I said this to the group. I said that I'm going to do my best to honestly evaluate myself based off of actions only and try to be more honest in my check ins. I also said that, one of the reasons I have a hard time being honest is because I feel like no one will believe me because of my weight. This was embarrassing to say, but Tracy told me to say it: I feel like no one will believe me that my main struggle is restricting because my weight. And I feel like no one will believe me when I say I'm not bingeing all day long because of my weight. I really feel that way. The other clients said "you even think we wont' believe you even when you know we have eating disorders?" And my answer was "yeah, even you all." And it's even how I feel with the program RD. I feel like she must feel like I'm lying. She must feel like I'm bingeing and not recording it in my food journal. She must think that I'm making up the times I restrict. I feel so scared to not be believed that it keeps me from being totally vulnerable in group and it keeps me from reaching out for support to people - except for with a couple of people in my life who I know believe me. I feel like this will be a big hurdle to get around b/c it keeps me from letting others help. My therapist told me that that was a big eating disordered statement and it just goes to show how strong my ED is. She said that she doesn't think i am secretly bingeing all day. She said i have so many distortions around this it's not even funny. She said the way I view myself is off. IDK but I do feel this way. I've never said this out loud to anyone until I said it to Tracy today (and she told me to tell the group that - so I did).

• Today, when I was eating, I appreciated being back in the program setting for more meals/snacks. I love the inspiring placemats, the blessings, the peace, the time to focus on tasting my food. It soooo brings the enjoyment back into eating.

Food today was:

B - skipped

L @ program - whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and lox + coleslaw + a mini almond croissant

S @ program - 2/3 cup. mint chocolate chip ice cream

D @ program - ground turkey or ground soy meat chili with sour cream and corn bread

S @ program (they made me stay to eat my snack there since they seem to worry a/b my ability to do this on my own all of the sudden) - 15 PB filled pretzels + 6 chocolate covered almonds

• I do feel very welcomed back into the full day program, which is a nice feeling. The other girls seem to appreciate having me there. They told me so, and it feels good.

• I feel so bad that people are telling me I'm off track and yet it was day 70 today. I guess the most important thing is to just eat my food, 100%, every day. I will do this. I will do what it takes.