Day off 20

• I have comments to respond to... and I will, I will... hang tight one more day... I haven't forgotten you, your comments mean a lot to me, and I will get back to you!

• So... lately, I am feeling like my heart is being hugged. I am just so overwhelmed with love. I feel so supported by people. These people have always been in my life, but, lately, I've opened myself to their support and I just... it's been an incredibly rewarding experience. I just... I feel SO SUPPORTED and SO LOVED. I've never reached out in the moment before, but it has been such a rewarding experience. It makes me feel a) cheered on, b) loved, c) it makes the work of recovery easier, d) I'm coming to conclude that if I want recovery to be as fast and as easy as possible, I'm probably going to have to decide to let other people besides professionals help me. I told this to the assistant clinical director this morning as we were riding up in the elevator and she said, in response, "Right, because, before, you were just like, 'oh no, I can write my way to sanity. I can always figure it out myself. It might take me a week to figure it out. And I'll just go on a hunger strike and starve myself for a week until I figure it out, but no worries, because I'll eventually figure it out.' And so hopefully you're learning that you can get right back on track more easily if you don't do all the work yourself. Also, recovery is tiring and people burn out from always having to do the mental work. This give you some relief so that you don't burn out from recovery."

Let me give you one example:

Last night, my friend from college gave me support.

(She DEFINITELY knows about the ED - as in, we've had scenes go down in the dorm room of her begging me to get help and me crying loudly and screaming simultaneously telling her she needs to believe me when I say there's no problem.... as in, she has called my parents on a few occasions to tell them that their daughter is not eating enough..... as in, when I finally told her I wanted help and would call Tracy she cried out of happiness... as in, for years she has wanted to help but I wouldn't let her) .

Because of Tracy's contract (where it says I have to tell someone in the moment if I'm planning on skipping or skimping), I had texted her last night, "It's normal to eat a full dinner even after having eaten cereal with walnuts for breakfast, a veggie burger with lots of avocado for lunch, and 1/3 a bagel with PB for a snack, right? Would you still be eating dinner?" Well, she didn't get that text in time for dinner, but, later on at night, right as I was about to not eat my evening snack, she texted back and this is the text convo:

Her: "Absolutely! Sounds great and VERY VERY normal! Plus, I love lots of avocado! Your body needs and likes what you ate today and it would definitely still need/want dinner."

Me: Thanks, Beth... that is nice to hear! You're up late... did you have a good night?

Her: Yes, it was relaxing. Watched one too many episodes of firefly. :) Are you having an okay night?

Me: sounds lovely :) yeah my night is really low key, but that's the kind of night I was craving. I've just been reading. I can't decide if I should eat my evening snack though. Ok, just as I wrote that to you, I had like 10 thoughts and realized 1) I promised program RD that I would not act on my rationals; 2) If I would just allow myself to enjoy it, I would like eating an evening snack right now; 3) my reasons to not eat it are not healthy reasons.... so, I'll go eat it now... thanks!

(And then, even after I wrote that, I was still not sure I'd actually eat it)

Her: Yay! Good choice. :) Oh I am so happy! Good for you! Enjoy it! Tim says hi by the way

(And as soon as I saw how happy she was that I was eating it, it made me want to eat it so I actually ate it)

Anyway, so then I woke up to this e-mail from her this morning (non ED-related parts are deleted):

Good Morning Laura!

First of all, I am so glad you texted me last night. I mean, I'm sorry I didn't get it sooner, but I am also really happy that you reached out. So thank you and please feel free to do it ANY time!!! I've been waiting for you to let me help!!

About cooking! Yes, I plan most of my meals way in advance. I make a menu for at least 4 dinners (sometimes 5 or 6) every Sunday morning and then we go grocery shopping. There are a number of reasons why this works - first of all, the farmers market is on Sunday, so I can be sure to get the produce, cheese, etc. that I need for the week; second, it means we only have to go grocery shopping once, which is much easier to fit into our schedules; third, it allows us to track how much we're spending on food for the week much easier than a lot of little trips to the store; fourth, I can make sure I have meals planned that fit my week's schedule. So, for example, I know if I have spanish class or happy hour after work one night then I need to have something easy to throw together when I get home, whereas if I come home right after work I have time to cook something more complicated.

Planning meals like that also prevents us from running out of food and buying dinner out, which we try not to do since it's expensive. For lunch we usually have dinner leftovers, though sometimes I'll make something else after dinner to take for lunch the next day. I do often feel like my life revolves around food - cooking, grocery shopping, eating. But I LOVE it, because I LOVE cooking and trying new recipes and eating delicious food. My Mom and I actually spend a lot of time talking about food on the phone because we both get so excited about different things we're making or just made, and we discuss new ingredients and new concepts in cooking and how we don't understand how people can eat crappy food - (like pre-packaged food when you can cook something way better pretty easily with some planning). We've both read the Omnivore's Dilemma (GREAT book by the way, if you haven't read it - he's an incredible writer. He makes the history of corn thrilling and exciting to read) and feel strongly about buying local and organic. So, we have lots of fun with food!

I will call you in the next few days. I want to hear more about how you're feeling about going into PHP this week and just how you're feeling overall.

Alright, have a great day, and if the ED tries to tell you what to do, tell it it can suck it, text or call me or someone else, and eat what you know is right.

I love you so much!!

• I decided to go to the 2 hr family group today, even though my family didn't come (You don't have to bring family in order to attend). I decided to go even though it wasn't mandatory just because, I figured, my job is recovery right now and it's probably a good way to spend 2 hours on a Saturday morning. I mean, I might hear something insightful and useful. Also, it'll be a good way for me to just touch base with the healthy voice inside of me, and it'll set a healthy, pro-recovery tone for the day. So I went. It was... the best family group ever!!!! Can I just tell you all the great things about it? Ok:

1. We did role playing where clients volunteered to do scenes where one is the ED Voice and one is the Healthy Voice. It started with 2 clients playing out a scenario that happened in one client's head recently. At one point in the role play, the ED voice was talking about needing to go on a run. So, the clinical director paused the scene and told me to jump in as that girl's healthy voice. The room was packed with families and clients and former clients (all alumns can come to this group too). So, I jumped in - even in front of everyone. And, soon, the clincial director stopped the scene and told me to be the ED voice of something that happened recently in my head and she had another client play my healthy voice. So, Tracy has recently told me how I *have* to let myself be vulnerable at the program. So, I let it all out there. I was my honest ED voice in front of everyone. Adn this other client was my healthy voice. Then, the clinical director doesn't ever leave the client's as the ED voice, so she stopped the scene and said now she wanted me to be my healthy voice and she was going to be my ED voice. So, by this point, I felt like the spotlight had been on me for a while. I mean, the room was packed with clients and families and therapists and everyone silent just listening. And I can't remember EXACTLY what happened, but I know that it was kind of this surreal experience. I'll try to replay it here:

Clinical Director (CD) as ED: You're going to eat dinner even after you ate that huge lunch?

Me as healthy voice: Yup and that is a normal thing to do.

CD: You ate cereal WITH WALNUTS. Do you know how many calories are in walnuts? And then that huge lunch they fed you? They just made you eat like a fat person. That veggie burger had enormous amounts of avocado. And even after all of that they made you eat a snack. You are disgusting. There's no way you can eat dinner.

Me: Well, I know that seems like a lot, but, actually, if i were at the program for breakfast, they would have fed me a breakfast that was even bigger than the one I ate and the staff would have eaten it with me. And then, the lunch I ate was actually normal even though it doesn't seem so to you. But the staff was eating it too. And the staff ate a snack too. And, tonight, the staff is not home starving themselves.

CD: Yeah but you're different. Your metabolism is different. Your body is different than yours and you don't need as much.

Me: Well, actually that's not true. So far, since I've been here, my body has proven to be a human one and I actually can handle eating all the food the staff eats.

CD: But you're going to get fat.

Me: Seems like that, doesn't it? But, actually, Im not fat now and I have no evidence to support the fact that eating dinner tonight even after eating all of that will get me fat. I mean, the staff is going to get dinner and they're not getting fat.

CD: Remember youer' different. After all these years of this, your body wil just hang onto the food and it'll just produce fat on you if you eat.

Me: That's the fear, but that hasn't been true. That hasn't been happening. I actually wont' get fat.

CD: Yeah but you need to lose weight.

Me: Ok, you know, we can't even go there. I can't even go down that path. If you're oging to bring that topic up, I can't even listen to you.

(everyone is still just listening and I'm totally into it)

CD: But you know you want to lose weight.

Me: I really can't even have this conversation with you. Please stop talking about that.

CD: But stop fooling yourself. You know you want to lose weight.

Me: Blah blah blah, I can't hear you.... I just can't allow myself to go there, so I'm going to eat my dinner and you really need to just shut it.

CD: If you eat dinner, you need to then run afterwards and be on your feet and active all night long.

Me: That's exactly what I was thinking last night!

(Room erupts in laughter)

Me: Well, I know but my job right now is to challenge the eating disorder, and so, what I really want to do is read, so I'm going to read, and it's going to feel uncomfortable, but that's honoring what I really want to do. So I'm going to do that.

CD: you better read while walking on the treadmill

Me: Yeah but I'm not going to. I'm going to honor what I truly want to do. I'm going to take the risk that the world will come crashing down. I'll take the risk that I'll get fat. I'll take all those risks and I'm going to eat my dinner and then sit and read and I'm going to LOVE it!

CD: You are going to sit still?! You're going to eat dinner and then just sit still all night long?!

Me: Does that piss you off? (and I smiled big as I said that)

(One woman in the room shouts BRAVO! Another woman in the room shouts TAKE THAT, ED! And there is just general cheering and clapping)

(And then I looked up at the clinical director, and she was smiling at me so big. I really respect her. She's not a "Softy therapist." She's a strong person. She doesn't have a "therapist voice." She's very real. We have a lot in common: she lived in ohio and japan and california just like me. She doesn't really sympathize with people very much. It takes a lot for her to show that sort of "therapist's emotion." But... right then, I looked at her, and it was like I was in a vacuum. I was aware of this cheering and clapping going on around me. But my vision was staring at the clinical director. Her eyes were upside down moons from smiling. Her smile so big. And then... she mouthed the words "Good job" to me.... and, I seriously just got overcome with chills I was so touched and happy)

Afterwards, she asked me how I felt. I said "I feel really good." And I did feel really good.

The rest of family group was great, too. Afterwards, what was most rewarding was having people who I didn't even know, strangers, come up to me and tell me things that are just nice to hear. They told me things like: -They like how I can infuse humor into fighting the ED - How they want to give me their # and they hope I will call them b/c they want to support me - How they think I should be a writer and write a book about all the things (and more) that I said today. I was just touched by the strangers hugging me and supporting me and telling me that I'll be okay and telling me that they like my insight and they think I should become a writer or a speaker. It was def. a boost.

This one woman, at family group, came up to me and gave me this metaphor: She said that we are like wheels. At the center is our essence, our core, our true self. The spokes are different parts of us. one spoke is "mother," one spoke is "person who likes to swim," one spoke is "person with an eating disorder." She said that, when you're totally "in" your eating disorder, then you need to just move to a different spoke. Just jump onto a different spoke. I liked that metaphor a lot.

Something else that was rewarding from the group: The clinical director (who kept grilling me with questions and really putting the spotlight on me a lot for some reason) asked me what I ended up doing about dinner and evening snack last night. I told her that I reached out for a friend's support and had it. I explained that, during evening snack, I texted a friend and said that I had just convinced myself to have it. But, as soon as I sent that text, I no longer was sure that I'd have it. I was back to thinking I might just skip it. But then when my friend texted, "Yay! Good choice :-)," I was like "oh she's happy because she thinks I'm going to eat it... ok, I want to eat it then. It was her happiness that made me want to eat the snack. The clinical director said, "You reached out." I said, "Yes, I've never reached out before until recently and it has been such a rewarding experience." The clinical director said, "I'm proud of you. I'm really really proud of you." And she said it in front of everyone, and it just made me feel so.... good. She also said, "In that moment, you chose your friendship over your eating disorder." I said, "It was easy to do; she's a great friend." And the clinical director just looked at me, smiled, and said, "Laura, I'm really proud of you. And you'll be back in PHP next week, and that's a really good thing too."

I don't know... for lack of a better description: I just felt warm and fuzzy inside.

• The lunch blessing was one of my favorites: Beauty appears when something is completely and absolutely and openly itself.

• I went to this awesome yoga class today! I loved it because the teacher was so complimentary. He kept saying, really enthusiastically, "Everyone is doing awesome!" "Beautiful!" "You are great!" So it felt good to be in his class. Also, he was just saying really great stuff. He was talking about how yoga is not about going anywhere or pushing yourself to extremes. It's not about forcing yourself to be flexible. It's not about burning calories. It's about taking up space and creating space. Also, as yoga was ending, I was thinking, "oh... it's snack time... oh dear... i don't know what to do...." And then the yoga teacher said, "Ok, it's snack time! Everyone go eat milk and cookies and then have a wonderful rest of your day!" (My program would have LOVED this yoga teacher)

• So crazy how rules creep into your life so quickly. Like, yesterday, I went on a walk with my dog (an allowed walk) and now, today, I'm thinking "my body won't be able to handle my food unless I go on a walk like I did yesterday." So quickly things become rules and "must do's." Because I'm thinking that way tonight, I am not allowed to go on a walk with my dog because, in my Eater's AGreement, I agreed to notice when a food/exercise rule is coming and then purposely break it.....

• A big part of recovery for me has been learning to bring true enjoyment back into eating. So I've been setting intentions and reading blessings and using place mats and making the environment serene and throwing my energy into my taste buds and just truly enjoying! However, if I rely on this sort of environment to eat, I will end up in certain situations (like most of life) when eating like this is difficult. And I can't go into those situations and just freeze up and not eat. So, today, for example, I ate my snack in a pretty rushed, not mindful way. But I didn't let it bother me. I ate it like that because I was crunched for time. So, sometimes in life, we're going to be crunched for time, but we can't just skip or skimp snacks/meals because of that. WE can't use that as an excuse. In the not-so distant past, if I had had to eat in this rushed way, it would have made me angry and angsty and very unsettled inside and I would have wanted to run to deal with that discomfort. Today, though, I just recognized that, sometimes, I will not have the luxury to make every bite serene. But I still ate. And I think that's good practice.

• At dinner I did feel angsty and annoyed for some unknown reason. i really am not sure why. I felt chaotic. Things felt noisy. I didn't want to eat. I wanted to throw my fork - not use it to eat. But I just told myself I have two options: 1) Go to the bathroom, change my mood, come back or 2) Just eat. I chose to just eat. I wasn't truly enjoying it. But I did the right thing by eating it. And I did the right thing by not letting my emotions get in the way of my eating. I found myself totally distracted and not hearing people when they were talking to me...I was counting calories. I found myself saying things like "Well, if this dinner was 1500 calories" (which it was not!)... but I just kept having to interrupt my own thoughts and say " I accept all calorie numbers!" And I was saying "Ground yourself in your body not your mind. Your body is not too full. At all. Your body has no problem with this dinner. Bring your attention to your heart, not your head." So, I was getting through it... I was fighting through it... but it's just hard to be in a loud restaurant and have a conversation all while this is happening. But, such is life, and I did the right thing by eating.

• Today's food:

B: grape nuts + life cereal (totaling 300 cals worth) + 1 tbspn walnuts + 1/4 cup blueberries + 1/4 cup banana + very vanilla soy milk

L: salmon salad sandwich with avocado (2 slices of bread, 3/4 a large can (4.5 oz) salmon, 1 tbspn mayo, veggies, 1/4 avocado, horse radish)

S: 2 chocolate creme "oreo's" (i put it in quotes b/c they are from whole foods so they're not really oreos, but same idea...) + 1.25 cups watermelon

D at a restaurant: bowl of green lentil soup + 1 polenta cake covered in gorgonzola cheese sauce.

S: yet to be had and I don't want to have it but I'm not going to think about it for a couple of hours. Staying in the present, staying in the present....