Day 78 (Wed)

Thanks so much, everyone, for your support. Sometimes I feel very alone in this process, and it's nice to know you are all here.

So, insurance didn't end up deciding today. They called back and said "We need another day." They will decide tomorrow. If they approve, I think it means I start on Friday?

So, it's still totally up in the air... insurance may or may not approve. But the staff is treating me as if they'll approve. They told me to not fill out next week's menu; they are sending me to the doctor's tomorrow for a full work up (even though I already did this 4 months ago...); etc. It is highly possible that I will sit there, at the doctor's tomorrow, getting an EKG and insurance will have already called to say they deny me. And then I'll be like, "Really?! I got an EKG and drew blood for you to deny?!" lol.

I feel okay about my decision to go. I have a history of pulling it together, making a lot of improvement, and then regressing.... and repeat that cycle over and over and over again. Residential would be an opportunity to help break that cycle. But, also, even when I pull it all together.... it's like I become...80% behavior free or something... and I think this is the staff telling me that they're kicking my ass and not letting me settle for 80% behavior free and so they're recommending I go to a place where I am 100% behavior free. I appreciate that vote of confidence and that push.

Anyway, whether I go or not, I have this feeling in me right now where I'm not allowed to cut any corners on the meal or exercise plan whatsoever. I literally feel like I'm not allowed to. I find so many ways to rationalize to myself that it's fine to cut corners that I just have to eat and not think.

Today I was thinking about how if I am committed to ED recovery and if all the professionals claim that Meal Plan is an essential tool to ED recovery, then I should stop trying to cut corners. I should just be like "ok, they say the MP is needed for ED recovery. So... understanding or not... do the MP. That's what everyone says is your tool."

This morning, I woke up, not hungry for breakfast. But I am in this mindset of "well, shit, I just committed to residential - aka, I just committed to never giving myself a break from the meal plan - so that means i have to eat breakfast." But it wasn't just that I wasn't hungry. It's that I was sooooo nervous and anxious a/b the prospect of going residential that I felt like I'd get sick to my stomach if I ate. That's when I was just wishing someone could make a 500 calorie pill. I looked at my food and it just seemed like too much to fit in me. I was so bummed that I would have to chew and swallow repeatedly. I just wanted to get the food in me without having to eat it... Idk if that makes sense. Anyway, once I was eating it was okay. once I took the first couple bites it was okay.

I notice that, today, my hunger is not really that active. Like, I just get fed all the time it seems like. My hunger/fullness does not reach extremes at all.... it stays pretty much in the middle of the hunger/fullness scale all day with minor, minor fluctuations. Maybe that's what's supposed to happen.

I felt so nervous at program too... because I thought I'd hear from insurance. The nerves made me not want to finish my food even though it tasted delicious. I knew not finishing wasn't an option though, so I finished and enjoyed.

I had a couple of hilarious moments at the table with a staff member at program... moments where the two of us were just laughing so hard we were practically falling out of our chair. That was nice :)

I'm starting to get worried about weight... like eating all this food is making me gain tons and tons of weight. I'm telling myself that I'm just taking my anxiety out on food and body. I'm also telling myself that, so far, my weight hasn't spiraled upwards so I don't have any reason to believe it will suddenly start. Also, even if I did gain weight, it'd be so minimal... it's just not that possible to gain so much weight in a few days. But I keep having to remind myself of all of these things.

I soooo badly did not want to eat the evening snack. I really couldn't come to terms with the fact that I had to eat MORE FOOD. I wasn't hungry at all (seems like a good rationale to skip.... but I know I just committed to 100% all the time). So, I decided to just stop thinking and just eat. So I just turned off my brain and ate. (Hey, the psychiatrist said that the purpose of the medicaiton was to get me to be able to stop thinking myself in circles. He said the point of it was to give me a break pedal... not just a gas pedal.... I wonder if my ability to eat the evening snack tonight was linked to that medication?)

I have more to write but I'm tired and drained.

Food today:

B @ home: 1 slice cin. raisin french toast, 6 oz Lf yogurt, 1/4 cup blueberries

L @ program: quinoa, shrimp, cashews, sun dried tomato, asparagus, peas, olive oil, fruit salad

S @ program: scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream and chocolate chip cookie

D @ program: teriyaki salmon, israeli cous cous, vegetables with olive oil

S @ home: 1/2 cup Lf cottage cheese, 1/2 cup cereal, jam

(This looks/seems like a lot of food. I must keep reminding myself that it's not too much food.)