I'm just going to share with you all some notes on the book. These aren't organized... they're just what I take away from the book as I make my way through it.
Chapter 1: The Challenge of Anger.
(Italicized means I'm quoting the book. Bold means its my thought or reaction - oh, or just a heading)
Our Anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self-our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions - is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth.
Knowing when we are angry is not a simple matter.
Then the book talks about two of the most common ways of managing anger. In one way, you fall into the "Nice-Lady" category. In the other way, you fall into the "Bitchy-Lady" category. As I read about the "Nice-Lady"Syndrome, I totally identified. Thing is, I don't feel angry or feel like an angry person... Even so, angry or not, I'm still learning about myself as I read about the "Nice-Lady." This is what the book has to say about Nice Ladies
The "Nice-Lady" Syndrome
If we are "nice ladies," how do we behave/ In situations that might realistically evoke anger or protest, we stay silent - or become tearful, self-critical, or "hurt." (I totally do this! I definitely turn to self-criticism and tears). If we do feel angry, we keep it to ourselves in order to avoid the possibility of open conflict. But it is not just our anger that we keep to ourselves; in addition we may avoid making clear statements about what we think and feel, when we suspect that such clarity would make another person uncomfortable and expose differences between us. (Yup! I do that too! I am wishy-washy in my language because I don't want the other person to feel uncomfortable).
When we behave in this way, our primary energy is directed toward protecting another person and preserving the harmony of our relationships at the expense of defining a clear self. (OH MY GOSH! THIS IS SO TRUE!!) Over time we may lose our clarity of self, because we are putting so much effort into "reading" other people's reactions and ensuring that we don't' rock the boar, we may become less and less of an expert about our own thoughts, feelings, and wants. (YES! THis has totally happened to me to some degree!)
The more we are "nice" in these ways, the more we accumulate a storehouse of unconscious anger and rage. Anger is inevitable when our lives consist of giving in and going along; when e assume responsibility for other people's feelings and reactions (I TOTALLY ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS); when we relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our own growth and ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a relationship is more important than having a self. (WITH EXISTING RELATIONSHIPS, OFTEN TIMES I DO ACT AS IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE SELF.... BUT I ALSO THINK THAT SOMETIMES I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO FORM CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS - ESPECIALLY ROMANTIC ONES - BECAUSE I DON'T KNO WHOW TO MAINTAIN A SELF AND A RELATIONSHIP VERY WELL... AND I FEAR HAVING TO GIVE UP MY SELF I THINK...) Of course, we are forbidden from experiencing this anger directly, since "nice ladies," by definition, are not "angry women."
Thus begins a self-defeating and self-perpetuating cycle. The more we give in and go along, the more our anger builds. (I still don't feel angry though). The more we intensify our repressive efforts, the more we unconsciously fear a volcanic eruption should we begin to let our anger out. (Ok, it says unconsciously. I suppose anything's possible. It's a possibility this is happening UNconsicously... but def. not happening consciously for me). So, the more desperately we repress... and so it goes. When we finally do "blow," we may then confirm our worst fears that our anger is indeed "irrational" and "destructive." And other people may write us off as neurotic, while the real issues go unaddressed, and the cycle begins again.
Although "nice ladies" are not very good at feeling angry, we may be great at feeling guilty. As with depression or feeling hurt, we may cultivate guilt in order to blot out awareness of our own anger (ok, so nice ladies don't know they're angry? so might i be angry without knowing it?) Anger and guilt are just about incompatible. If we feel guilty about not giving enough or not doing enough for others, it is unlikely we will be angry about not getting enough. (Ok, this rings true. I definitely often feel guilty for lots of things. Guilty for leaving my family - afraid they'll take it as an insult. Guilty for leaving work on time - afraid I'm sending a message that I don't care). If we feel guilty that we are not properly fulfilling our prescribed feminine role, we will have neither the energy nor the insight to question the prescription itself - or who had done the prescribing. Nothing will block the awareness of anger so effectively as guilt and self-doubt (Which are two things I have a ton of! Maybe I don't need to feel so guilty and so self-doubting...) Our society cultivates guilt feelings in women such that many of us still feel guilty if we are anything less than an emotional service station to others.
Nor is it easy to gain the courage to stop feeling guilty and begin to use our anger to question and define what is right and appropriate for our own lives. Just at that point when we are serious about change, others may redouble their guilt-inducing tactics. We may be called "selfish," "immature," "egocentric," "rebellious," "unfeminine," "neurotic," "irresponsible," "ungiving," "cold," or "castrating." Such slurs on our character and femininity are perhaps more than many of us can bear. When we are taught that our own worth and identity are to be found in loving and being loved, it is indeed devastating to have our attractiveness and womanliness questioned. How tempting it may be to shuffle apologetically back to our proper place in order to regain the approval of others.
Unlike the "bitches" among us, who are domed to lose popularity contests - if not our jobs - "nice ladies" are rewarded by society. The personal costs, however, are very high and affect every aspect of our emotional and intellectual life. "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" becomes the unconscious rule for those of u who must deny the awareness and expression of our anger. The "evil" that we must avoid includes any number of thoughts, feelings, and actions that might bring us into open conflict, or even disagreement, with important others. To obey this rule, we must become sleep walkers. We must not see clearly, think precisely, or remember freely. The amount of creative, intellectual, and sexual energy that is trapped by this need to repress anger and remain unaware of its sources is simply incalculable.
Then it goes on to talk about the "Bitchy Woman." I do not connect as much with the Bitchy Woman, but I'll give some notes on it anyhow
-not shy about getting angry and stating their differences.
-others describe them using words like "nagging" "complaining" "bitching" and "hysterical."
-vent anger ineffectively - complaining, blaming
-do not clearly voice complaints... but their anger IS valid and is real.
-elicit other people's disapproval instead of sympathy
-vent anger without clarity in speech, direction, or control
-usually spends energy trying to change a person who does not want to change. They feel that they only way they are allowed to be themselves is if the other is praising their actions and giving them permission (through praise) to be themselves. So, the Bitchy Woman tries to et the other to change their stance, position, thoughts, etc. so that that will, in turn, give them permission to assert their self.
CHAPTER 2: OLD MOVES, NEW MOVES, AND COUNTERMOVES
This chapter is mostly about how, when you change the way you express and assert yourself to others, the other will react (or, throw a "countermove" at you) and you have to be able to tolerate that countermove.
The chapter starts with an example: The author received a phone call the night before her workshop. Barbara was on the phone. She was calling to say that, although she had signed up for the workshop, she could not go because her husband wouldn't let her. Barbara said that she tried to convince her husband that the workshop would be worth it, but he wouldn't change his mind. She did her best, even yelled at him, but he said no and so she couldn't go.
Then there is a section on INEFFECTIVE BLAMING VERSUS ASSERTIVE CLAIMING. Instead of blaming her husband for not letting her go to the workshop. she could have said, "Good or bad, the workshop is important to me. If I cancel my registration because you want me to, I will end up feeling angry and resentful. I look forward to the workshop and I plan to go."
Then there is a section titled MAKING CHANGES - TAKING CHANCES:
Here's a thought... we are allowed to make our own decisions! Barbara could have said "I will make my own decision" and avoided getting sidetracked into arguing other points, such as the value of the workshop. Point: You don't need to convince someone about your choices and have the other person praise them or approve of them in order for them to be good choices. They are your choices to make!
If you assert your right to make your own decisions, there might be a "countermove" by the other party... at worst, Barbara's husband could have left her or something. At some point, you have to decide if you are able to handle and tolerate potential countermoves. And you can plan how to assert yourself to make countermoves not so bad.
When you assert yourself and own your right to make your own decisions, you achieve a new level of assertiveness, separateness, and maturity. You are your own person!
There are few things more anxiety-arousing than shifting to a higher level of self-assertion and separateness in an important relationship and maintaining this position despite the countermoves of the other person.
Then there is a section called PEACE AT ANY PRICE.
Sometimes we fall into the role of PEACEMAKER. We will do anything to keep the peace, even if it means stripping ourselves of our own self. We find ways to convince ourselves that we don't want what we want in order to maintaing peace in relationships. EX: If you were Barbara, you could have said to your husband, "I'm thinking about attending this workshop..." and if Barbara picked up any signals that her husband did not back this idea, she would then move to PROTECT HIM from not having to feel disappointed by her decision to go to the workshop. She would protect him by convincing herself it's not that big of a deal to miss it. She might have said to herself, "Well, the workshop probably wont' be good anyway." or "We don't have the money now." or "I'm not in the mood to go, anyway."
In this way, a woman avoids conflict by defining her own wishes and preferences as being the same as what her partner wishes and prefers her to be. She defines her own self as he defines her. she sacrifices her awareness of what she is in her efforts to conform to his wants and expectations. The entire de-selfing precess goes on unconsciously so that she may experience herself in harmony with her husband. (I might de-self to a degree with people...)
Women who fall into the peace-makeer or "nice lady" category are by no means passive, wishy-washy losers. Quite to the contrary, we have developed an important and complex interpersonal skill that requires a great deal of inner activity and sensitivity. We are good at anticipating other people's reactions, and we are experts at protecting others from uncomfortable feelings. This is a highly developed social skill that is all too frequently absent in men. If only we could take this very same skill and redirect it inward in order to become experts on our own selves.
Um, clearly a feminist book - lol.
Then there is a section called SEPARATION AND TOGETHERNESS
Making a long-term relationship work is a difficult business because it requires the capacity to strike a balance betwween the individualism (the "I") and togetherness (the "We").... On one hand, we want to be separate, independent individuals - self-contained persons in our own right; on the other, we seek a sense of connectedness and intimacy with another person, as well as a sense of elongingness to a family or a group. When a couple gets out of balance in either direction, there is a problem.
What happens when there is not enough "we" in our relationship? ..... when the "separateness force" is overriding, a "I-don't-need-you" attitude may be expressed by one or both partners.
What happens if there is not enough "I" in our relationship? Here, we sacrivice our clear and separate identity and our sense of responsibility for, and control over, our own live. when the "togetherness force" is overriding, a lot of energy goes into trying to "Be for" the other person.
Instead of taking responsibility of our own selves, we tend to feel responsible for the emotional well-being of the other person and hold the other person responsible for ours.
K... thoughts: I think in some relationships, I keep a distance, I keep a "separateness force" alive for fear that, if I lose it, I will lose myself, my voice. In other relationships, I DEFINITELY find myself feeling responsible for the others' emotion. That is a big burden to carry because sometimes I don't know if I assert myself, how will they feel? If I do something for me instead of for them, will they feel insulted? and because I am tugged to be "for me" and "for them," I feel paralyzed and insecure sometimes. I really don't think that I ever think any other person is responsible for my well-being, though, like the last italicized paragraph suggests.
We need to have both an "I" and a "we" that nourish and give meaning to each other. There is no formula for the "right" amount of separateness and togetherness for all couples or even for the same couple over time. Each member is constantly monitoring the balance of these two forces, automatically and unconsciously making moves to restore more separateness (when anxiety about fusion sets in) or more togetherness (when anxiety about unrelatedness sets in). The balance of these two forces is constantly in motion in every couple.
When I think of my best relationships... they are the ones in which I feel a good equal balance between the I and the We and the Give and the Take.
If we are chronically angry or bitter in a particular relationship, that may be a message to clarify and strengthen the "I" a bit more. We must re-examine our own selves with a view toward discovering what we think, feel, and want and what we need to do differently in our lives. The more we care out a clear and separate "I," the more we can experience and enjoy both intimacy and aloneness. Our intimacy need not be "sameness" or "oneness" or loss of self; our aloneness and separateness need not be distance and isolation.
How do I do this? I need to carve out a clear I and learn to assert in properly.
Then there is a section called CLARITY AND THE FEAR OF LOSS.
And then a section called COUNTERMOVES AND "CHANGE BACK!" REACTIONS
What are countermoves? We may be accused of coldness, disloyalty, selfishness, or disregard for others. ("How could you upset your mother by saying that to her!") We may receive verbal or nonverbal threats that hte other person will withdraw or terminate the relationship. ("we can't be close if you feel that way.")
Countermoves are an expression of anxiety, as well as of closeness and atachement.
Our job is to keep clear about our own position in the face of a countermove - not to prevent it from happening or to tell the other person that he or she should not be reacting that way.
Most of us want the impossible. We want to control not only our own decisions and choices but also the other person's reactions to them. We not only want to make a change; we want the other person to LIKE the change that we make (HAHA... SO TRUE! IT'S LIKE I'M NOT SURE IF I CAN LIKE AND BE OKAY WITH MY OWN DECISIONS IF OTHERS DON'T GIVE ME POSITIVE FEEDBACK ABOUT THEM. ) We want to move ahead to a higher level of assertiveness and clarity and then receive praise and reinforcement from those very people who have chosen us for our old familiar ways (oh geez... this is so true... haha).
Then there is a section called PSEUDO ISSUES
And then a section called TRYING TO CHANGE HIM
It is extremely difficult to learn, with our hearts as well as our heads, that we have a right to everything we think and feel - and so does everyone else. It is our job to state our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It is not our job to make another person think and feel the way we do or the way we want them to. if we try, we can end up in a relationship in which a lot of personal pain and emotional intensity are being expended and nothing is changing.
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What are your thoughts on all of this?
From reading this, my main thoughts are:
1. I think I de-self in order to preserve harmony a lot.
2. I depend too much on approval from others for my own life decisions.
3. I need to work on defining myself and being okay with asserting it, knowing that it will feel weird and uncomfortable.
4. I think one of the reasons I usually push guys away just when we start to become closer is because I fear that if I'm in a committed relationship, I'll lose myself and my voice since I don't know how to assert it. Often times, when I spend time alone, it is so that I can do what I want to do without worrying or feeling guilty.
5. I need some way of approving of my own actions and not depending on others. What criteria do I use to know if I approve of my own decision and actions?
Next chapter: Circular Dances in Couples: When getting Angry goes nowhere.
**I am not in a relationship nor have I ever been... but Im still going to read this chapter. At the beginning of the book, the author tells you to read every chapter because it's not the specifics of the relationship that matter but the lessons that you can learn.
I absolutely must read this book!
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