Day off # 11

RESPONDING TO COMMENTS ON LAST POST:

Emmy: Thank you so much for encouraging my honesty and self-awareness. Yes, the goal is to be free and content... no point in living with self-imposed pointless rules!

Perfectimperfectionist: Thank you for your comment. Yes, sitting with emotions... the more you do it, the more you realize it's not that big of a deal to do it... Plus, what else are we gonna do with our emotions? Some sort of self-destructive behavior? When you make those behaviors non-options... you're kind of left with nothing to do but let your emotions be in your body and know that they won't last. Thanks for your opinion on the food too!

Sarah C: Glad you liked the cookie story! I am totally trying to listen and understand my body in terms of hunger and satiety. So true, what you say, about it taking some trial and error along the way. That's part of the process, right?

M: Thank you! I think they want staff sitting with me because, although I've been doing really well outside of the program, I still do something ED-like a/b once a week in the program. Last week I ran the stairs. The week before I refused to finish my meal and ended up getting supplemented. Also, the first week when they put me at the IOP table with no staff, I took 20 min too long to finish my meals. The other IOP-ers are a lot better "at the table" and have less "behaviors" at the table than I do. Maybe that's why? About the measuring... yeah, I have decided to commit to measuring things when I can just so that I can keep accountable with amounts and not end up skimping w/o anyone knowing until it's been going on for too long... Thank you for pointing out how far I've come. It's easy to not even notice hte progress, but, you're right, when I look back.... geez. I feel so much more alive now than I did even just 3, 4, months ago...

The letting go: You're welcome! I'm glad you find it helpful to read about how I'm actually doing this. It really is possible. To increase your intake, manage the anxiety/guilt/fear/irritablity/nerves that come up, and then realize that it's okay. That's what I keep telling myself... that it's all kind of like an experiment. If I'm curious enough to know how much food my body can handle without going above it's set point (which, I'm lucky that I'm at a place where I've accepted my set point... that makes this all easier), then I have to take risks. If I'm curious enough to know what it'd be like to be able to eat enough w/o keeping track of it in my head with calorie #s buzzing around all day long, then I have to try it. If I'm curious enough to know if I can really eat a non-labeled cookie and pacnake in the same day, then I have to try it. In the end... DOING is what matters. And you must do in order to see what the truth is... you know? It's kind of like one giant emotion/biology experiment... did that make any sense?

Shells: your logic TOTALLY makes sense to me. I followed every bit of what you said, and I really want to take your challenge on! Thank you for your comment; it was very meaningful to me. I saw the movie Cyrus, which I liked. REally good acting I thought.

DAY OFF 11:

• Well, first off, an update on last night: Last night I did eat my evening snack after the movies. Then I was to go pick my younger sister up from a concert and bring her home. Had that gone as planned, we would have been home around 11:30pm - 11:45pm. But, when I arrived, the concert was still going on, and my lil' sis was having the time of her life, making memories, being a groupie, hanging' with friends... I wanted her to have this evening in her memory. And so, instead of making her leave and dragging her home... I parked the car and joined her. The crowds begged the bands to stay and the bands obliged... they stayed and stayed and stayed... and when they were done, music played and all the cute concert go-ers danced... and so, I participated. I danced with my sister. I let her stay until we had to leave. So we didn't get home till a bit past 2am. I was hungry. I was debating about whether or not I should eat. I ended up without a solid plan. I kind of just said I'd let myself take one bit of my frozen yogurt (picked up the other day from a fro yo store but not eaten) in the freezer. I had the fro yo and that just opened the flood gates for more eating. Well, that's an exaggeration.... but I did have a cliff bar as well. So, I may have skimped on my afternoon snack yesterday but then I had 3 snacks in b/w dinner and bed. I had to remind myself that I was hungry and this was nothing to feel guilty about. Still, I did have thoughts about compensating in the morning. I thought back to my Eater's Agreement, though... in that Agreement, I agreed to eat more than required by my meal plan on some days and follow it by a day of zero restricting. (restricting = anything less than the MP requires). So, I vowed to do that...

• I had a day today where I was just kind of feeling... fat? full? anti-food? I think it was kind of a boomerang reaction to the freedom I gave myself the last two days. The last two days I didn't calorie count; I let myself eat extra snacks when hungry. I ate a pancake. I ate a cookie with no nutrition facts attached. Today, I woke up with this feeling of "woah there... okay... that was fun but.... time to be careful again...." I hear myself think this and I stop myself. "Laura, ask yourself... the feeling you had the last two days form not calorie counting.. that GOOD feeling... is it really something you have to come in and take away? is it really something you have to pull in the reigns on? or is it possible you're just not used to letting yourself feel good?" And I thought and realized that, no, the feeling from the last two days was GOOD... and it's something that's OKAY TO FEEL... I'm allowed to feel free and good. This ISN'T A FEELING I NEED TO RUN AWAY FROM... it might be a different feeling... a new sensation... but, the feeling of eating freely.... however unusual and new it may be... it's an OKAY FEELING... and I'm ALLOWED TO FEEL THAT. I knew all of that, I agreed with all of that, but I decided to calorie count today. (I kind of cringe at myself as I write this though. I think I'd like to take another shot at not calorie counting again sometime soon... I feel like a failure that I was able to recognize that the free sensation I got from not calorie counting is an okay thing to feel ... and yet I chose to go back to "safe" and "comfortable" by choosing to calorie count. I kind of chickened out today I guess).

• I did chicken out and I did calorie count.... but in other ways, I didn't chicken out. Despite eating more than my meal plan required yesterday, I still followed my meal plan today ... NO COMPENSATING. Compensating has been a HUGE problem of mine in the past several years... but I didn't compensate today. I didn't restrict to make up for the extra I had last night after the concert. So that's a win there! Choosing to calorie count instead of LET MYSELF continue to feel the freedom of not calorie counting was NOT A WIN.... but choosing to not compensate despite SO BADLY WANTING TO... that WAS A WIN.

• Food today:

BREAKFAST: 1 cup low-fat yogurt + 1 plum + 1/2 cup grapes + 1/2 cup granola

(I was feeling frozen at breakfast and not "At ease" with the food... but then I realized I was PAST TRIPPING... My mind was seriously tricking me into feeling like I was still full from last night. Really, Laura? Really? You had like 1/2 cup of fro yo and a cliff bar and, 9 hrs later, it's still stuck in you and making you "stuffed" and unable to fit breakfast in you? Yeah... didn't think so." Sometimes when you just get real with yourself, you realize what you're thinking (that the cliff bar made you stuffed and is still in you) is impossible. So, I realized 1) I was past tripping and 2) what I was feeling was impossible - there's no way there's still food in me. I didn't massively overeat yesterday. So, I recognized all these signs to be signs of anxiety... so I breathed, told myself to focus on the present... and, when I did that, the physical sensation of fullness went away and I was able to enjoy my breakfast)

LUNCH: sandwich made with 2 slices of bread, 3 slices (yes, 3) of cheese, 1 tablespoon of mayo and tomatoes + an apple

(what I went through at breakfast... a repeat of that happened here. But then I just said "woah there! Hold your horses! What does your body have to say about all of this?! Check in with your body! Take that energy out of your head and put it into your body and your tastebuds. When I did that, I realized my body was actually fairly hungry and, afterwards, it felt good. And my taste buds? Oh they were very pleased!)

SNACK: 3/4 cup low-fat cottage cheese + banana

(I didn't want this... I took my RD's advice, though, and I portioned out the amount I was supposed to eat... even if I wouldn't eat it all... I'd at least portion it all out... So... here's the dilemma here: Yes, I felt "snack hunger" (like a high 4)... but dinner was going to be in a couple of hours. What is the balance between not spoiling your appetite for dinner and eating your snack? That's the Q I had before eating this. Something to talk a/b with the RD...)

DINNER: 3/4 of a personal pizza + a good amount (unmeasured - 1.5 cups?) melon/strawberries/grapes

(I was a bit worried b/c I wasn't that hungry for dinner. As I took a bite, though, I started wanting more. This shows me that I was at about a 4 on the hunger/fullness scale. AT a 4, you don't necessarily know you're hungry until you start eating. I ate my dinner and didn't feel too full afterwards. This shows me that I was really out of touch with my hunger before hand. Lately, this keeps happening at dinner. I think it might be for one of two reasons. 1) My mind convinces me I'm not hungry b/c it says "if you ate all your breakfast and your lunch and your afternoon snack, there's no way you'll need more food today." The mind rules get in the way of body signals sometimes. Or 2) Because I'm eating the right sized breakfast and lunches and snacks for the most part, I literally am less hungry at dinner. This doesn't mean I should be eating less.. it's just me learning that "oh, you don't have to be sooooo hungry to justify eating dinner. you can just be a little hungry for dinner." )

SNACK: frozen yogurt (about 1/2 cup - 1 cup?)

(I really didn't crave this, but it was a family outing)

• I forgot to set intentions before eating today. I want to remember to do that tomorrow. Today I found myself not present a lot while eating. I kept past tripping and I kept having to pull myself into the present. I want to set intentions while eating so that, hopefully, I'll spend less effort pulling myself back into the present b/c I will have set the intention to stay in the moment from the get-go.

• Energy shifts: When you eat, you can notice where your energy is. By energy, I mean attention/concentration/focus. Lots of times, I'll notice my energy is in my brain. And, when I notice that, I'll shift it to my taste buds and that helps to ground myself in my body. It's such a more pleasurable experience when you can remember to put your energy in your taste buds instead of in your mind.

• When I really look at Fri and SAt - food-wise... my first reaction is to remember them as "Scary days where I didn't calorie count." But that's a false memory! When I really think about it... I have some really freeing moments in those days BECAUSE of not calorie counting. So, just like we can't believe everything we think... I also can't believe everything I remember. I need to remember accurately. So, I will keep reminding myself of the freeing moments that came with not calorie counting, so that I remember that it is worth it to have another day of not cal. counting. I've just been cal counting for so many years now that having a couple of days where I didn't was just.... well, my ED wants me to remember it as bad... but, when I think a/b what is true - the truth is that those days were, overall, really good. They were really good. It is worth it to have another day of no cal counting. That feeling was worth it. The anxiety of no cal counting.... it will be worth it to learn to overcome that.

• snack hunger is not empty stomach hunger... it's just when you start thinking that a little somethin' something... a couple of bites of something... would be good.

• The program RD told me that, when I don't want all of a snack, instead of skimping on it from the get go, I should portion out the entire snack and then, if I decide to leave a couple of bites, then fine (not that she's recommending that). But, basically, she said, "Always portion 100% of what you should eat. It doesn't mean you're trapped into eating it all. If you leave some, you leave some... but at least set yourself up for success by portioning 100%" That is a REALLY good point.

• I went on a walk today - it was supposed to be for 20 min but I walked for 40... it just felt so good. It was a good thing I was wearing flip flops b/c I would ahve been so tempted to break out into a run!

• I have an awesome grocery store story! So, I was at the grocery store today looking for yogurt. THe criteria for my yogurt: flavored, low-fat or full-fat... just not no-fat. This other woman was standing at the yogurt too, looking for yogurt. Neither of us could find yogurt that met our criteria (seriously, why is ever yogurt either "plain" flavor or fat-free?") The woman goes, "I can't find my yogurt!" I'm like "Me neither!" Then she goes, "I'm looking for carbomaster yogurt..... ah, here it is!" And I was like "I'm looking for full-fat yogurt.... " And we both kind of laughed. Seriously, though, when she picked up her yogurt... it didn't trigger me...it made me feel SO happy and so proud. I was like, "Yeah, sucks for your body...." (in my head, not out loud). Then, later, in the grocery store, I was looking for ice cream.... And she came and was also looking for ice cream. So, once again, the two of us, next to each other... I grab a regular ice cream pint and put it in my cart. She grabs some sort of no sugar carbolite fudgesicle and put it in her cart. In that moment, I simultaneously felt sorry for her and felt sooo happy to be me. I felt like I had been let in on the secret that you don't have to eat no-calorie, no-fat, no-carb foods and she hadn't or something.

• I read another chapter in the book Jane recommended... summary coming soon... VERY HELPFUL though.

Here's my e-mail to Tracy:

Hi Tracy,

Successes:

• Had 2 extra snacks yesterday (out of hunger), which made me want to compensate today, but I didn't compensate.
• I followed the MP with index cards 100% - every meal and snack.
• I have an amazing grocery store story to share with you. I can't wait to tell you this. I'm not going to write it over e-mail though.

Short comings:

• I decided to return to calorie counting today. It wasn't terribly repetitive in my head, but I had a general tally going in my head. Why did I return when Fri and SAt felt so good without the cal counting? I think I was just starting to feel nervous and anxious and didn't feel like managing that anxiety, so I decided to just "feel better for today" and keep a general calorie count going in my head. I do recognize, though, that the days without the calorie counting were very freeing. The anxiety that comes with letting go of the cal # is worth the freeing sensation that comes with not cal. counting. I am willing to try another day of not cal counting before I see you on Thursday.

Have a great Monday!

Laura