program day 56

Quickly because I'm short on time, but want to keep up with blogging because I think it's important to me...

Yesterday, day 56 (Friday) - quick notes...

• anxiety/nervousness (even unsensed and subconscious) blunt hunger signals and actually make me feel fuller, which make me not want to eat. EX: before lunch outing with the program, looking at menu and not hungry at all, (looking at menus usually makes me a bit tense and uptight), and then I picked what I wanted (the tense feelings died down b/c I was done looking at the menu), and noticed I felt hungry... this would make sense, given that I was really hungry in the morning and was still hungry after bfast. hunger doesn't just go away. but certainly your mind and your emotions can blunt it. Another EX: immediately after eating lunch i was "so full." First thought "that was way too much. But then I distracted myself, returned to the conversation, was happy and calm while talking to others, and, as soon as that happened... I noticed I was not nearly as full. I went from telling the RD that I was a "high 8" to telling her I was a "6" on the hunger/fullness scale.
• I had a conversation with Jane today. She said a few helpful things. Here they are:

1. I told her my fears that I wrote about in the last entry. She told me that moving forward (life in general) (getting a job, having relationships, maintaining financial independence) is highly complex and full of unknowns. In Life, it's hard to know if your decisions are right or wrong, etc. Restriction, however, is simple and it's easy to know if you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing. Restriction is a simple, non-complex, easy version of life. But I choose to move forward. I choose life even thought, with it, comes fear and uncertainty and difficulty. Before talking to Jane I was thinking, "Eating Disorder or Complex, Uncertain, Intimidating Life." AFter talking to Jane, I realized it's not one or the other... the idea is to take the benefit of restriction (simplicity, distraction) and apply it to life. So the question is: How can I make moving forward into an independnet life as simple as possible? Some of the answers include: not thinking in black and white about life + breaking the all emcompasing "life" into small goals + staying in the moment + having realistic expectations of yourself and what you can accomplish in a given day/week/month/year.
2. We talked about having a balanced day. I told her that restriction gives me a feeling of "fewf" or "okay, I just needed that break." She said that the Q then is how can I get that relieving feeling while still in life without using restriction? You could take the approach of scheduling one day off in your week to watch movies. But you could take another approach - which I prefer - and which would be a challenge for me.... you could have a goal to learn how to bring balance and flexibility into your every day - not just into your week... Instead of having a few days of intensely working and then one day of vegging and recovering from overworking... the goal would be to design your days so that you are productive for a portion of it + nourish your relationships for a portion of it + relax/do something fun/take care of yourself for a portion of it. that's the general goal of how I'd like to one day be able to live my life

• I'm very happy lately.

• I'm also busier lately - I have a couple job interview/application type of things coming up + dealing with logistics of moving + a good friend coming to visit + prepping for weddings to attend + MAKING SURE I DON'T LET THIS BUSINESS KEEP ME FROM PRIORITIZING MEAL PLANNING AND SELF-MONITORING REGARDING HOW I'M DIONG WITH MY EATING!!!

• Last night I had a portion of the night where I felt very self-critical. I was shopping with friends and kept telling myself that I was the fat friend and the only reason they wanted to hang out with me was because, since I'm so horrible and fat, I make them feel better a/b themselves. I was kind of countering this thought, but mostly I just let it be there.

• Besides that moment, I had a pretty enjoyable day and food was good. Here's the e-mail I wrote to tracy at the end of the day:

Hi Tracy!

Here's Friday's check-in:

Today, I guess I'm happy that I have lots of successes to report, but the last third of the day was hard (I really didn't want to eat dinner or evening snack).. and, so, because the last third of the day was hard, I don't feel so great as I type this right now (I just feel like there's a lot of food in me), but I guess I'm happy to know I'm doing the right thing.... Also, I have ways to reassure myself. So far, following the meal plan has been working. It's not like I'm going to instantly gain tons of weight. Eating my dinner and evening snack is the only way to not have an eating disorder and be the person I would be proud to be. I know I did the right thing by eating dinner and the evening snack, but it's just uncomfortable...

Successes:

• Another day of no calorie counting. Yesterday, I just felt so happy without the calorie counting that I found myself wanting to do it again today. So, with ease, I didn't calorie count.
• I followed the meal plan 100% - every meal and snack.
• I had strong urges to not eat both dinner and the evening snack (I wasn't hungry, nor was I craving food. Also, I just wanted some relief from feeling food in me), but I ate dinner and evening snack despite urges not to.
• No exercise (This has so far been in check. One day I walked for double the time I was supposed to, but I cut out two other walks to make up for it)
• I did a good job at the EDCC meal outing (I ordered something new that, in the past, I would have avoided), and I ate with ease and with enjoyment. I ordered the same thing as Jacque again.
• I was aware of when ED thoughts were coming up and finding patterns. For example, I noticed that as I started to do things (like prepare for a job interview) or when I started to think about things having to do with moving forward in the future, I immediately wen to having urges to run. I also immediately went to thinking about how I'm not hungry and won't be hungry for dinner/evening snack. As this happened, I noticed, "Hm, interesting that the second I get a bit stressed about moving forward in life or a bit stressed about an upcoming to-do list, I get relief from that stress by just focusing on food/exercise."
• When I was out with friends tonight, even though I seriously didn't want dinner, I knew it was getting to be dinner time (it was 7pm and nobody was mentioning dinner), so I brought it up and suggested we all go to dinner then - just because I knew I had to eat.

Short comings:

• I don't know of any short comings. How could I have challenged myself even more? I guess I could have ordered my dinner salad (which had goat cheese, lots of dried fruit, sundried tomatoes, chicken) with the dressing on it instead of on the side.

Overall, I'm noticing I'm so happy lately. The last 1/3 of the day was harder, like I said, but the first 2/3 felt comparatively ED-thought free, which was so nice.

Thanks; I hope you have a great weekend!

~Laura