Eater's Agreement

At the program I attend, we have to write an Eater's Agreement when we transition from PHP to IOP and read it in front of everyone. Here is what I wrote:

Before I write an Eater’s Agreement, I have to think about what an Eater’s Agreement is and what purpose it serves.

The purpose of an individual’s Eater’s Agreement is whatever that individual chooses for it to be. For me, I choose for my Eater’s Agreement to be a place where I have documented all things to which I aspire. This means that, included in this Eater’s Agreement, are some things that I might not currently be doing 100% of the time, day in, day out. My hope, though, is that, because I’ve vocalized these goals, because I’ve documented these goals, that I will be more likely to follow through on them.

What is an Eater’s Agreement? I suppose it’s what I agree to do in regards to eating and related activities. But I stop myself from easily agreeing to do nearly anything because I worry I’ll not be perfect at what I agree to do, and, in my imperfection, I’ll break my agreement. I don’t want to be a person who makes false promises and breaks agreements! But this is not an Eater’s Promise. Breaking an Eater’s Agreement isn’t the same as breaking a promise. I don’t lose self-worth if I’m not perfect at following through on my Eater’s Agreement. Still, there are things I have as goals, but I am hesitant to agree to do them for fear I won’t be perfect at them. But, if I let my fear of imperfection stop me from trying, form agreeing, from vocalizing, from committing, then I’ll be less likely to move forward and make progress and do the healthy behaviors that lead to a healthy life.

Think of this situation: I agree to never skip a meal. Sometimes, I am still so tempted to skip meals. If an Eater’s Agreement is only to record the things I absolutely can do 100% of the time, then I wouldn’t include this. And then, let’s say, one day, I’m walking down the street, avoiding lunch. I’ll think about how I should eat lunch. But I don’t want to. So I don’t. End of story. Now try this scenario: I put “never skip a meal” in my Eater’s Agreement because I understand the importance of it, and I aspire to follow through. One day, I’m walking down the street, avoiding lunch. I’ll think about how I should eat lunch. Then I’ll think about how it was in my Eater’s Agreement to never skip lunch. Then that will remind me of the time I had at the PROGRAM where my body was in a rhythm, my food intake was stable and consistent. And then, because I agreed to it, and because I’m reminded of the PROGRAM, I eat lunch.

Whether or not I include a goal in my Eater’s Agreement might influence the likelihood of achieving or not achieving that goal.

If I include specific and ambitious things like “never skip a meal” on my Eater’s agreement…..

Worst Case Scenario: I don’t follow through, I skip a meal, it feels good, so I keep skipping meals, I end up back at the EDCC, and, eventually, write a new Eater’s Agreement.

Best case scenario: I know that it’s on my eater’s agreement, I’m reminded of everything I’ve learned at the PROGRAM, and that positively influence my behavior and I eat lunch, and I move on with my day.

And so, while I might wonder if I can trust myself to 100% comply with everything I say in my agreement, I believe I am much more likely to comply if I say it out loud to you all and write it down here. And so, the benefits of having an ambitious and specific Eater’s Agreement outweigh the guilt that might come with not following through on everything I’ve written.

Having said all that, here is my Eater’s Agreement. It includes everything I aspire towards in regards to eating, everything I believe to be important. And also, a quick note: This is a live document. As I continue through the PROGRAM, I will add to it. And, if you all have any advice or feedback, I will listen and consider adding your words as well.

I agree to never skip or skimp on a meal or a snack no matter what I “just ate” or “Ate yesterday” or “will eat tomorrow” even on very sedentary days.

• Brunch is a special case scenario that I will figure out later.
• This means eat breakfast
• And lunch
• And dinner
• And afternoon snack
• And evening snack
• There are probably some occasions where I can skip the snack because I had extra at lunch or dinner.
• For now, I’ll just accept the fact that I don’t get to have any of those occasions because, if I did, I’d find some way of thinking every afternoon and evening was one of those occasions
• So, I agree to discuss with other people when the time has come that I can actually recognize these occasions.
• Ah, that is such an frustrating thing to agree to, but I’m including it because I can see down the road of what happens when I start to convince myself I never need an afternoon snack. All that is is a food rule in disguise. So, fine, I agree to be patient. And I need to write it down here so that I think twice before skipping a snack.

I agree to systematically work my way through the wonderful world of food, and eat things I haven’t in years and things that would cause excess rumination so that, bite by bite, I continue to take the power out of food and put it back into my body and my taste buds.

I agree to ask myself the question: “How can I challenge my eating disorder today?” And, whatever my answer is, do that.

I agree to not compensate. Specifically, this means I agree to have days of eating more than required by my meal plan and follow those days with a totally normal day of eating the next day (meaning no exercise and no restriction).

I agree to not engage in “Eating disordered movement.” If I wouldn’t do the movement while someone who knew about my eating disorder was watching, then I agree to not do it alone either.

I agree to not cover myself up in “Gross” clothes because I ate “too much” the day before. If not getting fully ready in the morning is out of self-disgust, it’s not allowed. If I’m wearing jammies all day b/c I feel like being cozy, that’s allowed.

I agree to accept all calorie numbers and not have calorie ceilings. Anyway, the reality is that calorie counting is a mind thing, and eating is a body thing.

I agree to ask myself STAFF MEMBER's question, “Who’s talking – your body or your mind?” And then “What does your body have to say about that?”

I agree to no non-committal, weird eating because it perpetuates the cycle of guilt and I would never want someone else to eat that way.

I agree to doing what’s effective.

I agree to notice when a food or exercise rule is creeping into my mind, and then break that rule on purpose!

I agree to make myself answer the question “Why do you want to…..?” when I want to skip/skimp on something or exercise more than allotted. And then make myself follow the thought through until I realize the Worst Case Scenario is unlikely, impossible, or unavoidable, and/or not that bad.

I agree to not run… or, um, walk, coincidentally of course, for the amount of distance I was going to run for…. for a while. I am determined to run again one day – hopefully soon! But, I agree to add running back in in a slow and supervised way.

I agree to notice, label, accept, and manage my emotions. Specifically, I agree to notice when I’m feeling anxious and insecure.

• Remembering that when I feel “Frozen” it usually means I feel anxious
• Remembeirng that when I feel “Receeded” and “stuck” it usually means that I feel anxious and/or insecure.
• Remembering that when I feel like I must run or restrict, it usually means that I feel anxious or insecure.
• Remembering that disconnecting from those around me usually means I feel anxious and/or self-critical and insecure.
• Remembering that when I feel “sooo full” and fat it often means I feel anxious and/or self-critical and insecure too.

I agree to use effective and healthy techniques like self-talk and breathing to calm anxiety.

I agree to notice and correct my cognitive distortions. Specifically, I agree to notice when I’m jumping to conclusions and, instead, making the choice to try a new way, wait, and see. I agree to notice when I’m mislabeling myself some horrible name and, instead, change my language to be more accurate. And I agree when I’m falling prey to emotional reasoning and instead, look for evidence.

I agree to remind myself of what I have learned about fullness

• Fullness doesn’t make you gain weight.
• Fullness is unavoidable. As STAFF MEMBER said, “Well, yeah, I feel food in me. Because I just ate it.”
• Fullness is temporary
• Not feeling full is not an intention to bring to the table that makes sense.

I agree to ground myself in my history, the evidence, my body/the physical, and my values when I’m feeling anxious, scared, and resistant.

I agree to notice when I’m future and past-tripping and to pull myself back to the present.

I agree to notice when my mind is calling the shots and pull myself back into my body.

I agree to notice when I’m pulling away from people, and ask myself what I really want in life and in relationships and ask myself what am I afraid of.

I agree to do life-enriching activities on a regular basis.

I agree to talk to and make plans with friends

I agree to monitor how I spend my time and make sure all my time isn’t all going into the work bucket or the exercise bucket. On that note, I agree to develop other life buckets – like the intimate relationship bucket, friends bucket, family bucket, hobby bucket, spirituality bucket, etc. And to develop the little healthy voice inside of me that will guide me through life decisions – not just eating decisions – and help me be my best self.

I agree to Identify what I want, like, and need and use that information to take care of myself and develop myself.

I agree to vocalize clearly what I want, like, and need.

How else do I increase the likelihood of actually following through on all I agree to? The bottom line is I have to be self-aware and scrupulously honest with myself. How do I do that? I agree to journal so that I see patterns, practice mindfulness, and I agree to talk about myself to others. I agree to check in with others so that I’m forced to remember and to self-monitor.

And, by doing all of this, I will not be settling for a life at hovering at functionally eating disordered. Instead, I will be living the secret that I am learning here at the PROGRAM. The secret is that, turns out, you don’t have to avoid food or certain foods. Turns out, your body doesn’t have rules about eating – that’s just your mind and society. Turns out, your body is a genius – and your taste buds are part of that genius body of yours… and, if we can listen to it, nothing will be out of control. Rather, we will be very, very in control, energized optimally, present and comfortable within ourselves. Maybe many people in this country are unknowingly settling for hovering at disorderedly eating – or at least disorderedly thinking about food. But I will surpass that. I won’t hover. I will live comfortably in myself, trusting my body, trusting my taste buds, and trusting the little healthy voice inside me that will guide me through my life decisions. And then I will try to spread the word about this little secret called self-trust!