Program Day 54 (Wed) and Program day 55 (Thurs)

RESPONSE TO COMMENTS:

EMILY H: Hi back! So true, supporting others in their fight against their ED totally helps me in my own fight. As for yoga... at first I didn't like it because it either wasn't active enough or because it was hard. Holding poses is tiring and hard! The first time I went, I felt weak and inflexible, bored and annoyed. As I continued to go, I started to see yoga as a metaphor for life... in order to get through yoga, you must learn how to connect with your breath and find an inner-calm even while you're physically discomfortable and holding some pose. This, to me, was like life. Even when the events of life are stressful, we must learn to develop an inner calm that is stable. And so, I saw value in yoga through that metaphor... and so it made me want to keep practicing. As I practiced, I focused mostly on trying to get to that inner calm place and on trying to move with my breath and feel my breath. Seeing this as the purpose to yoga made me like it more. I also now see the purpose in yoga in developing strength. The poses really do make me feel confident and strong. I still am a beginner, but I plan on continuing to practice. To open your mind to liking it, you have to not see it as a replacement for running or whatever other exercise form you may do. You have to find value in what it can offer - developing strength and finding calm in difficult situations. That's my experience anyway..... Have a great day!

MALPAZ: Sometimes it is hard to help others and keep up with yourself... and sometimes it is in helping others that you are able to keep up with yourself, you know? The danger for me is that, when I help others, I begin to see myself as "the helper," and then, when I struggle, I feel like I shouldn't admit it. This, though, is false. I must remember that it helps others when you're open about your own struggles too. Hope you're doing well! PS: Do you speak Spanish? Is that where the name Malpaz comes from? like bad peace?

EMMY: I know what you mean about being mad at people who are hard on you in the moment but, in hindsight, being really grateful. There are certain times in the recovery process when me helping others probably wouldn't have been as good of an idea... it probably would have just thrown me off. Right now, it's something that I can handle and that, most of the time, is even helpful for me.

HEATHER: I get so excited everytime you comment! How's the internet situation going? I smile so big when you tell me you're proud of me. I sort of see you as a guide to me in sorts... so thank you! It's really cool that you ask yourself about what I would do. That really makes me feel good. I hope you're doing well!! I feel like I know you so well even through brief e-mail/blog exchanges...

CAROLINE: Thank you for reading and, yes! keep fighting the fight! You totally deserve to live your life without giving any thoughts to what you can eat or should eat. You deserve the best!

THE LETTING GO: You are sooooo right. the ED can TOTALLY blow things out of proportion. When you do ask yourself "What's the worst that could happen?" You often find that the "worst" is impossible, improbable, or not really that bad after all. Then ask yourself "What's the best that could happen?" And, sometimes, you realize that the best is pretty awesome - if it "the best" is just a lesson about how much your body can actually handle. I'm a curious person so, often, I'm curious enough to know if my body can handle the food, and that's why I eat it. Or I'm curious to know that if I eat X... will I truly get hungry again? And to know the answers to those questions... to know the truth... that is a very awesome thing. I know it's so hard, and I know you feel full when you eat... but fullness seriously does not equal weight gain. Normal eaters who are slim people all over this world feel full several times a day. Fullness isn't as threatening as we've trained ourselves to think it is. And I promise you become less sensitive to the feeling over time.

LUCIE: Wow, what a comment. THANK YOU! And thank you for saying hi :) I wish I could give you a hug right now! Thank you, and I hope you're doing well. Have a good day!

SARAH C: Thank you for confirming that I did the right thing. Tough love is totally hard to deal out, but it's definitely does show respect; you're right about that.

• This post is a day late because yesterday (thursday), I spent my time after program taking a quick jump into the pool, hours upon hours being perfectionistic about a job application, and talking with a friend who came to sleep over. But, back to Thursday...

• I skipped my evening snack thurs night. Why? I just wanted a quick break from food. And it was easy to take that break because I wasn't hungry and I wasn't craving food. And... and.... and I knew it would make me feel better about eating breakfast with Tracy the next day if I just skipped my snack. I had a general cal count in my head and I knew that if I ate my snack the # would not cause weight gain - nor would it freak me out (WOW - THAT IS NEW - KNOWING THAT THAT PARTICULAR # WOULDN'T CAUSE WEIGHT GAIN, NOT BEING AFRAID OF THAT PARTICULAR #....WOW, THAT'S NEW!) But, looking back, skipping that snack was risky. It makes eating the evening snack a bigger deal the next day. Looking back on my Worst Eating Disordered Day essay, it's risking setting me back to a place where I'm mostly focused on my food, my body, myself. It's risking taking my thoughts and hijaking them, and making me tiptoe around food. Skipping the snack is not worth the risk... not worth it. So why did I skip it? To feel a bit better... What does that mean? It means I wanted a break from feeling like I'm always living on the border of too much - too much food, too much wondering if the food was too much.... I don't know. But I really know I shouldn't do it again.

• Other food on Thurs was:

Bfast: 1/2 whole wheat pita with 2 eggs + bowl of strawberries

Snack: Lemonade froma kids' stand !!! (holler! I didn't throw it away!)

Lunch: 3/4 cup millet/bean mix + 3/4 cup low-fat cottage cheese + salad with 1 tbspn LF dressing

Snack at the program but packed by me: 1/2 cup blueberries + 1.5 tbspn PB

Dinner at the program, served by the program: spaghetti, sauce, meatballs, cheese

Mini-snack at night: 2 chocolate covered almonds

• In group we read a poem, this is how the poem went:

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

--Jelaluddin Rumi

So, the therapist made a point that she liked this poem because it talks about you as a guest house for thoughts/emotions. When you feel something or think something, you don't need to be afraid of it; rather, you are a GUEST house for it. You can welcome it in and hear it's message. But, the point is that you are a GUEST house - so, then, after you hear what the thought/feeling is saying, you can then guide it to the door and escort it out.

So, the therapist left with the question: What is knocking on your door right now?

And this is what I thought: FEAR is knocking at my door. I have fear about 3 things:

1. I'm having these thoughts that surprise me because they're so unusual in their positivity and self-acceptance. I'm having thoughts about body-acceptance. I'm at this weight and thinking that it'd be a fine thing to just maintain it. I'm planning on not aiming to lose weight. I'm also having thoughts about self-accpetance of a broader nature. I'm thinking that my thoughts, feelings, wants are valid. I'm starting to feel confident in expressing myself and asserting what I want. I'm starting to feel like I'm a pretty good person (not the best person in the world, but not the worst either). I'm starting to even feel more capable in what I can do, capable in my ablities to face the future. And these feelings are NEW. And I wonder: Is it okay that I'm accepting my body size? Is it okay that I'm feeling capable? Is it okay that I'm accepting myself? Is this really okay? I mean, hey, I don't want to just let myself go! I don't want to accept things I shouldn't accept! Is it really okay that I'm just thinking more positive things about myself and my body? These thoughts scare me. Yes, they make life more enjoyable, but they also scare me.
2. I'm also afriad that I'll give into the temptation to play with the ED hard core for a week. I keep having this thought that goes something like this: "Just restrict hard core for a week. Just get hungry and faded just super hard core for a week. Just skip a whole bunch of meals and snacks just for a week." And that thought scares the shit out of me! I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo afraid I'll give into it. I can't even tell you how afraid I am. What if I say yes to it?! Holy shit it scares me so badly.... and you know what? Now I'm at this place where, yes, I have urges and thoughts - frequently as a matter of fact - but I KNOW how to overcome them. I have the mental tools to overcome these thoughts. I have the tools and the inner power to challenge my urges and win. I KNOW how to not act on them. Therefore, if I chose to give in to the ED and go play with it hard core for a week... that would be my CHOICE. It wouldn't be because I just didn't have the tools... it would be because I made the CHOICE to go back. And that scares me shitless!
3. I'm also afraid that, as I move forward in life, I'll forget that I ever had an ED, I'll forget how important it is to self-monitor. I'm afraid I'll de-prioritize honestly monitoring my behaviors, I'll de-prioritize being accountable and eating. I'm so afraid that I'll just forget about all of this. I'm so afraid I'll stop taking care of myself. I'm afraid I'll slip because I will forget that this matters or something...

So, I spoke about this fear in group. And the therapist addressed the second fear of the two. She said that instead of just working so hard to not let the fears in and turning one eye away from them, pretending they're not there.... I should instead open the door and ask the fear what it says.

I might say, "Hi, Fear, what do you have to say? Oh, you say I should go play with the ED hard core for a week? Ok, thank you for the message. I'll take it from here. (And, just that, just acknowleding that makes me feel a tteeeeny bit less afraid). Hm... Hi, Message, I wonder why you are here. I wonder why Fear wnats me to play with the ED hard core. What would that give me? What message is that sending me? (And your job is to answer that question).

I don't know if I've answered that question, but I do think I have come up with a way to stop being afraid of the thought for now. This morning, I was telling this fear to Tracy. And, as I was talking to her, I talked myself into this realization: When I ground myself in what I want to do and who I want to be, I laugh at the idea of going to play with the ED for a week. So, here are some of my goals:

1. I want to be a grown woman who is a living example of someone who is comfortable in her body. Ok, that's who I want to be. And I'm starting to become that woman.... starting to. So, remembering that that's the type of person I want to be, then I know that it's really okay for me to begin to let go of body worries. When I am reminded that I am just becoming the person I want to be, I become happy and less afraid. I don't want to be a grown woman shivering in the pool with her kids. I don't want to be a grown woman who is body conscious - and eating diet food. And when I realize that making the choice to not accept my perfectly fine body size would be making the choice to become that annoying grown woman who is agonizing over her stomach size, then it's so much easier to be at peace with the fact that I am starting to accept myself. Choosing to not wonder so much about if my body REALLY is okay like this is the same as choosing to grow up to be a mature, adult woman who lives with body comfort and does her part to stop fat talk and body hate. Grounding myself in WHO I WANT TO BE.... helps me to not feel afraid that I'm starting to accept myself.

2. Also, right now, I'm looking towards moving forward in life. I'm applying for jobs. I want financial independence again. I want a robust life - with a job and friends and a relationship and hobbies. And so let's go back to the message of "Go play with restriction hard core for a week?" What would that give me? It would give me a break from having to think about job apps and moving and independence and... future. But, do I REALLY want a break from that? No. i don't. I don't REALLY want a break from growing back into independence. But choosing to focus so much on restriction and calories and reducing calories, etc..... that would be shifting my focus away from developing a robust life and it would be putting my focus onto my food intake and my body size. If I go on a mission to get the ED back, then all those thoughts that go into accomplishing that mission... all those thoughts get taken from some other place... and that some other place is my future and the development of a robust and meaningful life. So, I don't want that. But why might FEAR want me to go restrict? Maybe because I'm afraid of the future and moving forward. Well, yeah! Of course! The future is effing scary. Independence and money and jobs and and and and and.... it's all uncertain (oh, uncertainty - people with eating disorders love uncertainty, don't we haha). But you know what? I can accept that going forward will be scary and uncertain. That's life. Life is filled with lots of good things - but life is also scary and uncertain... and I can accept that. Plus, going back into the ED wouldn't give me a "back door" exit out of life (unless I died, which obviously is not the plan)... all going back to the ED would do would be delay life. So, that message? The message that said go play with the ED hard core for a week. It was there to save me from the uncertainty and the fear of moving forward back into an independnet life. and, with that, I thank the message, I thank the fear, I acknowledge that moving forward is scary.... but I also acknowledge that it's what I want to do. And so, I will take the fear that comes with moving forward because I think it will be worth it. And, anyway, going back into the ED doesn't get me out of having to move forward... all it does is delay the process.

• This is totally random... you know how when you're eating something and you like part of it much better than the other part? (Like maybe you like the meatballs on spaghetti better than the noodles... or visa versa). Often, my reaction used to be to "save the best for last" and eat the stuff I didn't like first so that I got the best taste in my mouth as the last taste... the taste that would linger and that I'd remember. In 2nd grade I'd do this with my lunch boxes. If my mom packed me a pudding cup, I'd eat the pudding cup last because I wanted the chocoaltey flavor as my last bite. But, lately, I've been having a different thought about all of this: When I eat, the first bites are my favorite. The last bites... well, I must take them because I must get all of my food in, but they're not as enjoyable simply because I've already been eating... I'm getting full so it's not as enjoyable to keep eating... So, lately, I eat my favorite part of the meal first - because those bites are the most enjoyable. :) [There's obviously no right or wrong here, and maybe I'll change my thought on this tomorrow]

• I can't get over how much your body needs! I really can't. You need a lot more food than you'd think. Sometimes i have a thought about how important it is to feed yourself... to take time out of your day - hungry or not - to give your body it's next dose of lovin' (food).

• I have completely done a 180 with how I think a/b food sometimes (Trust me, I know I still have more work to do). But, I mean, for example, sometimes I pick up food and think "oh, not enough calories... what's the point in this? I'd rather just eat something more calorie dense." I think this is because, most of the time, I do have a commitment to eating enough (sometimes it hovers on the boarder of enough and not-quite-enough)... but I have a commitment to eating a ton more than I was... and, because of that, I have to TRY to get my food in. So, it's funny, because I'll look at something like 1/4 cup trail mix. I used to think "Nearly 200 calories for this teeny thing?! I could eat an egg white omelette + an apple + salad with salsa + etc. etc. etc. for nearly 200 calories so why the heck would I eat trail mix?" And now... now I look at trail mix and I think things like, "Sweet! nearly 200 calories in that small amount! Perfect!" (Now, I also want to make it that I'm not in denial about where I am... I know I still ruminate and have head chatter that I have to overcome multiple times a day.... I know I'm not "done").

• My friend today told me that I'm inspiring to be around and that she feels more motivated when she's with me. That seriously was one of the biggest compliments I have ever received. It seriously warmed my heart to know that that's how she feels. Later, a new woman - who came this week - told me that I have said some things that have some "really good things to say." She said that I've really helped her this week. That, too, just... SOOO touches me. So much. I care so deeply about all of the clients and, sure, I connect with some more than others.... but my heart just truly goes out to EVERYONE.

• Some day, some day soon, I want to write about what exactly it was that happened, that came together, that I learned, that allowed things to start clicking, start sinking in, and start working. At the same time, I know all too well that I've done well in the past, gotten overly confident, and then crashed. This time is different in a couple of ways: 1) I've definitely never ever ever done anywhere near this well. 2) I'm very afraid of crashing. I've never been afraid of crashing before.

• Sometimes, our hunger is off. I know that people say that, but it really is. For example, I woke up today and my first thought was about how I'm definitely not hungry. Moreover, I decided I was still full. The food from yesterday was still in me. This must be proof that I'm eating too much! And now what am I going to do about the breakfast I have to eat with Tracy and the lunch that I have to bring to the program and and and and..... and so the head spins. And then the anxiety rises. It rises because of all these fears that pop up that I don't even know are true. Fear: I ate too much yesterday and that's why I'm not hungry this morning. Fear: I can't keep eating since I haven't reached a certain level of hunger yet or I'll just... get out of control and gain weight and be doing the wrong thing... But then I paused. I knew I was going to have to eat breakfast anyway. And, you know what, as I calmed down, it occurred to me that, in fact, I was hungry. Not all hunger is so strong that your stomach is collapsing on itself. Just because you have a more mild form of hunger doesn't mean you should skip the meal or restrict the meal. And... so, I ate. And then I ate lunch. And then... weird thing... I got hungry... and so I ate a bigger snack the planned. In the past, I would have woken up, freaked out that I wasn't hungry enough, and restricted. This would have kept me in some sort of tip-toe-around-food state. It would have kept me living in fear... of eating. It would have kept me stuck, paralyzed with my focus only on my intake/body. It would have kept me living by rules that make no sense and are totally unnecessary. But - I repeat - the main thing is it would have kept me thinking X% on food/hunger/body when that X% could be going towards other things. But the fact that I ate breakfast and then kept eating, it opened me up to my body saying "thank you... a few hours later I'd like more." Eating opened me up to hunger, opened me up to being in touch with my body, opened me up to having access to my full personality.

• Tracy and I spoke about calorie counting today. Not calorie counting leaves me with a freeing feeling. It also leaves me with a nervous feeling. It's like I feel free and then realize I'm riding on a ride with no seat belt and momentarily freak out. She said (and I agree) that we have to just keep chipping away at eliminating the calorie counting. I'm totally on board. This week, I will do 2 additional days of no calorie counting AND follow the meal plan 100% on those days. Tracy said she'd rather have me do 1 day of no cal counting with 100% of MP following than do 2 days of no cal counting but eliminate/skimp on a meal/snack.

• Tracy made a good point about calorie counting. She told me that, just like when I gave up (temporarily! I will resume this one day!) running, I had floods/waves... huge waves... of uncomfortable feelings. But I lived through them. I was able to continue on with my day despite those feelings. I found ways of handling them. And now, the urges to run are significantly reduced, and the waves are much more bearable. She compared that to calorie counting. If I can learn to tolerate the discomfort of giving up exercise; I can learn to tolerate the discomfort that can come with giving up calorie counting.

• So, today was a day of no calorie counting. To do this, I purposely ate foods for which I definitely could not accurately count - foods with no labels, foods prepared for me that I did not measure. In addition, I was just very aware of my thoughts. When I started to think of calories, list them, starting to add them, I was aware this was happening.... this awareness allowed me to day "NO. NOT GOING THERE. NO." And I chased the thought away. I focused on something else. I just made some other thought other than cal thoughts louder in order to drown them out. Even if the louder thought had to be "no, not going there." I just said "no, not going there" loud enough to myself that it's impossible to count. Seriously, try talking to yourself in your head and calorie counting at the same time - it's not very possible.

• How did not calorie counting affect my eating? I picked things I wanted. I actually did listen to my body (I ate a bigger snack in the afternoon than my meal plan calls for). I haven't yet eaten an evening snack, and I don't want one, but I'm not going to think about it for a couple of hours. All in all, the day of no calorie counting leaves me feeling: free, really content, smiling, just very alive! It also leaves a part of me worrying a bit... but I'm successfully kind of ignoring the part of me that worries.

• Today as I was going from Tracy's to the program, I started thinking about waht I ate for breakfast with Tracy and then worrying about what I was going to eat for lunch at the program. My thoughts were very eating disordered... focusing on the negative... all that food... too much food... will I feel too full?.... will my body handle it? And then I caught myself thinking this and said, "Wait. what would a healthy, normal eater be thinking right now?" And that's when it dawned on me: They'd be thinking :MMMM WHAT AN AMAZING FOOD DAY! I GET TO EAT SO MANY YUMMY THINGS TODAY! THIS IS LIKE A PERFECT FOOD DAY! I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BREAKFAST TASTED SO GOOD AND NOW I GET TO EAT A GREAT LUNCH TOO! I'M SO EXCITED!" So then I started thinking that... just saying that to myself.... and, you know, it did make me look forward to lunch a little more.

• Food today (Thurs) was:

Breakfast with Tracy: Fruit and Nut scone + 12 oz vanilla soy latte

Lunch from whole foods but eaten at program: 1 quinoa cake (like a crab cake but a quinoa cake) + 5.25 oz (weight) curry chicken salad (chicken, almonds, currants, curry mayo) + an orange

Snack: macadamia, walnut, cranberry bar + 1 square of dark chocolate

Dinner at restaurant with my family: PBJ sandwich (I really wanted it!) + small handful of chips

(I look at that food and think that it seems like a lot. My mind thinks it seems like a lot and therefore it tells me I will not be hungry again for forever! But, if I ground myself in my body, my body actually was hungry for all of the food I ate today, and it was never once too full afterwards - it was satisfied, it felt food in me, and that is not always the easiest feeling, but that is not an "overeating full")

• I helped my friend make an ED goal sheet for herself to help her eliminate behaviors. I really enjoyed helping her with that.

• In group we were asked the question: "What are you most struggling with with your ED right now? How is it affecting your food? And how is it affecting your relationships?"

Ok - update - I was about to go to bed w/ no evening snack, when I looked down at my goal list from Tracy. I noticed that she had included "Eat 100% of Meal Plan." And so.... I went back downstairs and ate: 1 graham cracker sheet, 1 square of dark chocolate, and 1/2 a banana (I kind of made a little sandwich out of it). Also, before eating it, I got real with my self and my body. Was I full? No. Was I hungry? Not famished. Did I think a little somethin' something' would taste nice? Yes. Do I want to risk going backwards? No. What's the worst that can happen? This snack will make me gain 1 ounce of weight. Big deal. Anything else bad that could happen? It will make me too full to eat tomorrow? I know better than to think that a snack at 9pm will make me too full to eat 12 hours from now. That's just not how biology works. And, even if that did happen, even if I did have to eat while I was full. Fullness doesn't equal weight gain. Fullness goes away. Fullness is pretty insignificant and meaningless. And waht's the worst that could happen if I didn't eat the snack? Well, I'd start to not want to eat the snack tomorrow, and then the next day.... and, well, that happened to me a few weeks ago and that culminated in some very restrictive 2 days which scared the shit out of me. Do I want to risk taking my focus off of my future and off of becoming someone I'm proud to be for the sake of saving .1 ounces on the scale? For the sake of feeling a hunger high? No. I'm better than that. You are all better than that too. And, anyway, do graham crackers/bananas/chocolate taste good? YUP. Did I notice the taste? Not really b/c I was in my head... but am I proud of myself for eating it? Yeah. And that's all I need for now. And do I feel guilty and have worries a/b this snack? OH BIG TIME!!!!!! But you know what? It is not effective to engage in those thoughts... so I'm closing the computer before I even type about them.... moving on.....