Program Day 52

RESPONSE TO COMMENTS FROM LAST POST:

Sarah/Mariposa: Thank you for your comment. I know that recovery won't eliminate emotions, and I'm okay with that. It's hard when you don't know *what* your'e feeling though... but I guess, like you said, it's okay to not know sometimes. I just need more practice in managing that internal energy when I feel it.

The Letting go: You're welcome! Thank you for the thoughtful comment! It makes me *SO* happy to know that I can have a positive influence on you. It's so true.. the body can handle *SOOO* much more food than I thought. I seriously have trippled or quadrupled my food intake since beginning the program... but my weight has not trippled in response. You can't always understand the body. One thing I've learned is that you don't have to understand everything in order for it to work... Like, you might think, how is it possible that I can eat X calories / day and not gain X pounds in one week? Well, I don't know exactly what is happening with every calorie that goes in to my body.. I can't track them all and make sure they're all getting used propoerly... but, somehow, it works out... somehow, I get hungry again... somehow, my weight doesn't keep getting higher and higher and higher. Your weight reaches a certain point (and htis point is NOT a fat point - your body wont' do that) and then it just likes to stay here.. and I'm learning, once your weight is at a place where it likes to stay (which I promise you will not be a fat place), you can eat a lot more than you ever thought possible... and it will just stay there. This was something I did not believe at all would be true until I was forced (through program) to try it. What you say a/b learning to sit in emotions and not do anything to fix them is so true. Emotions just are.. they're not bad... we don't have to freak out when we feel them and "do" something a/b them... we can just let them uncomfortably hang out in our bodies... And then learn the valuable lesson that they do lesson and leave after a while.

Jame: Thanks! yeah, I was proud of how I handled the family tension. I like what you say a/b it being better to try to solve the problem than just dwelling in it. Also, thanks so much for noticing improvement. I feel so much better than I did when I first started writing the blog. And I'm afraid to go back to how I was in earlier posts... that's my motivation to keep going!

Eliza: That's so funny ab trying to get alcohol to count towards a grain! Thank you soooo much for your compliment. IT means so much to me to know that I can help you remember why you want to recover. You should know that reading about your PHP helped me not fear going to my php so much. So thank you!

Emmy: HI! Thank you! I'm SOOO proud of you for using the index card for breakfast! WAY to identify your challenge and take care of yourself by making the index cards. Just as you've noticed, the more you use them, the easier it becomes. Thanks for the shout out to the tortellini. I'm excited to try it again!

Angela: Hi! Welcome! Thanks for saying hi! Thank you so much for believing in me! How was PHP for you? How are you doing now?

DAY 52:

• I feel so free today. So content. This sounds cheesy, but I feel like I'm taking down bars of the ED prison... and it's like you didn't even know the bar was there until you take it down. I just feel so.... happy. I appreciate these feelings and these moments.

• This morning I woke up and I had homemade pancakes (thick, dense, full of flax and wheat germ and oats) instead of the frozen waffles. The only reason I would eat frozen waffles over homemade pancakes is because I can calorie count frozen waffles. That's a bad reason. I told myself, "If I could go Friday without calorie counting the day, then I can do it for breakfast today too." I started to calorie count, while eating - even though I didn't know the exact amount, I just guessed and doubled it for good measure of course - but I caught myself starting and just stopped and said "NO! NOT GOING THERE!" and forced the thoughts out and forced myself to think of something else.

• In between breakfast and lunch - a couple of times - I found myself freezing up, feeling food in me (or thinking I felt food in me... not sure which one) - and worrying "Uh-oh, I don't want to have to eat the huge program lunch. I'm not hungry for the huge program lunch." But I caught myself... reminded myself that I was future tripping, that lunch was still 4 hrs, 3 hrs, 2 hrs, whatever away, and that I don't know what I'll feel in that many hours and that I don't need to worry or think a/b lunch until then. This happened repeatedly: 1) Think a/b future. 2) Conclude I can't eat lunch in the future. 3) Identify this as future tripping. 4) Remind myself there is nothing wrong with the present and the present is all I care about. 5) Remind myself that it's okay to not be hungry for lunch b/c lunch is still X hrs away. 6) Remind myself that the feeling of non-emptiness is okay and not threatening and I'm allowed to feel it. 7) Remind myself to focus my energy externally, lift my head high, and move on with my day.

• Also caught myself feeling frozen and "full" (probably just overthinking due to a bit of anxiety a/b the pancake breakfast. I wasn't actually as full... I was just hyper aware of things in my stomach). When I feel like this I have a hard time being happy and engaging and relating to people. But I caught myself wanting to sink into myself. And said, "nope, stand tall. You can eat a non-calorie=-counted-breakfast and still be in a good mood." And that worked. It just took some reminding. But I literally would straighten up, put my shoulders up and back, lift my head, and say "you are still you... greet the world" (even though you ate pancakes).

• I have a great cookie story! So, I eat lunch at program on Saturdays, but I pack it - everyone does - PHP and IOP alike. Anyway, I packed a cookie - like usual - a Mrs. Field's cookie that comes in a package where it tells me it has 160 cals in it. Sometimes I pack 2 milanos - 140 cals. Point is: I've always packed a cookie that allows me to calorie count. Well, this morning, I was at the farmer's market, and there was a baked goods stand. The baked goods smelled delicious and the woman who sold them was so sweet. The chocolate chip cookie looked incredible - looked super clonky (if you know what I mean) and homemade and kind of tall (like not flat and circular). It definitely looked better than the MRs. Field's pre-packaged cookie. If I were to eat this cookie, I wouldn't be able to calorie count. But I also had a goal to eat a cookie that was fresh and not labeled with a cal #. So I figured "If I could not calorie count on Friday... and if I could do it for breakfast... then I can do it for lunch too." And so I bought the cookie and had it with my lunch. OMG, the cookie was SOOO good. SOOO good. And I didn't know the calories, but instead of focusing on not knowing the calories, I put my energy towards my taste buds and just ENJOYED.

• I used to only bring 2 milanos (psh!)... then I brought 1 MRs. Field's cookie.... today I brought an ACTUALLY really good cookie. And I think back to me bringing 2 milanos and think "Man, I was missing out."

• We took our lunches to the park today, and I was so content at park. I ate my lunch (including my cookie). Then I lay on the grass, in the shade, feeling satisfied, not having any numbers in my head, feeling the breeze, smiling and talking with another girl. Then I played frisbee. (I ran to catch the frisbee in the air and the RD was like, as a joke, "Want some ensure for that jog you just did?") And I just felt so.... free... so peaceful.

• Last weekend, I went on a walk... while on the walk I noticed that the sky was beautiful, I noticed it was peaceful... but I also noticed how I wasn't present in the natural peacefulness of my environment b/c I couldn't stop calorie counting. Compare that to today.... the difference is like.... just so freeing.

• I had a session with my program therapist. I really like her a lot. She's so easy to get along with. She's not far from my age. I hug her after every session... I would never hug Jane I don't think. Today my program therapist was drinking Mountain Dew during our session. I like that. We talked about:

--breaking down ED prison bars and how you don't even notice they were up sometimes until they're gone.

--I gave her a food update (restricted a tiny bit at pm snack and dinner last night, otherwise, I've been following mp 100%)

--I am going to write reflections on progress towards each of my official treatment goals over the weekend.

--We talked about being sensitive and the pros and cons that come with that and how to manage sensitivity.

--Honestly, I don't even know what she talked a/b. She let the session run over - so we spoke for like 1 hr, 15 min (which is super nice of her)... but it's not like we really uncovered anything major... it's just nice to have someone who believes in me so much and who doesn't let me settle for less than 100% free.

• I skimped on my afternoon snack... I probably shouldn't have done that. What I should ahve done is eaten it all and then discussed if I could have skimped on it or not. I just seriously wasn't hungry AT. ALL. I admit there's a possibility that I somehow managed to convince myself I wasn't hungry since I wasn't cal counting and since I ate the pancake and the cookie... but I don't *think* that's what was happening. Anyway, the program has 3 levels of snacks (they're caloric levels... they don't label them by the calorie amount, but we all know...). I am on the middle level of snacks. Anyway, I decided to just alter my snack so it would be down a level. My index card said: 3/4 cup low-fat yogurt + serving of fruit. I chose to just ignore the yogurt and eat the fruit. I do think that my body did not want the whole snack... I really do think so.... but, still, maybe it's bad that I did that?

• I guess if I'm perfectly honest, I'm giving myself more freedom to skimp on things in the last two days because I'm not calorie counting. I figure "since I don't know the calories in things, it's possible I'm eating more than before, therefore it would make sense that my body would want less later." I'm trying to monitor this by hunger levels.... anyway, I will say this to the program RD on Monday and to Tracy next week just so that they know that this is what's happening in my head, and I'll listen to feedback about it.

• And on the note of honesty - right now, post dinner, I feel a bit uneasy... a bit weird... I don't know if what I ate is okay today. I don't know the calories. I really didn't keep a tally and i'm not about to make up one. I didn't exercise. I'm trying to ground myself in my body, but it's hard. I dont' think I feel too full or too hungry. I think I'm okay... but this is just the risk I'm taking. And the benefit is that I get those moments like the one in the park today. And the point is to take this risk... to sit with this uneasiness of not knowing the calories.... and, over time, I'll learn that it's okay to not know the calories. I'll learn that my body can handle the food even without me keeping track of it.... so... I sit here with this uneassiness b/c I want to find out... I want to find out if my body can handle the food even when I don't know the calories for everything. I want to find out if, in fact, I do get hungry again, in time for the next snack. I want to find out if my weight can stabilize without knowing the calories. And, thus, I wait. I sit b/c this uneassiness is worth learning the lesson that I dont' need to calorie count. There are normal weighted ppl all over the world who eat pancakes and cookies and don't calorie count. If they can, I can. So... I sit... not sure if I ate the "right" amount or not... but... willing to risk it for the sake of learning to eat without calorie counting.

• The good thing a/b not calorie counting, though, is that... it forces me to check in with my body. It forces me to answer the question, "How does your body feel about this?" It's hard to know what my body is saying... but it's forced practice in becoming more grounded in my body. Like, now, that dinner has been over for about an hour, I notice I'm not at all too full. I can sense that I'm on my way to ended up hungry again before I go to sleep. If I try to think in calories, my mind might say, "No one gets hungry again after eating X cals in a day." But w/o that calorie data in my mind, I can't use my mind to say that. My only guide really is my meal plan and my body. So although eating w/o a calorie tally in my head is new and strange and.. foreign.... it's good. it' sgood practice for getting in touch with my body... and that's the ultimate goal anyway. And I think it's the case that our bodies want a lot more food than we every thought they would!

• Food today was:

BFAST: 1 homemade dense whole wheat flax seed wheat germ oatmeal pancake + 1/2 cup low-fat yogurt + 1 cup raspberries

LUNCH: 1 whole wheat pita (both halves) + 1/2 cup hummus + 1.25 cups sliced strawberries + farmer's market chocolate chip cookie

SNACK: 1/2 cup grapes (skimped. I was supposed to also include 3/4 cup yogurt)

DINNER: all unmeasured, on a plate: whole wheat penne with cheese spinkled on top, some grilled fish, salad with raisins and dried apple and avocado and dressing and some kombucha squash.

EVENING SNACK: yet to be had but I'm committing right now to having it. I predict I will be hungry by around 10pm for a snack...

• Tonight I'm meeting a program friend to go to the movies... speaking of which... I need to get my butt in gear and get ready!