DAY OFF 15

• I'm really content right now. Here are all the things that are good in this moment: my teeth are brushed and my mouth feels clean; I am in my gramma's pajama pants that look like they were made for oompa loompas (not code for "big" - they literally have a funny shape to them) and they have pockets; I'm in bed; there's a breeze blowing in my window; I have time to read and write before falling asleep.
• I'm looking forward to tomorrow because I'm going to go into program a couple of hours early and have some time to myself to do my assignments. I'm looking forward to this time. Assignments are:

1. "Write a detailed description of the woman you want to be."
2. "Write about the mother role I take on in relationships; what does this role do for me? what is the danger of taking on this role? How do I want the dynamic in my relationships to be? What do I need to change in order for them to be like that?"
3. Why do I feel stifled at program lately? Why do I isolate myself from the common room lately when at program?
4. How does stress affect body image?

• Today (and yesterday) I kept feeling really weak... really not energetic... and hungrier than normal. It wasn't empty stomach hunger, it was like whole body hunger... hunger of the blood or something. It took me by surprise because I've been eating what I'm supposed to eat for the most part. Anyway, I did respond to my hunger. I did eat.

• I've had really bad body image lately. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if my body really is changing or not. Today I could have sworn that my pants were suddenly too small. I keep reminding myself that it's impossible to gain tons of weight in one week and I wasn't feeling this enormous last week. Then I remind myself that even if I did gain 3 pounds, I still wouldn't be "Fat." "Fat" would be the wrong word. And THEN I say to myself, "Woah there... what is up with all this body size chatter up there?! This is not what matters. this is not who you are. This is not what you value. This has nothing to do with the person you want to be." And - with that - it's like I grab my body size thoughts, smash them down, and purposely start thinking/focusing on something else. But this is only effective for so long. Because, 10 min later, I have to notice the body image thoughts, acknowledge them, and escort them out of my brain again.... and, 10 min later... I have to do it again. All because I want to be someone who isn't so hung up on body size.

• I know this isn't an effective response, but I also get kind disappointed in myself that I even have these body thoughts. I guess I can pat myself on the back for doing what I need to do again and again and again and again all throughout the day. That is, I can pat myself on the back for, repeatedly, noticing the body thoughts, acknowledging them, and then setting them to the side. But I am disappointed that I even have these thoughts. I guess I am judging myself for having them.... for spending brain power on such a petty/vain thing. I wish my brain didn't spend its time this weekend thinking a/b my body size. I just feel shallow. I'm working to train my brain to go distract itself in a way that is actually in line iwth my values... but I'm just embarassed that I even think a/b my body in the critical/comparing way I do now. It's stupid. It's not me.

• What is my trigger? What is it that triggers me to focus so much on my body size some weeks? What was it about this past weekend that made me compare myself to others bodies in an effort to find out the truth a/b my own body: is it too big or not? I know all this focus on body stuff is just a freaking distraction - so that I don't have to think a/b something else. But what is that "Something else?" What changed in the last week or two that I've all of the sudden started thinking a/b my body and feeling less comfortable in my body lately?

• I am working on bringing intention back to my eating. That gorunds me in the present.

• Food today was:

Breakfast at a hotel buffet: 1/2 cup cottage cheese (the scooper thing had measuring marks on it) with 1/2 a banana; 1/2 cup oatmeal with 1 spoonful raisins and 1/2 a banana

I was really proud of this breakfast. At hotel breakfasts, I've never before gotten two things. I always get just a piece of fruit or just a carton of yogurt or just a packet of oatmeal. But, today, I was feeling protein deprived and I was craving oatmeal - so I chose this breakfast. At first I was htinking "what should I eat? oatmeal or cotage cheese?" And then I thought a/b how, if I saw someone else eating both I'd think it was normal. So I let myself eat both. And a weird feeling followed: I felt the food in me and it felt so good. I felt so satisfied. I felt like saying "finally! I was so hungry yesterday adn FINALLy I feel full." Weird, huh, that I was seeking out that full/satisfied feeling.... But I was I guess. But, yeah, I felt like this breakfast was a big deal for me. And, while I was eating it, I was thinking back to breakfasts I used to eat and wondering how on earth I lived off of my old breakfasts back in the day.... they were like negative calories. How did my body work? Anyway. I also was thinking a/b how I like eating breakfasts. Breakfast feels good in you.

AM snack: 1 kind bar (almond, walnut, macademia nut).

I love these bars. I debated about whether or not to eat this. 3 hrs after breakfast, I felt receded (from hunger I think) again. I just felt weak and like I had no energy. I felt like I was just zoned out and waiting for lunch. Normally my mind would have been like "you can't be hungry because you just had a big breakfast." But I was reminded of things my program RD says to me. She helps me ground myself in my body (my body is hungry, so who cares what my mind says. eating is a body thing so what the mind says is rather irrelevant). My program RD also told me she believes in eating when you're hungry in addition to following the meal plan. Plus, technically, my a.m. snack is on my meal plan - it's just that it's optional so I never eat it. Anyway, I ate it and immediately felt physically better after eating it. And I was so grateful for the nutrients b/c they woke me up and gave me energy.

Lunch: PB/fruit sandwich: 2 slices WW bread, 3 tbspn PB, 3 tbspn dried berry medly (ww= whole wheat... not weight watchers lol)

So weird, but I was lethargic/lagging/receded hungry for this too. And, after I ate it - actually, after I ate everything today - I didn't even feel full. Is my lack of energy hunger or is it something else?

Snack: 1 dove dark chocolate promise + coffee with milk

Snack: 1 bite of my mom's scone

Just for the record, no, I don't think these count as afternoon snacks. I gave myself permission to skip the afternoon snack today because i ate the a.m. snack and didn't feel myself majorly craving it. Then again, I was *starving* before dinner... so I probably should have eaten the afternoon snack. The meal plan doesn't say "optional 3rd snack." it says "optional/encouraged a.m. snack." It doesn't say anything a/b messing with my afternoon snack... ok, got it for nex time.

Dinner: 2 spoonfuls hummus, 1 salmon burger patty, 3/4 cup brown rice/carrot/green bean mixure

I think this dinner was light, but it was what my parents ate and I ate with them. Actually, I ate more than them.

Snack: 1/2 cup fro yo and 1 dove dark chocolate promise

ok, off to bed...

on ward to a new week.

I have a feeling this'll e a good week.

I'm going to be productive

but i'm also going to stay centered and groudened

I had a good conversation with my mom today about the importance of, this week, remembering to stay in the present while preparing for the future; the importnace of doing things that keep me grounded and sane (like writing and yoga). She totally agreed.

eyes closing...

night, night!

tracy email:

Hi Tracy,

I'm so weak/hungry these past two days even though I'm eating everything I'm supposed to eat. I don't know why. Anyway, here's a summary of today:

• 100% of mp (if I can substitue a.m. snack for afternoon snack. If not, then....)
• no over eating (hasn't been any of that since last tues night and wed night. I'm not worried a/b it returning anymore. I think I know what led up to those two days, and I'll be mindful a/b that this week)
• Ate a morning snack even though I never do - because I was just needing an energy boost big time.
• Initiated 2 meals/snacks with my sister while we were out of town together today.
• Everything except dinner was all definitely appropriate in size/portion
• Dinner was light (I'm estimating 350 - 400 cals?), but it was what my family ate.
• I did count calories (I know I still need to do my 3 days of no cal counting. I really feel challenged by doing that this week. But the point is to always keep myself tolerably challenged, right? So I guess I can squeeze 3 days in still before I see you... ah, but I'm really resistant. I need to write a/b why.)
• I do feel huge (and I swear it feels like my clothes are tight), but keep eating what I'm supposed to anyway
• Was mindful and self aware of ED thoughts, and just pushed them aside.
• I haven't weighed myself in 2 days (but I will weigh myself tomorrow)
• Recently I've been thinking back to ED things I used to do and thinking, "Geez. What a shame that I did that to myself. That was so unnecessary and so mean... mean to myself."
• Navigated a hotel breakfast buffet very well today.

Thanks! I hope you had a great weekend!

Take care,

Laura