HUGE EPIPHANY! PROGRAM DAY 64

Wow! So I had 2 huge realizations today that will DEFINITELY help me get back on track. As a result, I feel sooooooo relieved. Just soooooooooo relieved. It’s literally like I can let out a big, giant sigh of relief.

Ok, so first realization: I was prescribing where I should be in recovery instead of just observing and accepting where I actually am. Let me explain: When I first went to PHP to IOP, I had some big food struggles for a couple of days. This scared me, and I realized that, in IOP, there’s not enough meal support to depend on just showing up at the program to keep your food afloat. It’s sink or swim time, and you have to take care of yourself. So I realized that, if I was going to swim and stay afloat in IOP, I was going to have to take on the mentality that I was in the program even when I wasn’t physically in the program. This mentality pushed me to continue to make progress. Suddenly, I was in “ED-Recovery-Mode… Challenge-the-ED” 24/7, and that served me really well. My sole responsibility was ED recovery. Then, some things happened that caused me to drop this life-saving mentality. I started to give myself a timeline of “must be better enough to be back in the Bay Area” within a month – so I just started acting/thinking as if I was recovered. I also started to be surrounded by people who needed me – my sister, my program friends, Nicole. And, in being surrounded by people 24/7, I felt stifled. I needed to be the perfect friend, sister, role model. And I started to apply to jobs - some of the applications were pretty intense. And I needed to submit the perfect application. My role was: Person who works on challenging their Eating disorder. Then, I added on: Person who is the perfect example to others; person who gets close with others and helps keep the other person happy all the time; person who always turns in applications that are her very best work. And I couldn’t keep up, and my ED acted up a bit. The ED thoughts definitely kicked up and the behaviors flared up too – not totally out of control – not back at square one, but they were flaring up enough that it mattered to me and it concerned me. When I added “life” (relationships, jobs, financial independence) back into my life, my ED recovery started to slip. Today, Tracy told me, “100% of your energy and focus needs to be spent on the eating disorder recovery. You have no other time line or responsibilities. You are not in a place to be able to balance ED recovery and other aspects of life. Your full time job is things related to the program. That’s where you are.” When she told me that, I felt a HUGE sense of relief. My first thought, actually, was, “It’s okay then to not go to the exercise class that I was illegally going to go to tonight. Fewf!” I felt like 10 million pounds had been lifted off m shoulders. I felt like I wasn’t about to spin out of control and lose myself. I felt ALLOWED to take care of myself. Tracy gave me permission to prioritize ED recovery stuff. And, so, this is what I realized: I was prescribing where I was at. I was prescribing that I was at a place where. I was deciding that I was at a place where I could just mentally jump forward in life; I could prioritize “moving forward” and handle staying stable with the progress I’ve made. What I learned was that, actually, right now, I can’t do that. Whether I like it or not, I’m at a place where I need to spend the vast majority of my focus and energy on ED recovery in order to continue to make progress at the speed I want to make progress in with as few tough slips as possible. And that’s okay. That’s where I am. That was my first realization. I can’t try to be at some place in recovery that I’m not. And I can accept where I am.

Speaking of Tracy’s appointment, here are the goals from her this week:

1. 100% of meal plan, every day, regardless of how sedentary your day is.

2. Use index cards for every meal/snack (except family dinner) and no changing of the index cards

3. My actions should reflect that I know my full-time job right now is ED recovery and that I know that's where all my focus should be.

4. No calorie counting 2x this week (and also follow meal plan 100% on those days)

5. Try 2 - 4 new foods this week (ideas are: ice cream cone as snack + panera panini for and make a better memory than the one I created last time I was there +in 'n out burger/fries + something with coconut milk with my dad at a restaurant this weekend ).

6. Stick to exercise plan (yesterday's 3 hrs of brisk walking will not happen again!. And, on that note, I will not go to the "power cardio class" today).

7. Do all EDCC assignments.

Isn’t it interesting that, prior to Tracy’s appointment, my thinking was “must do life; must do life; I have a lot of things to do; I have to go forward; I have a to-do list that I need to do; I have errands; I have chores; I have a million things I need to check off today” ---and, because I was in that mode, I also was thinking “Must go to Exercise class. Must remember to pack exercise clothes. Must change snack to be one that easier to eat on the go – if I eat it at all.” Because, really, how is my exercise class helping me with my to-do list? How is it helping me find a job? How is it helping me with independence? It’s not. But it’s interesting to note that when my attention goes in that direction, my “must exercise” kicks in too. Maybe I think running in place is productive? Haha.

After Tracy’s appointment, my focus changed to: I’m allowed to take care of myself. And here’s what’s interesting about that. When I’m in a mindset that reminds me I’m allowed to take care of myself, it’s not like I no longer have to do my errands/chores. There are some things that go off my to-do list, but, in general, a lot stays there too. But I feel so much calmer about it and I don’t feel a dire need to go to the exercise class and squeeze it into my day. I feel…. Calm. And then I feel allowed to not calorie count. And I feel able to challenge myself food. And I feel okay about the fact that my day is pretty sedentary today. And, right now, I’m sitting at the program instead of in my exercise class. I could have left at 3pm, but I stayed, ate my snack (even though I could have left before snack), and I journaled. And I will get my to-do list done. I’ll do it tonight, calmly, after dinner. I just feel so much more… in control of my own life. I don’t fear losing myself anymore.

Concluding observation: Feeling like I’m able to take care of myself, feeling like I’m able to admit my needs and do what I need to do to take care of them…. Leads to decrease in need to exercise, decrease concern with calories, decrease feeling of “must e careful around food.”

So onto the second realization…

The second realization came in group therapy, at the program, after lunch. Luckily, it was a small group. Only 3 other people and 1.5 hours of time. It is also something I was talking to Jane about a little bit yesterday. Jane’s conversation + group therapy + an experience last night and this morning put this all together for me.

Second realization: If you think about lasting recovery requiring different puzzle pieces to all fit together, I think the most important missing piece for me is an ability to assert my own power over my own life; my ability to self-respect; my ability to have my voice. An ability to know what my voice is saying and then assert it is so important. I need this skill so that, when I go out into “life” and get surrounded by jobs and bosses and relationships of all kinds (Friendships, intimate relationships, family relationships), I won’t lose myself, feel stifled, feel “out of control” (code for losing my own power over my own time and space) and ultimately act out with the eating disorder by focusing on restriction or “controlling” my food.

This is where my work is. Developing that voice. Hearing that voice. Speaking that voice. Working on this will not just help me keep my food on track, it’ll also help me with relationships down the road.

My pattern has been to withdraw from relationships so as to not lose myself or just completely deselfing and losing myself. Thus, I’ve felt that I can only do what I want to do when I’m alone. Why have I felt like this? Because I’ve come to believe that my role in relationships is managing the other persons emotions. (No wonder teaching was hard! Kids hate you for helping them!) My job in relationships has been to keep the other person experiencing pleasant emotions. Wow, I can find examples that prove this that date back to…. Kindergarten. Another way to frame this is that I am a hard core people pleaser I think. Sometimes, my voice isn’t even developed enough to be heard. But sometimes, I do hear my voice, but I don’t dare speak it for fear that I might “fail” in my relational role of keeping the other person happy. What if my voice conflicts with the others experience of positive emotions?

Relational dynamics can take 3 forms (we talked about this in group)

1. Authentic relationships: where each person maintains a voice, a self, there is a give and a take, it’s not all “me me me,” but it’s not all “you you you” either. Sometimes, in authentic relationships, you will cause the other person to experience not perfectly pleasant emotions.
2. Isolating: In order to protect your voice and not get squashed, you keep yourself at a distance. Because you don’t know how to not get squashed and be in a relationship at the same time. You choose to not be squashed at the cost of closeness.
3. De-Selfing: In relationships, you sweep yourself under the rug. You fold in. Your role becomes on in which you help the other get what they need and want. The other has a self, but you don’t.

My voice will conflict with others experiencing positive emotions sometimes. Sometimes I will disappoint others. Sometimes me doing what I need to do will make the other person’s life less convenient. That is the reality of an authentic relationship.

If I go into every relationship with the intention to please 100% or keep the other person happy 100% of the time, then I will be unhappy, de-self/isolate, and fail. I will also have a much more difficult time speaking my voice.

But if I acknowledge that my intention in relationships is to have authentic relationships, then I might be more accepting and tolerant of discomfort that comes with the times when asserting your voice makes the other person feel less comfortable.

One thing I’ve learned is that when your actions are not congruent with your mindset, it is very distressing. If you are eating a normal meal with an ED mindset, the experience is distressing! If you change your thoughts to be those of a normal person’s (regardless of if you believe them or not), then eating the meal is not incongruent, and the experience is more enjoyable. Also, if you bring to the table an intention to “not get full” or “not feel food in you” then you’re going to be very distressed because your intention will never be met! It’s impossible to eat and not feel food in you. But if you change your intention to what that CAN be met (like “notice the taste”), then your actions (eating) don’t go against your intention/mindset, and the overall experience is much more tolerable. So, let’s make a parallel to relationships. In relationships, if my intention is “always make the other person happy,” then when I speak my voice, it’ll be very distressing sometimes b/c my actions will go against my intention. But if I change my intention to be “have an authentic relationship,” then speaking my voice is less distressing because my actions (speaking my voice) is not going against my goal. Speaking my voice is part of an authentic relationship. The distress of speaking my voice still exists, but to a much lesser degree. And so, I will remember that my goal, my intention is to have authentic relationships.

These realizations came about as we, in group, discussed a situation that happened with a former client last night and this morning. (Don’t feel like writing the details right here)

How does this relate to moving forward into the future? Why do future transitions ALWAYS cause me to go backwards in terms of the ED? (I’m not sure about all of this but I’m going to take a stab at it)

Well, I think I’m realizing that when I say I feel like things are “on the brink of being out of control,” what I really mean is that I don’t have power over my own time and space in my life. Why not? I guess, in moving forward, I risk making choices that more reflect me filling expectations than they reflect my own choices.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve taken on the role of “de-selfing” and “Folding in.” In other words, I’ve taken on the role of “serving others” “meeting expectations.” Therefore, the more forward I go with my life, the more external bodies I have that I feel a need to serve, please, help. And as this develops, my own voice shrinks (and instead comes out in the ED). And since my own voice shrinks, my own power over my own time and space gets lost/decreased. I start to feel anxious, which gets calmed with movement, calorie counting, and restriction. I start to feel a loss of power – which gets reasserted with food rules and restriction.

I guess this is the bottom line: I haven’t yet figured out how to keep my own power and my own voice in the “real adult world.” Real bottom line: I am not sure I know how to take care of myself while also interacting with the outside bodies/pressures that come from the “real, adult world.”

And so.. my missing piece? More like “missing pieces.” Missing pieces for a lasting recovery for me are:

1. Having an intention for my relationships to be “authentic” relationships (not me pleasing the other)
2. Identifying and developing the voice in me that takes care of myself and strives for what I want.
3. Asserting and speaking that voice to others.