Program Day 9

• I had a session with Jane this morning before program, and it was SOOOO helpful. I learned so many things about myself. We spent most of the time talking about anger. Yesterday, last night, and this morning, I was feeling anger. Anytime I talked about the contract, etc., I was just so pissed. In talking to Jane, I realized that anger is a new emotion for me to be experiencing. She told me that, "Before, you would have not felt anger... you would have just taken it in, felt like you weren't good enough, tried to be "better" and used your behaviors to make yourself more "people-pleaseing." That is probably true. It occurred to me that, in this recovery process, I have become aware of anxiety and now, if I do say so myself, I am actually very advanced at managing anxiety. I've just made such improvements with managing the anxiety in the last couple of months. It does take work for me to manage anxiety, but I am able to 1) notice when I'm feeling it and 2) manage it well pretty much every single time. It's not to the point where it happens subconsciously, but it is to the point where I really am in control of the anxiety now. So, as we talked about anger, I realized I simply need to learn to manage anger as well. Here are some things I learned from my conversation with her:

1) When I feel anxiety, my hands feel numb, my limbs feel week, my chest tight, my head light. When I feel anger, my quads feel tense, my body feels hot.

2) When I feel angry, I notice that, since I don't yet know how to deal with it, I want to act out like a 5 year old. I want to not eat. If someone gives me food, I want to chuck it against the wall. I want to run fast. Then I want to cry. This all happens because I don't under stand the feeling.

3) Just like anxiety, sometimes I will know where the anger comes from (like what I'm angry at) and sometimes I won't. I don't HAVE to figure out the origin of my anger though.

4) Just like all emotions, every human experienes anger. Sometimes we don't even understand why we experience the emotion, but it's just there - and we feel it physiologically - and that's okay to not know the reason.

5) With anxiety, I was able to label it, observe it, and ground myself in the truth (I am not in danger or out of control) and go on throughout my day. With anger, I wasn't able to do this. That is because I wasn't JUDGING the anxiety, but I was JUDGING the anger. Like, it's okay for me to feel anxious... but I feel guilty I think for feeling anger. Now that I realized that though, it's almost enough to take the judgement away. But I realize that me judging my anger was getting in the way with me managing it.

6) In order to calm the urge to yell at someone or throw something or run when I'm angry, it his helpful, like it is with anxiety, to stay grounded in the what is real. For anxiety, what is real is that I'm not in danger, my weight isn't getting out of control, etc. For anger, what is real is I actually do care about the staff here and I love them an appreciate them and I know they're here to help me. I never would want to yell at them.

7) Some of the reasons I was angry have to do with feeling like I wasn't "seen." (Jane's word). She means that I felt like I wasn't being acknowledged for my work that I was doing the first week. I mean, I come home every night exhausted because my brain is working SO SO SO HARD at this... SO HARD AND SO CONSTANTLY I can't even explain it... and I guess I felt like by them not giving me privileges, they weren't seeing how much work I was putting into this or how motivated Iw as. (I now understand that this is not true). Jane and I continued to talk about a general theme of not feeling "Seen" in other earlier parts of my life.

7) A statement that would describe how I feel: "I am not angry at them at a cognitive level, but feelings of anger came up because I didn't feel seen. And I honor that I did feel the anger when I felt that way, but the truth is that I actually love and appreciate the staff so I don't want to yell at them. Because I know that and because I know that all humans experience anger, I do not judge myself for it. I understand that I felt it because I felt not seen." And, oddly, understanding all fo this takes away the physiological response I feel from the anger.

• My insurance approved me for more! YAY!

• I am so indescribably grateful for this program. Seriously, you all... SO GRATEFUL. I feel it working. And I am just. so. grateful.

• I notice it getting easier. I notice my idea of a "normal sized meal" is changing. Today, the "hurricane of anxiety" didn't even appear at all! I loved all of the food. All of it. I enjoyed it. I wasn't even nervous for it. Of course, the fact that I was super hungry today DEFINITELY HELPED. But you know what else helped? The fact that I WANT TO MEET MY GOALS and the fact that I DIDN'T COUNT CALORIES. Anyway, this week, I haven't really had the feeling of "HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT WE HAVE TO EAT ALL OF THIS?!" I AM NOT REALLY HAVING THAT FEELING ANYMORE! (I might tomorrow, but I didn't today or yesterday...)

• There is one girl in the program who is openly pro-ana and I'm like "great. charming. fantastic. can you leave?" (no, actually, i'm trying to be understanding... trying to see that it's just the eating disordered part of her that is pro-ana and not the real her)

• Today I gave the group a "teacher-y" lecture about group dynamics. I spoke to everyone about how we are all here for a precious, fleeting period of time so it is of utmost importance that we have a good group dynamic going on. A lot of changes happen in treatment centers - people leave and people come... it's a constantly shifting group... a fluid group. Thus, it is incredibly important that we have good group dynamics as the norm. So I spoke about how important it is that we are all 100% honest with each other and that we make a die hard committment to each other to trust people to tell each other if they are being "triggered" (thus, eliminating the possibility that people won't speak due to triggering others). And I also pointed out the obvious tension that existed between two girls. And I told them about how we need to make a committment to understand that no one is trying to harm anyone else. We need to commit to seeing each other's intentions. To giving each other the benefit of the doubt. So that we can be honest, comfortable and NOT TENSE during our times together. Also, I cut into the conversation when a couple of the new girls were starting to diss the rules.... and I spoke about how we simply cannot have anti-rule conversations.... b/c when we do that it creates an atmosphere of client vs. staff and that is not conducive to "Recovery." And HELLO, THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE! So,.... COMMIT people.... AND LET US BE A COMMUNITY. And I told people that even if they aren't sure if they want their eating disorder or not, then they can still respect the community and see this as a time to learn things a/b group dynamics, about themselves, about psychology, etc. I think people took it well.

• Something a therapist said in group today that stuck out: "Eating disorders won't just fade over time. They need to be dealt with. They won't just go away on their own over time."

• We listened to a song today and this lyric stuck out to me: " Think of all the joy I've been missing because of second guessing." (something like that)

• From this program, I'm not just learning to eat "Fear foods" and "normal portions" and "consistently." i'm also learning to put pleasure back into eating. I'm learning to enjoy dining. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE how we eat. We all sit down. Then we read a blessing (basically an inspiring quote or thought). Then we all begin. Despite the fact that it's important to eat 100% and to "get the food in," the staff encourages us to eat mindfully... so we take a bite, take a sip, put our food down and talk, take a few more bites, talk, talk, eat, sip, talk, etc. I am someone who does need to keep my focus on eatin ga little bit b/c otherwise I get talking and stop eating and then go over the time limit. But, anyway, I'm really really ENJOYING the table, the conversation, the sharing of food.

• Our food today: Lunch: Broccoli/cheddar quiche + fruit salad. Snack: 1/2 banana + 1.5 tbspn PB Dinner: Big yummy plate of spaghetti with soy meat balls, marinara sauce, and a little cheese + a side garden salad with dressing.

• I skipped breakfast and AM snack today. Last week, I didn't care at all that I was doing this. I was just still in shock at the lunch, snack, dinner. today when I skipped breakfast and am snack, I felt guilty. Plus I felt hungry all day. Even now, after dinner, I feel hungry. Technically I'm supposed to eat a PM snack... I probably will.

• I have this amazing feeling right now. I feel like I finally know what to do to get over this. I finally feel like I'm about to get over this. I feel like I at least have some idea as to how to get over this.

• Part of me looks at the 19, 20, 21 year olds who are ambivalent about this process and wants to shake them - like DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IF I HAD COME HERE WHEN I WAS 19 HOW MUCH BETTER THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN?!!?!?!?!?.... but, looking at this again, I'm glad I'm here now. 1) I'm glad I'm here at a time in my eating disorder when I don't have to gain weight because gaining weight sucks and the shift from gaining weight to maintaing weight is scary. 2) I am at a point now where I'm at much more peace with my body. If I had come a couple of years ago, I had such severe body hatred (I didn't even shower with my eyes open because I was afraid I'd see myself, etc., etc.) that it would have been hard for me to take risks. So, I'm glad now that I do not have to gain lots of weight and I'm glad that I have better body peace.

• I wish I could articulate how hard I'm working. My brain is CONSTANTLY correcting irrational, inaccurate thoughts. The other clients call me the "note taker" because I'm constantly journaling and constantly having some insight and then writing it down. Like I can't even explain to you all how much my brain is engaged in a HEALTHY way. I am REALLY REALLY challenging my former ways of thinking and believing. It's incredible. I feel like "oh! Oh! OHH!!!" all of the time. It's like, for so long, I flailed along trying to figure out how to get over this. I didn't know what exactly I was doing or why - I was just trying to get over this. Now, I feel like I know what I'm doing. I feel like I know how to get over this. It's like everything I've learned from Jane and Tracy + the EDCC (where I'm at now) is coming together.

• The calorie in/calorie out formula for weight IS BULLSHIT. Seriously. Honestly, before coming into the program, I was eating SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO little. I was eating less than I was eating even at the times of my lowest weight. It's just that my body had adapted to a point where it wasn't even losing weight quickly anymore. And, the month before the program, I started to eat a little more, but it was still like 1/5 of what we are expected to eat here - seriously. So... HOW COME I have MASSIVELY increased my caloric intake and my weight has maintained or even slightly gone down? Anyone want to explain that to me? I know the whole metabolism argument... but Idk a/b that argument. I do not understand the body... that's for sure..... but I do know that it is a LOT more complex than simple calories in/ calories out.

• This program + JAne + Tracy is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

• Tomorrow I am eating a muffin with Tracy for breakfast. And for afternoon snack, I requested 2 reese peanut butter cups (I have made a rule for myself that, at least 1 snack per week that I eat at program must be a dessert.) So... bring on the challenge :)

• I am ecstatic with gratitude. Because I feel the program working. I feel my idea of "what is a normal portion" shifting. I feel my resistance towards eating the snack decreasing. Obviously I still have work to do (like, um, laura, you're supposed to eat your meal plan OUTSIDE of program too..... working on it, working on it....)

• there's no question in my mind about if I want to stay in my eating disorder or not. I DO NOT. I am motivated without a smidge of doubt.