- I think one goal I have for the treatment program is to just be able to sink into myself and feel at peace without trying to control something food/weight related. I eat more food... but only if I can measure it and count calories. I stop counting calories... but only if I eat less food. I run less.... but only if I eat much less. I eat more... so I better run more. I agree to eat a bit more and run moderately.... but only if I can step on the scale. like, OMG JUST CHILL OUT!!! JUST STOP THIS ALREADY! So, goal: eat and exercise in a way that leaves me energetic, at a weight I come to feel good in, in a relaxed, NOT overly analytical way. When I trace back stages I've gone through in the ED.... these are them:
- Eat only healthy foods + count calories (but let myself get to a reasonable #) + exercise a lot.
- Stop exercising as much ... so still eat only healthy foods, still count calories (but I put a severe limit on the # of calories)
- Eat more.... but never 2 days in a row. The second day I have to majorly compensate.
- Back to exercising daily but moderately and eating with a calorie limit
- Eat much more, do not exercise, but NEVER eat off the meal plan.
- Eat off the meal plan, but count calories meticulously and exercise a ton.
- Stop exercising, continue to eat off the meal plan, but eat much too little
- Eat off the meal plan, eat a close-to-normal-ish amount, but exercise a lot (and feel like I can't keep eating like this unless I exercise a lot)
- Stop exercising, but also start eating way too few calories
- And that brings me to now: still under eating but eating a weeeee bit more, exercising moderately (except for tonight - that got way outta control), but weighing myself daily, counting calories and measuring.
Um, I think I might be overcomplicating everything - lol - ya think?!
Goal: go back to doing what I did in # 5, but learn to do it without a meal plan.
That's a good way to recognise when you are slipping, and maybe this could become part of a relapse prevention programme? I'm glad you have a goal for treatment, and you seem to be in a state of readiness, which is excellent and bodes well for the program. I think you'll do amazingly!
ReplyDeleteSarah x
I do hope that you end up going to treatment - I think it can be something that is incredibly beneficial for you. It was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but I am now in IOP and it has been an incredible experience. It is brutal at times, and brings up emotions that I didn't even know that I had, but it is healing --- and in ways that I do not understand, it is slowly but surely working.
ReplyDeleteJust had to share that.
It could be the best decision you have ever made in your life ...
Don't think of it as a meal plan. It is just a way for you to eat where you know you get what you need. And then think if you go off the plan (FOR ONE!!! ONE!!!!) meal you don't over compensate for the rest of the day.
ReplyDeleteAll a meal plan is a guide for what you should be eating to make your body happy and healthy.
Sarah C, good idea!
ReplyDeleteSarah, Yes, I am going. I start on Monday. Thank you for your comment so much. It's very comforting to hear from someone who is in iop.
David, the meal plan i'm referring to wasn't exchanges - it was exact food items - so i would never eat anything different than the exact thing Tracy said I could eat for bfast, and the exact thing she had recommended for lunch, etc. And even if it were exchanges... it's STILL not natural... ppl don't think a/b food like that!
Thank you for the messages you left me :) I was in bed and I could hear the chat 'ping'ing but I was feeling so low that I couldnt bring myself to get up and check who kept sending me messages. Your words were gentle and kind and your suggestions truly made me smile: I forget if I utilized any of them...but I will definitely keep them in mind for the future <3
ReplyDelete