Day 1 - PHP/Day Program

Thank you so much, everyone, for your encouraging, supportive comments/e-mails/texts!

I don't feel like writing a lot about my first day at PHP, but here are some general things:

General Info

• Good age of people there (a few younger, most around my age, a few closer to my mom's age)
• Good # of people (between 10 - 20 people... 13? 14?)
• Most people are on "maintain" or "restore metabolism" plans, so it's helpful for me to see these people on "maintain" plans eat 100% of their food. It's also nice to not be surrounded by a bunch of people who need to gain loads of weight.

Rules:

• No body/food talk at table;
• No going to the bathroom by yourself;
• no caffeinated beverages,
• no water bottles, 2 cups of water allowed at meals and 1 at snack,
• must eat 100% of your meals/snacks (some people are on levels that allow them to ask to "leave some on the plate," but no one may ever leave less than 75%.) If you fail to do this 3x, you get discharged or sent to a higher level of care. Very few people are allowed to "leave some on the plate." Today, every single person ate 100% of everything.
• May not be late to an activity, a meal, a group or, after the 3rd time, you will be discharged.
• Cell phones turned into staff; purses locked away.
• That's all I can think of right now.

The positive

• I will go back tomorrow.
• People were very accepting, nice, validating.
• It's clearly a very supportive place. Like, tomorrow, for example the day is B, S, L, S but no dinner, so all of the patients are going over to one of the patient's house and cooking dinner together. Tonight, someone wanted to binge, so a group of people went out to the movies and planned evening activities to help the girl.
• Having someone prepare my food and serve it to me takes A LOT of the anxiety out of eating - because I know they're giving me what I need. So I trust that the food is what I need. I trust that I don't need to count calories because they're doing it for me.
• I did speak up in group therapy sessions today, and it felt good. I felt like I was helping others there. I felt like others benefited from what I said.

The Questions

• Why do I need to eat 100% if I'm full before that?
• How do you know how much I need to eat?
• Why can't I drink more water?
• Do I need to be here?
• Am I "too advanced" for this?
• Do I have an eating disorder?
• Will I be able to feel this comfortable eating when I have to make my own food at home versus here - when it's just prepared and handed to me?

The gripes

• I'm freaking thirsty! But I'm not allowed to drink water in between meals/snacks and only allowed to drink a certain amount at meals.
• I have to pee all the time. In order to use the bathroom, I have to inconvenience someone by asking them to come with me... so sometimes I just didn't go. I think I deserve bathroom privileges. I have never once in my life purged. I will discuss this with them.

The challenges:

• I have to eat 100% of my food. This will be challenging. For the first two days of hte program, you're given a grace period. you can show up at the table and eat nothing without any consequences. The idea is that you get comfortable. So, today, I did not eat 100% of any meal or any snack. I'd say I ate 80% of my meals and 50% of my snacks. I was the only one at the table who did not eat 100%. I was also the only one at the table who would not be given a consequence for not eating 100%. I didn't eat 100% because I was full before that. I did worry that I might be triggering other girls there by not eating 100%... Starting Wednesday, I get consequences if I don't eat 100%. I really don't feel like feeling too full...... I am open to eating 100%, but I do want to talk with the dietitian first to ask her why I have to, when I'm not hungry for 100%. I am totally open minded a/b this, though. I think the key is just communication with the staff.
• ACTIVITY LEVEL. Tonight, after PHP, all I wanted to do was run, run, run. Not to compensate, but just because I had hardly moved all day. It's like sit, eat, sit, therapy, sit, eat, sit, therapy, sit, eat, sit, therapy, etc., etc. It's A LOT of sitting and my quads are about to jump out of my skin! Being this sedentary an inactive today is going to be hard. It is a challenge I didn't forsee.

ok, any updates that come, any takeaways I have... I'll keep y'all in the loop.