Day 5 Day program

• I came home and told my family how today was the hardest day so far. It ended up turning into an escalated conversation between my dad and I. He reacted by raising his voice sightly and by giving me these facial expressions. He told me I need to appreciate the program, and I shouldn't be rebellious. His reaction was out of fear that the program wasn't going to work. My reaction back to him was out of fear that he wasn't understanding me. I just wanted to communicate honestly everything. And I ended up feeling like he was thinking I wasn't trying hard enough or I was purposefully being rebellious or I was failing. And that was hard to hear because a) I feel like I'm intentionally getting the most out of every minute of every day there, b) I have to have some balance between being able to ask questions and just doing what they say blindly, and c) I'm not failing. You have no idea how differently I'm eating this week from last week. [I just read this paragraph to my dad, and we're cool now :)]

• Today I got a warning for not finishing my meal on time. I took 30 minutes too many. It was just me and two staff members left sitting at the table. I was having an extremely hard time because the meal was so filling. It was also difficult because I knew I was still going to have to eat an afternoon snack and dinner. Then I started to get nervous about "all the food" I was going to have to eat on Saturday. My mind was stuck in the future, which made the fullness of the moment even that much more unacceptable. The meal was ground turkey chili topped with cheddar cheese and a side of corn bread. See, I have a problem with drinking and eating at the same time. I absolutely hate feeling full, so, often, when I eat a normal sized meal, I then can't drink b/c I can't stand to feel more stuff in my stomach. But then I'm left feeling thirsty. So, my solution to this, is to drink my water first before eating. Since I HAVE to eat, I'll end up getting my food and water in if I drink my water first. So, today, at lunch, I drank my water and was full. I asked if I could go to the bathroom in the middle of eating to make myself feel less full. Well, obviously, that didn't go over so well. So then I decided "Ok, I'll just eat my lunch slowly so that I don't feel so full all at once." Then they called out a 10 min warning on me. only 3 of us were still eating. I had SO MUCH still to eat that I just gave up. I was like, "This is impossible! There's no way I can eat all of this in 10 min so screw it, I'm done!" I didn't say that, but I thought it. So, I look over at the dietitian, who is eating at us, and I say, "I can't eat all of this in 10 min..." She says, "Do you want to Ensure it?" (meaning drink the appropriate amount in Ensure?) No, I didn't want to ensure it... So then the clinical director informed me (I'm the only one left at the table now) that I can go over time, I just have to take a warning (officially called a "grace") for going over time (50 min for a meal). So, okay... then it was me an an RD and the clinical director sitting at the table for 30 min past time, as I ate. I was having a seriously hard time. Wondering: "Why don't I get to stop? Normal people would stop if they felt this full!" And "Why am I on a 100% plan? What do I have to do to get put on a 90% or a 75% plan?" Well, I just don't know how to feel full AND feel happy. Eventually I finished the meal, but I got a "grace" (warning).

• After the meal, we had "Food and Feelings" for an hour, and, suprisingly, again, I was so anxious in that group that my chest hurt. People process their feelings about lunch. When it came my turn to talk I simply said, "I have lots of questions and lots of things I'm having trouble dealing with right now, but I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid I'll trigger someone." So I kept quiet. Through this experience, I realized a couple of things: 1) I have an easy time talking in group when it's about me in the past or when it's about other people, but I have a very difficult time talking about how I'm feeling in the present. 2) I need to work on articulating how I feel in the present because that's why I'm there... to receive the support. I learned later in the day that the support is effective. I also learned in this group that this meal was particularly filling. Almost everyone said something a/b how full the lunch made them - even people who eat in a way to help them feel full.

• After that group and another activity, we had snack and I almost got a warning. When they called snack time, I was in full out I-am-not-experiencing-that-fullness-again-you-can't-make-me mode. I turned to the staff and said, "I don't want to eat snack." Staff said, "You want to take a grace?" I said, "Yes." And I was okay with this because I just knew that I COULD NOT deal with feeling full. And, also, I WAS SURE that it was IN NO WAY normal to eat a snack after I had already had a morning snack of yogurt and granola and a lunch of turkey chili with cheese and corn bread. I was SURE that I was right that eating a snack was some kind of CONSPIRACY and I ahd to PROTECT MYSELF by keeping my fullness down and my hunger up. So I signed the sheet that said I understood that I was getting a warning for this. And that's when another girl noticed, adn then another girl and another girl, and another girl.... and suddenly, I was surrounded by about 7 girls and 2 staff members trying to get me to eat the snack. They said, "Say what you wanted to say in Food and Feelings group." So I finally did. And they weren't triggered. And they reassured me that it was okay to eat this.... and that I really should. And then I came to 2 conclusions/reminders, with their help:

1) I need to look INSIDE MYSELF for the answers - not outside of myself. I am trying to answer the question "Am I eating too much?" In trying to answer that question, I'm comparing my food intake to my parents, etc. But the real answer is in me: At every meal, I am hungry. That means my body is USING the food and asking for more. Also, the scale is not going up. A therapist said to me, "You even admitted yourself that you get freaked out by fullness, but, you noticed that the fullness goes away in 10 - 30 min. Are you feeling full now?" No, I wasn't.

2) This snack is just ONE snack. If it makes me go "out of control" and gain tons of weight, then I will know that. The staff will know that. I am in a safe place to experiment with food. If my weight goes up too much, the staff will protect me by giving me different amounts of food. But, no matter what, my weight is not going to balloon by eating one snack.

3) If I eat this one snack and STILL get hungry for dinner, that will be a great experience to have in my pocket to look back on. Wouldn't it be cool if it worked! Like, if I ate the snack and then got hungry again! Wouldn't that be cool to know that my body can handle that! Well, only one way to find out.... (eat the snack).

4) I'm looking around the room and everyone in the room at the same lunch as me... 100% of it, and in the allotted time. They look the EXACT same as they did before lunch. So, the lunch didn't make them fat. Also, I am ABSOLUTELY SURE that they will look the EXACT SAME tomorrow - even after eating this upcoming snack and dinner and a PM snack.... so, if they can do it, I can.

5) I realized I'm the only one there who hasn't been eating my meal plan outside of the program. If all these other girls are eating what I'm supposed to be eating and their weight isn't shooting up, maybe that'll happen to me too - actually, it already is happening.

So then the RD suggested that I pick a low-volume snack to avoid feeling full again. So I picked a small amount of trail mix. I am pretty sure it's 1/4 cup or 1/3 cup.

• I come across as "together" and competent and "high-functioning." This is good and bad. It's bad because it may allow the staff to think I'm capable of handling more than I am. Today, they let me into the kitchen to help with clean up. While I was in there, I saw the exact portions and calories for our food. This allowed me to calorie count. VERY. BAD. IDEA. I'm trying to let go of my previous "calorie ceilings."

• In a way, this day was great. Because it was SO HARD... it shows me wehre there is work to be done. And it gives me a chance to prove to myself that I can get through this and be okay.

• And I will go back tomorrow. My parents/sister will be there from 8:30 - 11pm for family therapy (as a group... family group).

• I need to really push myself to express myself - how I'm feeling IN THE MOMENT.

• I also need to stay grounded in facts and in the present. And, even when I'm scared, do the next thing I'm asked to do.... and no huge weight gain will happen over night. So I can try these new way of eatings, meal by meal, and continue to wake up, day by day, reassured that I'm still alive, still getting hungry at times, etc.

• I didn't eat my breakfast before program today... but, when I finally opened up and confessed that I did this to the other girls... I realized that all the other girls are eating their full meal plan. I'm not totally ready to eat breakfast. (today I refused it from my dad)... but now that I realize that "oh! really! Everyone else is doing that! Hm... I want to be able to do that too."

• Gosh I'm surprised at how hard this is - eating-wise. But, man do I want to succed. The only way to succed is to feel uncomfortable and go forwards anyway....

• The other clients in the program are FANTASTIC people, and I hope I know them for years to come. We have started hanging out, bit by bit, outside of hte program.