Program Day 16

• You all: Thank you so much for reading and for supporting!

• I am blessed. Insurance gave me more days. 6 more for now. Then another review.

• I had an assignment from my therapist - to write "My Worst Eating Disordered Day." It doesn't have to be an actual day - you can glue bits and pieces from phases and years together. Basically, you have to make the assignment work for you. The purpose of her assigning me this was for me to see that a) I belong to be here and b) get out of denial and c) realize the seriousness of this so that I don't just nanchalantly skip meals, thinking I can be like everyone else and do that every once and a while. She wanted to pound it into my head that, for now, I am different and it's extra importnat that I get my food in every day to prevent slipping backwards. So, anyway, I wrote it. It was 9 pages. Single spaced. And it accounted every phase my eating disorder has taken. It documented all the messed up behaviors. All the secrets. It documented all the things I did in private every day. And, after each phase, I made a point to write that it's important to remember a) how bad it got and how unejoyable it made life... but also b) to realize HOW it got there. The eating disorder always becomes all consuming so innocently. With 1 food rule, 1 exercise rule, 1 skipping of a meal to compensate, etc. etc. Anyway, writing this really made me realize how easily and how often I do slip backwards - and, when it slips backwards - it made me realize how it totally drags down the quality of life in a big, big way that no one except me (and other ED people maybe) can understand. So, I read it all out loud to the therapist today. It took me 40 min to read the whole thing. And it was SOOOOOOO therapeutic. I have never told anyone all of that. Jane knows 10% of what I told my program therapist, and Tracy probably knows 15 or 20%. Seriously. What I told the program therapist was 100% honest. It made me realize that - wow - um, I do have an eating disorder and have had one for a while. And, it goes in and out of phases... but I have never been "normal" in 7 years, since it began. And it made me realize how quickly it can get awful. And it made me realize what my red flags are. Anyway, after I read that to her, my therapist said, "If I had read this before you came to this program, I wouldn't have let you come. I would have made you go to residential." Part of me was surprise to hear her say that, and part of me wasn't - since Tracy and Dr. E already were pushing for residential.

• In sharing my Worst Eating Disordered Day essay with my program therapist, I realized something: So, sometimes I am resentful that I am cannot be like other "normal" people can be with food. I feel like, because I have ED tendencies, I have to be more careful with my food than a normal person - and that has previously pissed me off. I ahve really resented that. Normal people can skip meals, but I can't. That sucks! Why can't I just skip a meal when I feel like it?! What if I'm busy?! Normal people can not eat a big enough lunch and get the rest of their food in later, when their hunger strikes them. Why can't I just do that?! I have really resented the fact that I have been told that I have to be more vigilant with my food. But, after reading what I read to my therapist today, I get it. I do have to. Eating my food is a big deal. Because if I don't eat my food one meal or one day, it is SO easy for that to, quickly, spiral into a horrible existence. So... previously, I've dwelled on what I DON'T GET. I DON'T GET the ability to just skip meals when I feel like it. I DON'T GET the ability to skimp on my meals when I feel like it. But, today, something changed... instead of focusing on what I DON'T GET, I am focusing on what I DO GET. I DO GET to eat! How yummy! I DO GET to have a stable energy source all the time! HOW AWESOME! Having to eat my meals isn't a punishment - it's a tasty part of living! It's like a prize! Eating can be fun! So why don't I just appreciate the fact that I HAVE TO EAT. I mean, I've spent so long dwelling over the fact that people won't just let me skip meals when I feel like it. But, really, why am I so down about the fact that I have to eat? Really?! I mean - eating is fun, tastes good, is social. So, instead, I will not dwell over what I CAN'T DO... but I will BE HAPPY FOR AND LOOK FORWARD TO WHAT I HAVE TO DO - which is show up at the table, several times a day.

• Ate breakfast today even though I wasn't hungry for it because I wanted to meet my contract goals.

• I'm noticing less over thinking with food, less care about the calories, less having to "talk myself back to sanity" after eating... more used to feeling food in me... more accepting of that feeling. I'm also noticing that I'm not getting as full after the food anymore. I don't know if I'm simply interpreting that fullness differently or if, literally, it's taking more food to fill me up. It's kind of fun to become reaquainted with hunger and fullness... it's like Eating Kindergarten. I'm also noticing that you don't have to be ravenous in order to eat. Somehow your body just magically handles all the food I'm giving it. I seriously don't know how this happens. But if there's one thing I'm learning here it's this: I do not have to understand something in order for it to be true.

• I did break my exercise contract today and I ran when I got home. Just a couple of miles... but that's still not acceptable according to them. I thought running would help with bloatedness - it didn't.

• Program food today was: egg salad with dill on a sesame bagel for lunch. Snack was wheat thins and hummus. Dinner was cheese ravioli with AMAZING mushroom/spinach/marinara sauce with a side salad. I sorta had a PM snack, but it's not exactly the size they want it to be, so I don't know if they'll count it. I had a square of dove dark chocolate.

• Pretty sure we're not supposed to talk a/b bodies, but today, a girl in the program told me that I should wear my tight pants more often (haha! I have this one pair of pants that are meant to be tighter... I've worn them twice). She goes, "You have such a beautiful, feminine, athletic body and the pants show it off!" I could have taken that to mean "you're fat," but I didn't. I took it as a compliment.