Program Day 3

• 100% Day: Breakfast - check; morning snack - check; lunch - check; afternoon snack - check; dinner - 50%. But I don't think I'm getting in trouble for dinner because no one checked my plate afterwards or made a comment or anything. Plus, dinner tonight was at a restaurant, so I'm not even sure the 100% rule applies. the 100% thing was super hard, but I told myself "Try it for a week or two and see." And I told myself "All these other people are doing it and they are not fat." And I said "You never know when insurance will drop you; get as much as you can out of this program while you're here. Don't waste your time. You don't want to look back and wish you had started trusting the portions earlier." But, eating the food taught me a lot. It taught me that I freak out about fullness... but it also taught me that fullness doesn't stick around forever.... it also taught me that maybe I'm just used to being more empty than what is normal. Maybe my neutral is actually too empty. Maybe normal people walk around with a higher level of satiety than me all day. I also learned that, actually, my body uses the food and, while I wasn't hungry for the snacks, I did get hungry for the next meal. I also learned that, at times when the staff said "nope, eat more," and I feared I'd be STUFFED... I wasn't actually stuffed.... so I mis-calculated how full I'd be. PS: when the staff mean 100%, they mean 100%. I did everything except lick my plate. I tried to get up TWICE today when they told me to sit my batootie back down b/c I wasn't done. The first time there were some cheese crumbles left. The second time there was some yogurt left... but I'm talking like.... hardly anything. And I still had to eat it. And the question came up "But why?! normal people would be allowed to eat this?!" And my thought was "What if you find out that your body really can handle all this food... you might as well try it and find out...."

• Lots of times, I find myself wondering "But WHY do I have to eat all of this if I'm not hungry? WHY do I eat cereal and fruit with yogurt and lasagna and salad and trail mix and a teriyaki chicken wrap and sweet potato chips? WHY? WHY are they so sure I need all of this? Are they SURE my body can handle that? Are they SURE normal people eat like that? Are they SURE that they don't just make us do this simply because we're ED patients? DO THEY REMEMBER THAT I'M NOT EXERCISING?! DO THEY REMEMBER THAT?! To answer these questions I have in my head, I've been asking the staff. Like, today, after afternoon snack, I asked the staff person sitting next to me, "REALLY? REALLY - ACTUALLY do normal people eat all of this? I mean, I can't imagine someone eating lasagna for lunch AFTER they had cereal + a snack for breakfast. And I REALLY can't imagine someone eating dinner AFTER they had lasagna for lunch. So I ask.... "Are you serious? Are you serious that people eat all of this? Normal people?" And the staff says yes. And here's the thing - the staff are NOT AT ALL overweight... and, yet, they eat all of that. See, I could say "Jane and Tracy don't eat" if I wanted to... because I never see them eat. But these staff members... I see them eat. I could tell you everything they ate all day long. And all these girls on maintain plans eat all of this too... and they are not fat AT ALL. So... okay, proof. Another thing: If I can train my body to be able to handle all of this food... WHY NOT GO FOR IT!? Heck! If I'm operating on a 1200 cal/day metabolism or less due to metabolic damage (which could be the case... I don't know...)... that's selling myself short! What if I could eat in a way that allows me to operate at an 1800 cal/day metabolism or something like that. I don't want to be selling myself short! I want to be able to eat more and KNOW that my body can handle it. So, I guess I better train it to do so. Plus, I'll just never find out if my body can handle ALL OF THIS unless if I try it (for more than just a single day). And... the other thing... the question of: Do Normal people REALLY TRULY sit down for a snack after having LASAGNA AND A SALAD FOR LUNCH!!!!!????!!!??? WEll... maybe the answer is no. They might not sit down.... but you know what they might do? They might stroll past the snack drawer, pull it open, grab a few crackers and a small handful of almonds, and eat as they go on about their day. They might eat in a much less formal way. I could imagine that being the case.

• Today I'm actually surprised at how my body WAS ACTUALLY getting hungry again before the next meal. I was hungry before dinner and before lunch. I was not hungry before AM or afternoon snack though. It'll be interesting to learn what my body actually can and can't handle

• I had a phone session with Jane today. She's thrilled with the program and all the opportunity I have to get stuff out of it. But one thing she really wants me to bring up with the staff there (and she said she'd call them too) is that I seriously have no idea why I'm there. I mean, I don't feel like I have a reason to be there. I really don't. I don't even feel eating disordered. And, you'd think that, in group therapy, people would talk and I'd totally relate and then I'd understand why I'm there.... but that doesn't happen. I do relate... in the past. I remember. I don't relate in the present. I feel very disconnected... and I can't figure out a reason why I'm there. And the other girls ask me "Do you mind me asking what it is you struggle with?" The answer they're looking for is "restriction" or "bingeing" or "purgeing" or "overexercise" or "bulimia" or "anorexia." But I have no idea what to tell them! I've been asked this question over and over again and I have NO CLUE what to tell them. So my answer is always, "No, I don't mind you asking, but I really have no idea what to tell you." Jane says that my answer is "restriction" and "overexercising." But that doesn't even quite make sense to me. And I just feel like I don't make sense. The only time I've felt like I made sense was when I told my whole store, start to present to Dr. E. I jsut have such a disjointed story in my head... I think it's just weird b/c I was at my worst before ever talking to Jane or Tracy... so I sometimes feel like they don't even think I have an ED. And maybe I don't. And Tracy has never seen my weight at it's lowest... b/c in the 6 months before talking to her, I gained 20 pounds. So I think that part of this "what is my problem" question is due to the fact that the 3 - 4 years of my ED pre-Tracy, pre-Jane have not really been told to anyone. So, anyway, lots of times I feel like I shouldn't be at the program because I don't really know why I'm there. I really don't. And I can't ask the staff because they don't know me either. And, often, I feel like the staff doesn't think I should be there either. And I think the other girls are confused by me too. They're like "but, wait, she doesn't really binge... she doesn't really purge.... but she weighs what she weighs so she's not anorexic.... she must not restrict..... she says comments in group that we all find helpful... she seems to be able to give us all good advice... so.... what? why is she here?"

• This week I talked to Jane and tomorrow I'll see Tracy, but I don't know if I'll be continuing with them after this week because, since I now have no income, etc., and insurance will not pay for them while I'm in the program (and insurance wasn't paying for Tracy in the first place), my parents have to decide if I should still talk to Jane and Tracy. Yes, I want to talk to them. But it's not really my call and I totally understand why my parents would be confused... like, if you're in this 8hr a day, 6 day a week thing then why do you need Jane and Tracy, you know? I have to admit though, the thought of not having them makes me feel sad and alone. Losing them and I feel like I lose the only people who understand me and know me better than I konw myself. If I lose them, I guess I just fear that no one else will care. Then again, maybe I don't need anyone to care. Clearly I'm confused.

• I am a big fan of group therapy. I spoke in it again a few times. I haven't shared anything or "processed" anything... but I've offered support and given advice based off what I've noticed or what has worked for me and I've offered insight into how I see the other person thinking and questioned them further. Reasons I like group therapy: 1) We all get to play therapist 2) I get to see the therapists interact with other patients and not just me; 3) It reminds me of what I already know; Also, group therapy sometimes makes me a bit sad b/c I look around and see all these amazing women and I think "HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY ARE?! HOW CAN THEY THINK THEY HAVE TO BE PERFECT! WHY DON'T THEY SEE THEY'RE PERFECT JUST AS THEY ARE!" And it saddens me to see the way some people experience life. But I'm also super optimistic b/c I ahve total faith that they all will get better. I just wish I could give them a crystal ball and let them, too, see themselves in the future, recovered (and not fat as a result), and realize it'll all work out.

• Today we drew "Angel Cards." They're just cards to set intentions for the week. Mine was "Angel of Group Consciousness."

• Back to this again but... I feel stupid for beign in the program. I feel like I should be out, living my life. I don't really need to be in the program. I'm just being lazy by taking a break from life. I FEEL like a baby... because I do get a lot out of it, but I'm not so sure I really need to be there... so I feel like I'm just like using treatment as a vacation from life when I don't need one. Maybe treatment is just an excuse. I don't know. But I do really wonder why I'm there...

• One great thing about being in a program is that you are occupied after you eat. Today, after I ate the lasagna for lunch, I was seriously experiencing a freaking internal hurricane. I was thinking "HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO EAT A SNACK IN 2.5 HOURS!!!! IF THIS WERE REAL LIFE, I WOULDN'T BE EATING FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!" If I had been left to my own devices, I would have been preoccupied by this all day. I would have avoided food. I would ahve been disconnected from others b/c I'd have too much attention on my stomach - just watiing for the fullness to go away... waiting to feel empty again. But you can't do this in a program! It's simply not allowed! You must eat the next snack/meal. No ifs/ands/ or buts. But, in a program, I don't go all crazy inside. I do for a brief moment... but then we're onto the next activity. Suddenly we're taking a short group walk... then we're in "food and feelings" group and "body and spirit" group and "primary group," and, before I know it... "oh, I'm not full anymore."

• Something else that is great about the program is that it quiets my mind. Instead of always wondeirng "what should I do about tomorrrow... should I eat? Or not? What should I do about the next meal? Should I skip it?" It takes all that thinking away because you simply know that you will eat. And that could be a freaky thing... but it's also a really relieving thing too. I can't really imagine eating breakfast tomorrow, but I will eat morning snack and lunch and afternoon snack and dinner. Of course I'm wondeirng how this will be possible... (how do people really eat all of that?! but they do! it turns out they do!) ... but I know that I'll be in a rhythm of eating. I know it. And there's just something safe about that. A safe, nice feeling.