Program Day 6

• I am continually surprising myself by the reaction I'm having to the food at the program. It feels like my skin is the surface of a river with a very strong current. My heart feels like it pounds. And sometimes I feel like I have to take a deep breath just to catch a breath. And, on top of that, I seriously feel like I'm about to faint. And I'm not even exageratting. This is how I feel in "Weekend Food Planning" Group or in Food and Feelings Groups... or anytime we have to select, out of a list of options, what to eat for snack. I guess I didn't know that I reacted this way to food because I've just never been in a situation before where I'm eating this (what they say is) normally, this consistently - even despite the fact that I haven't been eating outside of program, it's still more normally than I was eating before. Anyway, bottom line, I am taking myself by surprise with my reactions to this. I jsut really didn't expect the eating part of the program to be this challenging.

• I guess it's good that I'm in the program then. Because, deep down, I know they're not feeding me some absurd meal plan - I mean, the staff is eating the same thing as me... So, intellectually, I know that this must not really be as much food as it seems.... so it's great that I'm kind of "trapped" into this eating structure. Because I might freak out but I know that this has just got to become easier. There's just no way that this way of eating works for EVERYONE else EXCEPT for me. Right? I mean, the staff have all been in my position before - trying to learn to eat normally again and feel okay about it - and they have all come out on the other side and they SWEAR that you can eat normally and that your body can handle food and that you can feel happy eating normally. There's just no way that they're all lying, right? So... it's really good that I'm being forced into this structure where I'll eat more normally and, supposedly, i'll discover that my body can handle this...... It's good that i'm forced into this structure because there would be no way in hell I'd be doing this on my own. If it were up to me, I would have skipped diner tonight, and breakfast this morning. If it were up to me..... oh man, well... yeah, I'll leave it at that. So it's good that I can't run away - that I must be forced through the meals.... It's really, really, really, really good and I'm SOOOOO grateful for this.

• One of my official "treatment goals" is to be able to identify which is calling the shots - eating disordered part of my mind or my body. Truly, right now, I keep thinking and re-thinking and re-thinking about the food I ate today... I CANNOT find a way to feel okay about it using my mind. But if I pause and think about my body, maybe I can find more peace. Am I too full? No. Was I too full at any point of today? No. Was I hungry before breakfast? Yes. Was I hungry before lunch? VERY VERY MUCH. Was I hungry before afternoon snack? OH YEAH. Was I hungry before dinner? A little. Has my body, so far, been able to handle this food? Yeah. Do I feel like I'm getting huge? Yes. But am I? No. Do I feel full or satisfied now? Satisfied. Ok, so my body says 100% of everything is fine right now. The only part of me that hasn't caught on is my mind... but my goal is to follow a) my meal plan and b) my body. So, technically, I am free to relax because I did htose two things. Being reeled in and realizing that my body is okay with the food so far DOES help.

• I'm just in shock with how much food I was fed today, so let me recap: Breakfast: 2 waffles (Kashi brand I think) with 3 tablespoons syrup (yes, I found the recipe.... ) and 1 banana and 1.5 cups of vanilla soy milk!!!!!! (That is like 7x the breakfast I would have been comfortable eating). Lunch: turkey sandwich with cheese and 1 milano cookie. Snack: 1/2 cup of yogurt and 20 (yes, I counted them) grapes. Dinner: 6 grilled shrimp + some rice and some broccoli and a chocolate chip cookie. But the thing to remember: my body is not overly full, which means it's using the food.

• A huge part of me feels like I should go on a long run or walk to "make room for this food," but another part of me is remembering my goals: To figure out what my body can handle. So, it's important tonight to not go "exercise the food off," because I want to see if, even after eating all of this today, if tomorrow I can wake up and still be hungry for meals. Things to remember: even if I do gain a lot of weight, it's not permanent. The point is though... if everything the program says is possible is possible.... then it'll be so worth it... so I just have to eat to find out.

• Today at breakfast I didn't put all of my syrup on my waffles, and so they made me DRINK the syrup by itself. They're not kidding when they say 100%.

• It's REALLY hard for me to find the rationale behind eating all of this. There have been tims in my eating disorder when I've been told to gain weight. Ok, THAT is a rationale for eating all of this. There have been times when getting too hungry led to overeating/bingeing.... that is not happening and hasn't happened in so long that I'm not even afraid of bingeing anymore. Since I'm not supposed to gain weight and since I'm not at risk for bingeing, then why do I have to eat? I posed this question to the staff and clients today. After they explained that it's a/b a relationship with food, I then said, "Well what if I'm happy in my life and I don't want to finish the chili (referencing yesterday's meal that caused me to get an official warning)?" Then finally one client said, "You aren't allowed to restrict because you're at risk for full blown anorexia. Just accept that you're anorexic." But I'M NOT. that's the thing... Anyway, so part of my job is to figure out why it is I ahve to eat the food. I guess one reason is simply... b/c it'd be cool to know I can. I don't know... I'm still very confused a/b why I have to eat all this food.

• Had my 2nd meeting with my program therapist today where we started a list of treatment goals. I don't remember waht they all are, but she siad the two most important ones that need immediate attention are 1) follow meal plan 100% - including food outside of here; 2) Stop moving just for sake of calorie burn (when I arrived earlier the other day, I walked up and down the stairs just to "make room" for "all the food" we were about to have to eat) and 3) Realize that I have an eating disorder and I do need to be here.

• I have an assignment from my therapist that is meant to help bring me out of denial. It's an essay I have to write called "My Worst Eating Disordered DAy." See, I don't know what to write though. I mean, my worst ED day sophomore year of college is different than it was senior year, which is different than it was last year.... I told my therapist today "I don't ahve an ED b/c I don't have a 'system' like I used to." She told me that it's not that my ED has gone away, it's that it has evolved... ok, I kinda get that. Anyway, I told her that I am expecting to write this and to feel no connection to it. Like, I'd write about a girl who I don't know. I'd write and feel like "that couldn't happen to me" even thought the girl in the essay would be me. I'd write it and think "yeah, that happened but that won't happen to me now.... I'm so far from that." So, I was kind of disturbed by the idea of having to write this essay, so I was thinking a/b it while driving home from program today. And here are some thoughts I have to start me off: You never go from where you are now to imeediately being at "the worst ED day." However, what is true is that, once you skip a meal once, it is more likely to skip it the next day. Or, once you cut something out of your sandwich once, suddenly you feel like you can't ever add it back in. And these are small little changes, but, quickly, they change your idea of what is "normal." And... I tend to think that I'm worse when I'm meticulously counting calories as opposed to estimating them. Or I tend to think I'm worse when my weight drops too low. Or I tend to think I have a "system" going... but, thing is... when I do veer off the "meal plan" (not that I've ever been on it 100%), I do, slowly but also quickly, change my idea of normal... and then, slowly but quickly, my thoughts go towards food and body... and, slowly but quickly, I become rigid with my expectations of what I should eat.... and, slowly but quickly, I begin to feel like there's a hurricane going on inside of me when I venture outside of this "normal." So - who cares what my weight is. Who cares what my system is. My eaitng disorder has evolved... but the common denominator is a total fear of my body gaining weight and a total preoccupation with food and body. So, maybe I'll start my essay talking a/b how you never go straight to "your worst eating disordered day." Maybe I'll start the essay by reminding myself how I've slipped backwards on several occasions over the last few years by just making minor changes that led to bigger changes. And, really, for me, the thing htat has NEVER left - the rule that has NEVER left is the calorie counting. It leaves for bits and pieces of time... but it always comes back and it comes back fast. And I, still, 7 years later, write the calories on my hand. And, I still, 7 years later, feel like there should be a "calorie ceiling." So, I don't know how I feel about this essay, but maybe it will be a good thing to write...

• We had family group today. The family members and all the clients came together for 2 hours, with a couple of therapists present. This was my parents first group. I think my parents felt relieved to know that there were other people out there (other parents or husbands or boyfriends) who felt the same frustration they did. My worry was that they were going to take everything every client said and think it applied to me - when it didn't. So I found it necessary to "Debrief" with them afterwards, which was good. My dad point blank asked me a question a/b some weird food behaviors he's noticed me having, and I answered him honestly. That type of honest communication is new for us - just in this past year - but it's super good.

• In Creativity Group, we had to make a booklet for our "supporters" to explain to them the right way to help. I instead made a little poster, but it starts with my behavior of Not eating a meal. Then it says DON'T SAY: "You need to eat" or "I'm not putting up with this." or "Don't rebel." or "How do you expect to get over this?" or make some sort of exasperated face. Instead, the dialogue could look like this:

SUPPORTER: Are you not eating yet because your'e not hungry? (not assuming anything)

ME: Gosh! (or some bad reaction)

SUPPORTER (Ignore it.... drop the topic)

or I could say:

ME: Yeah, I'll eat later.

[Time passes and I still haven't eaten or I start to eat something not normal for a meal]

SUPPORTER: ASK me what my goals are and what I've learned about the body. If I don't want to answer you, you can remind me what my goals are and what I've learned.

HERE'S WHAT I'VE LEARNED ON PROJECT: TRUST BODY

1) I'm here to find out how much food my body can handle and still maintain its weight.

2) i'm here to find out if my body can handle different amounts of food every day.

3) I'm here to find out if you can feel food in you without gaining weight.

4) So far, I've eaten when full and not gained weight.

5) So far, my body has gotten hungry for the next meal, even when I ate a seemingly too big meal at a snack earlier.

6) So far, even on days when I have gotten full my weight has maintained more or less

7) One snack/meal won't make me fat.

8) Fullness does not equal Fat

9) The weight I'm at now is desirable - in my experience, I lose my weight when I'mjust 3 - 5 pounds less than this. Also, Im the same weight I was in high school.

10) Fullness does not equal weight gain.

11) The only way to find out how much my body can eat is to eat.

12) What if it turns out I can eat more than I think. What if the RDs and the therapists are right. That would be so cool.... only one way to find out! (eat)

• My new program therapist pushes me in a way I've never been pushed before. I went into session with her today totally not willing to eat outside of program, and I left being like "oh... I kinda want to.... hm... I might.... I'm nervous a/b this but maybe I should give it a go." Every time I spoke she was just like "That's eating disordered." (She thinks I'm in massive denial so she feels the need to point it out all the time). and I kept saying things and she kept saying Why Why Why. Until I just got to a breaking point where I didn't know the answer anymore... and I realized that everything I was SURE wa slogical was actually ILLOGICAL and EATING DISORDERED. I mean, damn, she makes me realize a lot. But man oh man I WANT to be pushed, so this is good.

• Today in Weekend Planning Group, - it was a/b food and what we were going to eat - and I was sof reaking anxious that I didn't want to talk in the group. And all the other clients (there are only like 5 of us who have to come on Saturdays too) were like, "Laura... it's weird when you don't talk. What happens to you in these food groups? You all of the sudden lose your voice. I get worried about you when you don't talk..." And then I started to talk but my teeth started to chatter b/c.... I just don't know but clearly I have problems - lol. And my therapist was in the room, so I turned to her and was like , "Um, I think I have issues - help..." (I said it in a cutey/jokey voice) and she goes "Ooooh, you are sooooo going to regret you said that." haha.

• Because I haven't been eating outside of the program, and because it's starting to become evident to the staff how difficult the eating has been and because I told my therapist that I found a way to count the calories for the program food since they let me in the kitchen.... the following has happened:

1) I have "100% of meal plan - including outside of program" on my contract

2) No more kitchen privileges (which translates into no more dishes duty... yes! haha)

3) My request for more water is turned down.

4) I am on observations 100% of the time to prevent writing down of calories and unnecessary pacing/movement.

• So, here's the thing.... yes, this is harder than I expected. But that's good. Because I'll keep showing up, and it'll get easier... and I have to push through it... and I'll be so glad I did in the end.

• I feel like the other girls are starting to understand why I'm there....