ramble....

Warning: I'm not thinking calmly or positively right now, and the purpose of this blog isn't really to figure anything out... it's just to get thoughts on paper.

I'm not having a good week with food. And it's really bugging me. It's making me feel paralyzed.

I'm happy and having a good week when I'm with students (tutoring) or when I'm preparing their lessons... during those times I feel good.

But every other moment i'm not feeling good. My eating is really bothering me. I'm eating a ton of food that I do not want. I'm overeating a lot. I'm choosing foods I don't want. And it makes me feel out of control. then I end up feeling mad and sad and upset. For whatever reason, I think about food and tracy adn end up crying every night. This is strange for me; I don't normally cry a lot. But every night it's the same thing.

I guess I feel confused. I feel like nothing's really that wrong with me but everyone seems to be telling me that I'm not allowed to feel good when I do feel good. Like, I have a week that makes me feel good with food and it gets shot down (maybe I just perceive it as being shot down?)

I feel like I can't ever talk either. In Jane's office, I stop myself from speaking before I even speak because I predict what she'll say in response to me and I have the whole imaginary conversation in my head and see myself just being shot down by her. I don't even want to blog to say "I ate too much" because I dont' want to write what I ate (b/c I don't wnat to face it) and, if I don't write what I ate, I fear that blog readers will just be like "you never eat too much. it's all in your mind." No, it's not all in my mind.

This seems to be a theme with me. No one is ever shooting me down or yelling at me or telling me I'm not good enough; but I seem to perceive it that way a lot.

I guess I'm feeling not good with myself. Maybe it's because I haven't been running. Really, int he past 8 days I've only run once. At first it was because my friend was here, then it was because I didn't feel good, and now it's b/c I feel frozen with too much food in me that I can't run. Running has never been a compensatory thing for me; it has always been a fun hobby that gets taken away when food gets off (on the too much or the too little side).

For wahtever reason i'm just feeling like no one will take me seriously or believe me. So I don't even feel like saying to Jane, Tracy, or anyone what I'm thinking or feeling.

I just cancelled my next appt with Tracy. This is what I said in the e-mail:

Hi Tracy,

I hope you're relaxing and enjoying your weekend.

I think I'm going to cancel Thursday's appointment. There's a few reasons for this.

1) I haven't written my food down for three days and can't promise to write it down for the upcoming days. So what if I don't have a food diary by Thursday?

2) I want freedom to eat how I want to eat. I feel like if I can manage to eat how I want to eat, you will think it's bad eating. So, if I do start eating well, I'm not sure I want to show you because I don't wnat you to tell me to change it.

3) When I'm not eating in the way I want to eat, it's my own fault and there's nothing you or anyone can do anymore to help me change. No goal can help me. I just have to do it. I know how I want to eat; I know how to eat; I am motivated.... and sometimes I still just don't. There's nothing anyone but me can do about that. Actually, when my eating gets off I think it's a message that I'm not taking care of myself very well (in other ways - not just food)... Point is... I have a zillion tools. It's up to me to use them.

All I know is that this week is going to be bad again so I don't wan to talk about it. Either it'll continue on as it has been and it'll be bad according to me and you, or I'll turn it around and it'll be bad according to you and good according to me. I just will never eat in the way you want me to eat. I can think of lots of meals I want to eat, but I know you'd look at them and say "more starch" or "more protein" or "don't count calories," and I'm just left wondering how I'll ever eat well enough. I just don't know what's wrong with the way I want to eat? I still don't know what's majorly wrong with the food diary from a couple of weeks ago. You didn't like it, but I was feeling good and that is exactly how I want to eat. If I coudl replicate that and eat that again this week, I would.

All I want is to eat 3 meals a day that are comprised of foods that make me feel good, energetic, nourished, happy, and healthy. i don't care about the composition of these meals; I care about how they make me feel and that's all. I know what these foods are that make me feel good. I no longer need help picking what to eat or accepting foods as "safe." I don't know what I need help with anymore. I don't know what I need or what I even need to work on. Maybe you were onto something when you told me to write in my food diary when I'm choosing something that I don't want. Perhaps I can work on that: choosing foods that I really want. If I think back to these past few days, and I think times when I ate what I didn't want to eat... what I really wanted was healtheir food but I dind't have it available... or, what I really wnated was to feel taken care of, comfortable, and relaxed.....or, what I wanted was to not worry. That's helpful information. Okay, I don't know if I'll start keeping my food diary tomorrow or not (I am just sick of writing my food down all the time), but I'll at least start asking myself the question "What do I really want?" before I eat.

so... I'm really sorry! I know I'm just being incredibly lazy, but I don't want to write down my food anymore. For whatever reason, I feel like I'm turning eating into this huge pressure game. Like I'm trying to get it "right" so that I can "ace" the "nutrition course." I know this isn't a nutrition course; I know I'm not doing this for a grade. I just need to relax, settle into my body and what I want, and go with that without worrying if it's "good enough" or not.

I'm really going to miss talking to you this Thursday, actually. I do always look forward to getting to talk to you. But I don't want to keep my food diary, and I don't know how we can talk without a food diary. Maybe the next time we talk we can talk about goals so that we are both on the same page? I know this isn't about me making you happy, but I want to know what would make you happy anyway? What do you want to see from me? Maye you can answer those questions the next time we talk?

Do you want to talk the following Wed (the 11th) or Friday (13th) <--woah, Friday the 13th! Let me know your thoughts....

Thanks and I'm sorry,

Laura


What no one gets... no one....NO ONE... is that ALL I WANT is to eat in a rhythym. I want to eat b, l, d and I want to eat foods that make me feel good. No one gets that when my food gets off, what bothers me the most is that I lose a rhythym. I dont' eat dinner b/c I graze and feel guilty. In my mind, I make a committment to not eat the next meal or to eat better at the next meal, and then it doesn't happen. I think this happens because I slip into a mindset of "I can't eat" but I also slip into a fearful mindset of "I'm goign to get into so much trouble if I don't eat" and I also have the mindset of "But i want to eat" so when all three of those mindsets combine... I'm left wtih grazing on foods that are unhealthy... I'm left eating junky foods. And it doesn't make me feel good. And I feel frozen. And then I get dehydrated b/c I get so afraid to put anything in my body including water. Adn then I can't run b/c I'm too fat to run and I can't run unless I'm feeling good (kind of a catch 22 b/c running also makes me feel good)... so since my eaitng has been off, I havn't been running. And since I haven't been running, my legs ACHE as I fall asleep at night b/c they havne't been used as much as they're used to being used.

and what no one gets is that....

the only thing htat bothers me is the lack of rhythym

when i'm feeling good and i'm in a rhythm this is what happens: wake up, hungry, eat a good healthy breakfast, feel energetic and good about self, enjoy run, have a morning, get hungry, interact with food in a positive and enjoyable way as i prepare lunch, eat and enjoy lunch and feel nourished and happy, have an afternoon, get hungry, interact with food in a positive and enjoyable way as i prepare dinner, eat dinner, have evning, get cozy, put pjs on, brush teeth and wash face, have tea, read, fall comfortably asleep....

when i get out of that rhythm... wait, why do i get out of the rhythm? i guess guilt. guilt and bad body image. hmmm... so that's how i stop it.

how did i get out of the rhythm this time? well, i had that chocolate bar. Then, the next day, I felt full. I felt really full. I skipped breakfast and dind't eat until 4:30pm. I had 2 eggs on an english muffin. Then I felt stuffed again. Then, honestly, I don't remember what I ate the rest of the night but it must have been bad... probably lots of sugar or something. oh yeah, the rest of the night I had a cup of brown rice and spinach/lentils on top and i felt STUFFED. and then i wanted food again even though i felt stuffed... so i had this candy bar thing that was disgusting, but i ate it anwyay. and i think i had too manhy toppings too. And probalby a few spoonfuls of ice cream. Then I felt full and thirsty. Then I couldn't run b/c I ate sugar and was thirsty. Then I felt paralyzed b/c I was so "bad"... paralyzed and frozen. then what happened? Then the next day was yesterday.... what did I eat for breakfast? this is weird, i am having trouble recalling my food; that dind't used to happen! Seriously, what did I eat for breakfast yesterday? oooh! haha, i remember. It was 12:15pm and I was leaving Jane's office and she "scolded" me for not bringing food. I had brought food, but I had hid it form her. I felt bad so I admitted hiding it form her. So she made me stay late and sit in front of her and eat it. I ate it. it was oatmeal. I didn't want to eat it. I felt off form the last two nights in a row. I had left a message for trayc tleling her i was only going to sip water rand tea all day long... and jane was getting in the way of that plan. but i knew wating was the right thing to do. so i ate the oatmeal. that's right. then I felt paralyzed b/c I felt full. Everything just felt off. Because I had been feeling full for a few days. I just wasn't feeling healthy. And I was thirsty. And then at 4pm I got hungry again... but i think i was just thirsty... but i was about to tutor a student and dind't want to be distracted by hunger (which was really thirst) so I ate TWO luna bars and felt better. And then I felt okay... but by this time I hadn't had a sip of water or any liquid besides coffee all day and.... i went to work at the fro yo shop. and i had a headache from being so thirsty. and, that night, at the fro yo shop, i had three 4 oz servings of fro yo WITH LOTS OF TOPPINGS and then i had a scoop of ice cream and i felt paralyzed. i had trouble interacting with the custoemrs b/c i felt full and i just felt gross and unhealthy. and then i felt sad b/c i knew i couldn't run now b/c i felt frozen. then i went to nicole's (former roommate's) and we watched grey's together. and we cuddled on the couch under the same blanket. And she made chocolate chip, pumpkin, walnut bread. And when it came out of hte oven she was SOOO proud of herself. she asked me if i wanted a slice. i knew she'd be so happy to see me eat a slice of something like htat, so i said yes. I ate all of the slice but one bite. and i was still so thirsty b/c i still hadn't had anything to dirnk all day. thing is, i no longer felt frozen b/c i was with her and i felt okay and connected and engaged and supported and loved. and then today came.... and i told myself i have to eat well and i know i have to interact with food. so i ate a good solid breakfast of oatmeal and two eggs today b/c I wanted to feel healthy and get back on track... i ate this at 12:30 but whatever. then i wnet to tutor and i tutored until 5pm. Then id rove straight to the fro yo store and arrived there at 6pm. Then i had some samples and felt paralyzed and frozen b/c i didn't know what to do. why was i eating junk again? eventually i had my dinner, which i had cooked and it was tasy and tracy would have knocked it for not including any starches but whatever. it was good. pananag curry sauce and chicken and a millino gazillion veggies. and i felt too full. too full to have a conversation. then, the fullness went away and i fetl hungry. but maybe thirsty. so i forced myself to sip water. and i felt afraid of myself. afraid i was getting fatter. afraid to touch or glance at myself. and then i put the toppings away and i had some of hte toppings. and then i had 2 more things of junk food and i'm not writing it here... and i cried the whole time i was eating the junk food b/c i didn't like the taste and i wanted to stop eating it. then i realized i could stop eating it, so i did. an di sat in a traffic jam crying with unfinished junk food in the car. two things of it. and feeling gross. and thinking that i've gained so much weight. and thinking that i just want to eat how i want to eat. and feeling stuck.

but do you see what's wrong here? not foods i want and not meals - way more than enough calories but not MEALS. this is why decent day to me meant three meals and foods i want.

and now that i write this

i realize i'm not stuck

i need to relax

i need to care for myself

and just let myself eat how i want to eat.

now that i write all this out here it doesn't seem so hard

all i want is to eat three meals that make me feel good. that is all. i could care less right now a/b macronutrients and calories. three meals that make me feel good, nourished, and cared for. that's what the goals is for tomorrow. that's how i get decent day seventeen...

okay, thanks for listning to the ramble.

the other thing i wonder is if maybe i don't really have an eating disorder.. maybe i'm just being brainwashed into thinking i have one...

can't i just be a person with a life! i am ready for that and wanting to do that and i feel like the only feedback i get is "more starch" (tracy) and "tha'ts the illusion" (jane)

I need to be my own parent tomorrow.

I need some calm self-talkin' goin on...

I think I can do that.