new thoughts/experiences having to do with eating and body image, and day 14

Blogging on this computer using this stolen internet requires lots of patience on my part, so I am going to save the "real" blogging for next week, when my computer is fixed. Maybe a little vacay from blogging will be good for me. Still, I'll try to get on and update on "decent days." I'll also try to keep on commenting.

I keep being so hunggy. I woke up SO hungry today. Seriously - what is with this hunger thing? The more I eat the hungrier I get it sometimes seems. It's kind of nice, actually; it's proof my body is working and it's proof that I'm not overeating at the previous meal; it's proof my body wants the food.

Lately I have been really just wanting to give my body food that makes my cells happy. I know this kind of sounds wierd, but imagining the cells of my body being given wholesome food that they can do something with makes eating fun and enjoyable to me. I want my body to have the nutrients and ingredients it needs to optimally function.

Also, I keep eating more than I'd normally allow myself at meals (as in the last few days) and I'm strangely at peace with it. I keep being surprised by this strange lack of freak out... lack of overthinking... lack of questioning... lack of rationalizing and justifying food. I wonder if I'm just letting myself off the hook easy or if it could really be the case that it's just - plain and simple - okay to eat like this. Tracy j ust called me a second ago to check in and she sounded pleased. I don't weigh myself, but I don't think I'm gaining weight. And I'm not overly full ever. So this must all be okay, right?

Today - even though I had some seriously substantial food yesterday - woke up hungry. I ate a whole wheat english muffin and two whole eggs (with yolks) and a banana. So shouldn't I be stuffed? How come I'm not? How come that was easy to eat? How come I jusst knew that I needed more food this morning and so I easily gave it to myself? I think this is all okay....

Another thing that I'm noticing changing is my attachment to body image. Lately, I can handle bad body image better because I feel less connected to it. I more am objectively observing how my body image changes and it doesn't take as much of a toll on me. I'll see myself and think I look okay and then I'll see myself and think I look fat. Before, when I thougth I looked fat, I went into self-hate mode. Lately, though, I'll think I look fat and I won't believe it. I'll know my eyes are just in a bad mood or something. I'm not skinny or even thin necessarily - but I'm not as fat as I sometimes see myself. When I see Fat Me in the mirror or window or when I feel the Fat Me based on the feel of my clothing or something, I just think "Yeah, this is one of those moments when I see myself as fat." But it doesn't mean I am. I know that just a bit ago I was okay with my size. I know that soon again I'll be okay with my size - however briefly. And, most importantly, I know that even if I feel fat, skipping meals cannot be an option.

Yesterday was a decent day - definitely. here's why: 3 meals + was hungry when I ate and was satisfied but not overstuffed when I was done eating + no calorie counting or measuring + ease of eating + very few disordered thoughts. there was just an ease of it all, an acceptance of eating whatever it is my body required. And even though I wouldn't say this would be a day that resembles super healthy eating or anything... it's fine by me to have one of these days every once in a while:

B: a bowl of cheerios with a banana AND THEN another bowl of cheerios (no banana) with vanilla soy milk - I drank the milk

L: brown rice (unmeasured but I'd say about 1.5 cups. all in all I imade 3 cups of rice and it was all gone by the end of the day, so somehow I ate 3 cups total by the day's end) + the entire left over fajita thing from a restaurant yesterday (peppers, shrimp, chicken with visible oil and sauce)

D: one and a half cups of brown rice with unmeasured (but plentiful) peanut sauce, an entire fillet (says its 3 oz) of salmon with teriyaki sauce and a side of this cabbage/apple salad that I like to make sometimes.

S: 1/2 english muffin toasted with a slice of full-fat melted cheese on it; other half of english muffin toasted and topped with low-fat cottage cheese and jam.


Today's schedule:
Breakfast, run, meet friend for lunch, cook/clean, call new student's parents, send in nov. schedule, deal with scheduling conflicts which will present themselves next week b/c of missouri, deposit check, other things on the list that i made on the back of the envelope, cook dinner, fro yo store/eat dinner before it gets busy!!!!

Tomorrow is super busy for me:
Breakfast, run (early. this must all happen before 8am), Jane, lunch, Tutor prep, tutor, tutor check in with boss, tutor prep, tutor, update students' info online, psychiatrist, dinner