Yo, yo friends. Guess what! This is ACTUALLY going to be a short post. I'm not even going to write with any sort of nice little transitions. Nope. We're going list-style blog tonight.
1) I worked at the frozen yogurt store for 13 hrs today. And that is a GREAT thing. You know what? Working serving fro yo for 13 hours is better than teaching and lesson planning for 13 hrs (which is basically how I spent my every day until now). And, after the 13 hrs are done, I'm done. I don't have to live with pre-teaching anxiety. And I didn't feel like a failure ever. And I was not locked in a room with a bunch of middle schoolers (whom I miss dearly, btw), hoping and praying that the day will be okay. Instead, I spent 13 hours interacting with customers, cutting strawberries and mango, gently pressing toppings onto perfectly swirled (I mean, *I* was the swirler after all...) fro yo.
2. Food was a disaster. As in I didn't eat all day long until 9pm and then I ate 4 oz of fro yo. (keep reading, the day didn't end like that - dont' worry) But, thing is, I wasn't feeling bogged down by the eating disorder. I just wanted to not have to think about it. I did bring food to the fro yo store, i just didn't eat it. Jane had told me t set my phone alarms to eat (those have never failed to get me to eat. that's what got me t eat so well yesterday; but today, i thought that I shouldn't need a phone alarm t make me eat, so I turned them off - yes, irresponsible choice...) I just didn't want it to be on my mind! But every time I just don't think about it, this is what happens. I would like to be in a freaking rhythym of eating and I would like that to happen without concentration. Um, apprently that is not realistic. So, since Jane/Tracy both want me to call them every day and tell them how I'm doing, I had to call them and say, "Hello, my name is Laura and I didn't eat - but not because of any disorder thing... it's more just like I didn't wnat to have to try." Sooooo lame, right? I mean, I either have to participate in this effort and try or I have to just give up and eat like a psycho creature. So, after I hung up the phone - oh yeah, wait ... back up.... I was majorly craving pizza. Okay, so after I hung up the phone I thought - what the heck am i doing? I'm hungry. I know waht I'm craving. I have not eaten all day. I just left the most lame message ever. I am not trying (because I don't want to try. I just wnat it to poof into place. Everytime I try I get in a bad mood because it's not easy.) So I decided to eat the pizza because, well, I can't say "I want food to be in a rhytym" and then just not do it. So I made the pizza -in the oven - I had to wait a full 18 min!!!! And I ate about 3/4 of it (not like a family style pizza. but slightly bigger than a small personal sized one). Basically, I just felt like an idiot. I couldn't believe I was telling tracy and jane i didn't eat. i mean, who am i? I couldn't bear to know that I had just told them that. So I ate the pizza and called them back and said "okay, i ate the pizza i told you i was craving. it tasted good. I can't think about it or i'll have an internal spazz attack so i'm just going to do something else now. but i ate the pizza because i couldn't believe myself when i told you i hadn't eaten all day and i felt bad saying that.... so i ate the pizza." I feel like I shouldn't eat tomorrow... but I don't even want to go there right now. I'm not in the mood to feel guilty. I'm not in the mood to think about food. Actually, I woud like Tracy to poof into my life and literally just put me on a leash and make me eat all 3 meals tomorrow and tell me it's okay as I do it. Okay, that's my quota as for how much I can think about food for the night. Quota reached. New topic.
3. The word Rythym. I cannot spell it. Ever. Rythm. Nope. Rhythm. oh! I got it! Yes! I write the word rhythm (got it again!) a lot and always misspell it.
4. I'm supposed to take the GRES tomorrow (Monday), but I'm thinking about not showing up because I feel very unprepared. I am in no rush to take them. I can take them at the end of this month or in November. I feel like I've hardly studied at all. But then I just took another practice test and my score went up like 200 points from the initial practice test I took so maybe I have been studying.... I don't know if I should take them still or not. If hardly studying raises my score that much, imagine what can happen if I actually study! Anyway, the jury is still out on if I'll show up at all.
5. This one is TMI, but thought I'd write it anyway. I do not digest rice. It just goes right through me. This is a recent development in the last year. Anybody know why this happens?
okay, signing off....
i should make a food plan for tomorrow before i sign off. i really don't want to. can imake one in the morning when i wake up? can i just not eat? no. that is not an option. kay... going to keep my actions in line wiht my goals. and that requires freaking intention and concentration - which is sooooo annoying (FOR REAL? AM I FOR REAL COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS! OMG IS THIS MY PROBLEM - THAT I HAVE TO FOCUS TO EAT NORMALLY?! THAT IS SOOOOOOOO NOT A PROBLEM. OKAY, I'M GRATEFUL THAT IS MY PROBLEM. At least I'm healthy - you knwo what i mean - kay....this blog is now officially making me hyper at a time when i have to go to sleep. time to shut zee computer. but before i do so i just want to say that i will make a food plan tomorrow i promise. it's going to be one of those concentration days beecause if i don't concentrate and end up running x miles and end up not eating then i will be a total psycho freakazoid who is putting in 0% effort and i like to think that i don't just do the 0% effort thing... so that measn back to focusing. okay now i'm getting mad that i have to focus b/c i'd rather not. i'm going to accept focus. normal ppl focus sometimes. i am officially making NO SENSE.
HA... NO SHAME IN THIS ENTRY, NO SHAME......
no, i am not on drugs.
i did just eat pizza though. maybe that woke me up for the first time all day. iw as SOOOO TIRED all day (probably b/c i was hungry) and now i'm awake. great. perfect timing seeing as it's ONE IN THE MORNING.
for reals... going into sleep world now.
seirously i get hyper.
question - how come i'm not stuffed?
do not answer that. i know the answer.
new topic. not food. anything but food.
new topic is bed.
good night.
again!
xoxo!
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You tend to make me a little nut's you know? Eating a small amount of pizza doesn't cut it. Your body is never going to get into the rythm rythem, rythen (great now I can't spell it) of food unless you do it in regulary intervals. And it's going to take A LOT of time to for that to happen.
ReplyDeleteYes scarfing down a pizza right before bed can tend to wake you up a little.
Is it brown rice that you are eating? If so you might want to switch to white. Not as healthy, but less likely to go right through you.
ReplyDeleteEating disorder thoughts and symptoms are not all the same. I mean, not eating just because you just don't want to think about food might not seem likae an eating disordered reason, but it is. Any reason you have for not eating other than non-avaliability of food (or ilness) is likely eating disordered. Thats just my opinion, though.
I'm glad you ate the pizza.
Yes, it is brown rice.
ReplyDeleteYes, I was in an eating disordered funk (or, have been) for the last week. The kind of funk when I wasn't even realizing I was being as connected to the ED as I was.
I think I got pulled out of it today though and am able to think and see clearly again. My mom of all people was able to pull me out... (I think I'll write about it in a post later).