Grad school visit, Eating Disorder, Friday, Today

That was the longest I've gone without blogging since starting the blog in May. So that you can read and not read what you choose, I've divided it into sections: MY VISIT TO A GRAD SCHOOL; EATING DISORDER; FRIDAY NIGHT; TODAY. The computer isn't letting me make the sections bolded, so I've marked them with asterisks.


*******MY VISIT TO A GRAD SCHOOL***************************************************
I went out of town to visit a grad school that I will be applying for. Initially, I was shocked, turned off, and felt infantalized when I walked back on to a college campus and saw an unnatural amount of people my age-ish, all in one place, all wearing backpacks, all looking and seeming so YOUNG. I've only been out of college for nearly 2.5 years, but in that time I've been thrown into the adult working world. I've become used to being teacher not student, mentor not mentee, staff member, adult. My friends are people who are older than me and many have kids. It was a weird feeling to see all these kids together and I didn't like being a part of that. I felt like I was going backwards in life. However, after a day, I got over that.

I attended 3 classes (Community Development Theory; Ethnicity in America; and Food Systems). I met with 7 professors. I had a 2.5 hr long conversation with the program coordinator. I mingled with current students. And I took two alumni of the program out to lunch. And..... I realized the program is a very good fit for me! It is a very interdisciplinary department, and you have to be a pretty self motivated and self directed learner since it really is wide open in the direction you could take your studies. Students of the program earn a masters in science of community development, which has been a topic that has made my blood dance and my legs tap with excitement since I first learned about it. I don't mean physical development - not sidewalk construction. I'm more interested in civic engagement and social capital. The professors there have expertise in areas that interest me and there are lots of great opportunities for internships, opportunities to assist profs on projects and research, and freedom for your own research - all good things. It would also be free to attend because, if you go, you end up as either a Teaching Assistant or a Graduate Research Assistant, both of which pay your fees and provide a living stipend. Although it's a master's program, because there is no PhD program, the students are really treated like PhD students.

I decided it is the only school I'll apply to. Applying to grad school is not like applying to college in that I don't have to go. It's hard to find a school that fits my interests. I COULD take a social work school and mold it by picking and choosing classes so that it meets my needs. I could do a similar thing with an urban planning school or a public policy school or a school of education or, really, maybe even a psychology school. But all of those schools are too boxed in for me. The one I went to look at this past week is the only one that fits what I'm actually looking for. It's the only one I can talk about Asset Based Community Development, and everyone in the room knows what I'm talking about. I don't want to go to grad school to get to write "M.S." after my name. I don't want to grad school just to go. It's not that I want to go to grad school for the sake of grad school. It's that I want to go to THIS PROGRAM.... because it would be where I'd have the freedom to pursue my interest areas and it's be a great launching place for beginning work in a new field.

It's a hard program to get into. Last year 140 applied and 15 got in. I have some things going for me (my interests are a unique combination of the disciplines which might make me stand out form other applicants; my research proposals would force the education profs and the human development profs and the comm. dev. profs all to work together - and bridging those 3 department is a goal of theirs; I have a ton of enthusiasm and energy around the field and even though I try to tone it down sometimes, I still always come off as energetic and enthusiastic and passionate; I have an undergraduate history of independent studies that pulled multiple departments together, proving that I can be a self-directed learner in an interdisciplinary environment; I think I will have good recommendations). At the same time, I have things going against me (I'm a white female, as is almost every other student and they're trying to diversify; I'm 24 and therefore my life experiences are limited. The average age of students in the program is probably upper 20s/lower 30s, with a couple students in their 50s, and they've all done incredible things before beginning this program - things that I just wouldn't have had time to do given that I'm 24.) I don't have any self-esteem invested in getting into this program or not. I will apply. If I get in, fantastic. If I don't get in, I'll go work and apply again in a year or two. No big deal either way.



******EATING DISORDER*********************************************************
I have slipped and got tangled up with the disorder. Currently, I'm not slipping but I'm not exactly "safe" yet either. Let me trace the chain of events:

First, a couple of weeks ago, I was having days where I was feeling very non-eating disordered. I was having cravings and I was filling them. I was eating well off of the meal plan. I was eating stirfrys over rice and stews and Indian food didn't scare me anymore and I ate without knowing the nutrition facts. I ate shwaarma wraps and falafal and steamed spinach with pinenuts and raisins. IT was all so nourishing and satisfying. I do okay when I eat like that at dinner. But I started to eat like that at lunch too, which is where my disordered mind started to want to pull in the reigns.

As a reaction to all that healthy, nourishing satisfaction I was feeling, I started thinking things like "well you already had one nice real meal today, maybe you shouldn't eat dinner." This thought can only be bad. One of two things can happen from this thought. 1) I can actually skip dinner, which then triggers the "oh! I can still skip things! Great job!" thought. Or 2) I actually eat dinner but I'm totally not at peace while doing it and I'm feeling guilty, which makes me want to restrict the next day to stop feeling guilty.

Just as I was having the the pull-in-the-reigns / feel-guilty / question-if-you-should-eat thoughts, I got very busy with not even a single half hour of down time all day. (Oh yeah, and did I mention that my body image was also majorly horrible?) This lack of time made it so that I did not have the chance to stay grounded and rooted and connected with myself. Instead, I got swept up in the eating disorder. Last Saturday was extremely restrictive, Sunday was very restrictive, Monday was extremely restrictive.

At that point, I had stopped checking in with Tracy on a daily basis, which made her wonder. So she e-mailed me asking if I've been able to eat my meals. I wrote her back a very troubled, honest e-mail saying how much I hate hate hate this. Even though I wasn't scheduled to talk with her until Thursday, she suggested we touch base the next day, which was Tuesday - even though I was going out of town to look at the grad school.

Tuesday came and at this point I could feel myself slipping away from rationality. The motivation I had before (to be an adult I'd be proud of being) was not working. I was not able to connect with my true self. But - from Tuesday - Thursday I was able to - not really get back on track - but I was able to stop slipping farther. It just seemed like sooooo much work to ahve to get back on track and I didn't feel like trying. I was so angry that it took so much effort. I was so angry this was happening. I was so angry that it was SO. HARD.

Tracy called, and I was "caught" by Tracy.

I was also "caught" by visiting the grad school, because I had 4 meals scheduled with people (2 lunches, 2 dinners, 3 days). Those were the only times I ate, though, while I was there. Still, semi-more regular eating + daily phone calls from Tracy helped me eat regularly enough for me to at least think rationally and connect with msyelf a little bit.

I talked with Tracy for my regular scheduled appointment on Thursday and, afterwards, despite planning dinner with Tracy, I ate just strawberries for dinner.

The next day was yesterday - Friday. Friday I had my appt with Jane. Tracy had already filled Jane in. Jane noted that this always happens every time I skip appts with her. Normally I talk to her 2x a week (plus there's tracy, plus there's voice mails). However, due to our conflicting schedules, I hadn't talked to Jane since the day before I had started slipping.

Jane wanted me to read her the e-mail I had written to Tracy - so I did. I also read her something esle I had written in the middle of the slip. Jane worked hard for an hour and a half yesterday to try to get me back to normal, but I could feel myself still attached with the eating disorder. I told her that I was still attached to it. We played a game to try to separate from the E.D. She did a lot of things which I found kind of hilarious and ridiculous - but she also did helpful things too. And even though my appt with her was filled with laughter, she was also fairly serious at times - reminding me that "anorexia kills people."

I told Jane I just wanted to forget about it. I just want it to be over. I just want to focus on living. She looked at me with this sad face and told me she wished I could just live but if I only focus on living and not also on eating then the "anorexia will have a party and come and kill you while you just focus on living." She said I have to focus on living AND still focus on eating. She said, "You're not strong enough to live without the anorexia yet." Which was kind of sad to hear. I was going to say that I disagree with her, but I can't truthfully disagree with her. Because every time this summer that I've decided to just "live" and "not think about food," I end up regressed into this restrictive place.

As per Jane's orders, she gave me a book to read. She assigned me chapters to read. She wants me to read a chapter a day and call her afterward and tell her how it helps me to "understand the anorexic part of me." She also wanted me to call her every night to tell her about my progress.

After I left the appointment yesterday, this was basically the thought process. I feel silly writing about the eating disorder as separate from me, but, for the purposes of explaining my thought process, I will go ahead and do that... (A = anorexic thinking. R = rational thinking)

A: We're on a roll. Just keep not eating.

R: I can do that, but then I'll be held back and sad. I don't want to walk around with sad, inward energy. People all over the world are normal weights and good people and they eat. If it's possibel to be like that, I'm going to be like that

(about to eat lunch)

A: You don't need lunch

R: But I want to run this afternoon. I haven't eaten anything besides strawberries and coffee in 24 hrs and if I don't eat I might not be able to run and I dont' want to give up running.

A: You can run feeling hungry. You're only going to run for 2.5 miles today anyway.

R: True... okay, I'll run hungry

(Thinking about how Jane told me to fight and I told her I didn't feel like figthing)

R: But, wait. If I don't eat today I might binge later.

A: You wont' binge. Just don't get near any food that you might binge on.

R: Oh, kay....

(Later...)

R: But if I don't eat, I might eat too much fro yo at work and then I'll be mad

A: Not if you stay focused.

R: oh yeah. okay. I guess I'm not worried anymore


So, yes, that was very disordered. AFter Jane's appt I did run and I did not eat until dinner, when I met a friend for dinner. AT dinner I ate a sushi roll (6 pieces of salmon, cream cheese, cucumber) After that I ate a couple handfuls of peanut m 'n Ms at the movies.

And now today's Saturday. I have already eaten breakfast. I don't feel "sucked in" by the eating disorder. The truth is that I don't feel removed from myself. I don't feel like I'm slipping. Right now, my brain feels different (healthier) than it did yesterday or the day before or the day before, etc.

So, I had a pretty disordered week. Yes, it's cause for red flags. Yes, it's cause for concern. However, I'm also a little annoyed - but I'm not scared or worried. I think I had a bad week, but I don't think I'm "relapsing" or whatever. My motivation hasn't changed. I'm goign to keep accountable via this blog. It's times like this when I think, "Oh, I guess I do have an eating disorder." STill, though, I'm not at the beginning stages of "Recovery." I'm at the end - I swear. I know that no one believes me but you all must understand that this is the first time in over two years I'm trying to do this on my "own." (I use quotes because obviously I have a ton of help from Tracy, Jane, you all. So it's not really on my own). Still, it's the first time in over 2 years I'm trying to figure this out with out a meal plan. I'm just in a different stage. I'll get there...

Please don't yell at me - you can point out where I'm falling short and you can give me ideas and state truths and dangers - but please don't take the approach of "scaring me into health" because it doesn't work. I don't feel like being yelled at and I am already pretty disappointed in myself - I will feel worse if I'm yelled at. I know restricting that much this past week was not healthy or representative of who I want to be. I know. I already feel like I owe everyone an apology for restricting - so please don't yell at me. I am already sorry. I just wrote out what honestly has been going on here so that people know so that I can use this blog to keep focused on health over this upcoming busy week.

**TODAY**********************************************
Today is a busy day - it's a repeat of last Saturday, which was the beginning of a series of restrictive days. I need to be careful today and I need to be planned. I do not want to come home at 11:30 today regressed and mad at myself. In a bit, I'm going running. Then, I have to do some work. At 2pm, I have a training until 6. Immediately after that, I have to work at the fro yo store until 11pm. This means it is super easy for me to not only skip lunch but also dinner. Which means it's super easy for me to eat samples of fro yo, which make me feel guilty, which will put me in a restrictive mindset for tomorrow - and that will just make me relive this past week. Not acceptable.

So, what do I do?

I am going to prioritize food over feeling 100% prepared for trainings and over being early for work at the fro yo.

So, after I run today (in a second), I will cook dinner and pack it. Then I will eat lunch before going to the training. It all comes down to if I cook dinner and pack it or not. So I will do that - even if I feel like I should do more pre-training work.

My promise to all of you (and myself and Jane and Tracy) is two fold:
1) that I will eat lunch before the training
2) that I will pack dinner

Then, when I get home - no computer is coming out. I'm just relaxing and going to bed.

*******FRIDAY NIGHT*********************
All I wanted to say is that I had fun last night. I went to sushi with my friend and then we went to a movie. That's all. Short section, eh?

He's a guy friend that I only recently started hanging out with. I have gone to a wine tasting with him, on a hike with him, and now out to dinner. We went to the same college (in Ohio) but we didn't know each other there (even though it was a very small school). Now that we both live in CA, we hang out sometimes.

I have a history of leading guys on by accident. That is a hurtful thing to do to them. I usually end up leading them on by being friendly or by continuing to hang out with them one-on-one without clarifying that I'm not interested....

So, given that this guy has told me he doesn't believe guys and girls can just be friends without someone "muddying the waters" with romatic interest at some point... and given that he paid last night.... and given that it was dinner and a movie.... and given that he walked me to my car and looked at me in a "not just a friend" way afterwards..... I have a feeling that he thinks it was a date. Me? what do I think? Well, I don't know. He's a great guy. I'd happily hang out with him again. He's very stable and makes me feel comfortalbe and safe (and for someone like me who is nervous and scared when it comes to dating, feeling safe and comfortable is a good thing). Anyway, I just wonder if I am supposed to communicate anything with him. As of now, I plan on continuing to hang out when I can (our schedules almost always conflict though).... if at some point I know clearly what I want (friendship v. dating), I guess I'll tell him? I just don't want to lead someone on and hurt them - that has happened plenty of times in my life already....


******
kay, running time! YAY!