Body Image + Decent Day # 5? (Maybe?)

Today I didn't end up having as easy a day with food as the other days. I think I started to get a little concerned I was eating too much, which put me out of touch with my hunger and fullness. I think what it comes down to is that I was in a bit of denial that I was actually hungry. That combined with being very sleepy led to some food confusion at some point.

So the question is: do I get to count today as a decent day? You tell me. Do you think I can count this as Decent Day # 5?

Did I eat 3 meals? Yes.
Did I eat what I wanted for the 3 meals? Yes.
Did they appear normal? Yes.
Did I stop when I was full? Yes.
Did I eat snacks when I was hungry? Yes, two of them.

So why would this not be a decent day? Because of the evening snack - it was eaten without thinking, it wasn't necessarily what I was craving (although I never did stop to ask myself what I was craving), and it just overall did not feel peaceful.

Around 10pm, I got hungry. Not fall over and faint hungry. Just hungry. Just unsatisfied. Just wanting food. I had just worked up a sweat having to do the most insane job ever at the fro yo store (it involved using an ice pick for 2 hrs straight, slashing off 5'' deep frost from the ice cream container and hauling heavy buckets of hot water back and forth, back and forth...) I was already SO TIRED and had the biggest head ache I've ever had in my life. My legs were sore from running super hard today. I was about to start closing the frozen yogurt store... and I felt that hunger. Usually, I would have ignored the hunger or decided to feed it - and made a conscious decision as to how I was going to feed it. Tonight however, I just gave in and ate without thinking. This is a common thing for me to do if I get too tired.

I ate about one cup of fro yo with way more topping than necessary. I started to feel like I was going to "shut down" out of guilt. But I tried to use rational, positive talk. I told myself that it wasn't a binge. It could have been worse. I could have said "What the hell" and just binged the night away. I felt anxious and fat and all that... but I just sat with those feelings. I might have eaten more calories than I needed today. But that's okay to do every once in a while because, also, sometimes I eat less calories than I need. If I go on and eat normally tomorrow, my weight will stay the same.

Why do I wish I didn't eat that snack? Because I didn't think before eating and because it was unnecessarily caloric due to the toppings.

But I'm not aiming for PERFECT eating, right? In fact, I'm aiming to be able to have a night like tonight and move forward anyway. I'm aiming for DECENT eating. IF someone else had eaten like me today, I'd tell them their eating is fine. I think. I mean, if I had eaten frozen yogurt and then a bowl of cereal and then 2 english muffins, then I'd probably say that I could not count the day as decent... but that's not what happeend. I had 8oz of fro yo with too much topping. If I'm not thinking in terms of calories or food groups, is it fair to count today as Decent. What do you think?

(EDIT: I JUST READ OVER THIS POST. I REALIZED, BY READING MY OWN WRITING, THAT NOTHING THAAAAT WRONG ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY. YES, IDEALLY I'D HAVE A MORE CONSCIOUS/THOUGHTFUL EVENING SNACK. BUT IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. I DON'T NEED TO FEEL ANXIOUS OR GUILTY. I WAS EXTRA HUNGRY TODAY; I EXERCISED; I DIDN'T ACTUALLY EAT AS MUCH AS I WAS FEELING LIKE I HAD EATEN. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THAT BAD. I CAN JUST MOVE ON AND COUNT THIS AS A DECENT DAY. IF YOU READ ON, LET ME KNOW IF YOU AGREE PLEASE!)

I woke up at 5:45am, before my alarm, and I was hungry. I think my hunger woke me up. My hunger ended up changing my morning plans. I could have just run without breakfast and gotten breakfast later. That's what I normally do on these mornings because Jane makes me eat with her, so I delay my breakfast until her appointment. Today, I took a different route. I decided to eat breakfast and NOT run. Here's why:

1 - I was pretty hungry so my run wouldn't have been as energized or enjoyable.
2 - I had time to run later if I was efficient with my time this afternoon.
3 - Something in me just told me that it's safest eat breakfast and hold off on the running until later.

Here's my pre-breakfast thought process: Oh, decisions, decisions. Did I want cereal today? It would taste good but I think It would have enough long term staying power. I think I'd need like 4 bowls to be satisfied this morning, so... no, no cereal. Did I want eggs? Maybe, but I wanted something with it. My normal 2 egg white "omelet" wasn't what I was looking for. I could add an english muffin. If I added the english muffin and an egg then I'd have as many calories as cereal... so should I just eat cereal? (My obsession with cereal right now probably comes from the fact that I seriously avoided this food - with the exception of dry Fiber One - for the past 6 years). No, I didn't want cereal, so it was okay to pass up the cereal. Still, an entire english muffin and an egg? That seemed like a lot of calories. So I decided to just have half of the english muffin and 1 egg white. But as I placed 1 egg white in the pan and 1/2 a toasted english muffin on the plate, I was thinking that this is not what I'm looking for. I was HUNGRY. I will not be satisfied. So I added another egg white and I added the other half of the english muffin and then I got out the feta, the strawberries, and the cottage cheese. On a plate, I put 1/2 a toasted english muffin topped with 2 egg whites and a tiny pinch of feta. On the other half of the toasted english muffin, I put a layer of low-fat cottage cheese and 2 sliced strawberries on top of all of that. then... I counted calories.... which I really should probably stop doing.... but either way, I was okay with the higher than normal number - it's higher than normal but it's a healthy number and, anyway, this is a "normal" quantity of breakfast I think. I think Tracy will pass out when she sees that I ate this. I ate it and it tasted so good! And, honestly, I was still hungry afterwards...

Then, I went to Jane's, talked about "empowerment," (doesn't that sound SO therapy?!). She didn't make me eat with her, but she told me next time I'd be expected to eat a snack even if I already ate breakfast. If I didn't bring it, she was going to put PB on a slice of bread for me (which she showed me she has a loaf of bread and PB in her office). So guess I'll be bringing that snack...

At noon, I met my friend for coffee. I was quite hungry for lunch - feeling hallow and hungry, and it was 12:15 at this time, but they didn't have meals at this coffee shop, so I decided to buy an apple, which they did sell, and tea. It was a quick visit with my friend, but nice.

I ate a late lunch at 3pm. I almost delayed lunch until 5pm because I wanted to run first... but I knew I was hungry going into the run and I knew I couldn't really delay lunch until 5pm. As I started to look at foods to eat for lunch, I suddenly became much, much more hungry than I was even realizing I was! I didn't have time to sit down for a luxurious lunch or anything, so I quickly decided to eat 1/2 cup "freekeh wheat" (looks like quinoa/rice) and 2 oz teriyaki salmon quickly. I ate it fast so I could hurry up and go run.

Then I ran a hard run. It was 4 miles at a fast, "pushin' myself" pace with 1/2 mile of normal-speed running in between each of those. It felt good and I was tired afterwards.

I think, if I'm tracing my mind correctly, I stared to want to delay dinner and eat it super late like I did last night... this kept me from responding to my hunger during actual dinner time. I do recall feeling hungry around 5:30 and thinking "no, not possible, you just ate lunch 2.5 hours ago." Then again, I also ran hard so it is possible I was hungry for dinner and I should have just let myself eat it. I started to be thinking I shouldn't be eating dinner until 11pm or something. I was in denial that I was hungry I think. I was hungry, but I kept thinking "how! how are you hungry! You've eaten so much today! You're probably just thirsty." So I delayed dinner....

Finally at 8pm, I ate dinner. It tasted delicious, but I think I wasn't mentally set on the fact that I was allowed to eat dinner, so I wasn't as present while eating it as I could have been. I had 3/4 cup curry lentil soup + 1 whole wheat english muffin. I felt nervous after eating it because I felt fullness. I was trying to count calories and I couldn't - b/c I didn't know how much the soup had. I didn't like the fact that I felt full. But, seriously like 5 min after worrying that I was full, I noticed I was no longer full. Guess I wasn't actually that full.

This is around the time that I was super tired. I think I just got bad at judging hunger/fullness and I was in denial about my huger.

So then... about 2 hrs after dinner is when the fro yo snack came in. (described in the beginning of this post)

Maybe I'm overreacting to the evening snack. Tomorrow I will still aim for a decent day. I can get sleep tonight and then eat 3 meals made of foods I like and continue to stay calm and last night's mini eating mishap will be a blip....

So does today still count as a decent day?


A note about body image today:
Body image is a bunch of BS. There's no way to trust it. It changes all the time! This was my experience with body image today:

Wake up - feel stomach - decide I'm too fat.
Eat breakfast, get dressed, decide my size is okay.
Sit in Jane's office, decide I'm fat and I'm hanging out of my clothes.
Stand up to leave Jane's office - feel okay with my size.
Go running, see myself in the mirror afterwards - feel good about my size.
Get dressed to go to the fro yo store - my size is acceptable, but not good.
See a picture of myself with my sister when I am approximately 30 - 40 pounds lighter than I am now and think I look fat in the picture.
Work at fro yo store - feel okay with my size
Catch a glimpse of myself in the window - feel fat
Catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror - feel okay
Empty the cash register - afraid to look down for fear I'll see my fat stomach
Eat too much evening snack - feel fat
Change into pajamas - feel okay with my size.

So... WTF... I should just not pay any attention to body image.


FOOD REPORT (I press enter 10 times. you look if you want)














B: 1/2 english muffin topped with 2 egg whites and a pinch of feta; 1/2 english muffin topped with layer (heaping spoonful) of low-fat cottage cheese + 2 sliced strawberries

S: apple

L: 1/2 cup "freekeh wheat" (like rice) + 2 oz teriyaki salmon

Exercise: Warm up jog 1 mile, run fast 4 miles, run normal 1.5 miles, cool down jog 1/2 mile

D: 3/4 cup curry lentil soup + 1 whole wheat english muffin

(now as I write this out I see how I was still hungry and that's what drove me to eat the fro yo)

S: about 8 oz fro yo with too much topping... like 4 or 5 spoonfuls of reese cup topping.

(at least I didn't just continue to let myself eat out of control after that last snack. Now that I look at this... that last snack was driven by hunger that I was responding to without thinking b/c I was tired... I was tired so my guard was down)