I am not happy with how today went food wise. There was food, too much of it, and not food that makes me feel good. I could try to talk myself into a better mindset but I don't feel like expending effort. so this post is going to just be some venting. Excuse the "poor me" feel of this post. It's so self-indulgent and whiny.... sorry in advance.
IT all started today when I got so, so, so shaky hungry that I felt sweaty and shaky and in panic must-eat-now mode. (yes, I was in this shaky hungry state because of not eating enough yesterday and skipping breakfast and lunch today.... yes, i know....) I ate an apple bran muffin from Starbucks. I didn't even care. At first I decided I'd just eat the perimeter of the muffin top. So I did. Then I stuffed the muffin back in it's bag. But I just couldn't deal. I was too hungry. So I pulled it out again and ate the rest of the muffin top. Then I put it back in the bag..... only to pull it out again later and divided it into fourths and decided I could have a fourth. And I put it back in the bag. About 5 min later, as I was walking towards a garbage can, right before throwing it out, I just decided to eat it because I soooo wanted it. I was just in this need-food-now mode. It was like "must eat now." Plus, in my head, at the time, I rationalized it by saying it'd be the only thing I'd eat all day long. Well, psychological restriction tends to promote more eating for me... So, later, I had a granola bar. Was I at peace with the granola bar while eating it? No way! I ate it in a sneaky way - like I had something to hide - like I was doing something bad. Then my mind started to think I shouldn't eat for the rest of the day but I also knew another part of me just wanted to cozy up with a bunch of food and eat it all in a frantic haze. So, I ended up eating two brownies. And that's my food for the day. This is NOT how I want to eat. And, because of it I'm not in a good mood at all right now. My thoughts are along these lines"
I cannot eat tomorrow at all!
Not eating tomorrow will make me more likely to overeat at a later date
Not eating tomorrow also isn't how I want to eat.
I have to eat tomorrow but I sooooo don't want to.
I don't know if I can eat tomorrow. I just want someone to hold me and walk me through the day, feeding me nutritious meals and telling me it's okay, telling me I'm okay, telling me my weight is okay, telling me no one is looking at me.
I want to move to another planet until I smooth out my eating and then come back when things are normal. I dont' even want to have a conversation with anyone tomorrow or any interaction with anyone tomorrow. I feel like I need t shut down until I am in control again.
I used to have moments of overeating like this in the past when I was thinner so one day of eating like this doesn't make my weight sky rocket. I am still standing inside the same pants I was standing in this morning....
Why can't I do this?
Why can't I eat how I want to eat?
Why do I skip so many meals?
What do I have to do to make me eat the way I want to eat?
Do normal people need to put this much focus and attention towards eating?
Should I jsut give up and decide to be satisfied with the way things are now?
Why can't I just eat, every day, 3 meals like normal people?
Why do I encounter days like this every once in a while where all I eat is dessert?
When will this end? Will it end? Or is this just how I am?
I don't think blogging is helpful for me right now because I am not in a place where I feel like talking myself into calm and rationality.
The response I'm supposed to have is "shrug. smile. moving on." I can do that but I'm just frustrated, and I don't feel like writing a positive post right now.
Since I'm not going to bring myself back to positivity, I might as well just distract msyelf by cleaning or reading and ignore this topic.
My patience for myself and my progress and all of this is running out.
Self kindness and acceptance is slipping into militant self talk.
I'm going to clean my apartment now and lie in bed in a relaxing way.
I feel like I can't run now tomorrow. I feel paralyzed.
I feel like my eaitng today ruined my ability to run tomorrow :(
I am so sad about the no running thing.
I wonder if running is making my eating worse? I've been running a lot more lately. But I don't want to tone down the running or give it up. I don't want to!
I better bring all up with Jane tomorrow so that I can snap out of it.
All I want is to eat in the way I want to eat (it's not restrictive. it's healthy.)
Why can't I do that?
Why is it hard?
Why?
(I'm getting closer to agreeing to take the Zoloft. Maybe I'll fill that prescription tomorrow....Jane told me today she thinks I should fill it. I really respect her opinion because I think Jane really thought about it and considered both sides - me taking medicaiton and me not taking medication. She told me she thought I should give it a try because I continually make progress, hang onto it for about a week, and then slip. And, in her words, "the slips are too frequent and they are also soooo hard on you and you tend to slip harder and faster than what is healthy or safe." She's right about all of that.)
***UPDATE: I just remembered. hurt peopel hurt people; healthy people make others healthier; happy people make ohters happier. I'm feeling hurt and down... that means that that will have a hurtful effect on others I cross paths with. If I shut down because of food tomorrow, it's the same as shutting out others. That's not okay with me. So I need to focus my energy externally and just be able to sit with these feeling sso that I can be a healthy, happy, giving person that puts positive energy into the world. IF I put negative energy into the world tomorrow because I can't deal with how I ate today, I will be doing a horrible thing. I need to do whatever I need to do to make sure my energy is still good for the world (external, giving, not bogged down).
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What a coincidence. I just wrote a post that may pertain to this. Check it out.
ReplyDeleteWhat I just want to say to you, is: the only solution to NOT "binge", though that really is NOT a binge is to EAT UP. Normally, naturally. Listen to your body, and treat it well, and it won't rebel on you. You made "unhealthy" choices because your body was SCREAMING out for fast and instant energy. Don't beat yourself for that, because your hunger just saved you. You could have just fainted and collapsed or something, but at least you ate something to sustain yourself FOR THE TIME BEING. You still HAVE to eat.
I know you're smart enough, so I'm not going to nag anymore. But YOU have to take care of yourself, ok? Please!
Yes, Sophia. That is really really good advice. And it's what I needed to hear. I guess I just have trouble with accepting myself while I take care of myself. I feel like I'm too fat to patiently take care of myself and "eat up." But I know I'm being irrational. Not eating is bad for your metabolism. And "eating up" is not the same as "Stuffing your face at every possible opportunity." So, when I think this out, I realize it's safe to "Eat up" and trust my body.
ReplyDeleteThank you again for leading the way.
p.s.: I think we commented on each other's blogs at the same time :) I did see your post already and it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now.
I'm already less mad at myself about today. You're right. It was just my body getting really hungry. It's allowed to do that. Next time, I should feed it before it gets to the point of "must eat now."
Haha! I love that we commented at the SAME TIME...we really are connected tonight! oops, morning now...hee hee...Aiii MY problem is that my evening nap always leaves me WIDE awake! >.<
ReplyDeleteHave a great night, and tomorrow, start with a fresh new mind, body, and attitude, my dear!
I could have written this, if I was writing anything. I guess I would say just keep moving forward, one foot in front on the other. The feeling of wanting to isolate yourself until you're 'fixed' is the exact feeling that will stop you from ever being able to get there. I need to listen to myself...
ReplyDeleteYou know that you can do this. Just keep moving forward, you'll catch up with yourself again.
Healthy people help. You said it! I loved the thought of having people just put the food in front of you and saying "you not only can eat all of this, you have to eat all of this!" That would be such a good world. Oh wait a minute that's IN PATIENT! And having people sitting out side the bathroom and no pockets in your clothes could be a drag.
ReplyDeleteI think that's why I loved the optifast so much. No real choice, every three hours drink this. No changes all the same just chocolate, vanilla or strawberry. I loved not have a choice. Give me a choice and I'm screwed.
Crap, sorry I'm not in a happy or healthy place either. Popcorn at the movies :-( I feel bloated.
:( It's not easy. I will think of you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, I know your positivity will return.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime: healthy people make others healthy and happy people make others happy SO: surround yourself with other people who can support you. call up friends, make lunch and dinner dates, use your support network!
Hey Everyone,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments.
Today was a hard day but I tried and it ended up okay. It began with a drawn out episode in Jane's office of me convincing her why I shouldn't have to eat lunch with her and her not taking any of my BS and just saying, on repeat, like a robot. "Please start eating. Start eating. STart eating. Take a bite. STart eating. Take a bite. STart eating. Take a bite. STart eating." you get the picture. In the end, I'm really glad I had Jane t do that. After that lunch, I spent the whole afternoon walking with a friend - which prevented me from going into "shut down" mode. And, although it took until 11pm to eat dinner, I ate it. Because I thought of Jane and how much she cares and of everything she said today. She said, "Food is medicine" about a million times. She said, "Please try. I really want you to really try. And when it gets hard, you ahve tools." And when I told her I didn't feel like trying, she asked, "Is it because then you feel bad feelings?" And I said, "Yes." And she said, "Well I believe you are capable of feeling bad and trying anyway." And so there was really no excuse left. So at 11pm, I thought of her. I thought of her asking me to try. I thought of her telling me that I am capable of doing it. I thought of her telling me that even if dinner makes me hate myself, that I am capable of handling that. And she told me, "If you are not eating to avoid feeling bad, then that is very disordered and that is you being completely run by an eating disorder." And I didn't want to be that person... so I ate. And, in the end, it wasn't that bad.
I'll write a post later. tomorrow.
oh yeah, and blucat, really good advice. I've always been thinking about the healthy people make others healthy and happy people make others happy by thinking that I HAD TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY SO THAT I CAN MAKE OTHERS HAPPY AND HEALTHY. I always only saw this going one way. You made me realize that when I want to feel happy and healthy, I can seek out those who are happy and healthy and supportive, etc. and I can let the health/happy energy COME TO ME. So it isn't energy just going from me, it's also energy that i can receive from others.
ReplyDeleteGOOD POINT, BLUECAT!