I didn't run today because I thought I'd mess up food if I ran. I was getting so hungry the last couple of days and I didn't know if I'd be able to eat in accordance with my hunger if I ran (and thus got more hungry). So, I took today off of running to make eating easier.
Had B and L and D even though I didn't feel super hungry for any of them. I did feel full after dinner, and I really didn't like that feeling, but I just remembered that Tracy said, "If you feel full, it's okay." And I knew it was okay anyway. I wasn't really super in touch with my cravings today. I didn't really crave any food, but I ahd to eat, so I just ate whatever. I guess some times its like that.
Tomorrow's going to be a super busy day: wake up, eat breakfast, run, eat snack, be at the tutoring center by 9am, meet with a new student's parents, tutor new student (a trilingual 4 year old who doesn't speak English!), talk with new students' parents, enter students lesson information into computer system, in the next hour: drive to other tutoring center and print lesson plan for student 2 (6th grade girl) and prep that lesson, tutor student 2, update lesson information into computer system.
It'll be 2:45pm by the time I'm done tutoring and have a chance to eat lunch. Then I'll have to cook/pack dinner and be at the fro yo store to work by 6pm.
So tomorrow will prove challenging in terms of getting it all done and eating well, but I think I'll do it.
Food report in 10 enters...
B: apple
L: 1 cup spicy curry lentil soup (again. the soup is finally gone)
S: 4 sample cups fro yo
D: 2 handfuls spaghetti squash, 1 red pepper, 1 orange pepper, 2 handfuls broccoli, 1 handful cauliflower, 3 oz chicken, 1/2 cup curry simmer sauce (all of this simmered/mixed together) (dinner is pictured below)
I know it wasn't enough food. But it's still 3 meals, which is what I'm going for. And the Dinner def. passes as normal. B does too b/c there's no such thing as a normal breakfast. And Lunch... eh.. yeah, you can say just soup is small... but I think if I saw someone eating a bowl of lentil soup for lunch I wouldn't think "oh, weirdo disordered person alert!"
It's 12:06am right now. I'm hungry. The question is: eat a snack now or wake up in 5 hrs and eat a large breakfast? I guess I could do both. Okay, I'll have a small snack and then I'll also have breakfast. I think I'll have some strawberries in milk. No.. too much effort and i'm sleepy. Whatever, I'm just going to bed. I'm too tired to get something to eat right now. I'll eat a huge breakfast when I wake up.
Scratch that. I decided to eat. 1) I am going on a long run tomorrow so it needs to be fueled for it to be fun; 2) I dont' wnat to sleep eat. So it's better to eat a deliberate snack. I am currently eating abotu 1/3 cup of cheerios with about 4 strawberries cut up with vanila soy milk on it. I will not drink the milk.
Sigh...this IS too little food, and honestly, I don't think you should be satisfied with just being able to eat 3 meals. I know and am proud that you've made progress, and you've got that 3 meal thing down, but it's time to take it a step ahead. What you're eating is barely over 1000 kcal, and that is really, really, really unhealthy, even for a 400 lb person who is trying to lose weight.
ReplyDeleteAnd if I saw someone eat an apple for breakfast and lentil soup for lunch, I would definitely be thinking that person is eating disordered. If you're really not hungry, think about what you're eating. A lot of your food has tons of bulk, but not enough calories. You really don't need this much fiber. Perhaps you can use real pasta instead of the spaghetti squash, and add a piece of bread to your lentil soup, and ALWAYS eat a good breakfast. Starting the day out right will get your digestive system working and healthy.
Man, I really, really HATE to nag, and this is not to berate you or ignore all the good progress you've made, but I just need to let you know that there is still some work to do.
Even if you're not hungry, you've got to force yourself to eat. Your digestive system is probably a bit weak right now, which is all the more reason why you should eat well, so that it heals itself and knows how to function properly and give you healthy hunger cues.
Keep on fighting, my dear.
AN APPLE IS NOT A MEAL!!!!!!!!!!!! My protein shake, which you say is not a meal, is much more of a meal than an apple!!! You can't argue that!
ReplyDeleteThank you both, for your comments.
ReplyDeleteI will think about this.....
On one hand, yes, i know it wasn't enough food at all.
On the other hand, I did eat the amount I was hungry for, and, it's not the case that I'm never hungry. Sometimes I feel very hungry.
And an apple will always be an allowed breakfast in my book. Not if I eat an apple every day for breakfast... but on the days when I'm really not hungry, it's fine. Today I ate two whole eggs and an english muffin (and I might eat a banana in a second) for breakfast. Because I was hungry..
Anyway... I'll think about these. I may revoke day # 8 or I may not... I'll think....
Thanks again for your thoughts!
Aw, I just read this and then the comments. First, I want to agree with the comments, you really didn't eat very much. I don't really like talking about how much food I eat in a day, but really, what you ate (calorically) I eat before lunch. But I don't want to talk about that or I'll get upset. The point is, for a woman, it's a known fact that you need to eat at least 2000 cal to be healthy. Unless you are trying to lose weight, you shouldn't be eating as little as you are. Maybe, you don't think you are trying to lose weight, but could, perhaps subconsciously, be trying to? (was that sentence real?? I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense)
ReplyDeleteAll that being said, I am proud of you. Reading your blog from the start, the fact that you are continually eating 3 meals and snacks is a step forward. Even if it is a teeny tiny step. I feel like, in the realm of ED recovery, whenever you actually go against your ED thoughts and eat, that's a big deal.
You are taking small steps now, I can tell. If you were in IP it would be like you're on Meal Plan A. Now it's time to bump up your meal plan, girl :) I hope you don't become complacent with what you eat now. It's not enough and it won't work. I hope you can find it in yourself to challenge yourself to eat more. Hey, if you want, I'll try too! We could challenge ourselves to eat muffins (I really am afraid of muffins).
Hope you had a good run, and have a good day!
Ok I just read over that sentence, it makes no sense. I meant, could you subconsciously be trying to lose weight even though your conscious thoughts are trying to maintain?
ReplyDeleteHeather, thanks for your thoughts. You're sweet.
ReplyDeleteAs for trying to lose weight, well I'm not actiely trying to lose weight, but, if I did lose weight that'd be just fine by me. However, you should know that I'm not underweight. I don't actually know my weight but I think I'm dead in the middle of the normal range. Maybe even slightly higher? I really have no clue. But I know that even if I lost 5 pounds, my RD /therapist would not flip. Also, my RD actually believes that losing weight is a potential outcome of eating more. So you'd think that I'd just quickly eat up then, huh? Yeah, I dunno what my problem is... Basically, I was underweight when I started talking to her, gained weight steadily up to a normal weight, held that weight for a while, gained weight again to a number that wasn't overweight but was too heavy for me, have slowly lost a little weight, and now I have no idea what I weigh. But I do believe my natural weight is probably a little bit less than what I weigh now. Or maybe I'm at my natural weight right now. That's possible I guess...
As for being complacent, no I won't get complacent.
And to everyone: I am 100% aware of the calorie level that I ate at yesterday. Yes, I know it was way too low. I know. I think this probably happened as a result of the day before... I thought I ate a lot (which you all told me was not too much, but you have to admit that it was more than I usually allow myself to eat). So, coming from a day when I had felt like I just ate a lot, I think it's pretty good that I even ate 3 meals. This is noramlly the type of day where I react by skipping a lot and massively skimping (more so than I did here). I think because I was coming from a day where I had felt like I ate a lot, I was less open to listening to my hunger the following day (the day described above), which allowed me to rationalize eating very little. That's probably what happened.
I think I feel like I'm doing better than ppl seem to think I'm doing because almost every food item I ate this past week was something I hadn't eaten in a long time. Before it was either: eat on meal plan or skip meals/don't' eat well at all. This is somewhere in between. I wasn't following a meal plan, I was feeling like I was allowed to eat, I felt like I was choosing what I wanted, and I was thinking more rationally (like not skipping meals entirely simply because I knew it wasn't good for me). I got good at following the meal plan in the second half of last year. I'm not in meal plan stage anymore. I need to do this in a way that lets me eat more naturally than a meal plan does. Yeah, I already hear the comments firing back: "An eating disorder is not natural eating either." Okay.. I know. I know. I swear I know. I'm not saying I don't want to follow a meal plan so that I can be free to be eating disordered. I hope you get that.
Anyway, today has been good with food so far. And I'm making lunch now (yeah, I know, it's 3:30pm.... I know, I know...). But I am making a sweet potato and salmon and broccoli. I feel like that is a totally insanely non-ED'ed lunch. I also could easily skip lunch, but I don't want to. Because I want to eat consistently.
Calories are a problem sometimes. Sometimes I eat way too few. I know. Sometimes I eat close to the right amount. Every once in a while I eat way over the "right" amount.
But my biggest thing I have trouble with is consistent, regular eating. That's why that's what I focus on. The calories aren't always as bad as they were yesterday.
And I don't think I'm just in denial or making a bunch of excuses. I think I'm pretty aware of my "condition" or whatever.
Seriously, though, everyone, THANK YOU for your feedback. I REALLY REALLY like having feedback and it is helpful. So thank you again!!!!
For someone not being IP I think your doing fine. Your focusing first on getting all the meals in. Once you've got that down you can work on increasing them or adding a real snack in there. Real snack is 150 or more of calories, not 2 oz of fro yogurt!
ReplyDeleteThat said, one piece of fruit is not a breakfast. I'm not going to let that one slide. You might not feel hungry but unless you are eating dinner at 12:00 at night your body will be hungry when you wake up. You need to add something to that. Ask Tracy, she will agree with me. I let is slide once but twice is not right. And you ate less at lunch as well. Try harder grasshopper!
:) Okay, EA. This grasshopper is trying harder today. Thanks for the input - seriously.
ReplyDelete